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Original poster

Have you ever cheated on DP?

114 replies

MamaPingu · 08/01/2014 22:37

I hope this is ok to ask, I end up wondering about things to myself then end up quizzing MNers about it

So if it's ok..
How did it happen?
Did you know the person you cheated with?
Does DP know?

OP posts:
elizadofuckall · 12/01/2014 08:41

biologically we are not designed to stay with one partner for our entire reproductive years and that we are designed to stray, to search for better genes.

That old chesnut.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/01/2014 08:41

No, got all of that out of the way in my teens, early 20s. I had a few overlapping relationships then Hmm
Never cheated on DH, 20 years married.
I look back in my pre DH years with slight contempt for myself TBH. I was very immature.

MummyBeerest · 12/01/2014 08:51

No, as pp said, got that out of the way in teen years.

I also totally agree with Cat98 and the reasons for cheating in men and women. When I did, it was for the idea that I'd have some magical connection with one that I didn't have with the other.

Offred · 12/01/2014 08:52

I don't get the logic behind not believing in monogamy and therefore feeling justified in cheating.

I'm quite opposed to the cult of hetero-monogamy but I think you should not agree to be in a LT monogamous relationship if that's the case. Lying and cheating is lying and cheating whether you believe in monogamy or not.

Lizzabadger · 12/01/2014 08:52

No.

OvertiredandConfused · 12/01/2014 10:55

I was the OW when I was single and in my 20s. Never got found out and relationship shifted to friendship. Twenty years on, he's happy in his second marriage and I've been married for 15 years. Our respective partners know about the history of our relationship and we've all met - they came to my 40th for example.

Not excusing it at all but, tbh, think it was more that I didn't know how to have a platonic relationship when we met.

poopooheadwillyfatface · 12/01/2014 11:02

with exes, only casual boyfriends there was sometimes an overlapWink
But DH is the only person I have kissed since our first date. Can't imagine anyone else TBH

beachside · 12/01/2014 21:35

biologically we are not designed to stay with one partner for our entire reproductive years and that we are designed to stray, to search for better genes.

That old chesnut.

Yes, you know, that old chestnut, as in 50,000 years of evolution, versus 300 years of social strictures.

But you could, if you wanted or could be bothered, do a little reading about this yourself, or you could just have an ill formed opinion and crap spelling. :)

Offred · 12/01/2014 22:01

Beachside - what has not believing in monogamy got to do with cheating?

As I understand it, if you are upfront with your partner about not being monogamous, then it isn't cheating but not believing in monogamy doesn't excuse misleading a partner about whether you do believe in monogamy or a decision to deliberately lie to them.

CatAmongThePigeons · 12/01/2014 22:03

I never cheated, was an OW as a young, naive teen, but I haven't cheated on my DH and no matter how exciting the prospect of someone, else, I saw the fall-out and I would never want to do that to my family.
My husband has had an EA and I caught him looking at dating sites (pre me finding MN), it's devastating.

Nojustalurker · 12/01/2014 22:06

I snogged somebody else when I was 18. But I have never cheated on DH. The snogging was when I was going out with somebody who was not DH.

MiniTheMinx · 12/01/2014 22:10

No I wouldn't but if I wanted to I would tell him and let him decide if he could live with it. So no I wouldn't cheat but I don't rate exclusivity that highly.

loopeyloo · 12/01/2014 22:43

Ive been with my DH 8 years seperated for a few months and started seeing another guy Who i cheated on with DH and weve been back together ever since

I actually met DH while dating another guy originally but it was only a few dates hadnt slept with him or anything so not sure that counts

nouvellevag · 12/01/2014 23:40

I've never cheated on anyone. I was really, really tempted once when I was in an exclusive relationship (and that relationship was so screwed up that in some ways I think it would have been emotionally healthier for me to cheat, although that obviously wouldn't have made it right). But I stopped myself and sent Tempting Man packing.

Tempting Man actually came back for a shag when I was single, and I later found out that he was with a girlfriend at the time, so I have unwittingly been the OW. Hmm

I had some non-exclusive relationships but that was always discussed and agreed. Now exclusive with DH. As far as I know I've never been cheated on.

My mum and my best female mate from school have both cheated, and so did shitloads of the other British girls I knew when we were all studying abroad for a year - something about going away at that age seems to a lot of relationships tits up. :(

nouvellevag · 12/01/2014 23:42

*seems to SEND a lot of relationships

Oblomov · 12/01/2014 23:47

No . Never have. Never will. Ever. It's not in my nature.
Why are you asking?

lookingfoxy · 12/01/2014 23:55

At the very end of my previous relationship when it was quite nasty yes I had an affair.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 13/01/2014 00:28

Yes I have cheated with previous partners before my DH. In fact I was rarely faithful in my 20's.

As soon as something became long term and serious I would end up cheating.

I think it stemmed from my first ever relationship. I fell head over heels, and looking back the first and only time we had sex it was what I would now call date rape, he belittled me and semi forced me, and I lost my virginity and got pregnant in the same evening. I then found out he had several girlfriends, around the base in which he was stationed. He was writing to a few girls in our home town, who were old school friends of his, bragging about how cheap the prostitutes were while on a six month exercise abroad. I had a part time job in the same place as one of the girls, and overheard her laughing about it, and me in the staff canteen one evening. All the while I was going through planning a termination alone as I was too scared to tell my parents, finishing my a levels etc, and writing him soppy love letters, talking about how much I missed him to everyone.

I think after that a preservation mechanism sort of set in, I'll cheat on you, and then if you do it to me, it won't hurt as much. Sounds ridiculous now, but I was young. Usually I cheated with the next person I would have a relationship with. I wasn't chasing down other peoples husbands, I knew the people I cheated with.

I got it all out of my system by the time I'd hit 28-30 and then spent a lot of time on my own enjoying my own company, learning to respect myself and calming down a lot.

I would never have even contemplated marriage at that time. I would never cheat on my DH even though temptation has been there (I work away a lot, he would never find out). I thought long and hard about marriage as a commitment before we got hitched.

Rosencrantz · 13/01/2014 02:11

I did when I was 19, and I don't regret it in the slightest. Was the only way out of the relationship I could think of.

He wouldn't touch me again after another man had been there, so my plan succeeded. Much better than being punched in the face when I tried to dump him.

Diplopoda · 13/01/2014 02:14

No.
I grew out of it and have done a massive 180!
If things were that bad I would just leave because I would hate myself nowadays.

needtorest · 13/01/2014 11:51

I've never cheated in a relationship, have been with DH 7 years and have just never been tempted to. Most other men I know are in relationships with family/close friends so I see them more like brothers, or are gay/really old/really young/single for a reason! I'm not really hung up on monogamy as a concept though - I've had poly relationships in my past and also very casual experiences where the man may/may not have been in a relationship. The reason I don't cheat is less about not wanting to hurt DH/feeling guilty and more to do with the fact that when I'm in a relationship I've never felt attracted enough to someone else, I don't feel as if I have to keep my temptation in check but rather that I just don't feel it at all. When I've lost attraction for a partner I've always taken that as a cue to end the relationship.

I've never been cheated on as far as I know. Amongst friends/family, I hardly know anyone who has cheated (though I'm sure it goes on).

mrswarbouys · 15/01/2014 11:16

purplegadget I think you have to consider very carefully (as I'm sure you have) the effect that seeing and knowing that you and your D.P are not close is having on the children. Children are extraordinarily perceptive, they feel tensions like that deeply, and in my experience, not always willing or able to communicate their feelings. It's possible that your living with a man you no longer love could unbalance them more in the long run - than if you two made the break. Only you know.

This isn't me urging you to leave your D.P. I did and it was very painful for my Ex and the children. As I said I have to live with the guilt of doing that to them as my Ex would have just let things go on the way they were.

I know I sound self absorbed but I stayed with my Ex for years for the DC's sake until I could take no more. We're all happier now. Ex has remarried and children are thriving..

cory · 15/01/2014 11:18

No. Nor he on me.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/01/2014 11:22

If I fancied somebody else and wanted to act on it I would leave my dh, not before explaining to him what had happened.
Yes, people do fancy others whilst they are in a relationship or married. You don't have to act upon it, you can show some restraint and stop and think about it surely.
Maybe if you do act upon it and it is a spur of the moment thing, tou and your dp are not best suited.
So no, I haven't and don't think its likely that I would.

cory · 15/01/2014 11:31

beachside, do we know what we are designed to do biologically? I thought that idea had been questioned in recent years.

and assuming that you could provide evidence for total polygamy in the early human race- what about the other things that you could also find evidence for but which don't fit well into the requirements of modern society (fighting as a means of asserting dominance over rivals, cannibalism, infanticide)? I could easily prove any of those from the archaeological/historical record. Doesn't mean they ensure survival in modern society.

My own feelings is that a modern relationship- which depends on non-coercion, equality, cooperation and communication to be viable in modern society- cannot be expected to function in the same way as that of a primate who is forcibly mounted by the alpha male of her flock. There is no point in comparing them.

The way evolution works is by responding to environment. Which is why e.g. some fish species are monogamous and some are polygamous. They adapt to environment.