Definetly from another planet!!

[Isheforreal]

My dh is always stopping of at the pub on the way home from work and comes in at varying times.7,7.30,8 sometimes midnight has been known to be so drunk,could,nt get a taxi and slept in the car waking me up at 5.10am the other saturday to let him in.He never answers his phone when I ring him up to find out how long he will be.
We have 2 children who are 5 and 3 and they have a great relationship with their dad.Me on the other hand go from thinking ok he likes a drink but he has never been unfaithful,he is a great dad,he works,he has never been physically violent.Then I have my down days when he lets me down all over again after he has promised to come home from work and have dinner with us and make an efort.I am left feeling disappointed,heartbroken for the children,used,a doormat you name it.

Tonights example he came home in a taxi at 8.30,children in bed and just annouced "oh sorry had a few beers again."
I have been up with the children since 6am and he missed seeing them before their bedtime and they are now starting to ask at dinnertime "will daddy be late again tonight."

He then looked on his e mails and had got a friend to send him a download of a song I like.Really sweet thing to do I know but I am afraid I did'nt show much appreciation due to the fact he had let me down agan.
Anyway he goes on to say shall we take the laptop upstairs and listen to the album and make love.
Bearing in mind he has had a few drinks and I am not happy at him coming home late ,first day of the week and normally means I 'll have a whole week of this again to contend with.
Then he gets annoyed and storms off upstairs because I say I am not in the mood.
What is it with men,obviously led by their manhood.I can't seem to get through to him that I am so fed up and unhappy with this drinking situation never knowing where I am from day to day.He can't see any wrong in what he does.He is acting like he is single and has no responsibilites,he is 45 for gods sake.

I am 40 this year and life begins at 40 so they say ,I don't want to settle for this life with dh for years to come and more importantly I don't want that for my children.
Have read some of the other relationship threads and am in awe at the people involved for staying strong through difficult times.
Which made me ask the qustion.

Am I overeacting ,should I be happy with my lot?

Have you considered going to Relate on your own to talk through this relationship with someone impartial. You do need urgently to talk this through properly and make a decision you are happy with with regards to your own life and that of yoru childrens'. This man is not going to change his behaviours and you will all be affected by him profoundly.

His talk to take the children away, threaten to have you sectioned are all bullying tactics designed to wear you down. His threats are empty and are without substance. Consider therefore seeking your own legal advice re your own rights re children and property if you were to eventually separate.

If he's talking to you like that within the kids' earshot, he is anything but a perfect parent.

I think you should leave. Or get him to leave.

The children are fianally asleep and dh has stormed of to the garden.

The children were playing up just before and dh just said right that's it,between you( meaning ds) and -meaning dd) and your mum I have had enough.He then went on in front of them to say I am still pissed off with you for waking me up last night don't ever do that again!!

What do you want to do? to come out of this relationship and for the children?

I don't know what to do.I do know that I am not happy and I don't want my children growing up aroung this sort of tension.

I feel trapped.
My parents died a few years back ,my in laws who I have tried to voice my concerns to don't want to know and put the phone down on me once when I was really upset and have'nt mentioned it since.My dh said then don't you ever get them involved ever again,sort your own shit out!!!
The house we live in was bought by FIL for my DS his first grandchild and dh is always telling me how ungratful I am but I tell him I can't be tied to this housse and him because of it.It's like dh is saying I have tp put up with him because of what a big favour his dad has done for us.I am gratful but I can't live like this for much longer.
DH just said I have it easy I don't work I have a lovely home .I answered so I have to put up with your behaviour because of that.He says I am boring and he does'nt want to talk to me and has just gone back into the garden.

ok what would happen to the house? i think you need to see a solicitor to talk about what can happen now. To prepare you can find out who owns the house by calling land registry in your area.Do you know if the property is in your names or his or your sons? Call gingerbread which is free phone but call early otherwise you will never get through, they were so much better than cab as most if not all are single parents. They can talk to you about housing, benefits everything they were great. Can you talk to a lone parent advisor to see job options. I found the people that help the lone parent people to be good with cv stuff that i hadnt done for years. Like you i was a sahm but have to put ds in full time nursery, get a job, try to keep the house, buy the house, find 20k, shut the business down, sell the car, sell everything, sharp learning curve re bills and budgeting as money isnt almost endless now but we are doing well. I learnt to value shop. Sign up for www.moneysaving expert.com which has loads of freebies which can be used when moeny is tight but also lots of practical stuff where money is concerned. I know of other frugal sites if anyone wants them? Can you buy more toiletries and stuff for the near future while things are joint? Do you have a savings/your own current account. If not get one without delay. Everything takes so long to sort out when/if you being single so if you think this will happen start moving now.

Let me know if you need any other practical advice.

Thanks jellyjelly it's very scary to contemplate.

The house is in trust for ds when he is older but I don't know the finer details.
I wouls expect dh would see it as me having planned this and I am sure he and FIL would probably make sure I did'nt get the house.My relationship with my FIL is not a close one and I always got the feeling they thought I was not good enough for dh.
I remember when we told them we were engaged and MIL going on that relationships with 2 people from socially diferent backgrounds don't work.ie me from a council house and dh from a wealthy background.I will just be seen as a heartless money grabbing bitch,DH has hinted as much on the past.In fact he says I should go back to my council estste and live off benefits.
Where do the children come in all this I wonder in his mind.I was seeing a therapist for about a year when I had PND and I am sure he would drag all that up again as I could'nt go out of the house for a while and he was always saying I was damaging the children.

I have just read some of my thread back and seeing it in black and white is so scary.It's like is that me I am reading about that's bloody awful.I would advise anyone else in that situation to get out but I know it is not so cut and dried as thst and my children come first.

Am at breaking point at the moment.My ds has speial needs and have had an awful week last week fighting with ds's school to do the right by him as I disagree with the decisions they are making at the moment.DH was away with work most of last week so have been dealing with the meetings at school and ringing round for advice on my own.Am fighting two battles at the moment and trying to keep it all together in front of my children but it is so hard.

Oh is she for real,this man does not deserve the kind caring person you come across as.Nobody should have to put up with verbal aggression and emotional abuse which is how it comes across he is treating you.He sounds very unpredictable.It sounds like he has a serious problem with alcohol.Have you a friend you could stay with??Look after youself,hon

wrinklytum-My niece is going away for 2 weeks soon on holiday and said me and the children could stay their.She thought the change of scenery and time to think away from home would do me good.
Mentioned it to dh and he said no way was I taking the children away from him!!
He has only just found out recently that I confide in my niece as I don't really have anyone else to talk to.He did'nt like it and said how do you expect me to face her again .
I have an older sister who is aware of parts of the situation but I don't want to burden her with this.I see her like my mum now since our mum died and she is a fab sister and I don't want her to be upset.We lost our older brother to alcohol a couple of years back and so is painful still for both of us.Discussing this with her would only bring back bad memories for her.

Im sure your sister would rather help you out if she realised how things were for you than the situation at home getting any worse.I know I would help my sibs out if they needed it.Im sure your sister cares for you very much and you wouldnt be a burden.The idea to go to your neices sounds good.Could you not say she really needed someone to house sit and it would be good for the kids to have a change of scene??For him to be so adamant that you cant do this is another example of controlling behaviour.

Got to go to bed now as little un up at 5ish (aargh) and bigger un up at 6.Look after yourself and remember you are a strong person-youre bringing up 2 small children,one with sn practically single handedly apparently,youve lost a brother and your parents and have no support from in laws!!!I certainly couldnt have done that.Dont let this guy drag you down.You are worth so much more.Hugs

Thanks wrinklytum for your kind words,they brought a lump to my throat.
Not used to hearing compliments.

Hope you are ok today isheforreal

wrinklytum-Had a nice day with the children today.My sister,niece and her children visited.
Told them a bit about what is happening and they think he is verbaly abusing me.They are both gobsmacked with his behaviour and have only seen the nice side of him.

Another e mail from him saying he would be back by 6.45.8pm he turns up in a taxi yet again and says he got involved having a few drinks.He said he did'nt like what we were having for dinner anyway and when AI said the children would like to see you earlier to play before bedtime he said they don't know what time it is so does it matter.
He told me to shut up and get lost in front of the children and that he was too tired to agrue and to not go into one.

He keeps saying this and never wants to discuss anything.
Ethier he is having an affair and just avoiding me.Or he is just drinking down the pub all these times as he says he enjoys the adult conversation and I am boring.
Or as someone suggested I have let him get away with this for so long he thinks I have to put up with it.

I don't drive,I don't have much money,My family would be limited in what they could do for me.
I just feel so alone.I f my parents were still alive I feel I would have that extra bit of support.They both died before seeing my children and that still really hurts to think that dh's parents have only visited their grandchildren a few times.

My family probably think do something about it then it has been going on so long now and I can't stand it anymore.Sometimes i think like tonight I could kill DH and I feel such hate and anger for him I normally end up hittting something amd hurting myself.

I don't know how to get through to him.Could I do a solicitors letter saying how I feel and if things don't change I want a divorce.Maybe something official like that would get through to him,I am tired of telling him I can't do this anymore.

please please please take yourself to relate and maybe get some legal advice - as someone else suggested Gingerbread or CAB

FWIW, my Mum brought us up alone without knowing how to drive, family far away etc etc what she did do tho' was to get herself a qualification in the last yr she & Dad were together, which gave her a job straightaway so she had something to focus on and money too

your children will understand why, as long as you always play straight with them and don't deny them access to their Dad

muminaquandray-I was hoping that DH would listen to me and realise that thinks can't go on as they are.I wrote him a letter a couple of weks ago and he said he had listened to everything I had said and taken it in.
Two days later back to the same old thing again.
He sees me get myself in a right old state crying and acting almost demented but nothing gets through.

Do relate do conseltations over the phone?

Hi, Isheforreal, we "talked " briefly the other night, when my dh was acting up. I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through with yours. Is there any chance at all that you could give him a taste of his own medecine by dumping him with the kids on a Saturday and taking yourself off for the whole day? You could leave early without telling him. Then he might see what it's like.

Sauerkraut-I had thoughgt of that as he has never had the children on his own for any amount of time.He said the other night you have a nice house you don't have to work and how ungratful I was.It's as if because he goes to work everyday he has the right to relax at the pub every night after a hard day.What does he think I do all day.He gets stressed with the children when they play up at bedtime.Like he came back at 8pm last night and was stressed with them by 8.15 saying is'nt it time you two were in bed.The children are probably thinking daddy's only been home a short while and we have'nt played yet how can it be bedtime.

DH seems quite happy to carry on with his behaviour as the children are not aware of time and were he is when he is late so Aa long as the children welcpome him with open arms when he gets in it does'nt really matter what I think and feel.I just get told to shut up and he just ignores me.He does'nt even bother to say sorry anymore when he is late.

How are you Sauerkraut?
Has your situation improved?

really hope you can have a break away.
When i leave dp with the children i am away for 3 nights-thats when he realises that its bloody hard work,and when i get back he says he is absolutely knackered-well,there we go then!

I would start actioning the practical stuff that i said in the post below. Benefits take ages to start doing so try to stockpile a bit of money. Anything.

I am so glad i had a little money, it isnt alot but it is mine. It sounds like you are dating my x as this rings true in so many ways, the lies about being home early, then getting dragged into the pub for one, coming back not seeing the kids. This sounds so much like x poo head.

Have you told him that you will leave, f you will if things dont change.

I dont think the letter from a solicitor will work and will cost money that you will need for other things. I think last resort. If you are not working you should be able to get legal aid.

JellyJelly-I have told him in the past I would leave but he knows it would be difficult as don't have anywhere to go.
He always says you now I love pou and the kids and we are meant to be together.

He sent an e mail this morning saying he will male it up to me tonight and he loves me and always will.I said it will take more than just making it up to me tonight and he says he knows that.He always does this and is fine for a couple of days then just goes back to his old ways again.
Need to set some time over the weekend to have a serious talk.

I cant do anything else to help but i had to start doing everything myself and every part of my life has changed i was worried but not so much now, it wil get better and i know x done me a favour.