Please help

[Adviceneeded1234]

I posted the other day but things have escalated and I really need advice.

I want DP to leave - he has been emotionally abusive for a while but a few days ago he pushed me and said some horrible things. I told him he has to go - he is refusing to leave and says he will never leave without DS.

I feel so helpless. DS is 2.8 years old and I am 7 months pregnant. If it was just us, I would run away somewhere tonight. The issue is we live in the same building as my parents (who are on holiday) and P is saying he wants to 'talk' to my dad. I am so, so scared he would try and hurt my parents if I leave with DS.

So at the moment I am trying to act as normal as possible and P is being as nice as pie trying to get back in my good books. We are not in any immediate danger. But I feel sick to the stomach when I am near him and just can't believe I have messed up so many peoples' lives. He has had a horrible, stressful time lately but it's not an excuse for this.

I feel so trapped. I feel calling the police will escalate things. I just tried calling the Domestic Violence Helpline but it rang for two minutes and nobody answered. I will try again tomorrow as I won't have a chance to call again tonight.

Please can someone help me decide what to do for the best.

Are you OK OP?

Thanks for replying. I think I'll be ok, in that this is the right decision, but I'm really struggling to stay strong at the moment. I'm trying to hold it together until DS goes to bed.

I think you're doing the right thing OP, just because it's painful in the short term, doesn't mean it's wrong for the long term.

Hang on in there OP. You are doing the right things for yourself and for your DS. You are so eloquently expressing how alien it all feels. When you want to make the picture in your head of a happy family unit be real it's quite understandable when the alternative feels so other worldly.

This will be a new chapter, and a happier one, when he leaves. However strange it feels you can do it. There are plenty of knowledgeable and supportive people here ready to be with you.

What about RL? Is there anyone you can call to be with you once he leaves. How long until your parents return?

My best friend is coming to spend the afternoon with me and DS tomorrow. She's the only person I've told about all this and even she doesn't know the full extent. I think it will be good to finally speak to someone face to face about it all.

My parents are back on Monday. They'll be so shocked by all this - they think DP is lovely, and he IS, a lot of the time. I'm really struggling to get my head around that - how can someone be so loving and kind, and yet so awful at the same time?

I'm worried about the future, about having to co-parent with him and the threat of abduction always in the forefront of my mind. I think I need to get some legal advice asap.

Thanks again for the reply, it really is comforting to know that people are out there.

Xx you can get a bank to look after your passports, free and only you can get them

Thank you, I didn't know that and it's definitely something I'll do

Make sure you tell your friend as much as you feel able to. If your parents are going to find it difficult to believe then you may need someone in RL who can remind you of the things he has done. I know people here are pretty good about reminding you of things you have chosen to share with us. Will you get a chance to talk with your friend without DS being in earshot?

It's a nice day so I think we'll go to the park, that way DS can play while we talk. I think my parents will believe me, it will just be hard for me to tell them everything. I'll try and be as honest as possible with my friend today.

He's only been gone 4 hours and I'm really struggling to feel positive.

have a lovely walk x

How did your day with your friend go OP?

It was lovely to have some company and she was very sympathetic. I just don't think she really understood the seriousness of it all - it was hard to talk as DS wanted to play with her all the time and I didn't want to get upset in front of him.

I'm alone again now (DS sleeping) and finding it quite hard, not sure if I'll sleep much tonight. I'm feeling very conflicted, I'm not sure if I've made too much of a drama of everything? At the same time I know the way P has been behaving is wrong.

Thanks again for posting, it's much appreciated.

You're doing the right thing. Don't have him back. Get legal advice on custody, get his crimes (they are crimes) on record to help your case with that. He's not the guy you want to be with when life gets tough - you can be sure he'll get worse. If you leave, it'll be very hard, but you'll get your choices back. I know it's hard to be sure, but by the only way you absolutely will be is if he really hurts you and you can't wait for that.

I grew up with a father like that - all nice one minute and horrific the next, he was a control freak and had God delusions. It got progressively worse as various life challenges came along. In the end, my mother is an alcoholic who's emotionally dependent on him and neither me nor my brother speak to them. I wish my mother had left when it started, she could have re-built her life. She was a lovely person and he's ruined her.

Maybe I'm wrong and people do have experience of men having a phase of this and stopping. I'd love to know if they have but I doubt it. DH knows if he lays a finger on me even once, I'm gone.

I meant to say, I'm really sorry you're having such a bad time. Good luck.

Hi 1234. I've only just read your thread. Well done for sticking to your guns and not asking him to stay. You have just done the single most important thing you could do for both your children.

I am no expert but it would certainly sound like that your p is playing the abusive game to a tee. From an outside point of view, he emotionally abuses you, threatens you, makes veiled threats about your parents, gives you real cause to fear that he will take the children. All while you are heavily pregnant and hence more vulnerable. When everybody thinks that he is a good guy.

If you ever let him back, this abuse will continue. And it will get worse.

You now need to take a deep breath and let it all out. Then tomorrow, start planning. Write a list of what you need to do to focus on being safe for all of you.

Talk to police. You really must log the pushing incident and his threatening behaviour.

Locksmith, gather bank details, passports to a trusted friend. Or rent a v small storage locker to hide all passports, birth certificates etc.

You will be fine. Yes there will be tough days but by goodness, you may well have just got yourself out of a very dangerous situation. Keep strong.

I worry too that he will only get worse, it's just the thought of being a single mum to a toddler and a newborn terrifies me. I don't know how I'll survive. I'm lucky in that I have a supportive family and friends but at the end of the day it will be me on my own. I know that's not a good enough reason to stay with P though.

The toddler and newborn will be really hard on your own. For a few years. And you're strong enough to do it, just be tackling this early before p isolates you from your family and does any more damage to your self esteem.

If you stay with him, it will most likely be far worse for far longer. It's understandable to worry that you're not making the right decision, but really, what are the odds either way? My bet's on you making it as a single mum being far more likely than him reforming himself. A decent partner wouldn't be (having to) leave his 7-month pregnant partner alone, just for a start.

Realistically OP, you're already on your own. I can't see that your P is anything other than another thing to protect your soon to be two DCs from. With him not in their home it is easier to keep them safe from seeing the worst excesses of their father.

It will be hard, but you say that you do have good support from family and friends and they will help. It will be less hard if the people around you are willing to be a positive part of your life and not the negative and abusive influence be your P is.

It is hard to let him go but it would be harder on everyone to let him back into your lives. You cannot be a sponge for his unacceptable behaviour which stops the children having to experience it too. He can't be the man you want and deserve. It is better that you stick to your resolve and start the brave new world that will make a better future for you all.

Stay strong OP. read your original post if you feel weak. You are making progress. This is domestic violence. You will recover from it gradually if you get out. You will see it all for what it is. Now it's hard to see clearly.

A toddler and a new baby will be a challenge but you have your parents pretty close for support and that's a good thing. Without the shadow of your ex hanging over you, making life harder than it needs to be, you'll probably find you are stronger and more resourceful than you give yourself credit for.

It's true that I have felt like a single parent for much of this pregnancy, I've been doing a lot of it on my own. I just can't imagine how much harder that will be with two - DS took a long time to sleep through and even now will often wake up in the middle of the night and want to climb in with me. How will I manage the nights on my own? I might try posting in lone parents to see if anyone can advise me on the practicalities of it all.

When my parents are back next week I'll leave DS with them and get to the police station to log everything. For some reason it seems easier to talk to someone face to face than over the telephone.

I do hope you get to the police to log it all, OP. Even if nothing else happens, you may need evidence further down the line.

Re managing on your own - does he help much with the dc now? Do you think he'll be of any help with nights/feeds/nappies even is he is there? Nights are tough, even with 2 of you - but anyway, only you can BF, and you have your family there who will help in the day. Don't make it an excuse to stay with him - it will be harder next time to get out.

I know I really should tell the p

Sorry, on phone and posted too soon.

I really do need to tell the police everything that's happened. I know I do.

He has been messaging me all afternoon, saying how sorry he is, he's not a violent person, it will never happen again etc. He's agreed he needs help and say he'll go and talk to the doctor as soon as he comes back. I haven't said he can come back. I haven't said anything at all. But I'm struggling again to keep my resolve.

Read your first post again. Why do you want this abusive man who threatens you in terms of your parents and child in your life? Why do you want him when he scares you and makes you feel trapped?