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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single Beds

115 replies

carolthatcher2003 · 02/03/2004 08:40

How do I broach this subject with DH?

OP posts:

crystaltips · 07/03/2004 10:21

CT2003 - I think that many of us seem enraged becuase you seem to be totally immovable on this issue. Can you not see you H's point of view at all ?? It seems that many of those who have responded here ARE able to empathise/sympathise ...
Why is it so hard for you to do the same ??

WideWebWitch · 07/03/2004 11:55

CT, you ask "what's the problem?" and the answer is none if your dh is completley happy with this. Is he? If so, fine then I agree with you - there isn't a problem

collision · 07/03/2004 12:10

But your DH obviously isnt happy as you said earlier that he had tried to be intimate with you and you had rejected him. He obviously wants to love you and have sex/make love with you and you wont allow him. Do you not worry how this could affect your child?

I suspect that maybe your DH might look elsewhere if this continues.

Lots of people dont have sex, either because of illness or something but intimacy and cuddles and kissing are still important and I think that you should re-evaluate your relationship and see if you can live like this forever. Your homelife sounds very difficult to me. Do you do his cooking and washing and stuff or live as flatmates?

Original poster

carolthatcher2003 · 07/03/2004 22:10

I'm really sorry about all this fuss - we're not close, it's how we choose to be, I don't suppose I could make him stay if he really didn't want to.

How am i so different from someone who cannot get close for medical reasons?

OP posts:

collision · 07/03/2004 22:14

Because it is something you have chosen and your husband hasnt. You dont want to sleep with your dh out of choice but he has no choice. If you were ill or something then your dh would understand that and be sympathetic, perhaps, but maybe now he is mystified at your lack of interest in anything to do with him.

Original poster

carolthatcher2003 · 08/03/2004 10:59

I wish I had never started this now. I suggested single beds last night, and he didn't seem to mind. I'm sorry if my lifestyle seems so alien to you all, but I just don't have that kind of relationship with him.

I'd hate it if he left, but that doesn't mean i want to touch him or have him touch me. Would I be a better person if I let him have sex with me? I don't think so, I would just be a sort of prostitute.

OP posts:

Easy · 09/03/2004 18:38

CT2003

As I think I explained, for medical reasons my dh and I couldn't 'get close', for several months last year. But we still had hugs, and showed each other physical affection (which can be different to sex, but affection non-the-less). From your postings, you're not just denying him sex, but closeness to another human being, affection, body contact. The things that make a male/female relationship.

I don't know whether you just want him around to pay the mortgage, but it kind of sounds like it.

Why don't you like contact. do you ever hug your child, or do you dislike that contact too?

Clarinet60 · 10/03/2004 11:22

TBH CarolT, I think people are concerned about any atmosphere your child might be living in. If there is a loving and caring atmosphere at home, then fine. If there is a way of showing caring and affection without the two of you touching each other, then I'd quite like to know about it, for future reference, LOL. (not meaning to be critical, just curious as to how you manage)

karenanne · 10/03/2004 11:51

ivew been following this thread and wondered if its anyone touching you in an emotional way ie cuddle or just your husband?what i mean is what about your kid(s)?do you have lots of cuddles etc off of them?i know i couldnt imagine going through the rest of my life without any cuddles etc.
just a thought

Original poster

carolthatcher2003 · 10/03/2004 21:36

we don't cuddle - I cuddle DS when it's bedtime, but we've never been very demonstrative, and I don't want to encourage him (DH).Before DS we used to do that kind of thing a lot, but I don't feel the nedd anymore. I suppose it would be different if we wanted more children

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 10/03/2004 21:52

CT you don't need single beds, you need a divorce. Do you not feel like you are living with your brother?

If he did have an affair I have to say I wouldn't blame him. Sorry to be harsh, but you are very harsh in your opinion that if you don't sleep with him that is his tough luck and if he plays away then he is for it. If you still want to live with him you should let him seek solace elsewhere.

Original poster

carolthatcher2003 · 10/03/2004 22:07

Why? why should I have to have sex if I don't like it?

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 10/03/2004 22:09

You shouldn't but you shouldn't deprive someone else of what is natural. Sorry but that is my opinion. And you obviously have yours so we should agree to disagree I suppose

lou33 · 10/03/2004 22:15

Probably right off track here, but is it sex you don't like, or sex with dh? Or is it sex with men that causes a prolem?

Original poster

carolthatcher2003 · 10/03/2004 22:23

I don't think I'm gay if that's what you mean.

No, I'm not interested in sex. I used to be, I'm not any more - I can't think of anyone who would change my mind, and that's not all a relationship is about.

I am CERTAIN that I am not the only person here that doesn't like it.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 10/03/2004 22:44

But do you think it is fair to deny your dh sex altogether (I don't mean you have to give it to him!)

Clarinet60 · 11/03/2004 12:47

What about showing your child how adults are affectionate with each other, CT? Because that's the only way he's going to learn, from watching you two.

If you never want sex again, that's your right. It is also your husbands right to have sex elsewhere if he wants it. You seem to want him to be your husband as far as being faithful is concerned, but not your husband when it comes to sex. This is a very unfair contrivance of the 'husband & wife contract', imo. Shit or get off the pot, in other words! (Sorry to be a bit rude, hope you don't take it personally, it's just the best way to express it that's all).

charliecat · 11/03/2004 13:14

If i was CT and could go on living with my DH as a friend and we lived like happy familys but without the sex I would. But i also wouldnt stop DH from finding sex elsewhere, and if that led to love and he left the family home then i would accept that as "my fault" as I wasnt giving him what he wanted.
If he stayed and we were all happy i dont see the problem.
I have gone though big ups and downs with my sex drive but we are still together, and i will not do it if i dont feel like it, i agree i would feel like a prostitute, but other times im up for it and happy to join in.
Do you never ever feel like a cuddle or a bit of intimacy CT? So you could say not tonight, but maybe tommorow or next week.
I remind myself of how much i miss DP when we have been apart on seperate holidays and then i realise i wouldnt want to be apart form him, and that no matter how much we are not getting on we do sometimes and when we do its great.
Do you still have a laugh, or have a good time when out with your son? What i mean is there anything holding you two together other than the fact you had a child together. And what was it that got you together that isnt there now?

doormat · 11/03/2004 13:21

CarolThatcher
My ex husband was a bit like you, he refused me the sexual side of the relationship for a few years. He was quite happy for me to cook, clean and other domestic drudgery but hey no affection. I was always threatened that if I went and had sex elsewhere I would be in for it. I was not allowed.
There were domestic violence traits there also but that is not the issue here.

I was like your DH still wanting sex and affection but I pacified his wishes because at that time I thought I still loved him also for the sake of the children and keeping a happy family enviroment.

He took away a basic human need from me.

His attitude like yours was the beginning of the end in our relationship.

It does not work.

I gradually started missing the affection side and started looking elsewhere as I felt like a doormat pardon the pun.I never had sex but I started meeting men and I very nearly did once or twice just for some adult company.

We split because I found him having sex with someone else but he could not have sex with me.
I was absolutely distraught with that and still to this day has had a knock on effect with my 2nd marriage.It had and has knocked my confidence completely.

We all need affection.
You will probably find your dh will drift away from you like I did.

Just pause for a thought and do a reality check please.

nzmumzy · 12/03/2004 08:48

Dear CT,
to be honest I wish your dh will walk away from you so you have time to get yourself a new room mate and you don't have to keep on whining here.

Hubbies are not meant to be room mates, there are many better uses for them.

Twinkie · 12/03/2004 09:29

I just think this is sad - you say you are staying together for the sake of your child -

I completely disagree that this is a good thing - for you or the child.
Where will your child learn that it is ok for ADULTS to show each other affection.
You can be self righteous and say that you are staying together for the sake of your child but you are hurting your DH - WRONG!!
You again can be self righteous but if DH goes elsewhere your marraige will be one big lie and this is no way to live or bring up a child.

Have you had any bad things ahppen to you that could have put you off physical intimacy - have you had your hormones checked??

nutcracker · 12/03/2004 09:59

CT - You are right in thinking that you aren't the only one who doesn't like it. I don't want sex with my dp either BUT i wouldn't blame him in the skightest if he went elsewhere, as i am not giving him what is part of a normal loving relationship.

bart · 12/03/2004 13:07

You do seem a little cold at times CT. Have you always been this way eg from childhood or, as an earlier poster asked, has "somthing " happened.
Also, would you describe yourself as happy? your life as happy?

Original poster

carolthatcher2003 · 14/03/2004 09:02

What's "Happy"? I think I am probably happy as much of the time as anyone else.

I don't think that is got anything to do with not liking anything physical, I just don't. I used to, but really in the last 3 or 4 years I have found I can live without it, and sort of prefer not to be touched. There has been no great incident, no event, although I suppose that as I have fallen out of love with DH I haven't felt the need to replace him.

I still love him in a sort of expect him always to be there sort of way, and some of you saying that he should leave me is quite hurtful. I spend hours reading things on this board, and I haven't yet found anyone getting the sort of treatment I am apart from someone who was going to have sex for money.

IF my DH were posting here, saying "oh, woe is me, she won't hug me" you would tell him he was being an idiot wouldn't you?

OP posts:

nzmumzy · 14/03/2004 09:15

I think you just want to get attention and that you have got a lot.

You are whining about same thing again and again and don't seem to find any solution to your problem.

In my opinion you are hurting your DH everyday when you acting like you have told us. Let him go and let him have a good relationship with another woman. You can't give that to him and get yourself a life.

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