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Original poster

Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

766 replies

brusslesprout · 07/01/2014 23:52

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
wordfactory · 08/01/2014 09:08

I knew from a very young age that I would not be poor. I always knew that I would do whatever I needed to earn a lot of money.

When I began dating, I went through a lot of men who I loved to be with and found highly attractive, but I also knew that I would not settle down with anyone who didn't share my views on money.

Fortunately, I met DH Grin.

Also, ambition matters to me. I'm highly ambitious and find it an attractive quality. So it's not just about money...

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:09

This thread is the MN equivalent of a bloody time machine.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 08/01/2014 09:10

I agree women should be self-sufficient. I have worked since I was 16 and never relied on anyone for money.

However my partner only earns roughly 16k a year and for a man of 33 I don't think that's enough Sad

I do think there must be less pressure if you both have well paid jobs but then again doesn't mean you're going to be any happier.

My friend was dating a chef in her early 20's, he was loaded but she never saw him so it's swings & roundabouts I guess.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 08/01/2014 09:10

benid I would not like to be a sole breadwinner.

I wouldn't mind for a short time if circumstances dictated, or DH decided to try his hand at something else, but I wouldn't have wabted to plan things like that. Too much responsibility.

I can fully see why men feel that way too (though DH has never cared).

Pigsmummy · 08/01/2014 09:11

My DH and I earn similar amounts and both have a strong work ethic, before I met him I dated guys who earned a lot less or simply were not bothered about a career and after a while it got a bit draining tbh. I had to everything such as all the driving (they didn't have a car), grocery shopping, arranging nights out and on a couple of occasions booking (and paying for) a much needed short break or holiday. I didn't like the role of being the breadwinner and feeling equal is important to me.

That said if my DH lost his job I would totally step up and be supportive, I am slightly younger than him and imagine he will retire earlier.

Original poster
brusslesprout · 08/01/2014 09:11

Sorry Noddy Wink

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 08/01/2014 09:14

It doesn't matter to me. I am very lucky and don't think myself or DD will ever need to rely on anyone else financially. So, with that in mind, I would rather the man I settle with was happy and pursuing something he enjoyed. I would prefer that to him working all hours to earn a living with people he hates and doing something he doesn't even like. As long as he is comfortable with what he earns (and you'd be surprised how many men simply see the figure of their salary as their life's achievement, not the by-product) then I really have no issue.

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/01/2014 09:15

I have seen a couple of friends utterly stuffed by their "DH" when he decided to have a mid life crisis and up sticks to be with a twentysomething with gravity defying tits. One (who was admittedly quite a smug SAHM, as her OH earned shedloads, and was a bit pitying of those of us who "had" to work) has been so stuffed financially that she is having to move country, and has gone from a rather lovely 5 bedroom house in the country with swimming pool, to a small and grotty 2 bed flat somewhere cheap, because she has been utterly shafted financially by her ex. It happens quite a lot on the expat circuit, which is even worse, as you are left on your own in a country where you don't have many friends (a lot disappear on the split) and have to decide where you are going to live.

Preciousbane · 08/01/2014 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starballbunny · 08/01/2014 09:15

Of course it does,
Women have babies!

NeoFaust · 08/01/2014 09:19

Gods, I'm so f*cked if most people still think like some of the women on here.

I hate working. I really, really hate it. I'm not 'ambitious' because there's nothing in a career I value beyond the money and I don't need much of it to be happy. I work because I have to and I only do what I need to get by. I'd like to be a SAHP, so it's kind of important to me that my present DP is ambitious and happy to support that.

But now I'm terrified that she's secretly stuck in Stepford like so many on this thread.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:20

They aren't babies forever! Such a cop out. What someone earns is there business. If you are looking for a better life contribute!

annieorangutan · 08/01/2014 09:21

brusselsprout if hes only only 16k and you work you get all your childcare paid and on top of that if you havent got kids yet you will more than likely enjoy the social side of working and being with your friends. Its nice having something different to do

Preciousbane · 08/01/2014 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenThora · 08/01/2014 09:22

Not in principle – if I'd fallen in love with a threadbare poet or artist or a low-earning zookeeper etc I would have gone with it, as I have earning capacity - although I would want my partner to have a passion and drive for something, however low-paid.

However once you have shacked up with your partner and had kids, you get used to the level of income they bring to the table - you base your mortgage on your joint earnings, etc. It has affected my career to go part-time while the DC are pre-school - I didn't do that because I'm the woman (I hope) but because I'm freelance and it's easier for me to work fewer / more flexible hours. But to do that we all rely on DP staying in his good job. I wouldn't be happy if at this point he decided to become a struggling artist or whatever.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:24

Mrsschadenfreude me too. I have seen so many in the last 2 years. And tbh those who thought they had a rock solid relationship and it couldn't happen to them BUT their partners didn't think the same. One couple where I knew the man first hence have had more to do with him since has actually met another woman since his divorce and she is not young or glam or anything but she is independent and financially her own woman. In his case he got bored with his wife who just hadn't moved on from the school gate because it suited her

milk · 08/01/2014 09:24

Yes Blush I only like achievers! They are passionate about what they do and the money goes with it :)

QueenThora · 08/01/2014 09:24

If he lost his job though, that would be different - I would step up, but he would have to do a lot of childcare.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:30

Lots of achievers don't earn much! Hopefully you are an acheiver and support your own ethic. You can never 'expect'. Some women on here are in for a shock if things don't go to plan later and staistically there will be a few who end up shafted!

dingit · 08/01/2014 09:32

Yes, as I'm a sahm.

He works very hard and now earns a very respectable amount. When he earned less, we were still ok, he's a very generous man.

Fairylea · 08/01/2014 09:38

It's so easy for people to make assumptions about sahms though... that we're naive, that we haven't ever earned a good wage and therefore don't understand the pressure of being the breadwinner, that we haven't considered long term etc etc. And yes that may be true for some sahms but not all.

I was one of the people up thread that said I like dh to earn enough for me to stay at home. For me personally this is because when I met dh I was an extremely high earner and had half my house in equity. I know what it's like to be stung financially- my first dh left me and I had to downsize and was left with 26k of debt.

When dh and I got married we remortgaged the house and effectively he is paying his his half. I don't want to work again because otherwise I am buying my house again which I've already done! (My share anyway - it's complicated but my mum and I owned the house together so dh brought my mum's share).

I have all my names on every account and the married bit was important to me from a legal point of view should we ever split up.

I admit I am in a more fortunate position than a lot of sahms as if we ever did split half of my half alone (half the equity) would be enough to buy somewhere small outright.

We have payment protections and life insurances. We have dc together and although I may look for part time work when they start school for something to do I am not particularly bothered about it. Luckily dh enjoys working and I don't even though he earns about a third of what I used to earn. We are happy living a more frugal life.

I think people's circumstances are often so complicated it's hard to understand a viewpoint until you have walked in their shoes really. Especially until you have been through a divorce etc etc.

wordfactory · 08/01/2014 09:39

It's interesting that so many women don't want or expect to earn. I wonder if many of us are bringing up our DDs to feel the same? Or bringing up our sons to expect to be sole breadwinners?

Original poster
brusslesprout · 08/01/2014 09:40

annieorangutan I didn't think that you would get all childcare paid if one of you earns more?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 08/01/2014 09:42

SAHM is not a job. You are a mother who is looking after your children before they go to school. After that? Agree with word what does this teach daughters and sons. I would hate my son to meet someone with this attitude

LtEveDallas · 08/01/2014 09:45

No, which is a good thing really seeing as DH doesn't earn anything Smile
(He does have his military pension, but it is less than 10K a year). he has no ambition regarding a second career, but that doesn't bother me at all. If he wants to remain "retired" (in quotes as he is only 45) then so be it. He probably will return to work at some point, but I wouldn't expect him to earn much (not much call for blokes that can drive tanks and complete complex recce manouevers in civvy street).

I am quite happy being the breadwinner - I do wish he did more about the home, but it doesn't cause me any particular angst.