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Original poster

Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

766 replies

brusslesprout · 07/01/2014 23:52

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
annieorangutan · 08/01/2014 07:35

If your relationship is so weak that lack of money breaks it up then you arent properly in love. Its much more important to have great conversation, great sex, him being a family man and doing lots at home with the kids and him being your best friend. If youve got that then you are richer than anything any money can buy.

Moreisnnogedag · 08/01/2014 07:39

Nope. Bloody hell I'm a bit Hmm about some responses. I wanted my DH to have a work ethic, not just earn. He doesn't earn at all now but is a fantastic sahp. We have always known that I would earn substantially more than him as his previous field was low paid.

simmerdown · 08/01/2014 07:39

annie I think that's naive. Many people are in love but their relationship is put under immense strain by financial woes and this probably stops them wanting to have great conversation and sex.

When DH and I met we both owned houses with approximately the same amount of equity and earned similar amounts. I don't see why I should be wringing my hands because he now earns a lot. I married a man with a massive brain and great vision - that's not the same as marrying a wallet. If it all went tits up we could live on my income anyway, although I would miss the lifestyle.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 07:40

If you feel that you are a team and hence no need to be financially independent you are in trouble IMHO That is a terrible attitude.

ithaka · 08/01/2014 07:42

No. My DH jacked in a well paid job that made him unhappy & went back to uni to retrain as a teacher. Financially we scrabbled by and emotionally it has been fantastic as DH is now happy & fulfilled in a job he loves.

I would never expect him to work so I could stay at home - what century is this? We both have the skills to pay the bills and supporting our family is a joint endeavour.

Would all the Stepfords on this thread fall out of of love with their DHs if their man couldn't earn for some reason & shock, horror they had to work themselves? Seems like a pretty flimsy base for a marriage to me.

MinesAPintOfTea · 08/01/2014 07:47

noddy what if like me you accept support through a non-earning patch as an investment in my career and thus higher long-term family earnings? I can do this precisely because we're a team and pull together financially.

If DH stopped earning tomorrow we'd be running our savings down fast. If he wanted to do so in a year then that's fine (as my deadline to turn a profit or get a permanent job is 9 months away)

CaptainHindsight · 08/01/2014 07:47

Nope, he didn't have a penny to scratch his arse with when we met (students!) and nearly 10 years on he earns well but that's incidental and certainly not a requirement for us to have a strong relationship.

We have been that couple coppering up pennies to buy nappies in the early days and I loved him then as much as i do now.

annieorangutan · 08/01/2014 07:48

We have money now but there have been times we have had no money like when we were students and when we first had a mortgage in our early 20s. It didnt stop us from having great conversation or sex simmerdown I think its hard to understand for people who dont love someone no matter what.

OhCaptainDarling · 08/01/2014 07:59

Yes, as it pays the mortgage and has let me be a SAHM. However i will be going back to work within the next 18months / 2 yrs.

simmerdown · 08/01/2014 08:02

annie I wasn't really talking about people who are a little bit hard up when they're students or getting their first mortgage. I'm talking about having kids and responsibilities and not being able to make ends meet when you're exhausted and fighting off repossession or worse. Of course, sex and conversation are free, but do you not see how mental stress can affect desire and life in general?

OhCaptainDarling · 08/01/2014 08:02

Should add, I meet DH when I was 18 and at Uni. He'd left uni and was working in some fairly low paid jobs for a while. He's worked really hard to become a high earner. I left Uni and worked full time until we had DD.

IndiansInTheLobby · 08/01/2014 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

callamia · 08/01/2014 08:08

It's not a source of attraction.

I earn more than my husband, but he is studying so that he can get a job that will allow him a better quality of life - I admire this, and I'd much rather have a happy partner who is able to spend time with his family than a rich husband who worked very long hours. He does earn 'enough' though -between us we can afford our rent etc.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 08/01/2014 08:12

Nope, doesn't bother me. DP is trained in a career that he chose to leave. If he stayed, he would earn over twice what he does now, but I would never see him. He would work away 5/6 nights a week and that's not a relationship either of us want to be in.

As it is, he earns less, but he's much happier and he's home evenings and weekends. He has the opportunity to do overtime if he wants it, and if he doesn't, that's fine too. We both have the same attitudes to money and the same goals, and that's what matters imo.

annieorangutan · 08/01/2014 08:31

Been through lots simmerdown. We have lived on nothing with our first when we were 23. Still got on with it though and our love never wavered.

annieorangutan · 08/01/2014 08:34

Totally agree captainhindsight Smile

Pigglesworth · 08/01/2014 08:36

Both I and my partner work full-time. When we first met I was a very low-earning student and he was a tutor/PhD student. Then we both earned the same amount for around three years, then he got a job that pays almost double his previous salary. I have loved him and happily been with him throughout. I do feel that life is easier/happier when you have more choices due to your better finances, but I would not seek out a partner based on his salary. What matters to me is work ethic and, if I reflect on it, I do also think that my partner having a full-time job is important (as it represents an element of financial stability/security). I have a very strong work ethic myself so I think it's largely about compatible values.

scornedwoman67 · 08/01/2014 08:50

To all the ladies who are saying they are happy to stay at home & let their husbands earn the money, I will say from personal experience & that of several friends. . make sure you have a 'plan B' because once they have their mid-life crisis & clear off with a twenty something who sees them as a meal ticket, you will need something to fall back on & will need to look after you and the kids. And deceitful men are very clever at hiding money, pleading poverty and yet still finding money for their new floozy. I've seen it many times. If possible, keep a bank account or at least work part time to keep your toe in the world of work. Thank God I did. I'm now post-divorce and back working full time, supporting me and my children. I shudder to think how it could have been.

BonaDea · 08/01/2014 08:56

On the other hand my DH earns what many would probably regard as a lot. But he works all the hours god sends, is never home to bath DS in the week (or to see me before bed for that matter!) and is stressed.

Although we have a financially comfortable life i do sometimes wonder whether a smaller house in exchange for a more 9-5 husband might not be such a bad deal.

simmerdown · 08/01/2014 08:57

Yes, annie when you were starting out. It's good that you have a strong relationship. Did you think you'd be poor forever? Or did you have good prospects? Honestly, I'm not denigrating your strong relationship, I'm just saying don't think those who find their marriage affected by financial stress, particularly in their 30s and 40s, but which time they would have hoped not to be struggling, didn't love each other enough to begin with.

annieorangutan · 08/01/2014 08:59

Im poor compared to mumsnet as we make about 30kish but for me and my area Im loaded. It all depends on what you value in life I suppose.

Thetallesttower · 08/01/2014 09:00

I've seen too many of my family get to middle-age and get divorced - and as scorned says, mysteriously the pension pot has disappeared or the CSA calculates a small amount to depend financially on a man for my financial future and to assure me I won't be poor in my older age. I earn a good wage and depend on myself financially and am not tempted into changing that the older I get.

benid · 08/01/2014 09:01

That bit in 'up in the air' when George Cloony's squeeze describes her perfect man and says (something like) 'strong hands, nice smile, and let him earn more than me, it just makes things so much easier'. What she said.

noooooo! why?

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:02

I am 48 several close friends have recently got divorce and their exes with good lawyers and the knowledge that the kids are all 18 and over have had to pay v little if anything and these women are floundering! Always maintain financial independence and involvement in that side of life. yes agree for one to support the other while children are small if you want a parent at home initially but once they are at school you need to WORK

benid · 08/01/2014 09:05

Hm posted too soon. Why does it make it easier if your male partner earns more? It's 2014 not 1954!! If that makes a man feel uncomfortable he should get out of the stone age.

This >>> "It matters that we have enough money to live on, it doesn't matter which of us earns it. "