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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help

91 replies

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 17:25

I posted the other day but things have escalated and I really need advice.

I want DP to leave - he has been emotionally abusive for a while but a few days ago he pushed me and said some horrible things. I told him he has to go - he is refusing to leave and says he will never leave without DS.

I feel so helpless. DS is 2.8 years old and I am 7 months pregnant. If it was just us, I would run away somewhere tonight. The issue is we live in the same building as my parents (who are on holiday) and P is saying he wants to 'talk' to my dad. I am so, so scared he would try and hurt my parents if I leave with DS.

So at the moment I am trying to act as normal as possible and P is being as nice as pie trying to get back in my good books. We are not in any immediate danger. But I feel sick to the stomach when I am near him and just can't believe I have messed up so many peoples' lives. He has had a horrible, stressful time lately but it's not an excuse for this.

I feel so trapped. I feel calling the police will escalate things. I just tried calling the Domestic Violence Helpline but it rang for two minutes and nobody answered. I will try again tomorrow as I won't have a chance to call again tonight.

Please can someone help me decide what to do for the best.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/01/2014 17:27

If he lays a finger on you again dial 999. Try and call DV unit again.

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 17:37

I will call 999 if I feel we are in danger. I just feel calling the police will escalate things, I just wish there was a way of getting him to leave but it doesn't seem there is.

OP posts:

TeenyW123 · 04/01/2014 17:51

Advice

Get the pushing incident logged by the police by phoning 101. You might mention his veiled threat to your DPs too. If he escalates they'll know to come pdq.

Keep trying with WA and the DV helplines too. Have a bag packed near the door or with a friend so you have the essentials, passports, emergency money etc.

When are your parents back? Will they be able to support you?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/01/2014 17:55

Do you have a key to your DPs' place? I'd be tempted to move in there while they are away and then get their support to start again when they get back.

sparklysilversequins · 04/01/2014 18:05

Calling the police will escalate things alright in a good way. My ex was violent to me and refused to leave, one day he attacked me in front of my dc which he had never done before and my five year old ds was trying to protect me . I called the police and they came and removed him that day, he never returned home and we never lived together again. The police were absolutely fantastic. It could be the same for you as well. I felt like you did too scared to call in case it made things worse but it was the best thing I ever did.

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 18:16

Thank you for all the advice. I will post properly again later after DS is in bed but I am reading and taking in everything that's been posted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 19:58

My parents will support me in any way they can but they're both nearly 70 and I just feel terrible that they have to become involved in this.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 04/01/2014 21:35

Do you think you have the luxury of time to plan and pack bags for you and your son? It sounds to me as if it's possible you don't have the option and that you need to be out tonight.

Remember to keep your activity on here private and safe. Don't stay logged in.

TheCrumpetQueen · 04/01/2014 21:37

You have not messed up anyone's lives, He has.

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 21:49

Yes, I could definitely get a bag packed for us. P is sleeping in the spare room and I have DS in with me.

We spoke earlier and he is now saying he would never do anything to hurt us but he will never leave without DS. I told him he can still see DS but he says that's not enough. I just feel so trapped - he is loving and kind at times but he's so unpredictable with his moods. The thought of raising two children in such a miserable atmosphere is just horrible.

I will try calling the DV helpline again tomorrow if I get the opportunity to.

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/01/2014 21:55

Could you leave to your parents' place, so that you can be with them if he escalates his threatening behaviour?

You should start reporting his threats and his pushing you, so that you are already flagged up with the police if needs be.

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 21:58

You know that if it came to it you could get an injunction protecting both you and your parents?

That can only be done if you contact the police though - there needs to be logs of your concerns...

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 21:59

Yes I could do that, they're away for another 10 days but I could go and stay there in the meantime. He'll definitely know where we are but he doesn't have the keys.

Stupid question but how do I log things with the police? Just walk in to a police station and ask to speak to someone?

OP posts:

jayho · 04/01/2014 22:02

call 101 tell them what has happened and they will advise you.

Lweji · 04/01/2014 22:05

Also, make sure sure you keep a charged phone with you at all times.

jayho · 04/01/2014 22:06

the police won't make you do anything you don't want to but they will want to make sure you and your child are safe.

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 04/01/2014 22:30

Ok thank you, I will contact them. I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. And I can't imagine the stress this is having on the baby.

OP posts:

lanbro · 05/01/2014 08:52

Please be brave, from experience things will only get worse once the new baby arrives and even more of your time is taken up with the kids

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 09:22

Good luck contacting 101. His behaviour is very concerning for a lot of reasons and you really do need proper back-up rather than trying to tackle him solo. BTW your parents may be in their sixties but you don't have to shield them from the reality of this. They will want to help you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/01/2014 09:28

If the house is in your or your parents name and you aren't married, get the locks changed whilst he is out and tell him it's over, when he kicks off call the police and get an injunction taken out.

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 05/01/2014 16:52

Thank you again. Today he is saying if I call the police, he'll come back for me and then he won't care if he gets sent to prison. He's saying DS is his life and he will never, ever leave him with me. I'm so scared again. Waiting for him to go to work and then will call the police/DV helpline as I haven't had a chance yet.

The house is one big building owned completely by my parents so no problem with changing the locks. But I've even reading the women's aid 'survivors handbook' and it says that in some cases, getting an injunction can actually escalate things. I fear that could be the case here and we will be living a life of fear for the rest of our lives.

I just don't know if I can go through with all this.

OP posts:

OhGoveUckYourself · 05/01/2014 17:06

You are already living a life of fear and will continue to do so if you stay with this man. At least if you call the police then you have the chance to change things for the better. Doing nothing changes nothing.
Call the police and tell them about his assault on you, his threats towards you and your parents and try and protect yourself and your family. So sorry that you are in this awful situation but help is out there is you can just gather your courage and report him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 17:14

If he is making threats that specific , the police will definitely want to know. By doing so you are escalating things but in an intelligent, controlled way and with the full support of the law. Men like your STBX want you to be terrorised into submission. The law will have him for breakfast. Keep calling that 101 number.

OhGoveUckYourself · 05/01/2014 17:18

Just to put things in perspective- it is a criminal offence to push someone (common assault) and to make threats either to kill, harm or harass someone -so yes, the police will take it seriously.

Original poster

Adviceneeded1234 · 05/01/2014 18:12

He's gone out now. I will try making some phone calls once DS is in bed.

OP posts:

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