I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

You are being so strong. Must admit the bit about losing the moral high ground when you told him to "fuck off" made me laugh as you come across very composed .
He must be very confused as to why his attention seeking isn't working...poor lamb.

You have not lost the moral high ground!! He needs to see, hear and feel the results of his actions. Bravo to you! I have a good idea how difficult this is for you, but you have every step of the way put the family's needs (DCs) at the front of your mind. I'm sure it's exhausting; give yourself a nice cuppa and a hot bath, and to bed with you. Please.

Ton - Nothing new or different found on computer at all, history all intact so I don't know, he could have been doing things incognito or not doing them at all. Not on fb still. He's not changed in terms of public use of it - he may be private messaging but who/what/where/why I don't know, he doesn't have any people on there as he never used it. I might require him to show me tomorrow but I can't help but feel that's what he wants, to be able to be the aggrieved party. I don't know, that could be utter rubbish of course!

Buzzard - not going to lie, it was the most heartfelt fuck off I've ever uttered! I have tried desperately hard to remain composed and neutral so the situation as it stands remains firmly of his doing. Plus, as you say, I cannot stand the attention seeking he's doing. I have previously let him wallow a bit and made generally soothing noises until he got over himself (not that it's ever been on this scale!) but now even his stupid gormless 'poor me' face is like nails down a black board to me. Uncharitable, clearly.
He was purposefully sick today so I would stop talking and back off (because he was so stressed and upset, funny he had been fine until he wasn't getting the appropriate reaction). When I didn't go through immediately he was noisily vomiting he strung it out and then started crashing about knocking things down as if he was collapsing (he wasn't), he has sunk that low. I sat on here until he gave it up as a bad job. I know that sounds like I am now being needlessly cold and bitter but honestly if you had been here, my youngest did similar but 'falling' out of bed - I'd said no more story (after two read throughs of the same book, I'm not that mean) and shouting for me wasn't working, I heard the suspect thump and peeked through to see the wardrobe being kicked as he was laid on the floor shouting 'help mummy I'm falling' because he thought the first thump hadn't been loud enough.
It was like watching a terribly written sitcom and I still can't believe H did it. I think a fuck off was the least he deserved really, but it's still a shame I gave it to him!

Whitsernam - Thank you. And thank you for prompting me, I'm being a bit hopeless tbh. I am in bed and the dogs and cats are all in a pile around me. It makes me feel better there's no room for him anyway.
I will try to go to sleep and be sensible. Just winding down really.

Does he get bills for his cell phone? Can you access those?

He's retreated into child mode hasn't he? I'd have been just the same as you and would have said what you did too. How nauseating to see an adult being this attention seeking. I noticed that when he messed up before with the house money, you sorted it out. Is that a familiar dynamic? He makes a mess and you clear it up? Did his mother?

Why has he been going to see her so much anyway?

It is definitely not a shame that you told him to fuck off! If he is going to act like a tantrumming child, being "sick" in an attempt to extort sympathy, then treat him like a child (although I don't condone telling a child to fuck off - age appropriate language and all that jazz )

You sound fabulous Bye - so, so much stronger with every post. You should be really proud of yourself.

I can log in online I think, I'll have a look tomorrow.
He really has gone full child. Usually though no, we deal with things together, he does have an ostrich streak but usually for big things he has been an equal participant. His mother has always caused problems and lent on him to sort her out, that became both of us sharing that so he got a break.
I have provided a cushion for him definitely, shielded him somewhat from having to soley deal with general life consequences but within a framework of reciprocity really. So he hasn't got a history of this and small scale stuff was generally dealt with too, even if he felt overwhelmed he would at most take it out on a dog walk and then be fine. Or not apparently.
I think he's seeing her so much because he has nowhere else to go. She will be relishing the fact he ditched us and came running to her so will be indulging him for now, but as soon as the novelty wears off she'll have no interest in giving any actual support. He wouldn't be able to go and stay at his father's as he would be told to get home. Sil/Bil have dc and are further away, I think he knows he wouldn't get much sympathy there. He is being her but to extremes - selfish and dramatic. I'm still surprised she has acted quite so badly though because she has really been a superb, reliable and loving grandmother, it was notable how she calmed right down.
He usually has real difficulty in dealing with his mother's more difficult moments as they seemed to be chalk and cheese. But now he's being the mutant version of her, in 3d and surround sound. I'm not sure what to make of it really because I don't know what she is doing or saying, it's just supposition based on her lack of contact.

Ohfour - Thanks, that made me maybe I should use 123 magic, it might do the trick.

Wow OP such strength

Well, if it acts like a child and throws it's toys out of the pram like a child, I guess there is a good chance that it will respond to 123 magic like a child!

Honestly, what the actual fuck does he think he's doing? Your dc behave better than he is at the moment. Which is actually very sad when you think about it.

Yes, it's all about trust, really. That's the basis of any strong relationship, be it friendship or marriage.

As far as your children, well, how much can you tell them when you're still not sure, yourself? I guess if it was me, if they aren't asking, I wouldn't be offering, you know? Children (especially younger children) are really good at mentally ignoring things they don't want or aren't ready to deal with. Other than that, I think the usual 'Mummy and Daddy are disagreeing with each other, but we both love you very much' will have to do for now if they are asking questions. Sometimes I think that in our wish to be sure our children have enough information to feel secure, we actually tell them more than they need to know, especially early on in a family 'situation'.

*Annoyed - he's run off to mummy like a great big baby, instead of facing issues. The FB password change rings alarm bells. If its not a physical affair, its an emotional one. I dont feel he's had a breakdown, keep saying Im sick to death of it being mentioned on so many relationship board threads when a man is treating his DW like shit!! Its not a breakdown, its selfish, callous, many things - but not a breakdown. He owes you an explanation. I hope you get one. & sorry, I dont admire his mum in this at all..as a woman she should have touched base with you and her grandchildren whilst all this is going on. My DM loves my brothers to bits, it makes me roll my eyes at times. But no way would they be allowed to stay with her whilst 'deciding' about their relationship and leaving DW & DCs in limbo...she'd kick them right back where they came from. I hope it all sorts out OP and you know one way or another, soon. What an absolute cheek, tho...all this wishy washy biz..he owes you more than that.

OP, what does he actually expect and want you to do?

His behaviour is mind boggling. You need to keep him away with these antics, has he forgotten he has children in the house when he's doing all this?

De-lurking to say I really admire the way you are handling this. And to say also that I think it will do no harm for him to be told to fuck off. In his self-absorption he may not see how terribly he's hurt you. A bit of strong emotion alongside your incredible control is a powerful combination.

Thinking of you. ('Fake it till you make it' - my new mantra!)

Then I lost the moral highground completely when I told him he could just bloody well fuck off and stay fucked off until he grew up and started taking responsibility. So...it all went brilliantly

I'd say it went brilliantly, actually. :) (sorry, just reading the updates now)

I think his moral ground is so low that you can tell him to fuck off as many times you want that you are still higher.

You are doing well.

I'm just expecting suicide threats, although his behaviour initially hinted at that possibility.
It does feel like he has screwed up massively and is taking attention away from that.
I'd be careful about debts, yes. Maybe seek to confirm separation officially at this point, with banks at least.

I really think the next opportunity you have, you need to ask him to hand over his passwords there and then. If he is serious about wanting to make up, then this is the very least he can do. Does not mean you are committed to taking him back - you cannot do this until you know the full picture anyway.

This is very like what happened to a friend of mine. Very similar indeed. They are back together but it took a hell of a lot to build the trust back. He wasn't having an affair, he just had some sort of melt down.

I think it's good you lost it! Keeping calm is good but he really does need to understand how fucked off you are!

Keep going op you're being incredibly strong. My h does the attention-seeking 'ill' thing. He had a catalogue of minor illnesses over the last couple of years that I always helped him with, supported him etc. He never once thanked me, he just played on them even more, preferring to adopt a 'woe is me' attitude than get any real help. Now we've separated he likes to tell me how these health issues have spiralled out of control (it's only a bad shoulder ffs) and tells me how hard it is for him, he can't sleep blah blah.

I now just change the subject each time he starts. There's nothing I can do or say to make him feel better. He doesn't want to feel better, he just wants to let me know how much he's 'suffering' He soon stops when I ignore him!

Your dh has a responsibility for his own health, including his emotional and mental wellbeing. He should be seeking help from his gp. That is not your responsibility OP, you cannot make him go.

I think you are right to tell him to leave until he is ready to behave like a responsible adult, be open and honest with you and show more than a passing concern for your and children. If he really wants his family, he will seek help for himself first and then come back to explain the outcome.

But all of that is not your problem to fix. In fact, you can't even if you wanted to. Just concentrate on yourself and the children. Think of it as a permanent separation and start rebuilding your lives. I think you should get some legal and financial advice so that you know where you stand.

Regarding the children, you could maybe tell them that their father is not very well at the moment and needs to be away quite a lot but that he will see them when he can. Let them know that they can talk to him on the phone and you will answer their questions as best they can if they ever want to ask?

Just came across this thread and wanted to add my support and awe at how well you have handled this OhByeThen.

It must be so hard to get past something like this as it is almost impossible to lust after or respect a man who has behaved in this way. Perhaps he is ill or on the verge of a breakdown but the Facebook and email changes scream dark secret!

Good luck OP, so glad your children have you to rely on.

I know you say he and his dm are chalk and cheese but it sounds as if you two are as well? You sound like his mother (albeit a good one). He sounds very juvenile.

So much of what you are going through resonates to me, and my gut, through bitter experience, tells me that there is an OW involved. My ex, after 20 years of marriage and four kids turned into the self absorbed 'teenager' you so aptly describe. He denied the existence of an OW, even after I threw him out (after cold, distant, cruel clinical behaviour) for the sake of my own health. Even when he went on holiday with her, three weeks after leaving us, he denied her existence - saying that he had met her following our break up. What rubbish, I had seen the texts, read the emails, etc., and still he denied.

So, three years down the line, with young adults for kids, here is how I suggest you cope. You sound a lot like me, in that the trust appears to have gone, and you simply cannot see how this could be repaired. I think, like me, you have lost a lot of respect for the 'man' you married, and nothing will get that back. I posted a lot for advice on here, and the wise Mns (some might remember me, I was Saffysmum then) told me that I was doing well, when in fact I felt like I was falling apart. Looking back, I am amazed I got through it, but I did, and though it is a cliche, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. So, take it day by day. Tell one or two people you can trust in RL and lean on them. Expect to have days when you just want to curl up and cry under the duvet, followed by days when you feel that you are filled with so much adrenalin you can barely sit still. You will grieve for the past, and also the future you thought you had before you. The term 'smug married' probably applied to me totally - now I take nothing for granted. This is what I did:

I filed for divorce, after finding through CAB a very good lawyer. This I did because I knew myself very well, and knew that regardless of another woman or not, the man I married no longer existed. The practicalities of this gave me focus.

I went no contact with him (and still am - I only respond to discussion about the kids, and only then if it is absolutely crucial) he found this hard to take, and he too said, that he was in a bad place and 'needed a hug'. This was met with derision and scorn, I have treated him ever since as I would a business colleague I need to work with sometimes, but I have interest in whatsoever. Going no contact as soon as I threw him out gave me space to grieve, and time to focus on myself.

Go easy on yourself. Don't expect too much, and don't think that a couple of good days mean you're in the clear, you will crash and burn - just ride it out and see it as part of the process.

Keep your kids close, and support them as much as you can - you will draw strength from each other.

Lean on us here. It helped me more than I ever thought possible.

I also laughed when I read the "fuck off!" part. It must be so frustrating, I imagine you genuinely feel better when he's not there, so for now at least he must stay elsewhere. Well done on insisting that he makes an arrangement rather than turning up when he feels like it. How awful if the children witness these histrionics.

I hope he sees sense and you get a real apology and see new behaviour, although that self-insight seems far away today. At least if he does turn around, it's hopefully come from him (and your actions) rather than his mother making him see sense. From what you've said, any time off work will likely be spent wallowing, rather than on constructive thinking and sorting out his thoughts and plans. I'm sure you would enjoy an indulgent day yourself but you haven't abandoned your responsibilities as a parent.

Anyway that's enough about him. Do you have anything nice planned for the weekend? I hope you and your children enjoy it.

Please give your husband more time.He sounds like me
ten years ago stressed with work kids relationship pressures.I dissappeared to my mothers got drunk for 3 days because my better half knew how to hit a nerve during arguments.All before fb but I also took off my ring .
We sorted it all out and learnt to compromise.Now married 22 years please give him time and not divorce hastily.