I think my husband has left me.

[Ohbyethen]

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

I think this just about sums things up:

he asked why he couldn't have a hug from the woman he loved

Because he hurt you, you didn't want a hug and you are a seperate human being whose feelings matter, you are not just there for his gratification. Love isn't just a cosy feeling of liking being around someone, its about respecting and caring for another person, he hasn't done much of that in the last few days. That hug would have been to comfort him, not you.

I think you have handled this with dignity and I think it was sensible to find out the legal and financial likelyhoods of seperation. Even if you do decide to continue the relationship, it is better to do so from a position of knowing the facts rather than through fear of the unknown.

Must admit I feel a bit foolish now you've highlighted that I don't know how I'd go about divorcing my DH. I don't want to, but it seems daft to get married without knowing the system for undoing a marriage. Its not terribly romantic, but maybe everyone should be told how it works before the registrar accepts the notice of marriage.

I would be interested to know how long it takes for him to show genuine interest in the children, he really is being a selfish git isn't he?

Sorry, didn't mean to sound flippant there about his interest in the children, it must be heartbreaking for you and (in future when they are aware of it) for them if he continues to behave the way he is.

Justgivein The problem with just waiting for him to decide what he wants is that it completely skews what should be an equal relationship into a powerful decision maker and someone waiting around with no agency.

Its okay if they sort things out and decide to continue the relationship, but he can't just walk back into the family without acknowledging that it was totally unacceptable to walk out on his family and to fix whatever problems he had that made him think that was a reasonable option. It is better for the OP to negotiate these things, and to consider whether she even wants to continue the relationship so that if they do get back together it is as equals who have sorted out any underlying problems, rather than someone who is walking on eggshells afraid of him walking out again.

Op im so sorry you're going through this. I think you are behaving so incredibly well and with wisdom and truthfulness - although I know that it doesn't make it any easier. You are treating your feelings as important, which is such a good thing to do - its very easy to fall into the trap of belittling your own feelings in order to 'get him back'. And that's so so wrong.

Agree with the last poster about inequality produced by such a selfish and powerful behaviour - which would just be strengthened by you just accepting him back and letting him treat you and your dc as he wants, when he wants

Am new to msnet male and just concerned alot of replys designed to hasten seperation and not encourage patience and working at marriage.my wife was patient when I behaved like a twat now we are happier than ever with 3 achieving kids.

Don't be a knob just

Pack it in Sweet - many posters have suggested the OP is 'patient' but haven't been called a knob.

now we are happier than ever with 3 achieving kids

Actually, just, I think this is a very strange comment to make as an example - 3 achieving kids. What does that even mean? Do you only value 'achievers' or do you only measure your own success and happiness through others.

It seems to me that whilst your wife may have decided to forgive and forget your twattish behaviour (your words, not mine), you have still not taken responsibility for it.

You are still blaming your wife for your actions. Why did you disappear to your mothers? You say it here yourself -

because my better half knew how to hit a nerve during arguments

So, it was her fault then? And you are still saying it, so you haven't really moved on

It's a knobbish post and typical of men who think that women should just suck up twattish behaviour and patiently wait while men get around to NOT being twattish. When someone says their children are achieving, that doesn't mean they are happy either. Anyone insisting that this brilliant, sorted woman should be patient and work on her marriage when faced with this ridiculous self-absorbed manchild is STILL being twattish.

Dads being twats doesn't stop children being high achieving so long as Mums indulge twatty behaviour. Great.

Why should she be patient whilst you behaved like a twat?

You were the twat, it was your choice. She didn't have to put up with it.

Honestly!

No-one should have to be patient when their partner is going off on self indulgent escapades with not a word to his wife and CHILDREN.

The OP is doing absolutely the right thing by maintaining her boundaries and protecting herself and her children. Maybe the husband will come out of this 'episode' healthier and prepared to be a responsible husband and father again, but in the meantime OP has to assume he won't. She will do him no favours by indulging his pathetic behaviour, it's enabling and will not help, so nobody should be advising her to do that.
Nobody will end a marriage on mumsnet's say so.

justgivein who kept the household running and looked after your children and paid the bills and got on with things when you decided to go on a blinder and disappear?

His username is quite apt.

Sorry, no, I stand by my post. The OP is reacting to this situation with bravery and sense. Why should she put up with his behaviour? As far as I'm concerned, just was lucky that his wife was so 'patient', but that doesn't mean that it's right for anyone else.

I apologise I meant happy well balanced children
wrong phrase.My wife is wonderful very strong and she looked after the kids etc.I,m concerned because this loving father throws a wobbly over Xmas because of who knows what pressure and many pósters instantly assume ow or leaving.Not all men can keep strong all of the time we sometimes need space maybe dont enjoy arguments and pressures mean better to take stock elsewhere.

I have no problem with men coming on here, I speak to a few and have one male friend on here, but what I don't like is a lot of them seem to think they speak for all the male sex.

The thing is when you're a father and a partner you can't just go 'throwing wobblies' and if you are under pressure and need some time away (which is understandable), the very least you could do is acknowledge their presence and have the respect to give them some peace of mind, even just a bloody text.

And I think it's a ridiculous and very selfish attitude to think 'oh it's okay, i'll do one, the wife will watch the kids'.

Where is the loving father?
Surely not one who took off without an explanation.

I understand taking time off, but not leaving the supposedly loved ones like this in limbo, with the wife not knowing what to tell the children.

Yeah, unfortunately, we don't get that luxury mate.

OP's dh did not 'throw a wobbly'. He disappeared without a word.

He abandoned his wife and children and although he has now turned up he doesn't see that he did anything wrong and is still looking for sympathy.

just your wife did not look after the children because she is 'wonderful and strong' - she did it because she is a parent with responsibilities and that is what you have to do. If she had taken off too, your children would have been taken into care.

I have every empathy for people who feel overwhelmed, have mental health problems or feel like they need a break. And guess what just, not all women 'can keep strong all of the time, we sometimes need space, maybe don't enjoy arguments and pressures mean better to take stock elsewhere'.

So, what should people do when they feel like that? They talk to their gp, their family, their friends. They explain that they need a break. They leave a contact number in case of emergency.

If you're a parent you don't have the luxury if having a wibbly. You have to stay strong for your children. I know I did when my OH died. I had a young child at the time and couldn't indulge in a 3 day bender to blot it all out. Much as I may have wanted to.

This man could have acted like a grown up and talked to his wife about it - instead he ran of to his mum's without so much as a work (basically) and some very questionable actions that look like he wanted to make the OP think the worst (leaving his ring - and I don't buy his explanation) and de-friending her on FB etc and now expects her to just carry on.

He wasn't expected to keep strong, he was expected to include his WIFE in his decision making process. Keeping her in the look, sitting down and talking with her was a responsibility that he decided to abdicate and once he abdicated that he abdicated a pile of other responsibilities.

This is nothing to do with the stupid stereotype of "men have to be strong all the time".

And I'm sorry but the whole breakdown thing coupled with the silly internet blocking things still smacks of a seriously whiffy fish - I had almost the exact same thing done to me - Ex fuckwit moved in with the OW 1 month after he completely abandoned us taking everything including our home with him. I drove him to it though, so that's completely ok.

Yes I think the last thing I'd be doing if having a breakdown, is blocking people on facebook

He disappeared without a word totally unexpectedly, and took steps to shut her out of his life - changing pws, unfriending her on FB, leaving his marriage ring etc.

Since reappearing, he's behaving like a baby.

he's slapped her in the face damned hard and forgotten anything about his children.

If someone has a bad breakdown, a fair bit of support and help is nice. But it can't be demanded, only asked, specially when they've gone out of their way to shit on their partner and tell them in actions 'fuck off, I'm not connected to you any more"

So your assuming I dont share the responsobilities...into care.....u have no idea ......my wife unfortnately had depression fot 4 months....all men are pathetic shits and dont lov their kids .I m off to talk Ferraris