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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So who wants to lay bets on whether or not I survive leaving?

96 replies

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 09:32

So PA Narc just threw a fit after I stayed with DC at DGPs last night. He knew this was happening but today changed the story of how it actually played out.

He's out of smokes and completely hostile.

The other times I've seen him like this I've been physically attacked.

I have left the house but have to go back as DCs there. He would not touch them. He picked up a rock and ran at the car aiming as I left.

I am quite terrified of going back. But I will. Am hoping it dies down so I can stick to my original plan of leaving in a couple of weeks.

Am going away for two weeks with DCs and DGPs end of jan and don't want their house unattended with him psychotic cos he will have nothing once I leave, no family, friends, money but does have a diag of depression.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 01/01/2014 09:34

Sorry why are you going back (other than to grab DCs and leg it, preferably with the police)?
I don't want to lay bets - I want you to get all support set up so that it's almost certain! Police if he has been threatening, and throwing rocks is violence.

Slainte · 01/01/2014 09:37

Please get the police to accompany you back to the house to collect the DC asap.

mousmous · 01/01/2014 09:38

no betting here.
call the police. say that he has been violent to you before (have you reported it before?).

RandomMess · 01/01/2014 09:38

Hmmm I'd ring the domestic violence unit and say you need to go back to the house and you suspect he will be violent again. They may be available to go with you or just dial 999 and get him removed from the house if he is violent towards you and then the job is done???

StealthPolarBear · 01/01/2014 09:39

I'm sure at one point you were sure he'd never be violent to you

Devora · 01/01/2014 09:39

Please take care of your own safety.

Lweji · 01/01/2014 09:40

Call WA now and the dv section of your local police.
He hurled a rock at you as you were leaving?
Get their advice and at least it might get you flagged up at the police for immediate response.

Move plan to leave forward even if you have to camp it out.

The important thing is that you and the children stay safe.

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 09:41

I don't think the police will let me take DC, they will leave them in their home. H is a seasoned liar and super smooth I have seen him do this with young male police once before then I will be in for it much worse.

I will get the children out.

OP posts:

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 09:44

Thanks, but me and the children will never be safe once I actually leave. I am not the dramatic type but I have experienced this from him before.

What a complete fuck up I am for falling for his shit a second time. I don't deserve my DCs. I will actively be ruining their perception of a happy life by leaving.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2014 09:45

Go back inside the house, phone the police to report the violence to them. If he starts to kick off again they will remove him from the house.

Speak to the DV unit, they may have grounds to get him to leave the house based on the incidence of throwing a rock at you.

Are you the primary carer?

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 09:47

I went to the police station yesterday and they said they only deal with incidents that have occurred. Thanks.
DV unit gave me all the info on VRO but I was assured that I am much more likely to get one after something has happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 09:48

He ran and aimed but didn't release.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2014 09:50

So what is your plan to get the dc out?

Can you speak to WA and get a place there for all of you?

KouignAmann · 01/01/2014 09:50

Take some cigarettes back with you for him if that helps.

And don't discount getting the police involved. Just because he is smooth and smarmy doesn't make him immune from the law. You have been persuaded your human rights are less than his.

I recognise your name. Come over to the EA Support thread and share the New Year Resolve!

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 09:51

I really don't want my DC leaving the house with the police in tow IYSWIM. Things going to be so bloody hard leaving quietly let alone like that.

They absolutely think the sun shines from his arse.

DS said only this morning ' so if dad got a job and quit smoking our family would be complete(huge sunny grin)'

I could just about kill myself.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2014 09:52

Okay so having a dead/battered mother is a better thing for them to witness?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 09:54

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247, explain the situation and take their advice urgently. You need to get back to the house for your DC, you need to stay safe and there are ways of doing that, even if they don't involve the police. You have a fight on your hands by the sound of it, the police are aware (which is a good thing even if you're not getting much tangible help at the moment), and you now need full back-up from aid agencies, legal and others in order to get yourself and your DCs away permanently

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 09:55

Your DCs don't think the sun shines etc. Whatever they say and however they act they are scared of him and trying to stay on his good side. Bear that in mind.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/01/2014 09:56

Op . Did you seriously take your sons words to mean that the sun shines out of his dads eyes? I would rather read into it that your son can see that your family is all wrong and the reason is his dad.

Lweji · 01/01/2014 09:56

Actually, what your DS is saying is that that he knows his dad should get a job and quit smoking. And that the family is not complete because of him.

He should be dying inside.

Anyway, keep your mobile phone with you, discretely, at all times and ring 999 if you need to. And teach one of your DCs to do it, if they are old enough.

You can disappear so that he doesn't know where any of you are. Do talk with WA.
And you can get an injunction.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 01/01/2014 10:01

You say you won't be safe if you leave. That's as may be but you'll be much less safe if you stay.

As someone who grew up in a home with domestic violence most days, I know that I desperately wanted my mum to leave with me. She said we would and she tried, but couldn't cope.

If you leave this situation, I think ultimately your children will see it as heroic. It's a hard thing to do but, trust me, your kids won't be happy with all this going on.

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 10:04

I know random I'm thinking. My DSis suggested take him smokes apologise a GTFO tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 10:05

Ps thankyou. All. So much.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2014 10:09

I may be getting you confused with another poster. Are all the dc his? Was the house yours before he came along?

The dc are more aware of the reality than you think.

TAking smokes and a huge grovelling apology to get back into the house and keep the peace until you can leave with the dc? Go to the g-ps for the day but really go to a refuge?

Has he hit you in the past that you could report him for and they could arrest him for assault to get him out of the house and then change the locks?

Big hugs.

Original poster

stripeylion3 · 01/01/2014 10:09

Lweji, thanks, I have my phone but the fkn battery doesn't want to last more than ten mins at a time. Hv charger but I'm sure he won't let me take the car, I can't make it all fit.

I can't risk leaving without the DC as his plan is to keep them with him.

OP posts:

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