I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

It feels like some massive drama vacuum that was planned to give maximum emotional torment. While you sat thinking of different ways to tell your kids dad had suffered a breakdown, or worse he was eating toast at mums.
This is exactly how it feels. Initially I thought what Springy mentioned, just escape, he's cracked & gone to be a new person; devastating but I can get my head round that.
But he hasn't, as soon as I wasn't doing what he thought I should he was dancing around trying to fan the flames and redirect things.
After I spent that night not knowing if I was going to identify a body soon, then scrambling to make sure he had to go not the dc from the house & all that agonizing shit I trawled through and he's done it all to be sat with tea and sympathy.

I want to kill him. Every drop of love I had for him has congealed. How fucking dare he? How can he look me in the eye when he should be in physical spasms of shame?
Bastard.

Bastard.

Big hugs to you, OP. I think you've handled this brilliantly.

I know others have said it, but I wouldn't totally discount the possibility of there being another woman. Strange, sudden out of character behaviour does often go hand-in-hand with someone having an affair.

I think his mother is being a complete arse. He's a grown up an although of course she wants to be supportive to her son, she should also realise that there are others that can be hurt by his behaviour and not just let him hide behind her apron strings.

Wow, has he always been such an attention seeker? Is Christmas a hard time for him because the focus isn't on him?

You are being incredible, your children will be very proud of you and will grow up not to be doormats either.

Wish I had good advice about what to do with the anger you rightfully feel now.

Yes it does sound like he shed his skin and wanted out of his life. But he didn't go far, probably just to his mum's house.

He didn't think what torment his wife would be going through, or the impact of him abandoning his children. He expected to be greeted with joy when he returned and solicitous attention.

How? How could he think that. How can a person be so selfish that they can put their 'loved ones' through so much pain?

Even if you did take him back could you ever look at him the same way again?

You have every right to be angry. He has totally underestimated you OP.

The sad thing is, with someone like you as a partner, any problems he had could have been sorted out together as a family.

I have no idea what's going through his head or how he's built things up so a) this seemed in anyway a good or appropriate idea b) there would be no consequences but instead just a joyous home coming.
He has never been like this, it is out of character.
I have no idea how he could get from normally decent, lovely man to this selfish, self absorbed, childish creature.

I also cannot think of one single, solitary thing he could say to account for this that would allow me to give the go ahead to get our lives back on track.
I thought I could forgive him nearly anything if he just worked with me - but this feels like true colours time & his aren't what I thought they'd be. I don't know how I'll feel when I see him but my love and respect is damaged beyond belief. I think it died when he involved the dc in his wholesale abandonment.

I feel weak and broken. I don't feel strong. I don't believe I have any other choice though that isn't selling out on the dc. It's so soon but I can't see that there is any chance of coming out the other side of this with a marriage and future all together. Very confused and tired and sad. Being so angry hasn't given me energy or fight I feel like it's sucking me dry. Desperate for it all to stop.

I know you have said it does not really matter but what you say in your last post (i.e never been like this before) suggests strongly that there is someone else.

It sounds like you are crashing - be kind to yourself, take things easy and do nice things for yourself (e,g a long hot soak in a bubble bath, a coffee in a cafe with a magazine, a walk, a trip to a gallery etc).

I would talk to a real life friend or relative - you need to offload.

Do you think he would consider going to counselling? Mainly so that you could get some answers.

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus on here: understandably you are feeling weak and betrayed but your behaviour is inspiring and you are handling this brilliantly.

ohbyethen just thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Wow. This is almost exactly what happened to me a few weeks ago, except we weren't married. I completely get everything you're saying. I wasn't as strong as you've been, to my eternal shame, and have done and said some pretty regrettable things in my confusion, loneliness and hurt. But I'm on the right path now I think. You are an absolute inspiration.

For us, the coldness and distance was so sudden. It has since transpired that he did in fact leave for someone else. A colleague who I had previously welcomed into our home, been friendly with, spent evenings out with, who had met my children and sat at my kitchen table. He says he 'made sure there wasn't an overlap' - I think expecting some kind of respect?! - but I think all he meant by that is that they didn't fuck until he'd told me he was moving out (over text!) during his disappearing stint. But he's always been quite unstable - with quite a few BPD traits - so it's kind of a relief. Once the love and hurt subdues, and it has to, things will be OK. They will. I'm having to move in the next couple of months too, it's all so shit.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are doing absolutely the right thing. What a bastard.

OhBye have you ever studied the Kubler Change Curve?

It might be worth having a look at. It's a simple explanation of the emotions and expectations people go through when they experience a large change in their lives. It's used in business a lot, but understanding the patterns of emotion you feel might help.

Shock, denial frustration and anger are very normal patterns in a short time. Don't feel bad about how you feel at the moment. Have you some real life support , someone to spend time with you and the kids for the end of the week?

It may help you to decide what steps you want to take next (exploration), what you will accept (him visiting the kids, attending counselling with him, a meeting on neutral ground to talk) and what you won't (permanent or temporary). Perhaps write a list? Once you have a short term idea of what YOU want next then perhaps fix a date to speak or meet?

This would help focus you out of anger and into accomplishing a move on of sorts.

Change curve

I agree with Jolly, you'll go through a gamut of emotions. Keep strong.

ohbye I don't have any advice to offer but just wanted to sound out my support. It may not feel like it but you are amazingly strong and whatever happens you and your children will be ok.

Even though you say you feel weak, you are handling this with a great deal of strength. I think the problem with so many men (maybe women too) is the fact that they don't realize the consequences of breaking trust. Once broken, trust is not easily mended. You can still love someone desperately, but if you can't trust them, what is the point?

Your H has broken your trust. Only you know if he will ever be able to earn it back. Or if you even care to let him try.

Whatever your decision, it's obvious that you are putting your children's needs first. You can never go wrong doing that, as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you all for your continued support and insights, I'm sorry I'm not doing very well at keeping up. I am looking at useful suggestions and keeping comments in mind though.

As far as having an affair goes - he came home today and seems completely oblivious as to how devestating his actions have been, he really seems to just be being a very selfish, immature and wilful fool, to that end he has been summarily dispatched back to his mother's (from whom there is still no contact). He cannot seem to give up this tragic, tortured, poor soul act no matter what I say to him - he seems to be being so spectacularly self absorbed and teenaged (not that I've met any teens that would behave as he has tbh) the intoduction of another person, even that just had sex with and fed him, would take too much focus away from himself.
I don't think he is having an affair, although I have been a relationships regular long enough to absolutely agree with posters flagging up those aspects of his behaviour. However looking forward if he is/was having an affair at some point it will all come down to trust. I will be able to access his phone/emails/social media should I feel the need but as many, many women who have been in that awful situation have found out most of the gaps must be filled in by questioning rather than 'hard evidence'. Apart from his behaviour there are no external indicators that he's currently having an affair - whatever he may have been doing before at the moment he's not going anywhere or seeing anyone, he has today told me he has managed to get time off work, sil has said apart from the visit he's been doing nothing but an excellent impression of a garden gnome at his mother's - so he isn't finding the wherewithal to shag around right now.
When I said before it doesn't really matter if he is or not I think what I mean is so much will hinge on having to take a risk and will rely on trust that the cause is nearly irrelevant. Not getting explanations, answers, alongside what he's actually done mean I don't think I am able to extend that level of trust or forgiveness. Having to place our security on a balance of probability, hope he's been honest, is not something I'm prepared to do at the moment and that won't change if there is a woman/man/horse/narrowboat in the background or not.

Suggestions like counseling are not being ignored, indeed I really do recognise their value, but right now he is too busy wallowing in self pity to see our needs are not being created soley to persecute him and I just don't want to hear anymore of it. I'm not in a place to offer him any goodwill.
I hope that will change. I hope at the very least to be able to handle things calmly and amicably for the kids. Who he still hasn't bothered to check on.
He said he would 'come back tomorrow to see how you're getting on' and wanted a hug, I'm amazed I didn't lamp him. I said he wasn't welcome to come back as and when he fancied, he may ask if it is convienient to arrange a visit tomorrow, he asked why he couldn't have a hug from the woman he loved, I was literally dumbfounded and he did not get it at all when I said it wasn't fair and that if his choice was to abandon us with no thought to our welfare he had forfeited access to any of the benefits of family. Those are the consequences and he has to face them for once, I wasn't doing that for him any more either. Then I lost the moral highground completely when I told him he could just bloody well fuck off and stay fucked off until he grew up and started taking responsibility. So...it all went brilliantly

you are doing well though, showing such strength. I think you are doing everything right, he seems to have lost the ability to feel any empathy if he cant imagine how it would feel to have that happen to him. It must be like he has turned into someone you don't know. I have been following the thread, you are an amazing parent.

Acrossthepond - thank you, I was penning that novel as you posted but I think that's the gist isn't it, fundamentally I have no idea if I will ever be able to trust him again. And that's massive.

I have to try and decide now how to go about handling the information with the children. Firstly because although there are huge changes for them I can't give them any answers. I will have to try and word things very carefully and, secondly, because if I can't wrap my head around it, how can I expect to make this into nuggets of info that will fit in their little heads? I also have no idea when he might decide he's bothered about seeing them - they need to see him and I could force his hand but I'm too concerned about his behaviour or what he might say to go ahead with making him see them, but the longer they don't see him and don't know the more of a shock it will be if he continues to detach himself from us all. At the moment they're happy and I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I think I've caught up now. You've done so well with the boundaries you've created.

This really does sound like he's guilty about something that's so far short of the values he's held for years. I don't know what he's done, but I have a feeling this will be like peeling an onion and more will be revealed as time goes on. Do you have access to his bank accounts and credit card bills?

The reason I think it's guilt is because he sounds like he's in shock.

you are amazing, and outwardly so strong. I admire you greatly, just had to say that

Ton - it has become a bit of an epic read hasn't it?
I have access to the joint account and our shared credit cards. I don't have access to his own account, previously all the admin was open anyway but now of course I can't check. It's possible he has taken out credit/loan/cards on that account that I don't know about.
Years ago we nearly lost the house due to him making a monumental fuck up with the mortgage payments (he had set them up to dd his account not the joint) that he kept secret and just ignored, in all fairness there were extenuating circumstances I was very unwell and so was our child, his mother was unwell and things were very difficult. I sorted it out and since then nothing else has happened. I would say I'd be surprised if he has been stupid enough to get into a similar situation - but I would have been surprised, now I have no idea and it's possibly more likely I am about to find out something awful very shortly and it isn't going to be an OW.

Custardo - and Shallowkitty
I'm desperately hoping my brain keeps working, because the rest of me wants him to come home and is fantasising that if he did that the real him would come back. Magical thinking at it's finest!

His personal account might hold the key. Has he given you access to his Facebook account again yet? Did you find out whether there are any secret e mail accounts on your shared drive?