I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

You abdicated your responsibilities just and you are still trying to justify it.

When you abandoned your wife, if she had felt overwhelmed and 'thrown a wobbly' like you did and also abandoned her children then, yes, they would have been taken into care.

She coped because she had to. You didn't. Face it.

Oh, and the 'all men' statements again. Don't judge all men by your own standards. It's demeaning to them.

It is better if you go off to talk Ferraris if you can't even read the posts properly.
People were also just replying to what you said on your post. Regardless of how much you supported your DW, I'd you did a runner without bothering to tell her and the children what was happening, then you were a bastard. You were very lucky to still be with her. Or she was afraid of leaving you.

Come on Just, think about it. How would you have felt if your wife had 'had a wobbly' and disappeared off to HER mothers for 3 days with no explanation. Leaving you to do everything, and expecting you to welcome her back without question after it?

If you have children you simply can't just disappear like this. You are their life, they are yours. You can't do it, and believe me I've wanted to go off somewhere myself plenty of times.

Why do some get to do it? Because they don't care about anyone else but themselves.

Yes, simply fucking off because things got too much for you is unforgivable behaviour - it doesn't mater how bad things have gotten. And blaming a partner's depression for fucking off and leaving them in the shit just shows you and a harsher light.

Justgivein, would you still feel the same if your wife had 'done a wobbly' (stupid way to phrase, it's called 'desertion') leaving you alone, frightened, and trying to keep it together for your children? If she had just (as OP's husband did) walked out with no explanation only to return a few days later with the selfish attitude 'I needed some space/time but lucky you, I'm back!'? So many men think it's ok to just take off to 'get themselves together' and are so surprised when the women in their lives tell them to just stay there! If you and your wife, together, 'negotiated' your absence in advance to clear your head, that's one thing, it's another to just disappear.

And do you really think that we women don't 'need space', that we 'enjoy' arguments and pressures? You think we really wouldn't like to 'take stock elsewhere'? There were times in my marriage/child-rearing years that I just wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there. But I couldn't, because I had responsibilities, as did my husband. Who, by the way, never 'took stock elsewhere' but managed to deal with what we had to deal with AT HOME, with the help of counseling. We did what couples everywhere do; turned TO each other to work out our problems, not turn away from each other to avoid them.

A loving, mature adult tells his/her partner "I need help, I can't cope. Help me".

I'm sorry if this comes off rather harsh, Justgivein, but so many men are given a pass on this type of behaviour. The wife is just expected to keep the home fires burning and wait patiently for him to decided whether to return or go his merry way, leaving devastation behind. I'm glad you and your wife were able to stay together, glad that you were motivated to work things out.

Can we just ignore that stuff as the thread could be derailed?

I do hope that you, Just, didn't leave your depressed wife alone with the children without an explanation, because that would be a very high level of bastardness.

In any case, did you expect us to be upset by your flounce?

But it's relevant shoom. Just is a prime example of how OP's H thinks he's justified in his behaviour.

I just read your last post more carefully, Just. You're saying your wife suffered from depression. Before or after you 'did a wobbly'? If it was before, then what you did, in my book, was unforgivable and very damaging to her mental health. If it was after you had your little 'holiday from responsibility', I'm not surprised she was thrown into a depression!

It is very interesting actually, as it gives an insight into the other side of this. How a man reaches that point and how he deals with it. Admittedly I don't think Just will get many sympathisers..but it might let us see the other view.

I think everyone has made good points and illustrated why that attitude is nonsense, but the poster either won't be back or won't listen, so the thread could be derailed.

I think Just's minimising of his behaviour is highly relevant to this thread and not de-railing it all. I doubt he will come back but the points that have been made by him posting and the replies are helpful, I feel.

I think the point's been made though, however I don't want to derail the thread myself.

Worse than minimising. He was trying to guilt trip the OP with "my wife is much better than you because she was patient with my selfish and uncaring behaviour, you should be like her".

Yes, you're right, Lweji - I missed the guilt tripping. It works so well on so many people.

Ignore OP. I'm another one who continues to think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I wish I had your balls.

Yes, but waiting, the OP's H didn't just walk out on her without so much as a word, he walked out on his children too. And now expects everyone to jump through his hoops. There is no excuse and no justification at all.

I agree, people can behave very badly at times. IME decent people behave badly and quickly realise they have, others expect people to simply work around their bad behaviour.

OP, how are you?

Sorry, hectic time here. Need to get the dc sorted and read replies, will be back later to update/reply properly.

Thank you.

Actually I kind of agree with Just in in one way; that IF this is all the result of the OPs dh not being able to handle stress / mental health problems then giving him some time & support may be a way to go. Women DO sometimes feel unable to cope & 'escape' too. That's the thing about MH crises, if that's what this is, rational thinking or behavior can go out of the window.

Yes, his behaviour towards her and their children has been appalling. OP has done brilliantly to be so clear with him about his actions being unacceptable. Maybe the next step is to make sense of why it's happened?

That's fine, but it still doesn't explain his behaviour now or his mother's.

The unfriending/taking off a wedding ring is fishy and very calculated.

I wouldn't be thinking breakdown in your shoes

I'm so sorry op.