Please help

[Adviceneeded1234]

I posted the other day but things have escalated and I really need advice.

I want DP to leave - he has been emotionally abusive for a while but a few days ago he pushed me and said some horrible things. I told him he has to go - he is refusing to leave and says he will never leave without DS.

I feel so helpless. DS is 2.8 years old and I am 7 months pregnant. If it was just us, I would run away somewhere tonight. The issue is we live in the same building as my parents (who are on holiday) and P is saying he wants to 'talk' to my dad. I am so, so scared he would try and hurt my parents if I leave with DS.

So at the moment I am trying to act as normal as possible and P is being as nice as pie trying to get back in my good books. We are not in any immediate danger. But I feel sick to the stomach when I am near him and just can't believe I have messed up so many peoples' lives. He has had a horrible, stressful time lately but it's not an excuse for this.

I feel so trapped. I feel calling the police will escalate things. I just tried calling the Domestic Violence Helpline but it rang for two minutes and nobody answered. I will try again tomorrow as I won't have a chance to call again tonight.

Please can someone help me decide what to do for the best.

We'll done for not saying anything at all. And well done for making a plan to talk with the police. When are you expecting your parents home?

Stay firm and don't communicate or respond to the texts. He might get you thinking he understands what he did but really he just can't believe that you have got to the point where the only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child(ren). Read what you've told us about what happened and make some more private notes so things don't slip your mind when you talk with the police.

Hold firm, you can do it and we are here with you.

Parents are expected home tomorrow evening...

It's just so so hard. I feel like I'm giving up on our family too easily. I know it's his fault, not mine, but what if he really does want to change? DS won't have a dad anymore and my second son won't even know him at all. Not to mention how horrible I imagine my life will be in the immediate future.

He wants to speak on the phone this evening. I think I will try calling the DV helpline again, see if I can get through to someone, and talk things through.

OP, ^but what if he really does want to change?"

You've not done or planned anything which will prevent him from changing. There's no reason why he can't go and seek help, choose to behave in a way which changes his abusive behaviour and to slowly win back your trust through time and effort and absolutely no pressure on you.

I suspect it's easier to send you a few texts with empty promises though.

You havent given up on your family - He broke it. It's not your fault, it's his.
you say in your OP that 'you've messed up so many people lives ' - you haven't , he has . If your dses have no dad (living with them) whose fault is that? he doesn't deserve to live with them, teaching them to hit/push woman, shout and intimidate them. He can still be a dad, just not living with you

He is all talk at the mo, but you can guarantee if he gets his feet back under that table, he will not change. You are scared of him, OP. Next time, he will know how far to go, before you react (and with a tiny baby) and that is what he'll do - go that far, then back off and be all accommodating. Then do it again and again - because he'll know how long your tether is.

Just listened to some recordings I made on my phone last week of him shouting and moaning at me. He sounds so vile and horrible and they are making me feel stronger again. But I just can't imagine a way of ever feeling safe unless me, my children and my parents are all out of this house. Whereas staying would mean that everyone would be safe. Although I know that we wouldn't really be safe would we, he could kick off again at any time.

So sorry for all the rambling, I am really just thinking out loud and so grateful for the sounding board. I've tried calling women's aid again just now but can never get through to anyone.

Sorry OP you are going through it right now. Do you think your P is talking to his parents about you? You said he is from another European country? Is it very much different from England in terms of bringing up children? Is his country Christian? Sorry, it may be too many questions but it may be useul knowing how things are in his country when it comes to divorce etc.

I think he has told his parents some of what's happening, although probably not how serious it is. He is from Italy, from a lovely, loving family. I often feel that things do get lost in translation between us, as his family are much more 'shouty' than mine and quite fiery. He has often said that I overreact to the things he says and I wonder if that's because they sound so much worse in English?

Oh, I guess he will have to talk to mama :)
You know my DH can say things which he doesn't mean but they hurt. We do get through it but sometimes I think why are you being such an arse. If I wrote here on MN about him I would have been advised to leave him. This particularly can happen in the moments of high stress which is not an excuse of course.
However, I think you both need to sit down and talk through everything and see how much he is willing to change to save the family.
Do you love him? I love my DH but when he is not nice to me then I forget all the nice thing between us. I see that he has taken it after his DF but he is much better than he used to be a few years ago. He has changed for better.
Your DH is Italian. They are very talkative and may be more emotional. In some cultures they curse and they say this and that and do not take close to heart because it is their temperament. I hope when he returns home he will apologise for making you feel unsafe in his presence. Be careful when you talk about separation.

Mrsdiamant - it sounds like you might be minimising the problem, or excusing it as being 'italian' way. The ops DH has pushed her, shouted and intimidated her - this is not the 'italian' way. Yes loud voices and fiery, but not violence. Women are usually more 'revered', eps mothers. Name-calling and insults, even in an argument, are not acceptable. Apologies are one thing, but if they happen regularly, nothing changes (except maybe escalates!)

No he is doing this because he is a shit, not because he's italian.

OP - you can't be safer living on top of a volcano, hoping to quench the explosion. You are better getting miles away from it!

He doesn't even seem that apologetic to be honest. We spoke last night (not actually spoke because DS was in bed with me and I was too tired to move, but had a chat over messenger) and he said he was sorry and wants to change, but still seemed to be making a lot of excuses.

I'm just so tired, I feel like having him back just so I can have a break. Which is pathetic I know. Parents are back late this evening so I won't see them until tomorrow, I'm trying to work out what to say to them and dreading it.

I hope your parents are supportive, op. What ever you decide, if it's their house then they will have to be on board with it. If he tries to intimidate them (after the veiled threats towards your dad) then you all have an answer.

Not even apologetic? Doesn't get it, does he? How and what does he intend to change?

OP, and he said he was sorry and wants to change

There is absolutely nothing stopping him from being (not "saying") sorry and showing you with his actions. There's nothing to stop him from actually changing (not wanting to change).

Yeah he really doesn't get it. He's still so angry at me, he thinks I've given up on the family too easily and is blaming everything on me.

I'm not sure what the next step is, he's still got all his stuff here so I guess he'll have to come back at some point. I really, really wanted him to 'get it' and make an effort to get things back on track, but looks like that's not going to happen.

I keep seeing threads about how difficult it is with a toddler and a newborn and I'm terrified. I imagine I will be at huge risk of suffering from PND. I loved the newborn stage with DS and P was so great then. Even though I breastfed so did most of the night time stuff, he changed nappies, cooked and took DS out whenever he could so I could nap.

you've given up on 'the family'? So in fact he jsut thinks you should STFU? For the sake of the 'family' that he has no problem abusing? How about telling him that he's broken the family - if he hadn't broken it, you wouldn't have 'given up' on it.

And honestly OP you will be fine. Hopefully your parents will help with nappies and cooking etc - and dp will still be around (presumably) to take dc1 out.

I think you are protecting your family, not giving up on it.

I wouldn't want the idea of him having to come back hanging over me. Is there a third party who can either collect his stuff from the front door or a friend who can take it to him? Whereabouts in the country are you?

He's so arrogant I don't think he will want to stick around to be a dad if he doesn't get to live with us full-time. He has no ties here apart from us, he actually has better job prospects in Italy or Spain so I think he will leave for one of those countries. We're in London and he's always moaning about how much he hates it here - the cost of living, weather, etc. I just worry about things before he actually leaves and I'm thinking of sending his stuff directly to Italy. I'll look into it tonight.