Single Beds

[carolthatcher2003]

How do I broach this subject with DH?

IMHO yes...it is a little surprising. I realise that over time the feelings you have for someone change and you settle into a domestic routine etc but how does your dh feel? Do you think he is happy with the situation? Do you think he is seeing anyone else? Do you care?

I think my parents-in-law sleep in separate beds on the basis that FIL snores loudly.

Why would he be seeing anyone else?

I would make him stop, but he wouldn't. He did want us to do sex, but he knows now i won't, so there is no argument as such.

Just thought that he might have liked sex! Will bow out now as I dont want to upset you at all.

No, he does like sex, but he wouldn't dare have an affair, and he says he still loves me, even though I don't love him.

I'm back. Are you happy?

CT2003, it just seems strange that you sound so terse about it - it's as if you're angry?

SM....I totally agree with you.

hey each to their own, but it's not a lifestyle that would suit me.

Seems tho that he'd like a sex life, she doesn't, he daren't go elswhere, doesn't seem, very fair to me.

Sounds like a strange situation to be in, although i do have some idea of what you are on about. I have been with my dp for 7 years and we haven't had sex for 10mths now. The reason, i don't want to. I know it's selfish, but i just can't bring myself to do it. I don't love dp anymore so thats probably the reason.
The only difference is, that if he found someone else, i would be slightly relieved, and it's not that i don't want sex, just don't want it with him.
I totally understand what you are saying about staying together for your childs sake, as i suppose thats why i'm still with dp, but i couldn't resign myself to a life like that forever.

Are you by any chance Simon's wife?

Another nosey one here! Do you hug and kiss but just not have sex, or is there no physical contact at all? Only ask cos my sex drive disappears regularly but I still love cuddles

nc, I wouldn't be relieved, I mean how dare he, he married me, I'm his wife, I would think of anything like that as grounds for divorce. I found the longer I avoided it, the more pleased I was at not having to have it, does that make sense? I'm pleased I'm not the only one though, I was beginning to wonder - in fact I can't help but wonder if most of us don't really like it.

jh, Hubbie's called Paul

lucy, no, no physical contact, it just encourages him, which is the last thing I want to do. He understands, but seems to hope that I will change my mind, which is part of why I want the single beds, sort of set boundaries.

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Doesn't seem very fair to him - he wants sex, but you refuse (ever) but also won't allow him to look elsewhere. So you get what you want and he doesn't. DH and I are fairly limited at the moment because of my pregnancy but would expect some resumption afterwards and certainly do the cuddles/kisses.

I suspect he'll probably find someone else eventually - the lack of love sounds just awful. I couldn't live that that for maybe 40 more years. We all deserve more than that. I've been with my dh six years and we love each other. Eight years isn't very long!

CT, isn't a marriage where one party wants sex and affection and loves their partner and the other doesn't at all a bit strange and unhappy? If you don't love him and don't want sex with him (ever?) then why are you staying together? Presumably he's unhappy? (are you? I can't quite work it out from your posts) And 38 is young and 8 years isn't a long time, I agree. But please feel free to ignore this if it's irrelevant.

I've seen Ct posting before, she's not new or a troll.

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I would call that unreasonable behaviour. It would be OK if you 'allowed' him to go elsewhere, imo. Oddly enough, a friend of mine is in the same situation, but reversed. I've always thought it unreasonable of her dh to deny her affection. I would look elsewhere in that situation. CT, I don't blame you for not wanting sex - I feel the same myself sometimes. But expecting your partner to 'not want' it too is rather extreme.

Twigglett's right - your child will notice that you never hug each other and will think it's normal in that sort of relationship. I would consider putting on a show of affection for the child's sake, periodically, if you really can live like this for the rest of, etc.

I have run out of advice for my friend, btw. It's an impossible situation.

I would love to know what all your honest answers to "how often do you have sex with your husbands" and "how often wh=ould you LIKE to have sex with your husbands" is.

I'm not abnormal.

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OK here goes ....

CT2003, there have been times in my 15 year marriage ( 22 yr relationship .... OMG that's scary ) that I have felt repulsed when DH came anywhere near me .... and TBH I have sometimes felt as though I have prostituted myself - just to "alleviate DH's frustrations" ...

But then ( otherside of the coin ) I have not been able to get enough and DH has asked could we have a break from sex ...

WHat really alarms me is that you sound so matter of fact about it ... and that you sound as though you reall don't give a damn about your DH's feelings. That's jolly sad ... and sorry to say it but poor bloke.

Have you nover thought ..."Oh to hell with it!" had a few stiff drinks and just laid back and thought of England ( or the Tesco shop )

Marriage is all about compromise and from what I hear, you are not prepared to meet him half way.

Dare I say it .... But on your own head be it.

Good Luck..
PS - I'd go for the BIG bed ... we've got one ... and it's great when you want some P&Q !

If both of you are happy then I see no issues to be concerned with, however your husband may start to resent the barriers by the sound of it.
And what about you and your feelings and needs? Sex can be wonderful, if not with your husband then perhaps in the future with someone else.
I do hope you find some logical answer to your quandry - for note my best friend at school grew up with parents who slept separately, who silently seethed and resented each other, no hugs or affection. She grew up to fall in and out of abusive relationships as she so craved an overpowering sort of love.
And as for your question, I love deeply and adore my partner and fancy him rotten. We have had periods of no sex, after baby, during pregnancy etc. But never without affection! But its all part of our relationship.
I hope you get something you want out of this, your heart sounds so empty
xx Jane

Start the thread about sex and how often and whether people like it. There will be a mixed bag of responses but, on the whole, I think there would be very few who could live like you live.

There have been a couple of threads about it before but the search thing isn't working so I can't find any. I agree with collision, I don't think you will find that many people willingly live like this. You never know though, start it and see!