A second date or not?? Help!

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

Ive been online dating for a couple of months. In that time Ive chatted to all sorts of men. Some nutters, some weirdos and some really nice. Ive met 3 irl. The first i felt lived too far away, the second had a wonky eye i didnt see in his profile pic and the 3rd I met tonight. We have been chatting a while and had arrangedto meet next weekend for dinner. He booked a table in my favourite restaurant. However, today he asked if i was free tonight to meet so i was and met him for a light dinner. I met at his house (i did give all the details to my friend) and we drove in his posh car to the restaurant.
Ok...here it is....he is a lovely, attentive, tall, dark guy who fancied me. Trouble is i felt no sexual attraction or chemistry. Hes been textig me since i got home saying lovely things.
Do i go on Friday for the meal and see if i feel any different or do i let him down gently now? I dont want to hurt him as he is nice, hes just not for me despite looking perfect on paper.
Can you lovely mumsnetters give me some advice? Thanks in advance :0)

I suppose im also feeling down as its still a new concept for me. Also if he did feel the same ...when was he going to tell me? Maybe he wanted to try a few more dates. Im also disappointed he lied to me in the beginning both about age and about still being married, although strictly he just didnt mention it. And i suppose its a bit disappointment for me when i thought he liked me. Maybe i feel deflated too and i need to be a greater judge of people's intentions.
I suppose Ive learned a lot.

I absolutely love your post stargirl.

Flora, OD is very deflating in lots of ways. You will grow a thick skin if you carry it on, you have too. As my profille says, ignore all the BS that goes on around you and keep your eyes on the prize. It's there :)

OP, it is what it is in the dating world, full of ups and downs, enjoy the ups and know that the downs don't last. Being free and single is better than being with someone, trapped, unhappy and not being able to find a way out. Being single is so full of possibilities.

Stargirl...i shall take your advice

Tinks...your stayement rings so true....i feel like a weight has been lufted since i separated from my LT partner. It was like walking on eggshells. My friends and family see my spark for life again :0)

Excuse typos...in the bath typing on the phone with my sausage fingers

Being free is the best feeling in the world! im not on the young side either (im 51) I have sparkle still and a spring in my step, if it doesn't fit on either side just move on to the next then the next. Don't settle for anything other than what "you" want.

Exactly. I wont settle for anything less. Have 2 young children to consider too. My ex EA me for a long time and i want someone to love me for who i am.

See now I would have advised not to write him off after one date. I have found the most powerful feelings grow with time. Those butterflies you talk about can be quick to wear off and after they've gone you can be left with little else.

My own experience was I would have written my DP off was it not for other circumstances bringing us together. He was geeky and wore eighties jeans, was nervy with me and was quite backward at coming forward. I was exasperated lol. But he wooed me and we went out on dates to zoos and museums, restaurants and cinema. It was very very cute and romantic and in the end I realised he was a totally beautiful person. Three years on we are vomit inducingly happy with a 13 month old son and TTC another. He is the most amazing father and partner.

If I had gone with my initial reactions to him I honestly don't know where my life would be now.

Im so pleased you got out of that, what a very very brave person you are. As people that have gone through EA relationships we tend to still care too much about what the other person thinks. What I do now is not care that much and enjoy myself, if I don't like them then I don't look back.

Tinks...it took a long time....even now i still feel responsible for him as he suffers depression. He leftthe children and i a note whilst we were on holiday. I came back to his things gone. Then i found out he was seeing someone which didnt last. I feel its taken some effort to do OD and i suppose my past deters my reaction to dates. Im sure i will learn.

Seb....what a lovely story. Thank you. I will definitely take careful consideration the next time.

Ok.....started chatting to a nice chap. He called me and we chatted on the phone. We have lots in common and he seems really keen. He is new to OD and his last relationship was over a year ago.
Ive taken your advice and no going out for dinner. We have agreedto meet at a country park for a dog walk. Does this sound ok?

I think that sounds lovely flora

Lovely idea but just be careful that there are other people around-not some isolated spot ! [not really a party pooper but just a be careful emotion]
Good luck and remember to update

I didn't fancy husband on first date. But I wanted him as a mate (he's hilarious)....by second date hed had a haircut and made an effort with his clothes and jeeez, I wanted to marry him, we just fell madly in love. Give him the second date...I. Always glad I did.

County walk ok but I'd still book pub for lunch or something, I really wouldn't go dog walking with a stranger ( and I. Quite a careless trollop)

Not keen on dog walk idea as you want something with a natural end time so you can leave. Would go for a quick coffee to decide if you want to go on a proper date once you've met in real life.

I did exactly this on Monday. He was very keen to see me again but I told him I just didn't think we were right for each other. I have never done that before as I tend to be a bit of a people pleaser, and did spend a couple of hours wondering if I had been too hasty,but it was actually liberating for me to be firm in what I want and nit to settle for less (for a change).

*not

I like daytime first and second dates. I think it gives you a chance to get to know someone without alcohol and the whole 'do you want to come back for a coffee?' scenario. It pretty much takes sex off the table and it's easy to walk away at the end without feeling you owe them something or have wasted their Friday/ weekend evening if you're not interested.

Looking at the weather a pub lunch might be a better idea.

I think trust your instincts. You did exactly the right thing. Sadly he probably meant exactly what he texted and that he wasn't too bothered. But would have kept seeing you til you got keen. If he were upfront and uncomplicated, he would have sent a reply along the lines of "that's a shame, have enjoyed seeing you but good luck with the OD" because after a couple of dates, that's how he should genuinely be feeling. I think, from own and other's experience, be wary, keep things casual for a good while when seeing anyone, be particularly wary of the overkeen and overcomplimentary, they seem to get to a certain point (usually the point where you're letting your guard down) and then run a mile!

Thanks everyone.
I have no regrets letting down Sunday's date. Thinking back...he was still married, had a four year relationship after that and had just separated from her in October. His voice would have grated on me after a while too, lol.
Ok....taken your advice re dog walk. We are going to a more public park Ive suggested. Trouble is im coming down with flu and i feel rotten so may have to postpone.
I found him on FB and from what he has visible, he seems genuine. Everything ties up. Am i being too cautious or has anyone else looked up their dates on FB? Its a new concept to me and i feel a bit stalkery!!

As regards FB
Please don't feel stalkerish-forewarned is forearmed

I am suspicious of sparks. I've always followed passion in the past and am not impressed with where it led me. Now I think I would look for intelligent, thoughtful, gentlemanly behaviour and see where that led me. That said, I am single and not looking so probably best to ignore me.