So who wants to lay bets on whether or not I survive leaving?

[stripeylion3]

So PA Narc just threw a fit after I stayed with DC at DGPs last night. He knew this was happening but today changed the story of how it actually played out.

He's out of smokes and completely hostile.

The other times I've seen him like this I've been physically attacked.

I have left the house but have to go back as DCs there. He would not touch them. He picked up a rock and ran at the car aiming as I left.

I am quite terrified of going back. But I will. Am hoping it dies down so I can stick to my original plan of leaving in a couple of weeks.

Am going away for two weeks with DCs and DGPs end of jan and don't want their house unattended with him psychotic cos he will have nothing once I leave, no family, friends, money but does have a diag of depression.

Yes he does sound deranged. Again this is another 'lull him into a false sense of security and then get the batshit hell out of there' situation.

This guy is a master manipulator, he knows what to do and what not to do, he would never be caught out, especially by the police.

He is fifty three and totally dependent on me.

I should just STFU. I made my bed.

There is so much that is sad about your last post, Stripey.

Firstly, he's just a bloke. Narcissistic cunt he may be but even they can get caught by forensic evidence. It is as if he has got you to believe his myth that he is beyond the law because of his masterfulness. But in the same breath you say he is totally dependent on you.

As for shutting the fuck up - no. Leave. You owe it to your kids if nothing else. They are growing up thinking this situation is normal.

Erm no. You shouldnt just stfu.
You should get your dc and leave.

I dont understand one thing. In one post you say he wouldnt harm the dc. Then you say you fear flr your dc lives?

My dc - i thought my oldest son especially would turn against me for leaving. Even though it wasnt his dad. Although he was upset, he completely understood and felt the benefits of ex leaving instantly.
As much as you think the dc arent aware of it - they are. More than you think.

Where you are...is emotional abuse not classed as anything? As that can actually be more damaging than physical abuse. Which would go down in court as supervised contact only.

Dont give up, get help fron every angle possible and get out asap.

I am so sorry you and your dc are having to go through this.

He can be caught out. Particularly if he is that deranged by anger, he will probably stop being as careful as he has previously been.

It happened with my ex.

Before I left him there was no evidence, after he attacked me in public and made very serious threats via text and email to me and my family.

And certainly you shouldn't lay on the bed he made for you.

You deserve yo be safe. You did not set out to be in this situation, you have not made him this way. It sounds like an awful situation.

Lois, thankyou, yes he is just a bloke. But he is an old, unemployed, depressed bloke with a nasty streak a mile wide.

Once this (once strong and fiercely independent) obedient rent payer, child cater, cook and money finder finally gets the courage to leave he will stop at nothing to pay me back.

He knows that the children are my whole existence and since he was completely fucked over as a child by his parents and has developed no empathy for others it will be 'do what it takes'.

Twice in the past I have had to get recovery orders for my DD when I left for a year when she was 1 yo. I was duped into returning by the fantasy of a whole family :(

Please don't STFU. Keep hashing things out here if it helps. You don't deserve this.

No stripey, u didnt make your bed. I hate that analogy. I used to say it to myself too but it wasnt a good one. If your sheets are dirty you change them. If ur hot u throw off a cover.

I have been thru this so not typing it lightly. U have to put yourself in to survival mode. Get the kids out and u will piece the rest together later.

[Brew]

Whatever happens after you leave (after, not if), nothing can be worse than staying. Your children will believe this is a normal situation and grow up to replicate it, or something like it.

It can get really bad after you leave, but only for some time.

You just have to be strong for a period. Even he can't keep up being angry and on vindictive mode all his life. After a while he'll settle, give up or find a new victim.
You simply cannot give up. Take safety measures, teach your children some basic steps as well, but hang in there until he gives up, not the other way around. You must be stronger than him for your sake and your children.

To go back to your original question, you will survive leaving.

If there's crumbs in your bed you get up and shake out the covers.

And if there's a big shit in your bed, you get a new bed...

Stripey, i felt like that too but my x ran out of steam quicker than i thought he would.
Yes, i felt the full beam of his intense hatred directed at me for 18 months to two years. But i was safe by then.
And to my amazement, his hatred for me seemwd to go off the boil after 18 months.

But yes. What people dont get is that once u leave these abusive nutters, you are their enemy. It's glovws off. Any pretence of being a team is totally gone.
Get to safety and let him get on with hhating u and plotting your downfall! As he will. No way round that. He is never giing to give u his blessing to have left. So, start the unevitable process necessary to gain freedom and get away from him.

I was lucky in that when I left, ex basically had to go back to his parents in another country. He couldn't support himself here easily, and wouldn't get much better than a room in a shared house. He hated being around other people, so that was not an option for him.

Anyway, when he came here we were basically under siege, and he threatened knocking the door down once. His emails were vicious, as I said.
I just kept reporting him to the police. After about a year it subsided and he now can be civil over email, and on his last visit (2 years after I left) there were no threats, harassment or violence.

In any case, even him couldn't have kept it up more than a few months if he was here.

When you leave, you will have to keep contact to indirect and written forms. Text and email only. Or always with witnesses around.

If you can, make friends related to law enforcement. I have a friend in the police who witnessed some of ex's behaviour. He also gave me good tips as to how to deal with ex and the local police.

You can enroll a self-defence class. Not only for your benefit, but because of the people that go there. I have, and found that in some classes you get people in law enforcement too, or with connections to it. And some well trained people that could support you too.
Check krav-maga.
I don't recommend that you fight him off if he just hits you, as it may be safer to play defenseless, but if it ever goes to a life or death situation, if you know what you can do and you practiced it before, it could help you.

In your situation I wouldn't go to my parents - I would book flights and go far far away - would your parents consider moving away with you?

You do not need to STFU - you need to keep posting, keep finding people to help you and get the fuck out of there.

Yes keep posting..

If u r cold u go get another blanket.

You can also get a new bed. Or, u can sleep on a sleeping bag on a yoga mat!! (Not so bad, really!)

I agree with lweji, similar experience. Abusive, relentless, ridiculous texts and emails and even solicitors letters for 12-18 months.... even a total nutter will give up in the end.

Can your parents rent out their hoyse to three yiung 25 year olds for a while. U guys move far enough away that it's a "Journey" for him to hassle u?

I had to start again totallt. Relocation without a pot to piss in but we not only survived it, we are doung ok now. U can start again in a new place. It's easier after the initial inconvenience.

Male 25 ywar olds i mean

I'm out, scared as hell but DCs fine and no cops. H prob won't notice were gone til tomoro. Post again soon.

Many thanks, you people are the best xx.

Are you all OZ citizens,or can you take the children out of the country without his permission? Can your parents deny all knowledge of where you are? Can you have someone/several people there when you remove the children, your belongings? Can someone ask for his help to do some work over 2 days, while you remove the children and your belongings?

day 1 take passports, visas, and any relevant paperwork from the house, change all your passswords on your email accounts
day 2, clothes, kids and out the door,
Never mind the car, just take half the money from whatever savings/funds you have and go, if needs be change the kids schools, get a restraining order and supervised access only for your children...

Cancel your holiday, or pay for a housesitter, pref someone who knows the score and is a huge man with Popeye arms and spinach loving tendencies to batter the bejaysus out of a suspected intruder. Install CCTV at your parents home also

Sometimes the fear of what we may face, is actually worse then the action itself, sometimes it is worse, but living like that is hellish, you can't continue in this manner or you will drop dead from stress never mind anything else

Ah just noticed your out, I wish you well and get that cctv

Good on you. I know it is hard and scary. Stay strong and stay safe.
Keep posting and dont hesitate to phone the police. Perhaps even phone them to keep them up to date with what os happening.

I know when i did they made it so as soon i dialed their number, i didnt even need to speak and they would head straigjt out to me. Not sure of how it works in your area.

Good luck xx

good luck OP