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Original poster

Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

766 replies

brusslesprout · 07/01/2014 23:52

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
QueenThora · 08/01/2014 09:48

While I try to respect their choices, I do feel uncomfortable about people (male or female, but they are usually female) who choose not to work once their DC are at school. I don't mean because they have commitments like caring for someone, if they are retraining, or doing something specific with their DP's agreement, like devoting a year to writing a novel. (and are actually doing it.) But if they just fancy not working because their DP can afford to support them.

If it was a man doing this, he would probably get a hard time if his wife complained about it on here. But lots of women do it and I kind of don't have much respect for them. I can't get my head around not wanting to keep your hand in and earn some money yourself, and I can't get my head around not wanting to have a career. Or even a job. If my career went tits up I would rather work in poundstretcher than do nothing at all (and I have had low-paid jobs aplenty so I know what that means).

I don't say this to people in RL!

Fairylea · 08/01/2014 09:49

If a family is happy with one person being at home and the other person working what's the problem? Regardless of the ages of children or indeed if there even are any children at all its completely up to those involved. Jobs are few and far between- if I'm choosing not to work someone else can have the job I would have had!

There will always be ambitious people who want a career and there will always be those who are more content to be at home full time. It has always been that way... and I don't think it's a man or woman specific thing.

My ex dh is now a sahd to twin boys. One of the reasons I think our relationship didn't work is because we both wanted to be at home! He has married a high earning woman and she supports him to stay at home. He has sold the small company he used to own and hasn't worked since.

I guess everyone wants different things. It doesn't make someone a bad person because they want to stay at home if their partner is happy to support them.

QueenThora · 08/01/2014 09:51

If a family is happy with one person being at home and the other person working what's the problem?

You're right and it is their choice. That's what I tell myself. But when I meet those women I just can't help feeling a bit disappointed. How can you not want to work/have earning capacity should you need it?

I realise this makes me a bit narrow-minded, I do struggle with it. But I also agree it's not giving your kids a great message.

Bonsoir · 08/01/2014 09:52

QueenThora - my DC are at school (one at university) and there is a lot more work at home when they get older than when they were younger. There is more to bringing up DC than minding them.

MrsSteptoe · 08/01/2014 09:55

Complicated. I have always earned more than DH, and I don't really like it. But I think I would be more OK with it if DH took a bit more responsibility for sharing the bills. He tends to stick like glue to his chosen line of work, and won't try anything else. If he doesn't have enough money to make a contribution to the mortgage, or to buy groceries, then there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, I have to pay for everything. This can go on for months on end. It's not that he isn't working, it's just that what he works at can go for months without any income (and when he does earn, it tends to be a fairly "ordinary" amount, so it's not the feast or famine that some people experience - it's annually a very low figure because of the periods of non-earning).

I tend to feel that I'm not playing as a team because I'm not happy with being the principal breadwinner. In reality, I wonder how many people would see it as we're not a team because DH doesn't see it as his responsibility to explore other ways of increasing his contribution.

It certainly makes me feel trapped and "on my own with it".

PurpleSprout · 08/01/2014 09:55

Shit happens and clearly I wouldn't up and leave my partner if circumstances reduced his income, but yes it mattered.

I wanted a partner with similar levels of education, potential and work ethic to myself. It's just easier.

Having a good standard of living is important to me and I think I would resent it if I had a partner whose choices meant I had to markedly compromise my standard of living. That's not judging those choices in general, it's just that a starving artist would not be a good fit for me (not most likely, me for them).

Incidentally I earn more than he does and have done for a number of years now, so no Stepford wife here.

MatryoshkaDoll · 08/01/2014 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSteptoe · 08/01/2014 09:58

God, I hate not being able to edit. But I think I would be more OK with it if DH took a bit more responsibility for sharing the bills. - that goes without saying, doesn't it?!
What I mean is, if DH were more inclined to behave as if it IS his responsibility to try to share the bills - if he put more effort into trying to get other work. What I'm trying to say is, at ridiculous and unnecessary length, is it's all about the effort, not the outcome.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:58

I think both contributing financially is important. I wonder if SAHM was changed to non working mum and working mum if people would be so keen on it! Bonsoir what extra is there to do once they are older?

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/01/2014 10:00

I agree that this thread makes for some depressing reading.

I'm with those who say that it matters what I earn and that I can always support myself (and my children) on my own. I would rather not work, but it is something I have to do. I am not willing to make myself reliant on someone else financially, so long as I have a choice.

I've seen what can happens when in divorce. Luckily my mum had a career, but she still had to work extra jobs to keep paying the mortgage after she chucked my dad out. He made things as difficult as possible for her in a cutting off his nose to spite his face manner. My mum didn't think he'd be such an arsehole when she married him - obviously.

I earn more than DH. He'll probably earn more than me in the future (due to my health issues) but my salary alone would cover the essentials if need be. In fact, DH had no income when we met (he was a student) and we lived off my salary. I clearly wasn't looking for someone to keep me.

MatryoshkaDoll · 08/01/2014 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/01/2014 10:01

Well, yes, Bonsoir. But it is perfectly possible to do all of this stuff and work as well!

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 10:02

Maintaining a home and family is not work! It is what we all do. Would you bring your dd up to be able to run a house really well and tell her a career doesn't matter?

Bonsoir · 08/01/2014 10:04

I disagree, based on the very broad sample of families I have around me. The DC with a SAHP do so very much better at school and in general terms than those with a WOHP.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 10:05

What about when they are older and independent? I agree that a parent at home while they are young is great if you can.

Bonsoir · 08/01/2014 10:09

Frankly, the final two years of school are by far the most labour intensive I have known. DC are kept super busy by school and need lots of domestic support to ensure they keep up with all the work and still stay healthy. And time taken to identify the right course of HE and do all the things necessary to ensure they get there is just massive. I have never known the DC need so much "talking time" - there is so much information for them to process and digest and take important decisions about.

wordfactory · 08/01/2014 10:10

So Bonsoir have you brought up ypur DSSs with the idea that once their partners have DC, they should not expect them to earn for twenty years or more?

Original poster
brusslesprout · 08/01/2014 10:10

As soon as I left school my Mum was on at me everyday to get a job... I remember it well! Smile

OP posts:
noddyholder · 08/01/2014 10:12

Bonsoir they can do all that themselves though and indeed need a certain amount of input themselves! What will you do once they are all gone? My ds and I are really close and talk a lot but its not a full time job!

Bonsoir · 08/01/2014 10:12

We have brought them up with the idea that they will need a wide variety of skills to adapt to the circumstances in which they find themselves.

Having said that, family values are a very high priority for us and we abhor the idea that every parent should be out earning to the detriment of wider society and family life because of misplaced ideology.

wordfactory · 08/01/2014 10:12

Also the vast majority of young people at university have two working parents. You do know that right?

I work at one of the most selective universities in the country, in a ludicrously competitive department and most of our students have two working parents Wink.

MurderOfGoths · 08/01/2014 10:13

NeoFaust When I first got together with my husband we agreed that it suited or skills better if he ended up being the SAHP and I went to work, so don't worry too much. Not all women think the same as in this depressing thread. And luckily for me DH doesn't care how much I earn seeing as disability fucked things up a bit, good thing we fell in love with each others personalities not wallets!

dingit · 08/01/2014 10:13

Despite having a sahm, already my dd is fearcly independent, and has her own mind. Ds on the other hand is a bit of a lazy so and so, but that is their personalities, not because of me.

And people that dis sahms, they don't know the circumstances. I can't be bothered to explain my situation, but we have been together 27 years and are very happy. Yes we could divorce, but I'll cross that bridge and fall off of it when it happens thank you very much.

Bonsoir · 08/01/2014 10:14

I have several PT paid (and unpaid) professional activities which I know I can ramp up anytime - no problems there. I have a bigger issue TBH which is turning others down because I need more time for my family.

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/01/2014 10:14

The final two years of school are when they have to do lots of work, not their parents. Similarly finding a university course is really their responsibility (they can get advice, but they really should be doing the work of finding out themselves). These things are important parts of the process of becoming independent adults.

Parents can talk to, advise and support their children whether they're at home all day (while the kids are at school). Same goes for ensuring that they are fed and watered, and have clean clothes (although, frankly, teenagers should be helping with the domestic duties).

I'm not sure I'd describe making dinner, asking if they've done their homework and talking to them as a huge amount of 'work'.