I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

Plenty of people suffer from stress/despair without disappearing from their spouse/children at a moment's notice.

I feel resentful of this crap about "waaaah you don't understand how bad I felt" well yes actually I do. I've been through some awful things, I've got chronic depression/anxiety because of it, have one time felt so bad that I planned 24 hrs away in a hotel to have a breakdown but I even bloody well arranged some emotional support for xh from his mother and made sure the kids were looked after by xh. I've never and would never just disappear without a word and I don't believe there is ever an excuse for doing that, no-one is ever that stressed. People who are very seriously mentally ill and generally erratic maybe but not otherwise healthy people who are under stress.

It isn't to do with feeling bad or not being able to handle stress. It's to do with feeling entitled to waltz off. If I felt entitled to waltz off, when I felt bad, I'd do that very often.

Plenty of people suffer from stress/despair without disappearing from their spouse/children at a moment's notice.

This. I know not everybody responds and reacts in the same way, and everybody's mental health crisis is different, but, as the OP has stated clearly; if he were suffering from stress, and had told her that, she would have supported him.

That doesn't appear to be the case.

Only the OP knows whether he is exhibiting behaviour that might be a sign of a mental health crisis - simply going to his mother for a day doesn't necessarily constitute a sign of a crisis.

Plus, the immediate conversation needs to be; I think I might be stressed/depressed and I'm not able to cope. This is how I'm going to start fixing that. Can you help me?

Not; I'm going to run away and hide and hope the magic pixies fix this for me.

The former is responsible and grown up, the latter isn't.

I have masses of time and sympathy for people who have mental health problems - I do myself. It's been monumentally hard for all the family, and I fret about DH having to cope, and to get the children through it, and I'm constantly aware of how my behaviour effects them. But at the end of the day, nobody is going to magic it better for me. It takes effort. It's fucking hard work. But it needs to be my effort, and because I'm putting the work in, they have something to support. Trying to hold up a mentally ill person who's not prepared to make any effort to help themselves is like trying to build a tower out of sand. You might have something that looks vaguely like it might work, but it's all superficial; a fairly weak wave will knock it down.

I don't blame anyone from walking away from a mentally ill person who isn't prepared to at least try to help themselves. Frightening as it is for me to think it, I wouldn't blame DH for leaving me over it, and I'd respect him even more if it meant he could protect the children from me.

All I'm saying is that it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that his actions could stem from MH problems. Not all severe stress/ MH is obvious.

In some ways knowing your partner is a 'safe' person to leave your dcs with makes it less selfish than a parent 'escaping' when there is no one else around to care for the kids.

It could also be that there is some 'dark secret' or 'just' that he is acting thoughtlessly & selfishly, or there might be something else behind this.

Which of those it is surely impacts on how the OP (sorry, I'm being crap & forgotten your mname) decides how to respond?

IF this is all the result of the OPs dh not being able to handle stress / mental health problems then giving him some time & support may be a way to go

It is his responsibility to seek that help and support from his gp if that is the case. That is something he should have done before disappearing.

What if he had been a single father, in charge of this children. He would not have abandoned them then. He only did it because he knew the OP would be there to take care of them.

Even now she doesn't know what to tell the children because he hasn't given any explanation.

If it were just about MH and stress then more people would be waltzing off. The crucial part for me is what I said that if he has MH probs or has had a breakdown or is suffering extreme stress, to waltz off like that he is ALSO a person who feels entitled to waltz off.

I am not saying his behaviour is ok in any way or to say if MH probs are playing a part that excuses him. As I said before his actions are appalling & OP has done well to make that clear to him.

What I am saying is that if MH probs are playing a part in this, it is not the same as if his actions stemmed from a 'normal' emotional state.

I'm not sure I agree with the entitled thing. I think it could be an explanation, not that it must be the explanation.

When my husband suffered a mental breakdown from Post Gulf War related stress he certainly didn't carry out a calculated plan of closing down Facebook friends and removing his wedding ring.

He didn't leave the family home, but one he did drop in at a mutual friends house before coming home from work to talk about things he thought I couldn't bear to hear. Our friend was so concerned about his behaviour and mannerisms that he brought him round in the car to try and get some help sorted and let me know what was going on. He was also worried about me, and DS.

If this had been a complete breakdown that drive your DH to be incapable of normal thought then surely he would've exhibited some off key behaviour in front if his family. The fact that his mother also abstained from contact speaks volumes to me.

The fake vomiting and thrashing about speaks volumes. He definitely needs counselling and time to review the results of his actions. Until the OP is absolutely sure this won't happen again she has every right to protect her children and her own sanity.

Please let's not forget how the OP spent her New Year - sat In torture wondering if her husband/father of her children was alive or dead. For me, I'd need a bit of alone time myself to pull through that.

Hope you're feeling ok today Oh. X

Even if MH problems are playing a part, there is nothing OP can do about that. She cannot sit around and wait for him to seek professional help.

All she can do is tell him what is acceptable to her and keep her boundaries safe. If this doesn't make him seek help, I don't think anything will. He is prepared to lose everything because he walked out on everything.

My ExP did something like this - just went AWOL. I thought he'd had some kind of break down and I think he sort of had but actually that was the symptom ratger than the cause. I think it was induced by the guilt he felt about wanting to end the relationship and from his affair. He didn't have the emotional maturity to explain or take responsibility so just disappeared.

I found his house keys hidden and when I went through the wardrobe realised he's taken his most used clothes.

I'm sorry OP. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. I think I had PTSD symptoms.

My ex did the same with me starting a year before we eventually split up. I did everything you are doing now. The advice I was given at the time from a truly wise friend, which I ignored, was to leave him alone. Don't seek him out for relationship conversations. Just step back and continue to live your life, hard I know, give him space to get through the crisis. It is good advice.

His actions seem quite deliberate to me, and not the actions of someone not thinking clearly. Removing the wedding ring, blocking the OP, disappearing with no word, not responding to attempts in contact from OP, not having someone else let the OP know he was OK. All very specifically aimed at the OP and not to reassure her in any way. He didn't disappear altogether, leaving his whole family in a panic over what happened. I think his reaction to the OP's reaction is quite telling. He clearly expected to be welcomed home with open arms, the OP suitably grateful after enduring the emotional torture he inflicted. He thinks he was justified and the being sick/falling down routine was to try to continue to manipulate the OP into giving him sympathy. Rather than him actually be contrite and acknowledge how shitty his behaviour was, and how hurtful it was on a number if levels, he's continuing with the histrionics.

I think the OP has the measure of her DH.

I'd think anyone with a mental breakdown sufficiently strong to just simply leave partner and children without an explanation was in need of specialist medical treatment. Not just hang around at mum's.

I had two colleagues who had mental breakdowns in college. They were not the same when they returned. It had taken a toll on them. One had disappeared for days. Not even their family knew about her.
That's the type of mental breakdown that justifies the partner being patient and understanding, IMO.
Not the type that just needed a few days of quiet.

I completely agree that the OP is right to be clear with her dh that his actions are unacceptable & to give herself time & distance from him to look after herself & dcs.

I don't think any of us here are able to make sense of his actions - there could be any number of things going on, not all of which mean there is no way back from this.

I'm a MH clinician so I guess I come with that 'bias' & maybe look for it. But, I can say from experience that it is not unusual for people to do things that look very odd when they feel overwhelmed. the OP has said this behaviour is very unusual for him & that must be equally important to take notice of.

As I said before, of course there are other possible reasons for him behaving the way he has, I'm not claiming by any means that it must be MH & that he should be excused if so.

OP, what I'm saying might be well off the mark for you- you know him best of course- I just wanted to echo some of what others have said that the dh you thought you had might still be there. Wishing you ALL the best with coping with this.

OP is very wise. What was that story about the blocked toilet? Refusing to answer her calls or texts. His mum going silent. It's all just too much. And he STILL isn't worried/asking about the DCs!! This does not read at all like someone with MH crisis, and I've seen people in MH crisis more than once. Also him trying to get her sympathy by pretending to be ill.... How sh*t is that!

OP is reading him quite well, I'd say.

Tension good post

I did almost do this twice over the summer while in a really bad patch. The second, and perhaps worse occasion, I ended up sitting in the graveyard behind the house, trying to work out how to get the bag of school supplies I'd just bought back to the house, while simultaneously wondering how to get out and away. I had no idea where I'd go to - the point was 'away' and not towards Mum or DSis or anyone. I wanted out of my life, completely.

My grand plan that I eventually came up with, such as I remember it, was to just live in the graveyard. I thought I could swap the school supplies for a sleeping bag, and perhaps a bit later, a tent, and that would be fine.

The first time was easier, because I couldn't move or speak. My husband knew there was something wrong, but I wasn't able to tell him I was going to just go up the road for a while. My plan then was to just stand in the road until someone came to take me away. But like I say, I couldn't move, and as soon as I could speak, I started babbling at DH until we were able to get my thought processes back on track(ish).

Most of the time when I'm low, but not quite that low, my primary concern is for the children. I start thinking of the logistics of how my perfectly capable husband would manage the school pick up without me. And he is a great and committed and competent father.

So, yeah, I think I am basically preset to 'don't walk out on the children.'

The suicidal times are harder to put in those terms, and obviously harder to think about dispassionately. All I remember about those times were being terrified that I would actually die, and doing my utmost to prevent this happening, but being very aware that I might not be able to. I remember desperately wanting to prepare DH and DC for that eventuality.

I don't know why I'm putting this here. I think just to come clean and say that I have nearly been there, but fought it.

Your mother-in-law's behaviour is strange OP, especially given the fact that children are involved and even the time of year. How has she been more recently? Makes me wonder what she thinks (and had been led to believe) of the situation.

No matter why OP's H took off the fact is that her trust in him is broken. So regardless of why he did it (MH issues or just being a self centered jerk), she feels she can no longer trust him and at this point doesn't know if she really cares to try. I can understand that, totally. Who would want to live with somebody you can't fully trust? To not know if he will take off again if he hits another 'rough patch'. Even if her H is having mental health issues, that doesn't mean that she has to take him back if she doesn't feel it's in her or her DC's best interests. He certainly doesn't appear to be asking for help and his behaviour certainly doesn't warrant her taking him back 'as is'. If he asks for help for a mental issue, sure, help him if she feels like it without sacrificing her or her children's peace. But not necessarily admit him back into her life permanently. At least not until he's had a lot of counseling and proving to her that he can be relied on.

You are good to share that, LookingThroughtheFog.
I hope that you are feeling better at the moment.

There is a whole spectrum of MH issues - no one person follows the same actions of another person even if labeled/diagnosed with the same MH issue. People DO act completely out of character when under extreme stress and emotional turmoil - it is quite easy at times to appear to be perfectly 'ok' in front of certain people/audiences and carry out seemingly 'sane' actions a moment away from a totally dysfunctional actions. And regularly swing between the two. The blocking on FB is not necessarily the action of some twit - people going through mental trauma carry out a plethora of confusing and misunderstood actions, which we all grasp as evidence that they are really just idiots acting like idiots. The pretending to be sick episode could easily be the actions of someone with BPD. Or yes, just some pathetic bloke shirking his commitments. No one knows yet. I've seen some 'crazy' stunts by mentally ill people and anything, anything is possible.

Oh I'm much better now, thanks. Lots of drugs and mental health workers taking care of me at the moment. We're doing well. DH assures me that he doesn't want me to leave.