Single Beds

[carolthatcher2003]

How do I broach this subject with DH?

I think the problem is that, when the 2 of you got married, you entered into an agreement/contract whereby each of you agreed to carry out certain tasks - this is putting it rather formally, but essentially this is what marriage is about. For example, you both agreed to love each other, be there through thick and thin, etc. When you got married, you seem to have carried out the physical side of the agreement with no problems and presumably, when you agreed to get married, there was no suggestion from you that this particular part of the agreement was only temporary. What I am trying to say is that you have changed the terms of your marriage unilaterally and your dh has had no say in this change.

In business, if one party unilaterally changes the terms of a contract, the other party is entitled to rescind the entire contract. Whilst marriage is not viewed in the same way as a business contract, the basic tenets apply.

I think the negative responses you've had on here are more to do with the fact that you think it's OK to change how you perform in this marriage regardless of how your dh feels about it, but that, if he were to change the way he performs (e.g. by seeking physical affection elsewhere), you would be outraged and offended. I think this is known as hypocrisy.

Physical affection, be it sex or just hugs and cuddles, is an important part of marriage and to remove that from the equation changes the whole nature of your relationship. I think your dh deserves more.

have been reading some of this thread and find it unbelievable that anyone could be so selfish and dare I say it cold towards their man...if I were him I would be going elsewhere for the love and affection you are not giving him...my parents were not in any way demonstrative and little with me but my dh is very demonstrative and think a cuddle a day is a must in a marriage, otherwise he will find someone else...sorry to be so blunt but I think it's not a nice way to carry on...why do you find it so hard to be affectionate?

Don't worry too much about some of the comments you have had on here. I think that people are really more intrigued about your situation, thats all.

I think that people are concerned about your home life and how you and DH put up with it and how it affects your child. It is an unusual situation, in that you dont want to split up even though you dont love your DH and yet you wont let him see anyone else. It sounds to most of us, I think, that your DH is being denied what is really the most natural thing in the world and that is love. He has tried to be affectionate towards you and you rejected him and so I suppose we all feel sorry for him.

I dont think we would tell your DH if he posted here that he was being an idiot. We would say that there is something that needs talking about and to give her time as she will come round to hugging you......though in your case you wont.

It is just very sad, I think.

very sad

Here's a message for Mr Thatcher -
The end of the marriage may come unexpectedly, without planning. The tingle you feel when the hairdresser touches your shoulder or the buzz as a shop assistant makes hand contact when passing change - these are the things that will bare your despondency so that you can't ignore it anymore.
Beware of what happens next. This is the time you can make seriously wrong decisions.
The danger is of throwing yourself at the first responsive (even semi-responsive) feminine contact. You are wide open to anyone who you think will give you TLC (and/or sex). As a starving man you will be tempted to snatch the first available morsel. This is not necessarily good for you nor the lady you meet.
You need a period of adjustment before making any other commitment. Don't get anyone pregnant, don't destroy anyone else's marriage, don't swear undying love to the first woman you meet. Socialise, flirt, date - a proper relationship will come with time - don't jump into a fire.
There are many fine women out there - you will meet one someday and have a loving relationship hopefully for the rest of your life.
The barren marriage you're in now is wasting your life - you're only here once, this isn't a test run.

Hear hear, Stuart.

Very true StuartC and I hope that CT2003 shows it to her H. Highly doubtful though.

CT, you are wrong about what we would say to your dh. I can prove it. Someone (male) was on these boards recently in exactly his situation. Here.

CT - your original post asked how you would broach the subject of single beds with DH. Have you asked him yet? If so, what was his reaction and if not why not?

CT2003 - your dh WILL stray, I promise you. After my previous relationship ended and before I met my dh I was persued by 3 married men over a 12 month period at my old workplace. They all told me that their wives had gone of sex and that they hadn't had sex since their latest child was conceived and, of course, that their wives didn't understand them. Of course, it was all a load of bull but that is what your dh will say to the next woman that shows him any interest at all. I would never ever go near another woman's h/p but there are plenty of women out there who will. You have your own reasons for doing what you are doing but please do not be surprised when your dh cheats on you. Because he will.

I have no idea if this thread makes me feel better or worse!

Carol, he sounds like he's given up - he's either going to leave, or just die inside, and spend every day waiting for something to happen that will take all the pain and unhappiness away.

Believe me, I know what i'm talikng about

I think we feel sorry for your dh because he sounds a really nice man and you sound really quite angry and unkind towards him. Personally, I couldn't live with a partner if there was no affection and kindness and love. If you had just gone off sex, then that's one thing, but that's not the same as having no feelings of affection or love for your partner. I think people feel hostile because you don't seem to care that he might feel lonely or rejected or unhappy.

CT it seems to me that you put your husband in the same "slot" in your life as your dishwasher/washing machine. I can't believe that anyone who says that they don't want sex with someone but "have not found the need to replace" them can have any respect for that person. If you don't respect him or love him then let him go so at least he doesn't have to live in this cold and barren environment.

CT

I'd like to stop making judgements on your comments. I have to say i am shocked however that you have chosen to accept a life that seems far from loving, happy, exciting and fun. You do not give out any clues that you are doing anything except existing with your husband for the sake of having a partner (who demands nothing) and your child. That may be the case (or not) but have you seriously thought about whether what you have right now is enough for you in the long run, do you not think that maybe one day you will look back and say i could of had so much more. I am not talking sex because i too have lost the urge really badly for the last couple of years but i am dearly grateful that i still have warmth, humour, respect, friendship and love from and with my partner and i think everyone deserves that in life whether they choose to go at it like rabbits or be nuns. I think you are denying yourself and your husband so much and perhaps you may like to talk about why you find it ok to live to blandly. If like others here i have misread your posting i am sorry i am just trying to get to whether you are really deep down unhappy/sad/depressed/complacent/scared or what?

You deserve more and for what its worth i do think your child does too!!