Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

today was my birthday and I did...nothing. hung out with my mum and dc's. we ate bacon sandwiches and drank tea.
there was content love.
no tension, no drama, no expectation, no pressure to appear a certain way and no restriction on my emotion.

it is as if I can suddenly be in the present.

I am still protecting him slightly but maybe I always will? because I will always want to see the best in everyone. my DM is finding it hard and has a lot of anger. I understand this. maybe I will feel angry soon?
she will say very critical things of him. he is INFURIATING but I am trying so hard not to react because by reacting I am repeating my default emotion of what was our relationship.
my lack of reaction is probably annoying him more to be fair.
but I don't want to make that my reason for not reacting. I am not reacting because I don't give a shit! if he just keeps being a good dad, then he is doing everything that is required of him.
of course all this means is I am working on trying to not reflect on the past when making a decision. this will take time.

happy birthday! your first free one! You're an inspiration. Hope you're enjoying your evening.

I just logged on as I was feeling down and this thread always reminds me why I am doing this. today in the news was about how parental conflict harms children and i could have cried with guilt about all the things my dd has witnessed. I have to remember that and continue down this path to prevent her witnessing any more.

Happy birthday
Celebrations are so much better without a FW.

Hiya all. Im having a little bit of a hard time at the minute with a narc of an ex and his family.

Somebody suggested this thread to me on a thread i posted. I have seen it, but avoided it and i dont know why.

Going to have a read of it now

Welcome, wont, I have seen your threads (though can't recall specifics)

Hi wont,

This is a good place to be. It's all ominously quiet for me right now but I suspect that's a gathering storm.

In the throws of total angst, fear and hurt, this thread kept me going. I'm sure you'll find some strength here.

The only immediate problem now is how vehemently I have begun to resent my stupid MIL. She and her pig of a husband built a monster. Now they run around being oh so fucking superior and 'advising' him to 'protect his assets' and the like, not because they love him but because by 'his assets' they mean their stupid house. The one they were so obsessed with while he was growing up he started his hideously OTT attention seeking just to get some normal ruddy acknowledgement. He started to call them by their first names when he was about 6, which speaks volumes to me.

Stupid, pathetic, dependent crone.

Why am I so cross with her?

Thank you for the welcomes

Tinsel

Could it be because she created this person who has caused you so much pain.
I bet as you are slowly building yourself back up again that she is still moddy coddling him while you are left to fend for yourself. When if it wasnt for him, you would never be in such a position.

I know thats where my frustration lies with my exes mother.

Yes. And I see that as still feeding the beast, to be honest.

I think she gets something out of his relationships failing (which they always have/will because he is such a passive aggressive, obsessive compulsive nightmare) inso far as he will always run home to her. Makes her feel needed and she can engage in a lovely game of infantilization without the chores of motherhood she so struggled with when he WAS a child.

I also wonder how long he's been colluding with her and 'setting things up' to create his perfect position as 'victim'. It would explain why she's always been so condescending. She's particularly patronising to my mother, which interests me. My mum has always had so many things his hasn't including:

More then one child

No history of severed relationships/contact/hostility with said children

No drug abuse among children

Own career

Financial independence

The respect of other women

Integrity

Yet She still looks down on her because, by choice, she doesn't have a bloody man. The one thing MIL builds her whole sodding identity on.

I shouldn't be surprised but I am disappointed.

Is it a similar story with yours?

Sorry - the 'more than one child' is only because she told her son, when he wanted a sibling, that his birth was so traumatic that to have another would kill her. She had a normal delivery. He was 7lbs.

Who knows how long dysfunction has been reverberating down the generations, how many lives have been blighted because of it? The important thing is that we have noticed it, and we are doing something about it.

Yes. Everytime he runs home to mommy, she is feeding him. But he is also feeding her when he goes running back.

You are best off rid of them. Try not to let them.wind you up. Allow them to live in a wordl full of drama. You concentrate on yourself and your family.
Your mother seems strong and independant. Something his mother probably wishes she could be.

As for my story. His mother still sees him as a baby. He has just breached his non molestation order by sending an email. She has made a statement to the police claiming it was her and she is sorry.
No one believes them -but what can anyone do? Hmm ...
She just keeps showing me that she is just the same as him. Which at times i find hard to believe as she seemed so nice.
How else could she produce such a tit though.

It helps me feel less guilty though, when i question whether i should allow her some contact with my ds or not.

She clearly can't be trusted. Does he have any genuine respect for her? Mine is quite derisory of his unless he needs his bottle.

I often think of this when she's driving me up the wall. The thing is, she's woven this 'emotionally fragile child-woman' mantle so effectively that no one says anything to her. People pity her, if anything, but she only sees adoration in the lack of criticism or accountability. Sad really.

You know what i find the hardest to deal with after all of this...

Other peoples reactions. Normal reactions.
I keep expecting people to lose their patience with me, and being highly confused when they dont.

I am being encouraged by people to talk about what is bothering me, when for so long i was told i was burdening other people.and dragging them down.

It is so hard to get that level correct in my head again.
I find myself saying sorry all of the time - and being told to stop it, as most of the time i have nothing to say sorry for. Yet i feel i must!

They sound pretty similar tinsel. He slags his mother off, until he wants something. Then she is the best.

She is exactly the same. She has mastered thenart of 'butter wouldnt melt' when really she is just as bad as him.

Sorry x post with my other post

Cross posted for your advice.
Thank you.

..
My husband has never hit me but he gets verbally aggressive and intimidating when he's angry. To the point where I fear for my safety
Here's an example.
We take turns to see to our 9 month baby at night. Last night was my turn and had got upto her once. Then next time she cried I had just dozed off and ask DH to see to her. He did but I could tell he was annoyed. Then she cried again. Well she wasn't crying as such just whinging. I got up to her and gave her dummy, still whinging, gave her some milk, still whinging, I changed her nappy when she struggles out to turn and wriggle. I couldn't get the nappy on properly as she wouldn't keep still. I lost my patience and shouted "stop it" at her. This shocks her into crying and DH comes in and shouts at me to "get out". I said no I needed to get her sorted and to sleep but he physically manhandled me out the room. Picked me up by my arms which hurt. DD settles down and DH comes to bed, I'm upset at what just happened and crying. He says nothing. I feel so upset I asked him to say if he thought I was a bad mother but he ignored me. I get more upset until he just explodes into anger and told me I should not treat a 9 month old baby that way. I explained what she was doing and said that I was wrong but it stopped her from wriggling so much. I reminded him the other night when I was working he had her all night and would not settle down. Then he turned it around saying I was calling him a bad father. He proceeded to shout at me saying all kinds of things including "I had to get you off her" and "you're a piece of crap". This escalated to the point he was stood over me in bed, shouting in my face and I cowered thinking he might even hit me. He then went downstairs. Just as I was falling asleep he came back upstairs to have another go at me. I went to sit quietly in DD room to get away from him. He followed and told me to get out of her room as I would wake her. I did because I didn't want another argument and was afraid. Then he became nice saying he just didn't know what was going on, all he heard was me shouting at the baby and it was his instinct to protect her. He said he hoped I would do the same. He said I made him angry by trying to make him say I was a bad mother and that I said he was a bad father. When I pointed out I never said he was a bad father he got angry and verbally aggressive again.
Anyway things calmed down and I sober the whole of last night wondering how I ever managed to marry someone like this.
This morning he came to give me a hug and told me how miserable he is because he feels like I don't care about him, if it wasn't for our baby he would kill himself and if he left he would have no where to go and have nothing and we would never see him again. His career hasn't worked out how he wanted and he only took this office based job he hates for our baby's sake. He says I speak to him like shit, I know I do snap at him sometimes.
My dad passed away recently and he complains my mum is over too often that me and him have no time together.
I told him I am struggling working full time 12 hr shifts and I want to cut down but he says that he wants to cut his hours down but we can't afford it. Then he complains I work too many nights and never have time for him.
I told him he's being abusive he said "I've never hit you have I?" I say but I'm afraid he will he said he's afraid I might hit our daughter if I shout at her like I did last night. I would never hurt my baby, that goes without saying!
I know I'm rambling on and there's so many other examples I can give. When these outbursts occur I think to myself right that's it we are done I can't put up with this but then we talk and it seems better and it's like I forget what's happened until the next time when each time it's worse than the last.
I asked my mum before if I could move in with her for a while, she knows what he's like but she's said no we are adults and have to sort it out between us. The house is in my name. I owned it with an ex bf before I met DH but I am afraid to be near him when he's angry.

oh yes, the mothers!
through trying to be the 'perfect' version of a mother they have in turn created a world in which their child/son/FW doesn't have to engage.

My X-MIL has just stopped speaking to me. Done.
She didn't acknowledge me in her home, nor did she thank me for driving up and down the motorway and handing over my children. She also kindly explained why I should accept her son for who he is.
Arrgh yes a narc with an obvious PD, controlling behaviour and a tendency towards physical violence and emotional black mail for physical (sexual) gain. Yes, of course, when listing all the qualities I want in a DP those were TOP PRIORITY requirements.
She is stilling buying DD and DS a sack full of toys when she visits. I had never seen this as controlling behaviour but I am beginning to recognise the similarities.
also when I started to picture FW in nothing but a nappy with a dummy in his mouth stamping his feet because I said he couldn't have a biscuit - I quickly saw him for what he is. He is one of those kids whose parents never say no and mean it.

Your story sounds very familiar to myself.

It sounds you will never be able to win. You can never please him.
It doesnt sound like a healthy, happy relationship.

Yes, there may have been wrong on both sides. But he has taken things a little too far. He is completely ignoring what he has said and done and focusing on you. Shifting the blame. And it has worked. You are questioning things, when i bet he is swanning around as if everything is fine.

My ex would say that to me when id question his behaviour "well im not as bad as others, am i? Have i ever hit you? No so you cant say its abuse" but it is and it was!
He was minimising his own behaviour and encouraging me to do so also.

It is completely your choice over what you decide to do,but i honestlt dont see anything beneficial for you in a relationship like this.

Yes tweedlezwe that is exactly what they are! I wonder just how many of these have mothers just like that!

I bet the majority! It isnt any wonder they never change. They dont need to!

Ah, yes, the sack of toy thing! With her it's shoes. She'll offer to buy them shoes. Very generous on the surface but she doesn't mean making a contribution, she means taking them to the shop and buying them EVERY TIME so I am unable to enjoy the perfectly normal pleasure of seeing their feet measured or their eyes light-up when the pair they really want appears. When I suggested she come with me to buy shoes, the offer was withdrawn.

I am worried about her subtly trying to sow the seeds of something nefarious in my boys though, when I take a deep breath, I don't think they'd fall for it. I hope.

Mindy I have been in a job that made me wretched - in fact every job has made me feel like this in the end. Which made me very short-fused. And you are both sleep deprived. Can/will your husband make some sort of plan to refocus his career? Are there any steps you can both take to lessen sleep deprivation?

I don't know from your post whether his behaviour is abusive - I only know that I have done similar. I put things in place to change and have succeeded. My FW was verbally and emotionally abusive over the long, long, term, gradually getting worse.

*to change myself

I never thought of the buying things as anything.
I always felt like i was in some competition but thought it was just me.
She would go over the top and christmas and bdays, making it look as if i didnt make much of an effort.

She was the same for shoes...and coats.
It made me feel petty when i was saying i wanted to buy them. She done the same with his pram. She was upset when i refused to use the pram she got me, when i wanted to use mine.
I felt ungrateful -now i understand a bit better, i am pleased i stood my ground!

my DD has 8 coats and 3 body warmers...she is 2. There are not enough hours in the day to wear all those coats.
She buys her the things she likes irrelevant of how I feel about it. I am not a fan of hello kitty stuff...I don't care if anyone does just don't buy it myself. She does though. LOADS OF IT! And when DD opens the wrapped (un)Christmas presents she looks at me and says "I know you don't like it so I can take it back if you want?" Of course, after my DD has opened it and squealed with excitement, I will not be telling you to take it back.
If I spoke out she would shoot me down (just like her DS) and sweep it quickly under the carpet (a big lumpy carpet with loads of ishoos under it) and if I did speak out in spite of her attempts to ignore my feelings she would get obviously frustrated with me.
it's not good to fill the emotional void with material possessions. I read a quote once which said "it takes a real woman to raise a man"

Sorry interrupting here! Posted before that im planning to leave partner, thanks to you lovely ladies I found all sorts of great people/organisations to speak to about housing and money etc. Think the way to go is to rent privately to stay in my area. The problem I have now is (because I dont work anymore-he wouldnt let me earn money so I have been looking after my 2 kids) it looks like I have to move out before any housing benefit can be sorted. So my question is, should I tell him before I have a place sorted? Was just going to sort everything out and just leave. I really didnt want to tell him because I dont know what his reaction will be. He has threatened all sorts when iv tried to leave in the past. Suppose im just scared. Those of you that are out-how did you do it?

Im pleased you are making steps to better your life.

If you think/know he will make things difficult for you, then i would hold off telling him.

Good luck with whatever you decide