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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

266 replies

atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 01:42

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. Blush He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable. Sad

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 30/12/2013 17:38

quietlysuggests - where do you get the idea from that he is gay? He is an abuser. Not a gay man in denial.

Thants - hear hear!

clam · 30/12/2013 18:32

If anyone ever said they wanted to "enjoy" my body, I'd be reaching for the nearest sick-bowl. And a shovel.

How vile.

motherlondon · 30/12/2013 18:39

You should lose weight. All 75 kilos or whatever the fuck he weighs! Tout the door

NigellasDealer · 30/12/2013 18:41

yes clam i agree.
also, if your sex life consists him getting a blow job once a month (? pardon me if i am wrong but that is what it sounded like) and he doesn't want sex unless your figure is so slim as to be almost boyish i would suggest that possibly he doesn't actually like women that much.....

gettingeasiernow · 30/12/2013 20:32

OP, this man is too selfish to love you. You will only make yourself miserable trying to be his twisted and shallow version of lovable. He is unbelievably detrimental to your self worth. Please find the courage to act in your best long term interests.

PaperBagPrincess · 30/12/2013 20:39

This isnt love. He is an abusive, miserable, manipulative fucking twat.

Dont out up with this shit.

Cabrinha · 30/12/2013 21:43

Please don't have a child with a man you can't even bear to share a bedroom with! (mans understandably so)
Really - think objectively. Utter madness to create a child in that circumstance.
Leave him.
If you do want to lose weight, I bet you don't find it so hard when you're not ground down by that srsehole.
Be ready to tell him to piss off when you lose the weight without trying when you've lost that stress.
Go meet someone that loves you, and have a child with them.
This man will ALWAYS treat you like shit, whatever your weight.
Looking forward to being told you're too fat 3 weeks after having a baby, when you're hormonal and haven't slept for more than 3 hours in a row in that 3 weeks? Thought not.
Please leave him.

Stacys1968 · 30/12/2013 21:48

Ok i'll throw in a hand grenede...

Huge amount of Vitriol on this thread :-(

Attraction isn't a choice......think about that for a moment.

Your husband can't make himself be attracted to you anymore than I can make myself be attracted to my husband. My attraction to him depends on how he looks/acts/behaves/etc.

If my husband keeps relatively fit, is confident, dresses well, smells nice, pulls his weight in the household/etc, I'm all over him. If he dresses in baggy pants/dirty t-shirt, can't be bothered to shower/shave for a few days, leaves all the decisions to me, and plays on his xbox 24/7 then mehhh, not so much.

Being attracted to a physically attractive person is not shallow, it's Evolution.

I'm attracted to muscles and a nice 6 pack. All woman are despite public denials. My genes scream at me to find/mate with a strong/fit guy who can fight off the sabre tooth tiger, protect me and my family, and provide good genes for my offspring. In the same way guys are attracted to fit curvy woman who will provide fit/healthy offspring.

If my husband ballooned to 300lbs I would still love him, but there is no way on earth I'd be physically attracted to him, I can't control my attraction.

I don't know if I missed it, but did the OP post her height? If she's under 5'5 she's medically obese at a size 14, if she's close to 6 ft then that's not fat.

My husband and I made the conscious decision to hold off having kids for 6 years into our marriage so we could travel a bit and enjoy ourselves.

And sound's like I'm in a minority here but I give my body to my husband as part of our loving marriage, really don't see what the issue is here, we both respect each other and have a wonderful sex life.

Sounds like your husband could use a bit of tact and a kick up the butt to provide you some positive support.

But just remember he can't make himself be attracted to you, so it's unfair to punish him for that.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 30/12/2013 21:54

I find muscular men and six packs repulsive. I only ever fancy skinny men. The stuff about evolution is bullshit. Even if it was corect, there are lots of things we could excuse as evolutionary - cannibalism, for one.

Perhaps your shallowness about looks is why you are missing the blindingly obvious point that the problem here has nothing to do with the OP's weight, and everything to do with her OH being a controlling twat. You don't treat another person the way he does if you stop finding them attractive for whatever immature excuse you permit yourself to indulge in.

PacificDingbat · 30/12/2013 21:57

This is not about weight or size or babies or anything!
It's about how atacrossroad's husband treats her and relates/speaks to her.

Of course we all have different things that turn us on.
And in a mutually giving, loving relationship all sorts of things are negotiable. This is NOT what this sounds like to me.

But I think the OP needs to live her own life as best she knows how to - just like the rest of us.

TobyLerone · 30/12/2013 21:57

I'm attracted to muscles and a nice 6 pack. All woman are despite public denials.

Please don't tar me with your bullshit brush.

MurderOfGoths · 30/12/2013 22:00

"I'm attracted to muscles and a nice 6 pack. All woman are despite public denials."

What impressively irrelevant pseudo scientific bollocks you've brought up there. Maybe try reading the OP to see just how irrelevant it is.

BasicFish · 30/12/2013 22:02

Stacys

I don't like 6 packs, and I'm real woman. I'm VERY attracted to my DH, who doesn't have a 6 pack.

I'm a slim size 8, he is very attracted to me despite that fact that I don't have that many curves. Is there such a thing as personal preference, and not all humans liking exactly the same thing? Hmm

Aside from that, well done on missing the main issue by a clear country mile.

Also, the poster who said he doesn't want sex unless your figure is so slim as to be almost boyish i would suggest that possibly he doesn't actually like women that much

Some men like curvy women. Some men like slim women. Saying men who like slim women are gay makes you sound ridiculous. I have a fairly boyish figure, and have managed to find plenty of men who have loved my body and found it very sexy. I'm sure there are lots of size 14 and above women whose partners find them incredibly sexy.

This is not the problem with the op, whatever his reasons, his attitude towards the op is awful and not something that would be fixed by her dropping a few pounds or imagining he's gay Hmm

OP, you sound a little brighter in your last post, it's really good to read. Travelling would be such a brilliant adventure and as another poster said you can take the time to learn about and love yourself. Good luck with your future. x

MsAspreyDiamonds · 30/12/2013 22:15

Get out now. Do not complicate your life further by having children with this idiot. You will never be able to regain your confidence, lose weight and have children if you stay with him.

Stacys1968 · 30/12/2013 22:22

I totally agree the husband's attitude sucks, that why I said he needs a kick up the butt to be more supportive of his wife.

And sorry, this thread is about her size as well, give the # of posters who have chosen to defend that aspect.

However doesn't change the fact that the husband has actually acknowledged he doesn't find her physically attractive anymore. Would folks here rather he keep quiet?

Whatever you think about the mechanics of attraction I'll repeat what I said earlier, attraction isn't a choice, he can't make himself be attracted to her.

But he can certainly improve his attitude.

highho1 · 30/12/2013 22:27

I am 5ft 3 and I was a size 14 at about 10 stone. Top end of overweight maybe but not obese. But even that doesn't matter. Op leave and don't look back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/12/2013 22:37

Conscious that the OP hasn't returned and hope they are OK. This is definitely not about babies or body-weight or even attractiveness. This is about an uncaring, selfish man telling a woman that she isn't good enough & needs to try harder to win his affection i.e. emotional abuse. The rest is just window-dressing. Some abusive men focus the nit-picking on how clean the house is, others go for petty jealousy and isolation tactics. This one's gone for appearance. Always designed to keep the victim feeling 'not quite good enough' and eager to please.

Nasty, bullying and - teamed up with his total lack of interest in the OP's health issues - thoroughly cruel. Sorry OP.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 30/12/2013 23:52

Stacy, yet again you are failing to comprehend that the attitude and background given of the OP's OH make it clear that this is not about him finding her attractive, FFS. This is not about a nice man cack-handedly trying to raise a delicate issue. And it is not about her size. It's obvious that if she was a size 0 model, he'd find some reason to treat her like crap, be sexually selfish and weird and control her over the conception issue.

Stacys1968 · 31/12/2013 00:18

Oh dear so much hate here.

As far as I can see the OP made 2 posts in this thread, with minimal information, that's it. Somehow her husbands honest opinion that he no longer finds her physically attractive amounts to an abusive manipulative scumbag husband, wtf!

"Controlling her over her conception' Really?.. Does he not get a say in when they should start a family?

Oh and here's a classic example of attraction working at the evolutionary level just posted on here. A wife who loses her physical attraction to her husband who has turned in a beta fat slob at home, along comes the hot alpha stud and the wife cheats on her poor husband, to get her dopamine hit.

She says she had no sex drive, turns out she just had no drive to have sex with her husband because he wasn't physically attractive to her anymore. I wonder if she will get as much vilification as the husband did in this thread?

Physical attraction is not shallow, it's a base evolutionary trait, without it the human race would be extinct.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1952432-Has-anyone-out-there-managed-to-reignite-sexual-attraction-for-their-DH

GoldfishCrackers · 31/12/2013 00:20

crossroads you are so young! you have so many choices and years of opportunity. Do you want to sound your one previous life being made to feel inadequate by the person who's meant to have your back?
You've told us mainly about the bad times; not about the nice times when you share private jokes, he makes you a cup of tea etc., but that doesn't matter. There's nothing he could do to make up for the emotional abuse he's inflicting on you.
I'd also recommend the Freedom Programme.
You sound lovely. Don't waste that on someone who hurts you. You're young enough to find someone who deserves you.

Darkesteyes · 31/12/2013 00:28

Stacy if you put down yr copy of Grazia you might be able to grasp the gist of what AnyBags and others are saying.
There is a guy works in my local Sainsburys who is quite short for a bloke (same height as me) but i find him attractive because he seems like a really nice bloke Very gentlemanly.Yep its that simple.
An ex of mine was bigger Found him attractive because he was funny and made me laugh. There is much more to attraction than just looks. OP yr DH is emotionally abusive There is a big tv ad campaign running at the moment.... Abuse isnt only physical!

cozietoesie · 31/12/2013 00:37

Sounds to me as if he's bisexual and likes skinny hips. (Been there. Wink)

Get out.

highho1 · 31/12/2013 00:46

O yes I always fancied Tommy from Wet Wet Wet and not Marti or the keyboard player whose names escapes me.

FetaCheeny · 31/12/2013 00:48

Stacy I don't agree with you that everyone is attracted to the same th

mathanxiety · 31/12/2013 00:50

I am nodding in agreement with Cozietoesie here. Been there, bought the t-shirt, etc.

Of course he could also be too lazy to get a new place and new human punchbag for himself, likes laundry and meals supplied, and has a cruel streak.

Either way, you can bend yourself backwards until you don't know if you're coming or going, and it won't make any difference.