Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

[brusslesprout]

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

wordfactory - the definition of what constitutes "working" is pretty hazy! A lot of people on MN call themselves "working" when they are clearly doing fewer hours and earning a lot less than I do!

Crikey, my DS is fucked if he's going to need one of us around most of the time when he does his A levels. There's no way I can stop working that early, and DH won't be any use because he hides from everything academic except maths (chronic dyslexia back when it was a new diagnosis and you were widely seen as just thick shattered his academic confidence. Pity, because he has high latent potential.)

No one is dissing SAHM but I think the whole phrase needs re defining. You are a non working mother or another dependent for your dh.People say it like its a job and it isn't.

Not really as we both are ambitious and work full time in well paid jobs. My dH always says he couldn't bare to be with a SAHM type, he wanted an equal who could empathise with his life and was on the same track.

I earn double what my DH earns and I love it. I grew up watching my mum being miserable and trapped as she was financially dependent. I never want to be like her

I agree with that bonsoir if you can earn high and still be there (I am freelance) it is great BUT can produce children who are not good at sorting their own shit when the time comes and see you as a secretary/manager which my ds had to be pulled up on as he did see me around a lot.

We always talk to our DC about the details of their coursework and they expect to be able to talk to us about it (this continues now that DSS1 is at university) and to talk through what they need to know and learn next. DSS1 is looking for an internship or work experience for next summer and we have spent several evenings this holiday talking about that - he wants to use the skills he has learned this year and to build on them in a professional context and so we talk about the sorts of roles he could look for that would enable him to do that so that he can target his search most effectively.

Oh Bonsoir you can tell yourself anything .

It's not remotely hazy. It's a matter of record.

Anyways, no one should work if they don't want to, don't have to, and their partner supports it...

But it's daft to pretend that it's necessary for your DC to succeed.

My ds is at uni and tbh I don't know any other parents who get that involved!

It matters, yes.

I'm fortunate to not to have to work and very hapoy that I'm able to stay at home with the kids.

Yes - I have a disability which means I can't work and my DS also has SN which means he's far less independent than most dc his age. I'm quite involved in disability policy/charities and I'm aware that most families affected struggle financially. The stories you read are depressing and I'm very relieved that we can afford things like private therapies for DS, a decent-sized home with space for adaptations, legal help to get him into a good private special school, and pay for various things for me that help my health issues. I'm unlikely to ever work f/t again and DS will probably never be fully independent, so DH has a lot of responsibility and it could be a real strain on our relationship if he didn't earn so much, as it costs so much more to live as a disabled person/to have a disabled child (though DS and I both get DLA which helps). Of course, we didn't know that he'd be the sole breadwinner when we married and in fact I didn't think too much about his earning capacity at the time. We are just very fortunate that he works in a rapidly growing industry, he does work hard but has been quite lucky rather than fiercely ambitious. A lot of our contemporaries who work just as hard but chose a different industry are struggling to buy in London so we've been very lucky really.

Well, I don't intend to work in a paid job again, necessarily. If I have to look for an income, I will, but in the meantime we are quite happy with the way things are. My DSes are teens now.

*happy

I think that far too much emphasis is placed on making people "independent" when actually all it does is make them feel unable to talk to others about their preoccupations.

DSS1 has proved spectacularly good, at university (in a country/culture/language that is not his own) at forging relationships with his tutors and getting what he needs out of his course, and he has gained a lot of admiration from his peers because of it. Because he is used to have rational conversations with the informed adults around him...

Dixy30 In fairness, I think that's one interpretation of an equal - it's not necessarily one that everyone will share. But I'm honestly not doing that MN thing of getting all narky about a quickly written comment! It just struck me while I was reading your post.
NoArmaniNoPunani I feel trapped because I'm the higher earner - I can't ever step back and rely on him to pick up the slack for a bit.

Nothing's straightforward.

I didn't really answer the OP in my first post. DH brings in a good income. It is nice for me, because I am financially secure (yes I know, Noddy, as long as we remain together). DH likes being the breadwinner. If DH's income plummets I would look to work again.

It is hazy, wordfactory. I have friends who were contemporaries of mine at university who do PT admin work (20 hrs a week sort of thing at a local stately home) and they are classed as "working parents" by virtue of their hobby job.

Bonsoir- when your DC grow up and get jobs are they going to phone you up everyday to ask what you think they should do? Say your son goes into Ana counts role and can't balance the bank reconciliation, is he going to phone you up and ask for advice? Would you expect him to ask for advice?
Do you think it might be good to let your DSS1 take some responsibility for his own learning now and his job related stuff later?

It only mattered to me that the person I ended up spending my life with was motivated and hard-working - just as I am. Because living with a lazy arse would be a nightmare and I couldn't respect that kind of person.

But I don't believe that just because somebody is born with a penis that they should strive to earn enough to support another fully grown (and perfectly capable) adult. And TBH it depresses me that as the mother of sons, there still seem to be plenty of women out there who think that is the man's role .

I think all adults need a network of other adults to talk through their preoccupations - and, as a generalisation, women are much less good than men at having that network. The skills needed to exchange information (and my DSSs give me and DP plenty of useful information - it isn't a one way process) are crucial to life success.

A good worth ethic and prospects was important to me in choosing a husband.

I was told (by my hippie friends) that this was 'not what love is about' but I dont want to struggle through life, I want things to keep getting better for us and for the kids to have a nice upbringing.

so yes, very important to me.

I would not mind being the major breadwinner as long as I knew that the other person found their job rewarding or semi worthwhile. I imagine teachers and people working in the City can have similar stress levels yet the later earns considerably more but still lots of graduates pursue teaching as a career so it cant always be about the money

I too agree with what purplesprout says, I wouldn't have any issue if my and DH's roles were reversed. We both have professional jobs and he is the major breadwinner but I would have an issue if DH was content to potter around in a low paid job with no real career ambitions. I guess the bottom-line for me was somebody with similar aspirations because growing up my family struggled with money and I wanted an easier life for myself and my kids

Dh and I are a team and that applies to our household income too. We have a similar approach to money (although I spend more than him!!) and we don't have any debt other than our manageable mortgage. He works hard but has a job with fixed hours that allows him to spend time at home with the family, but also gives him the opportunity for overtime if he wants it. I would hate to have a dh who is a high earner but never spends time at home. We have a team approach to childcare and housework although I naturally do more than him as I only work part time.

We are lucky that my job was sufficiently well paid to allow me to work part time after we had our first child. I'm reassured that I'm financially independent and could increase my hours if necessary in the future.