Definetly from another planet!!

[Isheforreal]

My dh is always stopping of at the pub on the way home from work and comes in at varying times.7,7.30,8 sometimes midnight has been known to be so drunk,could,nt get a taxi and slept in the car waking me up at 5.10am the other saturday to let him in.He never answers his phone when I ring him up to find out how long he will be.
We have 2 children who are 5 and 3 and they have a great relationship with their dad.Me on the other hand go from thinking ok he likes a drink but he has never been unfaithful,he is a great dad,he works,he has never been physically violent.Then I have my down days when he lets me down all over again after he has promised to come home from work and have dinner with us and make an efort.I am left feeling disappointed,heartbroken for the children,used,a doormat you name it.

Tonights example he came home in a taxi at 8.30,children in bed and just annouced "oh sorry had a few beers again."
I have been up with the children since 6am and he missed seeing them before their bedtime and they are now starting to ask at dinnertime "will daddy be late again tonight."

He then looked on his e mails and had got a friend to send him a download of a song I like.Really sweet thing to do I know but I am afraid I did'nt show much appreciation due to the fact he had let me down agan.
Anyway he goes on to say shall we take the laptop upstairs and listen to the album and make love.
Bearing in mind he has had a few drinks and I am not happy at him coming home late ,first day of the week and normally means I 'll have a whole week of this again to contend with.
Then he gets annoyed and storms off upstairs because I say I am not in the mood.
What is it with men,obviously led by their manhood.I can't seem to get through to him that I am so fed up and unhappy with this drinking situation never knowing where I am from day to day.He can't see any wrong in what he does.He is acting like he is single and has no responsibilites,he is 45 for gods sake.

I am 40 this year and life begins at 40 so they say ,I don't want to settle for this life with dh for years to come and more importantly I don't want that for my children.
Have read some of the other relationship threads and am in awe at the people involved for staying strong through difficult times.
Which made me ask the qustion.

Am I overeacting ,should I be happy with my lot?

HappyDaddy is spot on with the observation "well he doesn't beat me up, hasn't shagged anyone else and is "great" with the kids" As if that is all we should expect and how lucky we are that we do not have to take a beating like some poor women. And how true that if it were the mother behaving like this, there would be plenty said by all and sundry, especially how unfit a mother they were and how it would be totally unreasonable behaviour. Which, of course, it is. Whether perpertrated by man or woman. I too speak from experience, especially with regards to the whole "networking" pretence. Call it what you like, but I call it neglecting your family in the selfish pursuit of whatever it is you feel like doing. It truly sucks, and I feel for you, especially in your state of low self-esteem. If somebody treats you like human wallpaper, you begin to feel like human wallpaper - just there unobtrusively in the background with no identity except to make others lives easier whilst they use you for their own ends. Hope you have more success with dialogue than I have.

prufrock - am gigling at the 'legend in own lunch time' obviously not ideal role model for his children but funny all the same.

My DH never goes for a drink after work. I consider it totally unnacceptable, and so does he. But he is most definitely a pub man. However he goes later - early evenings is time with the kids and with me and twice a week he has to look after the kids while I go to the gym. When he goes out it's always after dinner with the kids in bed or at least on the way to bed.

Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like your DH thinks he's still single and need reminding that he is not. It's all too easy to say yes to a drink after work - if he had to come home and tell you he was going out again it would be much more difficult for him. Can you suggest that he goes for a drink later rather than after work, at least a few nights a week? That might end up knocking it on the head naturally.

He's a great role model Lasvegas - now.

Seriously he is a legend - if you are who i think you are (dh private client manager?) I would think your dh knows, or at least knows of, mine. He was once introduced to a potential new Fund Manager as "mr pru, he takes clients out for lunch", whereupon the FM related a story of two colleaugues who had gone out for lunch the previous day and not got back to the office yet after drinking their way through the Vodka trolley at Firebird. "Ah yes" said a slightly embarrased dh "that would be my fault!"

Prufrock I'm not who you think I am but my DH hosts/entertains in the city, plus does a bit of broking. Still amazes me how some folk can earn good money while drunk. If I have one glass of wine at lunch I am sleepy whole afternoon.
Even so I would hate the pressure to always be sociable to clients, come up with amusing stories etc.

I feel that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. I speak from experience as after birth of no 2 my dps drinking became(to my mind) quite excessive.To cut a long story short after months of being treated like a doormat I threatened to leave him,he could either choose alcohol or me and the kids.So far he has curtailed his drinking and will now have a couple of beers at home after the kids are in bed,which I feel is acceptable,better than 6 cans he had been drinking certainly!!!!!!He is 38 btw but was behaving like a teenager.At the end of the day only your dh can decide if he wants to stop.It is obviuosly affecting your family as you are understandably feeling miserable and neglected and the children are asking after their daddy.Is this a recent escalation in alcohol consumption,any factors that could be contributing??I was deadly serious about leaving because I didnt want my children to live with a father who was seeing life through beer goggles,and putting alcohol before them.You have stated a similar sentiment.It would have been a HUGE upheaval to leave but I would have and still would do it for the sake of the children.(My dp is a lovely dad btw but was having terrible moodswings and arguements with me,which have lessened considerably since he cut down on the beer.)Additionally the empty promises he is giving you show a distinct lack of respect and consideration for you,the mother of his children,who is at home doing the hardest job in the world bringing up his children whilst he is getting legless.I know the balance of power is difficult in terms of finance (my dp is the main earner too though I do work pt) which is another factor why it took me a while to give dp an ultimatum.In the long run you and your childrens well being are what is important.I really hope you can talk and resolve this situation in some way as it is an awful place to be.Good luck and hugs.

Off on a different tangent, when I read the OP the thought went thru' my mind that obviously IHFR's dh was a young, immature father - didn't think for a minute that he would be in his 40's!

Immature fathers come in all sorts of ages, I think.

Of course, you're right, but when you're young, there is hopefully the chance that you might mature!

You're right, of course, immature parents come in all ages and both genders.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their replys.Have been busy with the children all day so have'nt had time to read through them all so will come back to the thread this evening.

DH sent an e mail saying sorry and he would be back at 5.30 tonight.Trying not to be cynical so we will see!!

Hope he comes home, the kids will be glad to see him won't they and it will make a change for you if you had them all day too.

My kids really would be lost without their Dad around bedtime, they love snuggling up with him before bed and having a story.

Well 6.30 still no sign!!

Oh so sorry Isheforreal

What a knob!!!

Gah, I get annoyed when DH is later than he says he'll be, and he's almost never in the pub, it's always more work.

I would be furious if this happened regularly because of social outings.

Have tried his mobile but as usual he is not answering it.I always say to him what about if I needed you in an emergency and he says you could always call me at the pub you now where I am!!!

Dinner nearly ready so will go ahead without him yet again.

I would leave, on one of his late nights. Pack up kids, go to someone else's house. (Have a surprise sleep over!) Leave no note. Answer no phone.

Let him see what it's like to be married to someone who doesn't tell him what's happening, and can't be reached.

(I mean, leave temporarily. Well, I would probably leave permanently, but I can't deal with serious drinking.)

Well he came in at 7pm having been to the pub.
He was obviously still sulking because last night I had accidently wokem him at 1am when I went up to bed.So I went to the spare room and he preceeded to throw abuse at me like how dare I wake him at 1am and I was pathetic he told me I was a stupid bitch.I came downstairs to get a drink and calm down and he followed me cornering me in the corner with more abuse like go and f--k yourself.I then went up to bed and he came up thinking I was in the bathroom and started hurling abuse through the door saying don't you ever do that again or you will be in big trouble.
Then he realised I was in the spare room and said he had'nt finished yet.He fianaly went to bed but 10 mins later came in and said in a sarcastic manner sleep tight.M y heart wass pounding and I just lie their thinking what have I done.

I asked him when he came in tonight why he did'nt get back for 5.30 and he said I had a couple of drinks with ---- and we were talking about the garden,this guy was getting for something for dh.He has been using this excuse a few times and I said I thought that was sorthed to which he said in an arrogant way well I would'nt start as I am still pissed off with you waking me at 1am so don't kick off.
We sat and had our dinner and I could see he was sneering at it and after dinner he made the point that he hated that pie and not to buy it again.I said you are lucky to have anything and he said you are lucky to have a fu--ing roof over your head.

He has turned this around yet again making out I am in the wrong and he says I am paronoid for asking surly you could'nt have been talking to ----again about the garden and he just said oh well we are boring!!

He talks to the kids fine and is playing in the garden with them at the moment,as soon as I say something his tone changes and makes me feel worthless.

Will come back to the thread later when I can read through properly all your advice.

Just feeling a bit numb and overwhealmed at the moment.I have'nt seen him or spoken all day to him so I could'nt have done anything wrong.

He sounds horrible.
Yuck
Get rid.

I am sitting here in tears listening to the children playing outside with DH giggling away they are adore their dad.
But I don't know how long I can go on like this.
I am at breaking point and feel like I am going mad.Or maybe that's what he is trying to do.
He said once I would never get the children if we broke up and I was a crap mother at the mother .He once threatened to get me sectioned when I was going through PND after dd was born.
Or is this my paronoia again as he would say.

Leave you dont derserve this at all. He is abusing you from what you ahev said. My x fiance would always say he was in teh pub talking about the wedding to a certain friend knowing that i wouldnt kick off and he was seeing his other woman. I am best rid and the things you have been saying are ringing true to me. Have you thought about packing a bag and leaving it at a friends house just in case? Then if you need to you can grab the kids and run.