Definetly from another planet!!

[Isheforreal]

My dh is always stopping of at the pub on the way home from work and comes in at varying times.7,7.30,8 sometimes midnight has been known to be so drunk,could,nt get a taxi and slept in the car waking me up at 5.10am the other saturday to let him in.He never answers his phone when I ring him up to find out how long he will be.
We have 2 children who are 5 and 3 and they have a great relationship with their dad.Me on the other hand go from thinking ok he likes a drink but he has never been unfaithful,he is a great dad,he works,he has never been physically violent.Then I have my down days when he lets me down all over again after he has promised to come home from work and have dinner with us and make an efort.I am left feeling disappointed,heartbroken for the children,used,a doormat you name it.

Tonights example he came home in a taxi at 8.30,children in bed and just annouced "oh sorry had a few beers again."
I have been up with the children since 6am and he missed seeing them before their bedtime and they are now starting to ask at dinnertime "will daddy be late again tonight."

He then looked on his e mails and had got a friend to send him a download of a song I like.Really sweet thing to do I know but I am afraid I did'nt show much appreciation due to the fact he had let me down agan.
Anyway he goes on to say shall we take the laptop upstairs and listen to the album and make love.
Bearing in mind he has had a few drinks and I am not happy at him coming home late ,first day of the week and normally means I 'll have a whole week of this again to contend with.
Then he gets annoyed and storms off upstairs because I say I am not in the mood.
What is it with men,obviously led by their manhood.I can't seem to get through to him that I am so fed up and unhappy with this drinking situation never knowing where I am from day to day.He can't see any wrong in what he does.He is acting like he is single and has no responsibilites,he is 45 for gods sake.

I am 40 this year and life begins at 40 so they say ,I don't want to settle for this life with dh for years to come and more importantly I don't want that for my children.
Have read some of the other relationship threads and am in awe at the people involved for staying strong through difficult times.
Which made me ask the qustion.

Am I overeacting ,should I be happy with my lot?

relate

they say they do phone consultations on front page

other practical advice:

• set up an email account for yourself, where you can send links to & mail yourself a diary of his emails & what really happens, so that you can have a back-up record if you have to leave in a hurry

luckily I have never been in your situation but I am just thinking of things as I go along

Hi ishefor real.Hope you are doing ok.Havent had chance to go on mn for a couple of days.Jellyjelly and muminaquandrys advice both sound good.Relate a good starting point if dh amenable.Hope you and kids had a good day.

Well so much for making it up to me.He came in at 9.15pm ,could hardly stand and just collasped on the sofa.Not sure how he got home,he had left his car at the pub,I did.nt hear a taxi so I imagined he walked. We live in an open cul de sac and it was still light so I would imagine some of the neighbours may have seen him staggering across the road.These neighbours are the same ones who I will have to face at the school and whose children our children play with.
If my confidence and self esteem were low this has made me feel worse.I will be so paranoid now that everyone is talking about me and I cant besar the thought they will think me a bad mother to allow this to happen when we have children.I do care what people think,I know some people can just go through life not worrying what anyone thinks about them and I wish I could be like that but I am turning myself into a nervous wreak with all this.

Every night this week he has been out drinking.He has had one meal with us this week and even then he complained about it.

The weekend is coming up and no doubt he will ruin our saturday as he will have a massive hangover.He will not drink over the weekend unless he buys some beer or something and has been known to think of an excuse to go out then come back 3-4 hours later.The weekend should be the childrens time.I can't trust him to go to the shop on his own as I never now if he will sneak off to the pub. My mind is mashed with all this and I can't seem to escape from it!!

shameless bump

I dont like to say it but it seems like he is being like my x - a complete coward and he is leaving you to make up the decision.Maybe he doesnt want to feel guilt so is letting you make up your mind. You obviosuly cant put up with this nor should you or your children have to. He is not following through on his promises at all so push comes to shove what are you going to do?

You dont have to put up with this. Is he an alcholoic?

You've not used the word to date but I am wondering also if you think he is an alcoholic (a question I put to you earlier).

Would strongly suggest you make contact with Womens Aid.

How long are you going to put up with this behaviour from him?. Your H will never change and neither will his awful parents who are also not supporting you. Your children as well as your good self are being profoundly affected by his actions.

How are things?

Thinking of you.

Thanks everyone for thinking about me.

Am having a quiet weekend and keeping busy.
DH has been looking after the children a lot for me this weekend and took them out shopping to give me a break.

Along way off being sorted but at least their has been some progress this weekend.

Only next week will tell!!!

I hope that things are better in the week and not just on the weekend like mine was.

hOW ARE YOU?

Hi jellyjelly,you must be a mind reader.Just like you said the same old pattern emerging.The weekend was fine and then Monday again starts of the week coming home in a taxi at 8.00pm.

Was very loud playing with the children just as I was trying to settle them for bed.Of course they loved the playful daddy,but me having been up with then since 7am was longing for some peace and quiet and time on my own.I always feel so guilty wanting them to get to sleep but sometimes the noise just irrates me so much and I can't stand it any longer.More to do with DH acting like a child himself.
When I told him to calm them down I just get told to shut up and they are only having fun to which I say comes home earlier then and play with them at the proper time not before bed.

I have so many other things going round my head I am dealing with and wake up in the mornings thinking I just need to write everything down and work through them to get them sorted.As it is I just worry about everything and get nothing sorted!

We are due to go and stay for a week at his parents at the end of August and I kep telling him I am going to find it really difficult to go over there and pretend everything is ok.and why should I.But of course that's when the sparks of passion come out and I get told I am not to upset his parents or else.
It's a shame he can't get worked up with the same passion for his family!!

mY WEEKends used to be good aswell until the monday came around and then back to the pub and it would be the same week in week out.I do completely understand the feeling that you have as i felt despair and all the rest that goes with it. Do you think he will be back early on time or early enough for the children to see him. It sounds like it is a downward spiral, have you done the practical stuff at the start of the thread if not, do them so you wont be screwed if you do leave. It is very important. Talk if you need to, my internet is going to be cut off soon so might not be on much after it does so keep posting on here. Chin up, it has only been 7 weeks i have been single and i am loving it, i really am. Silver lining and all that.

jellyjelly-I understand what you are saying but I ma scared.
I want to be unselfish about this and while my children are not affected my this and I do my best to keep my emotions in check in front of them I don't want to brealk my childrens hearts by taking their daddy from them.

I know long term as they get older it will become more relavavnt as they start to understand it's just getting that point across to DH.

I have spoken to al-anon but their advice all seemed geared towards me going to group meetings and trying to understand why he does this and how to cope with it.In all honesty I felt I am passed the sympathy stage with this and I have been putting up with this for too long.
When I rang drinkline they seemed to think he was'nt an alcoholic but a binge drinker as he holds down a job does not drink in the mornings and can stop at weekends.DH is always saying as an excuse well what do you expect I am an alcoholic but I feel this is just a cop out.
He can stop at weekends so he can control it.I think he just finds the whole parenting thing stressful and it's easier for him to leave it all to me.

Your children are and will be affected as they hear thir father talking to you like you are junk which i dont think is true. I was scared at the thought of being a sigle parent which i thought about lots of times but it is hard work but good. Do you want your children to treat others when they are older like you are being treated. I also noticed that you are blaming yourself on the last bit, has he said something to you because your thought changed from before.?

I hope i havent upset you in any way. I found out that x is drinking at 10am at the weekend. Not sure how his liver is going to perform.

What time did he come in today.

Hi jellyjelly.no you have not upset me at all you have been very supportive.

Last night he was home at 7pm and had'nt had too much to drink.
Tonight I am sitting here still waiting for him to come in.He was susposed to get some shopping I needed on the way home so hopefully he has remembered.
I suspose I am in denial after having a reasonible weekend and I always get my hopes up that this will be the week it all changes.
I expect you know that thought all to well!!

You say your x has been drinking at 10am,did he used to do that when you were with him?

I can understnad where you are coming from as i used to think 'oh he will realise this week that ds and i need him' even when i broke my leg so badly that i needed 24/7 /operation/long rehabilitation ie 5 months /care i didnt get it from him for long i had to rely on my parents for it.

He used to start at 12, he think 10 is acceptable as he is up from 5am everyday so that makes it ok. All getting logged and if you think he will try to get custody you start recording it too, it will work in your favour as didnt you say or hinted that he might say you are unfit??? Not sure if this is right, can you let me know.

He sounds like he cant get out of the pattern of doing it and i couldnt change x and i doubt new girl can either. He wouldnt change for his son.I think it was take it or leave it and i took the leave it option. Ds and i are so much better off. Hell i even got a mortgage today but that will be on another thread.

take care, if you want you can cat me if you have the facility or you can leave an email address and i will contact you if you havent.

jellyjelly-Thanks so much for replying especially as you yourself are going through a lot at the moment.
Well done on your mortgage.

He still is'nt home,and can't get hold of him.
I e mailed him this morning at work as I had a terrible headache and felt really sick ,still feel awful at the moment so I was hoping he would have been home by now.Can't go to bed yet as he has not got his keys.

My dh always says well i am up at 6am everyday so i deserve some time at the end of the day.

I usd to keep a diary of dates and times when he would come home and any mental abuse he would give me but I stopped after a while as I realised i was gradually writing in it everyday and it just got to exhausting to write down if you see what i mean,it was like living through it all again.He has said before when drunk I was an unfit mother and he would do his best to get the kids from me but I don't really know if he would ever do that.

It is so sad that when like your x he was'nt prepared to change for his son,my god I can't believe anyone could choose drink etc over their own children.
Having said that whilst typing it in a way that's exactly what my DH is doing at the moment.
My bond as a mother is so strong for my children I would die for them.
Only tonight ds was asking if daddy would be late again and would he see him in the morning and i said tomorrow night he said "but that's a long time."
It's at moments like that I could kill DH as soon as he walked in the door,staggering,stinking of booze with that sarcastic,arrogant grin on his face.
Don't worry I would'nt ,but that's how he gets to me and I hate him for that.

jellyjelly-I don't have the CAT facility and I would worry if DH saw my e mails as sometimes he says he knows how long I was on the computer for from his computer at work.We do have skype is it so not sure if that's how he knows.

I often worry as he knows I use mumsnet if he could find my postings on her as he would only have to look at today's post and read through and check out the titles,it seems pretty easy to me for him to find if he wanted to.

Well change your name then but make it obvious to us.

I am glad that i am supporting you even though i have been throught the mill. Ilike helping people if i can bring a bit of comfort to someone that makes me happy.

Thanks jellyjelly-
He is still not back and my head is literally thumping so I am going to go up to bed.He will just have to hammer on the door when he finally gets back.

Thanks again jellyjelly,I don't really have anyone else to talk to so you are keeping me sane at the moment.

Let him sleep putside. We both dont/didnt deserve it but i am thinking of you everytime i come on here so keep me posted, you do have cyber friends.

Well I am back on mumsnet again.
He fianally hammered on the door at 11.45pm and I was half asleep and now can't get back to sleep.my head is thumping more than ever.

He just staggered in ,went to the loo and went up to bed.I was half hoping as he went upstairs he would fall down them.God I am turning into a nasty,bitter person.

He just told me to go away and leave him alone and I said I can't do this anymore he is hurting me and ds was asking after him tonight and I will not allow him to do this to us anymore.I was so upset I said I would kill him first,to which he replied he would kill me for what I am doing to the kids.I don't know what that is apart from putting up with him.

I told him he thinks I am trapped and I won't go for a divorce to which he said No i don't think that.
So maybe he wants me to go for a divorce,maybe that's what he is waiting for so his concience is clear.I am starting to think is there someone else he is seeeing ,I just don't know what to think anymore.

To top it all I am now really anxious about sunday as it is my birthday and would have been my dad's birthday(he died in 1997)just typing that has really upsetme and am sitting here in floods of tears like it was yesterday he died.
Dh knows I was'nt going to have a party but my niece spoke to me today and she thought it would do me good have a few family members round.Now I am anxious after dh's behaviour tonight that he will drink too much and I will break down in front of everyone.DH knew I had arranged this and let me down again tonight and my self esteem has gone right down again and am fretting about facing the family now and wish I had'nt have said I would have this party now.Maybe that's what DH wanted to spoil it for me and make me worry like this.

My ds has an appointment with the SALT on friday and we have to go as a family to see this new SALT who is talking over ds's treatment.
I need to keep it together for ds's sake and get through it,I am very emotional at the moment and my darling ds is doing so well I just want him to carry on improving.
Friday's is normally dh's night for staying out late and our appointment is at 3 so I bet once we are back he will try and think of an excuse to go back out again.Surly after going to such what wil be stressful for me and more importantly ds he would not just bugger off out again!!!!

Although why should that stop him.He got pissed at my mum's funeral,and my dad's.He took me to my brothers funeral and dropped me back home afterwards with the kids when they were babies and went off drinking.Numerous occasions when my mum was in hospital before she died I would come home to an empty house,I could go on.

Sorry I have probably gone on and on and my head is fit to burst,he has just stirred up all these memories inside that I thought I had put away to the back of my mind.

Not wanting to sound like a martyr here but I have got and am getting through so much on my own .
The death of my parents and my brother.PND,I overcame agarophobia,my son has special needs and I seem to be sorting out all the problems that have arisen with that that no other family member seems to understand,and to top it all Dh 's drink problem and jekell and hyde personality.
I must be fairly strong to not have cracked under all that,I think I may be near to it sometmes but I seem to be hanging on in there.I just look at my kids faces when they asleep and that's all I need.

Divorce sounds like a good plan. You are not making each other happy, and he's being horrible to you.

From what I know, if you are the prime carer for your kids, you won't lose them. Keeping a diary of what he does sounds wise, though, at least for a few weeks.

He is not going to change.

There's a concept I've heard, that addicts often need to hit rock bottom before they change, before they realise that their addiction is a problem. He's not at rock bottom. You leaving, with the kids, might put him there, or maybe not.

You are aaying almost all the things that i thought. x arranged another stag night on my birthday even though he was cheating. Yours sounds really selfish, i dont think there are any other words just selfish. It does sound like he wants his conscience to be clear like mine did by me calling off the wedding.

You sound like you will be best off out and really you will try and record as much of the recent stuff as you can, i understand that it would be hard but youmust try. The courts would listern to your concerns about the drink etc and hours at the pub but you will be asked to provide evidence.