I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

You are amazing OP very well handled you are a tough cookie x

It is self indulgent, shockingly so and I just can't understand it. I feel like I'm completely in the dark and I hate that he didn't think that he was imploding our lives. I feel like my future has been stolen. My husband has been taken from me because it's so out of character, I would no more have thought he would do this than me. My chest hurts and my head hurts and the person I would turn to is the one that caused this and I thought for a second that was going to kill me.

Haven't spoken to MIL, it seems she's keeping her head down as she has avoided SIL and BIL too - I don't know why, maybe she disagrees with them supporting us, maybe she was told a pack of lies and feels bad, maybe she's struggling with his behviour as much as we are. I'm not going to ask her to choose between her son and her grandchildren but I'm happy for her to keep out of sight for now. I'm guessing she will get news of the dc from sil. It's surprising because she loves them very much. But she's big enough to make her own decisions, if they don't include us that's up to her.

Ohbyethen I am really sorry that you are in this position. However I really admire the outwardly strong stance you have taken to defend yourself and protect your children. You are an amazing woman although you may not feel like it just now!

You are right to be proactive when it comes to the paperwork and legalities of things. You don't know what is around the corner and it's best to be prepared for every eventuality. Knowing your position in all situations may also help you feel stronger and give you the confidence to move forward in a direction that may feel a bit scary.

2014 has started for you in a completely different way to what you envisaged, I'm sure. It could also be your year, you never know. Stay strong and hang on in there. Keep plenty of tissues to hand, those tears catch you unawares sometimes.

Sparkle

When my EXH left us, his whole family immediately stopped communicating with me. I couldn't figure it out because he was the one that left, I didn't want him to. It turns out he told them I was to blame, that I had had an affair and that he needed their full support and loyalty to keep me away from him as I had mental health issues.

None of that was true, it turned out he had the double life with a pregnant mistress elsewhere but neither I nor his family knew anything about that. I found out through a blazing row with him months later over maintenance. Have never spoken with them or him since.

Just because someone says something doesn't make it true but when someone does put it out there it's very difficult to prove it's false. Just bear that in mind when dealing with your MIL - it already sounds like she has heard something from him and is supporting him.

I would imagine she's reeling too and trying to make head and tail of it.

Well done for being so strong, you are right, you are worth it !!

Maybe she is ashamed of him. I would be if I was her x

Just to give you a supporting hug, ohbyethen, you are such a credit to yourself and your little family. Stay strong. Your husband underestimated you massively, and I hope he can come back and give you the real explanation and apology ( not just lip-service ) which you and your DCs deserve.

It would be really good if your situation can be resolved because underlying all the hurt and anger, it sounds like you do love DH a lot but arent prepared to put up with any crap and manipulation. Good for you, you are a credit and inspiration to womankind with your strength and dignity.

X

Sparkle - That's awful, how cruel. And how dare he? I'm sorry you had to deal with that and at least now you don't have to deal with them. I'm sure he's perfectly able to twist the tale however he wants, she's not the most canny, particularly when it comes to her beloved son.

notapizza Nopanic - both possible options. I don't want to form an opinion really or get something in my head that will colour my responses to her - she could be as faultless as anyone else and not even know the truth as hasn't spoken to anyone. It could be she has decided it's him that matters most of all, in all fairness can I blame her for that when it is exactly what I have just done? I'm worried that letting myself be angry with her will make it easier to be less angry with him. It's hard not to weaken anyway and it removes all of his responsibility for doing it in the first place if I let myself think 'she should have shaken him and sent him home, told him he was a fool, why didn't she send him back?' when it was never her responsibility to do.

I am seriously in awe of you, OP. You are obviously not only a fabulous mum but a fantastic catch too and incredibly strong and together.

DaisyChain - fake it till you make it I guess!

You have coped so well so far...good job.
I went through similar in July...i came home from a few dsys away with the kids and he had packed up and left, leaving me a business like letter and one for our eldest son.
I put it down to a MLC and his depression. I still tried to help him. Exactly 4 weeks later i snooped at his phone when he was visiting the kids and found texts to another woman dating back to 2 weeks aftef he left.
He still claims he met her after we separated. I have discovered i no lonnger believe a word he says.
It did bother me and i thought it wouldnt. It didnt last thankfully.
So despite him swearing to me no one else was involved when he left, he had lied through his teeth.

I hope this isnt the case with you. I admire the way you are handling this. I hope you manage to move forward the way you want to.

For what is worth, I really admire how you handled it all.

You are right to take steps to face the worst outcome. You really can't leave it to him and allow him to treat his family as he has.

You are doing the right thing for you and the children.

Just to say how very strong you seem. Well done for sticking up for yourself and your children and not letting him think his behaviour is ok.
Stress is no excuse to act that way, he is grown-up enough to know when stress is too much, to see his wife is doing everything to help him, to talk to you.
I hope things resolve and he sorts himself out and comes back with better answers. I do hope you can sort things for the sake of DC and your happiness and that he returns to the loving husband and father I'm sure he used to be.
Well done for now for making sure he knows that the children come first and what he did WAS unfair and disrespectful to them, and you. It is an important lesson for men acting this way to realise and hopefully something which shook him and he will never forget form now on.
Not saying this is what is happening for you but....My exH used to act depressed and stressed (later discovered he was having a hideous affair) and I, like you, did everything to make things easier. I planned a house move to nearer his work, researched schools for the children to move to and would cook and clear up after him as he was 'extremely stressed'. I wanted him to get through it for the sake of his health.
When I first found out about his affair I took his excuses of his depression and stress and believed it. I tried even harder to make his life easier and change things to help him. What an idiot I was. He lapped it all up, lied and lied and lied until one day he walked out. I felt a fool. I wish I had had your strength from the start and asserted what was acceptable and the importance of our DC, then maybe he never would have gone down the road of affairs. I am in admiration of you, I truly understand how hard what you did must have been.

Thinking of you x

Ok Ohbyethen, right now I'm picturing you with a child cradled in each arm, your head held high, hair blowing in the breeze, straddling the world, and I'm hearing 'I am Woman, hear me Roar!' playing loudly in my head.

You rock on! Whether things work out for your marriage or whether you decide that you are moving on, you have handled this with great dignity, strength, and clear-sightedness. And that is worth treasures untold. Your children are lucky to have you. And your 'D'H should be down on his knees, willing to do anything (especially go to counseling), to have you back.

:(

You have handled things with great dignity OhBye. I hope your husband is bitterly regretting his stupidity tonight.

I wholeheartedly agree with tablerunner - you should be extremely proud of yourself x

Delurking to express my admiration. You are an amazing mother. You are handling this perfectly.

I have no advice to offer but I wanted to say how brilliantly you are dealing with this. Your dc have a wonderful mother. Stay strong, I'll be thinking about you. Xxx

Well done for putting strong boundaries in place. imo it's the best thing to do when all else is madness.

This reminds me of, back in the day, men who suddenly disappeared. I say 'men' because it was usually men. I knew one man who did it and, unusually, a woman who did it, leaving her husband and her kids (she was a vicar's wife and couldn't cope with the pressure and expectation of that role. She had counselling and eventually went back after 2 years).

I'm not excusing him. It was leaving his wedding ring and almost literally stepping out of his life that reminded me of the examples above - both left their wedding ring. In a way it's a kind of suicide but without the act - stepping out of life, shedding it like a skin.

I'm so sorry you're having to face this. I don't know where you can go from here, I guess it's one step at a time. but I do think that the strong boundaries you are upholding will be a help to everyone in this, him included.

Not that you should be 'helping him' iyswim - it's up to him to sort himself out now, in whatever way. I'm sorry his mum didn't feel it was appropriate to talk to you, leaving you going out of your mind wondering what was going on. Seems cowardly to me - she could at least have taken the call and said he was with her and he was safe, which would have gone some way to lessen the shock and worry of it all.

Just read your thread OP and agree with others, you're so strong and amazing. You're the mother your dcs deserve. Thank goodness they have you as he's not solid is he? What a shock for you though.

If he lied about cleaning the toilet, and took time to do the soap opera diva change of facebook password then goodness knows what sort of drama he's fed his mother.

My DH made a monumental financial cock up once and lied about it. Even now I don't think he can quite believe what he did. I was so angry about the cover up I kicked him out of the house. He turned up at our friends house and asked to stay. Slept in their cellar and only came out for meals with a hang dog face.

Didn't tell them once that he had fucked up. I looked like the sadistic bitch who'd kicked him out and cancelled DS's birthday party on the same weekend. TBH my focus was finding a fucking accountant and sorting out the shit big time. They of course felt sorry for him.

Only 6 months later did I tell them why, they were .

So perhaps he's the same with your MIL. She is probably creating a thread in her mind that you are making his already stressed life uncomfortable enough that he's got to leave his kids and sleep in his single bed.

But you know what? Sod it all. Don't worry about her, and what she did or didn't do.

It feels like some massive drama vacuum that was planned to give maximum emotional torment. While you sat thinking of different ways to tell your kids dad had suffered a breakdown, or worse he was eating toast at mums.

I'd keep radio silence if I were you. It would be all I could do not to headbutt the selfish sod.

Be angry if you need to op, you have every right to be furious, vent and rant on here as you need to.