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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

266 replies

atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 01:42

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. Blush He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable. Sad

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 19:15

So, you are prepared to put up with a man who says you are fat & need to lose weight before he will have sex with you, who wants to 'enjoy your body before you have children' - but feel it's a 'wall' when he doesn't want to go out to dinner?

Is that right?

hoppingmad · 29/12/2013 19:24

Your dh views you as his property. He does not view you as an equal.
He does not support you during health problems.
He criticises you when you gain weight

If you get pregnant he will not support you through the pregnancy.
He will not embrace your pregnant body
He will resent your baby we he will want all your attention on himself

I speak from experience. When a man shows his true colours you should pay attention. Don't focus on how they behave when they think they might lose you - focus on how they treat you normally.

He makes you feel crap because he can, and he will keep doing it. He will be a horrible dad because he is selfish and selfish people don't make good parents. Again, I speak from experience.

Please realise that this is not the way a relationship is supposed to make you feel

pixiegumboot · 29/12/2013 19:27

Christ I used to be the same initial weight as you, after two chn I'm now 85kg. Your husband is a dick. I presume he looks like Ryan gosling and his super gorgeous amazing six pack??? If not, I hope you are asking him why not...

GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/12/2013 19:35

This man is a manipulative man.

He wants what he wants. Everything he says is all about what he feels, not you. Being in a relationship is about compromising and working at things together.

If I were you I wouldn't stay with this man. If you had a child with him he'd complain about your weight whilst pregnant and after you had the baby even more. Then he'd complain he wouldn't be getting enough couple time or sex, because you are looking after the baby.

He may be nice some of the time. But some of the time isn't enough. If you want to make a life with someone, it's got to feel right.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 29/12/2013 19:36

OP - enjoy eating healthily, getting fit and having fun, for yourself. And doing that might give you the confidence to see that you're wasted on your current H. Stop asking him out to restaurants, start asking some friends out instead. Value your body enough to meet someone who won't ask you to change it.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 29/12/2013 19:38

I wonder if he doesn't want to take you out because he is ashamed of you, what with you being so fat and all Hmm.

A size 14 is not huge. He is a dick.

nkf · 29/12/2013 19:45

Leave of course. To us, it's obvious. He sounds childish, rude, unkind and not a good prospect for life.

I can see that he is your husband and that you care about him and that you can't imagine not being with him.

Keep thinking.

HowAboutNo · 29/12/2013 19:46

Wow. I really hope you're okay OP. People who love you will never want to hurt you like that.

I think you obviously love him, but when you look back on your life, you'll see him for who he is.

So very sad for you, and not in a patronising way. How are you supposed to feel when the person you adore is an utter arsehole?

The only weight I'd be dropping is the weight of him.

LaVitaBellissima · 29/12/2013 19:50

Do you have any good girl friends? Start getting dressed up and going out for dinner/cinema/theatre with them instead, or does he not allow you to do this?

tantrumtime · 29/12/2013 19:52

Fuck. Him. Off.

PacificDingbat · 29/12/2013 19:55

That's a really good idea, to start going out with some friends. Dress up, make an effort and enjoy yourself.
You really need to find the true you again - it'll help you make decisions.

Original poster
atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 20:17

I have already taken on board the comments about the baby issue. I can't do that to me, our relationship and especially to a new life. I can't have a baby with him now for many reasons and for my own sanity now.

I have been in an abusive (physically and emotionally) relationships before this and i missed all the signs until it was too late.

It has been hard reading comments and realising that my life is not what i thought it was. It's currently flipped upside down and I am quite lost because I can't bury my head in the sand and keep on hoping it'll just improve.

I know it isn't about my weight. It isn't also that he isn't ready to have children. The relationship started out so well and now I realise it is far from a healthy relationship where i will be happy and feel cherished.

He was always immature and I always justified it for him by saying 'he's younger than me, he's a guy. It's oka. It'll change with age'. I have just realised NOW after 6 years........! 6 more years wasted.

I am going to work on us for another few weeks and if nothing improves then I have to get out and leave.

I will start to create more of an independent life for me with dressing up and going out with girl friends more and looking inwards for happiness instead of giving.....I have always wanted to travel and do things that I couldn't do before. Maybe this is something to look forward to if things keep going south. Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love was always something I thought i would do someday.......maybe i will end up doing that... travelling instead of waiting to be happy.

People here have been helpful. Thank you all.

It's over and out from me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 20:18

Just read pacificDingbat's comment - thank you. In all this focus on a baby or my husband I was always focussing on pleasing someone elese or looking towards another human for love. I should start with loving me first.

I don't know who I am now. i am surely not the person i was when i met hy husband many years ago. i was a free spirit in many ways back then and slowly it changed and i became docile and complacent...

OP posts:
willybreeder · 29/12/2013 20:22

I'm curious why you are willing to stay with someone who has no interest in your pleasure, in and out of the bedroom. From what you've said you give him oral or hand pleasure once a month and thats it. Is this a topic you could challenge him on ?

willybreeder · 29/12/2013 20:24

Sorry, just read your recent comments. Seems like your coming to your own conclusions. Good luck x

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 29/12/2013 20:40

It's not wasted, OP - it has helped you to get to know yourself and your priorities better - that's always worthwhile.
I totally recommend travelling, by the way. It really helped me get over a break-up and also learn a lot about myself and develop my self-reliance.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 21:02

I suspect you might benefit from the Freedom Programme

It's not only for DV victims.

HopeClearwater · 29/12/2013 22:05

This really does not make sense. You cannot work on him, only yourself. He is not part of an 'us', nor does he want to be. He is all about 'me'.

You sound lovely. Get rid.

HopeClearwater · 29/12/2013 22:06

Oops wrong kind of arrows!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2013 22:16

Better 6 years wasted than 7, 8, 9, 20 years OP.

If it takes you a few weeks to take stock, let the points you've raised here sink in then that is not time wasted.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 29/12/2013 22:54

I think you have hit the nail on the head, OP - I bet a huge (not necessarily all) part of your desire for a baby is actually your desire to be loved and to have your love properly received and reciprocated.

BUT - you say you feel guilty writing on here because you haven't told us about the other sides of him. The point is, is doesn't matter one iota what other sides he has to him, the fact that he has this side to him means that he is an abusive piece of shit you need to get out of your life. The side of him that really matters, and what will really shape your relationship, your future family dynamic, and how you feel about yourself, is this abusive side. Because THs is the true him. All the rest is what he presents to get his own way or make him look good, or him choosing not to be unpleasant because it suits him, or because he doesn't feel like it.

Southsearocks · 30/12/2013 15:50

Good luck OP. I hope you get to travel and find the old you again Thanks

quietlysuggests · 30/12/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karmalady · 30/12/2013 16:01

Leave him - why on earth would you want to be with someone who destroys your self esteem and is so selfish?

Do you really want any children to be bought up thinking that 'women are there to be enjoyed' or insulted?

Size 14 isn't even fat, for God's sake!

Thants · 30/12/2013 17:31

It's sad that people are saying size 14 isn't 'even' fat. Like if the op were bigger her dh's behaviour would be justified. No the op isn't fat but you shouldn't abuse people who are fat either!