I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

[Ohbyethen]

Damnit people, stop making me blub fgs!
I am trying to hold on to what outside me looks like, how it seems she feels.
Who can crumble with the power of MN behind them?

Practical things would be good but he isn't in a place for that right now. I fear with the money of his father behind him I can't fight whatever foolhardy plan enters his head. If his lawyer disagrees, no matter he'll find another and just pay until they say yes.
It's the kind of money I will never see.
I can't trust him to keep his promises to us, his dad will pay for custody of the dc - it doesn't matter if he won't get it, he has much deeper pockets & can just keep me in court until I've nothing left.
I will be talking to a solicitor, I meant to before the hope. I need to 1) stall until he's in a better place 2) box clever with an inspired idea from said solicitor.
I can't really go into the gory details but this is probably the worst time ever for this to have happened & there is a lot at risk (I mean we're not special, it's not worse than anyone else but I can't rebuild what I may lose. It is just stuff, but it's education, opportunity...food most likely) - it all sounds like cryptic bollocks but it's also long, boring and a bit 'properly' identifying.
In order to decide on 1 or 2 I'll have to wait and see what they say.

Mil...bleh, I can't even begin to deal. She could have done things very differently. But so could all of us. She kept her head down & waited for it to go away, I can't blame her for doing exactly what I want(ed) to do! She wouldn't even be on my radar if her son hadn't done what he did. I don't feel it's fair for every poor sod getting dragged into his drama to cop any more from me. You help your son. You interfere in a marriage - you can't win, you keep well out of it - you can't win. If you'regoing to be in the wrong choose the easy way I guess.
There is one focal point here - him.
He wants to play divide and conquer, try to isolate us allfrom each other then he can try that, but it is his game and I will have no part of it.
And! And! I don't even get to bloody say 'well I don't know, don't look at me?!' I'm making my own fucking medal. Out of sweet wrappers, a big fat chocolate coin one 'I am not a bastard' Big letters.
Big ones. Capitals maybe. And he can see it knowing full well he is doing an excellent impression of one.

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Sorry OP. You are in a shitty place. But you have approached this with dignity and a clear head. You have some tough weeks/months ahead but you will be fine.

[Ohbyethen]

I feel ok.
Weird to say but it's true. For now, but for now is good enough.
I have a clear conscience & that is bringing peace. I have mourned the loss of what I thought the future would be. I can see potential in a new future, maybe he gets well & starts being a good father again. Maybe he won't, for that I will have sadness for him and the dc.
Maybe we come out unscathed by anything but superficial scars - all of us I hope, just not together.

The practical things will be hard. I expect to feel the hurt again but whenever we have lost something I always say 'the more you love, the harder you will grieve for them but that is a price worth paying for the time you had the joy of a full heart' I'll be honest, usually for pets but...
I think I do feel that - I haven't wasted 14 years, I have lived and loved them, I gained more in the dc & happy memories than I will lose. It was happy, the happiest of my life and that is important and can't be taken. So I mourn the loss of the happy times I thought were coming to make room for the times that will come, whatever they may be and wherever they take us.
Life is a precious thing, I have a brain, I have a bit of a broken body but it'll do & I am resourceful. Most of all I am hopeful.
I felt like my whole world smashed, into irreparable shards but actually - I built it, so if I can't repair it I'll build it again. Graft is good.

So I'll be sad, I'll wake up and hurt and I will be angry but it's hurting because I love him wholly and completely. I made my vows honest and with loyalty. He gave me a lot and if he can't give me more, well that's ok. Or it will be ok. Later. And later is fine.
Okay-ness is ok. I hope my love turns into compassion, I hope he is happy. We will be happy, even if it drives me to the edge and dangles me over. Even if this is all I can put in my plus column- it's a bloody good score.
I reckon, anyway.

[Holdthepage]

He's the one who needs dangling over the edge, by his ankles & from a great height.

[mistlethrush]

I'm pleased to see some positives creeping back in there Ohbye. Hold onto that feeling, and look to the future for yourself and your children and do what you need to to get there.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I may be waaaaay off beam here but.....do you not think that the money coming along may be at the root of this? He sounds like he wants it all to himself and by doing all this now, right now, it is a way for him to achieve that? That would be my cynical take on this lot! I think you are amazing too by the way, Ohbye.

[Tonandfeather]

Amazing woman.

[Ohbyethen]

I think one possible solution is to combine both your posts! Whatever I need to do may be dangling him by his ankles!

I meant it to be positive. I feel as positive as I think I can be. There is no way to navigate this that bypasses hurt, maybe a lot of little hurts along the way as well as the big one. But really it should hurt, the end of love hurts, but I can feel it as a healing one not what I thought would kill me. Not for long, but long enough to panic, long enough to let that terrify and paralyse me.
It could eat me alive because I can feel it there and it's not really getting smaller but it will. I can't change it. I had no voice, no input or choices but I can choose this. I can face it in fear but that's exhausting. Or I can stand up and I can find out if I can juggle on a unicycle.
If I can't, well then I just get a sore arse, get up and try again.
Or I could just lay on the ground. Either way.

I think I have gained enough to be forgiving. If I was perfect maybe there'd be a bigger case to answer. The biggest loss is our children. If he is in a place where he can lose them, there is nothing I can imagine more painful. Anything I can add would just be like tiny pebbles on a mountain. I hope he stops being a fool before they see him as one, for both their sakes. We have lost a child, I have had mental health problems so all I can conclude is It must be a horrible place that I don't wish anyone to be. If it's 'just' selfishness, that's probably a higher price to pay.

[Ohbyethen]

I think it might be the bleach fumes lovely clean bathroom though!

Dinnae - Fil will pay for things that crop up against the family but son, he is disappoint. Stbexh will see very little in cold, hard cash because daddy doesn't like him but can't bear a slight against them. He got set up with some assets that will remain his, to go to the dc but if what relatively little he will get is worth more to him than us, it better be some hard working money!

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Ohbyethen

I've read your entire thread with my jaw dropping open and I don't really know where to start commenting (but I will) other than to give you a whole Wembley Stadium sized standing ovation.

You said
We are an amazing family, I'm proud of my children and we don't have to beg anyone to love us
too right and you make sure you remember that.

I can't imagine the worry, fear and shock you've been going through, but to have kept so strong, even though you don't think or feel as though you have been, and to keep such a wicked sense of humour, you really are an amazing person and that's without everything else you cope with.

Something tells me that you and your DC are going to be just fine. It won't be plain sailing, of course it won't, but life rarely is anyway. You'll look back and wonder how on earth you coped, but you will.

It's hard to credit that someone you love so much and felt so at one with, can treat you and his own children in such a way and that your MiL stands by. I love and support my children but if they treated someone like this, no way would I retreat and ally myself to them only, but there you go.
I hope you do have as much close and practical support as you need, but I would say feel free to post at liberty on MN as the whole force is right there shoulder to shoulder with you.

[springysofa]

Falling apart isn't such a bad plan btw. Though I've never quite got the current 'be strong' philosophy tbh. Maybe I'm not a 'be strong' type. But if your heart and life have been ripped out by the roots, I think that's justifiably a falling apart time (as well as a 'self-pity' time, though I wouldn't call it that myself).

What I have found out about falling apart is that it ends up that there is very, very little that one needs to do to keep everything on the road. It's surpising how little is needed - a bit here and a bit there and that's it! Each day does it's own thing and you deal with those things as they come along and you don't have to be holding up the world if you don't want to (or don't think you can). Being strong is over-rated imo (see above).

Unless being strong is your thing but, even then, you can scale right back, pare it down to the absolute bare minimum, because things still tick along in a surprising way. Even the big things xxx

[EATmum]

Your strength and dignity in dealing with this are amazing. I hope life treats you with more kindness, very soon.

[Ohbyethen]

Not really being brave, still feeling it, still struggling but the world keeps on going & things need to be done.

He has announced he wants the house sold, tried giving me a date to move out by so it could be gutted & decorated. So now I know I will be facing a fight too.
It's difficult to comprehend how he could be doing this - he feels bad when he is doing selfish bastard things & so says lots of guilty appeasement. My sympathy for how he must be feeling is drying to a trickle as he sinks further into selfish wallowing, using his illness as an excuse to hang every selfish thought & feeling on, ignoring the fact he doesn't have to indulge them and act. He is being astoundingly craven.
So, time to saddle up & prepare for an expensive game of silly buggers.

It's a remarkable brain bender to utterly love someone still while feeling contempt and disgust at their behaviour. Knowing it is as much them as the bits you liked. Although it will probably make things easier in thelong run.
Thank you for sticking with me! It's massively helpful to have support that isn't being told ' he would never do that' and having to explain every day that he did, has and is and that I can't stop whatever awful thing I'm doing to drive him away and beg him to come back because he doesn't want to and I haven't done/not done anything.
Sol appt made so hopefully he'll get a bit more reasonable before things get official. Not holding out much hope of that sadly.
Fool.

[wallaby73]

No disrespect to other threads, but this is the most inspiring (nay articulate) thread i've ever read. You do know OP that he can't force a house sale nor (what an idiot) give you a "date to move out".....i assume you do, and his actions show he hasn't taken any sort of legal advice.....

[mistlethrush]

Hmm, definitely need to speak to your solicitor and find out what is reasonable and what rights you have - I'm sure, though, that he can't just order you out of the house.

[Allergictoironing]

Heh pretty sure he can't just demand the family home is sold from under you and the DC, at least not until there is agreement and/or a court order.

Is your solicitor appointment soon? If not, for peace of mind it could be worth getting one of those free short consultations from a different solicitor just to get that clarified; this would have the added bonus of it being one more solicitor he couldn't use .

[GeekLove]

If your children are under 18 then don't you have the right of parental residence? I'm not sure he can make you out of the house if you don't want to.

[Lweji]

Idiot is a good word.

He really can't push you and the children out like that. He'd have to have a court order.
So, tell him to FOTTFSOFAFOSM.

Your solicitor will tell you what your rights are.

Hugs.

[Ohbyethen]

I know, it's ridiculous. Thing is I'm sure he knows it too, so maybe it's posturing, maybe he has just forgotten? Either way he won't be proceeding on his terms.

Due to everything I will probably need to get the house sold, unfortunate but, so it's not a case of being able to just keep it and fend him off (relatively easily done). I looked at CSA to try and get an idea of financial input from him. I just get a plan together and he does something to make me have to get a new one. He told me he's giving up work and will live like a little Prince at his mother's (so she's back on board is she?!) He won't be claiming anything, daddy will pay.
Sol appt tomorrow, he will be using his family's so I don't need to go creating a conflict of interest around town which is a shame as I imagine that is both useful and satisfying! Will be getting more than one opinion though to try and ensure I get someone who gels with me and makes a lot of the right noises - I want to attempt to avoid issues I know other MNers have had with poor representation.

In reality there is little he can do currently and I hold all the cards. His father is taking little interest in events. I'm holding on to that positive to get through picking over the bones of our life. It's exactly as shocking as seeing your healthy horse keel over 2 furlongs from home.
If he gets his father involved I may have a big problem, but currently he's just managing to reign himself in enough to not start something. He knows I'm going to fight him and he knows I will do it alone regardless of how much my family want him back or support him so I think he's just being too chicken shit to really let loose all of his selfish ideas (like all the money and house and car etc).

What I didn't do yesterday was have a therapeutic think whilst clutching his life insurance certificate. It definitely had nothing to do with the loose stair he hasn't fixed even though it's only him that falls down it. Because that would have been equally childish.
I sadly have to admit I used his razor to shave every bit of body hair I could find, cleaned it out with the nail brush and tidied away the new blades so they were safe nd sound. Still waiting to feel bad for such awful behaviour. It'll happen soon probably.

[Lweji]

Are you sure he's leaving the job and not being sacked?

Regardless, he is reaching new depths of bad parenting if he is simply trying to avoid CSA.

[shoom]

The razor! Inspired!

I hope the legal advice reassures you about what he can do without your consent. Hopefully very little, apart from move out.

[TeenyW123]

You don't have to fight him. All you want is to be assertive. Assertive as to what's best for the children first, then you. Stand your ground. In fact, be a bit cheeky and ask for slightly more than you could reasonably expect, then you can "compromise".

[Ohbyethen]

Yes, fight was probably the wrong word. It's just today I'm finding it hard not to feel adversarial. I want to knock his head against the wall until he snaps out of it. Because everything leads to more things for me to deal with, with dc/house/pets because he isn't/won't and they suffer if I decline.
I just want to get to a point where I can just plod along dealing with practicalities without it feeling like a visceral pain. Truth is if he turned to me now and took it all back, asked to start again I would say no. And I would turn him down - so why can I be so clear about that but not stop wanting that exact thing to happen?
It's like giving myself a poke in the eye.

I'm in bed cuddling the dogs. I can keep them happy at least!

[Ohbyethen]

Lweji - heard no whispers about sacking. He hates this job now and just wants to jack it in. It would not surprise me in the least if supporting the children has just utterly failed to occur to him in his little bubble of glee that he can just fuck it all off.

[SanityClause]

Someone DH knows recently went through a fairly nasty divorce. He was unfaithful, and she, unsurprisingly, took no prisoners as far as the settlement was concerned.

Apparently, he threatened to give up his job, or at least asked what would happen if he did. The judge gave him short shrift!