Please help

[Adviceneeded1234]

I posted the other day but things have escalated and I really need advice.

I want DP to leave - he has been emotionally abusive for a while but a few days ago he pushed me and said some horrible things. I told him he has to go - he is refusing to leave and says he will never leave without DS.

I feel so helpless. DS is 2.8 years old and I am 7 months pregnant. If it was just us, I would run away somewhere tonight. The issue is we live in the same building as my parents (who are on holiday) and P is saying he wants to 'talk' to my dad. I am so, so scared he would try and hurt my parents if I leave with DS.

So at the moment I am trying to act as normal as possible and P is being as nice as pie trying to get back in my good books. We are not in any immediate danger. But I feel sick to the stomach when I am near him and just can't believe I have messed up so many peoples' lives. He has had a horrible, stressful time lately but it's not an excuse for this.

I feel so trapped. I feel calling the police will escalate things. I just tried calling the Domestic Violence Helpline but it rang for two minutes and nobody answered. I will try again tomorrow as I won't have a chance to call again tonight.

Please can someone help me decide what to do for the best.

Good luck OP, you're doing the right thing to ensure that you and your DC are safe x

I can't get through to the DV helpline, it's constantly ringing out. Is there anywhere else I can call apart from the p

Sorry posted too soon. Apart from the police? I still feel too scared to call them yet. I just want to talk through my options.

call 101, you'll get a call handler first, they'll talk you through your options. Try not to be frightened, just because you call them doesn't mean you have a car with lights at your door and he will not know but you will get reassurance and you'll have started to protect yourself.

Could you call Women's Aid or your local refuge? I know my local refuge has someone available on their mobile all the time.

If not, please call the police. You aren't safe.

I think the DV helpline is part of Womens Aid? I'm just so exhausted by it all, I'm in bed now with DS but tomorrow I'll take him to Toddler Group at our local children's centre and ask to speak to one of the staff there. Hopefully they should be able to advise.

I know it seems as if I'm procrastinating but I just feel that if I take DS away now and involve the police, P will be waiting here for my parents when they get back from holiday and the thought terrifies me. I am wondering if it's not safer to 'play nice' until they are back and then tell them what's been happening and then get the police involved?

I totally understand the feeling of exhaustion, go at your own speed, but be careful, he knows you want out, take care x

Surely the police could remove him for you, so he wouldnt be waiting there for your parents? Its their house, if hes threatening you, he has no right to be there.

If you would feel happier with your parents there to back you up - and if you know for sure they would back you up rather than trying to persuade you out of acting - then that sounds like a good plan. But do keep trying Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and the 101 number in the meantime. You're not asking for blue flashing lights, just information

P being much calmer today and I'm starting to lose my resolve. How will I cope as a single mother to a toddler and a newborn? I'm only 30, degree-educated and used to have a good job...not saying that to be boastful but just can't believe how my life has turned out. Most of my friends don't even have children yet.

I still know getting him to leave is the best option,
I don't want my children growing up in this atmosphere. I've got the local Community Support phone number and apparently they have dedicated officers who are trained in DV issues. I know I should call them. But the whole thing is just so scary and I can't believe how much I've messed up.

You will cope magnificently. Because you won't be afraid of the person who is supposed to love and care for you. You got a degree, so you're smart. You didn't mess up. He did. Believe in yourself

You haven't messed up. He has. Remember that, always.
You are your children's protector.

Thank you again for the kind words. I just feel so stuck, I'm permanently tearful and can't seem to decide what to do for the best. Nobody answers the DV helpline, I've just tried again. And still feeling too scared to call the police although I know I should.

Please call the police, at first the 101 line.... They really can help you, but not if they don't know you need help. I remember that paralyzed feeling myself, in very similar circumstances, but it is just a feeling. Feelings come and go. And you can act despite your feelings; please try! Do it for your parents and Dcs, if not for yourself. You are so worried about your parents, especially; so call 101 and get solid advice how to handle the situation before they come back. Please.

P is now saying that he would never do anything hurt anyone; it was just words. I know I sound pathetic, but he is being so nice now and it just makes me feel like it would be stupid to act and make everything scary again. But at the same time I can't forgot what he said and I probably never will be able to. He's offering to leave for a while (he is from another European country so he will go and visit his family) and go for counselling. But it's not enough is it?

It might be a start; just to get him out of the house for a while. You need space to think without having to deal with him every day. Try it, you'll like it! But please use the time to actually get in touch with WA, CAB, police 101, etc. and really find out where you stand, and what help might be out there. The scariest thing is thinking you're all alone and helpless: You are not!

Thank you, and that's it exactly - the feeling of being all alone in this. If he goes I should be able to feel like I can breathe again. And have time to actually make some calls. He's saying he'll go on Saturday.

Fingers crossed he really goes.

I know. I go from being desperate for him to leave to feeling so scared of what I'll do when he's gone.

I'm worried about what he'll do before he goes.

I feel like I'm in a permanent state of panic even though P is not doing anything 'bad'. I don't think he will do anything before he goes, he seems quite happy to go as he's treating it as some kind of holiday. But I just feel sick to the stomach. Pregnancy hormones seem to make me anxious anyway but this is something else. I don't get time to think during the day as I'm with DS, by the time he goes to bed I'm broken. P is saying he can't believe I'm giving up on our family because of this. He thinks because he hasn't physically hurt me, we can work through this. He'll have counselling and stop drinking alcohol etc. I don't know what to think at the moment.

Particularly watch out that he doesn't take DC. Hide the passport and go away if you can.

I've hidden DS's passport. I don't think he would try and take him now but it's the future that's scaring me. Am I going to have spend the next 18 years protecting my DC from being abducted by their father? If I contact the police will they be able to support me in keeping them safe? Otherwise it just seems safer to stay with P, at least that way I know he won't take them away.

DP has finally agreed to leave, has his flight booked for early tomorrow morning and has gone out now. So I'm not sure I will see him before he leaves. He has had some horrific stuff over the last few days and continues to show little remorse, he's still blaming me for all our problems.

So why do I feel like calling him up and begging him not to leave? I just want to hug him and cry and be a proper family. I don't think I can do it on my own.

Best friend is coming round tomorrow but I'm really struggling today. Just waiting to put DS to bed so I can cry.