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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why am I reacting like this?

78 replies

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 10:34

So last night we arrived home from visiting DH's family to find a card pushed through our door telling me my DH has been having an affair. I showed him straight away and I laughed it off, thinking he had upset someone and they were trying to create trouble. When I got to bed, he closed the door and told me it was true. He has been shagging someone down the rugby club for the past month, 4 occasions, but tried to finish it 2 weeks ago. He's devastated, promises he will do anything to make things right, and swears he loves me and doesn't know why he did it.

I just don't understand my reaction. I have cried a little bit, and feel sad, but otherwise I am just numb. I don't want to talk about it and don't want to think about it or make any decisions. I just want to carry on and pretend it never happened. I don't even want to hurt my DH or make him suffer, I'm worried I am abnormal. It's been such a shock, my husband is far from perfect, but the one thing I thought I had was his complete and unconditional love for me.I always thought he loved me much more than I loved him, and I trusted him completely. I just don't understand my lack of reaction, it's almost like a paralysis.

OP posts:

fifi669 · 28/12/2013 10:38

You're in shock. Let yourself be shocked. I'm pretty sure all the usual feelings will surface soon enough. You're not abnormal!

Hope it works out for you

tribpot · 28/12/2013 10:41

I think your reaction is quite normal - complete shock. It's been barely 12 hours since you found out. Be kind to yourself - there's no timetable you have to work to here.

IAmOptimusPrime · 28/12/2013 10:41

I think you are in shock, an enormous thing has happened to something you thought was all ok. I think it is your way of protecting yourself. But no you are not abnormal. It's like being in a bubble and the calm before the storm.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 10:43

I agree it's the shock, your body's way of dealing with the situation. Other emotions will come to the surface soon, and you need to be prepared for the fact that how you feel now may not be how you feel in an hour's time, a day's time.

You probably know that the common advice is to ask the cheating partner to leave the home. Gives you time to come to terms with how you are feeling and to think about what you want. It gives the cheating partner time to realise what they've risked losing or already lost.

Christmascandles · 28/12/2013 10:47

Oh you poor thing. You're in shock. Just trying to I goner it in the hope that it will go away. It won't go away tho and you will have to deal with it. Eventually. But not today. The realisation will hit you and when it does the best thing to do is ask him to leave for a few days so you can think straight.

You also need to be aware that it is probably OW who put the note thru the door. He says he tried to end it, so he's still seeing her then...? Get him to call her on loud speaker and end it. Now.

Finally he will likely have minimised it, so may have been going on for longer, prob saw shagged her more than four times. He will have admitted to what he thinks he can get away with. Or maybe this isn't his first ow.....

Be kind to yourself OP. None of this is your fault. We are here to hold your hand and drink with you. It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, but he has some work to do. Only you know what is a deal breaker for you.

Christmascandles · 28/12/2013 10:49

wtf, I goner it....?
Ignore it
Sorry iPads marvellous predictive text!

Original poster

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 10:50

Thank you everyone. Just reading your messages has made it a bit more real. I know I should ask him to go, but I have a real fear of being abandoned which I think stems from my parents messy marriage breakup. I just can't talk to him at the moment, he feels like a stranger. Ironically this is the first Christmas in years when neither of us are working, what I could do with right now is a busy shift to take my mind off things. Guess I can just stay busy at home and hope it all slots into place.

OP posts:

HanselandGretel · 28/12/2013 10:53

How awful for you. Sounds like you are in shock as the others have said, that's why your reaction is so numb, as the days go by you'll feel a whole host of emotions.
Hope you have friends and family that can help you through this.

Original poster

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 10:59

HanselandGretel the thought of telling anyone in RL about this makes me feel sick, I feel like I want to protect him from my family which I know sounds crazy. My family love him but see his various faults, I really don't want anyone to judge him. I just want to hide away until this all goes away!

OP posts:

sarajane231 · 28/12/2013 11:02

Have you got children Nursey?

tribpot · 28/12/2013 11:03

Do you have a friend you could tell? Ultimately the stress of keeping this secret will make things worse for you and better for him, which is the exact opposite of what should be happening. Telling your family is a big deal, but telling a friend may bring you a measure of comfort.

You want this not to be true, which is entirely understandable. But he's taken that option away from you.

lunar1 · 28/12/2013 11:09

Really sorry this happened to you. Don't make any decisions right now, you need time to process this and find your anger.

HissymasJumper · 28/12/2013 11:11

Sweety, to have any chance of saving this, he has to see what he's potentially losing. He has to go somewhere else, indeterminate time, so that you can be alone and think about what you want.

I know it feels counterintuitive, but it's actually not.

You need to grow strong, and face the fear of abandonment.

Whatever happens, you will, I repeat WILL survive!

We're here, you can talk to your family perhaps too. You need RL support, and not from him.

What kind of bastard does the note through the fucking door at christmas?

HissymasJumper · 28/12/2013 11:13

When you're ready, of course.

Be prepared, this won't go away, if you ignore it, it gives him zero consequences, no deterrent to doing it again.

You will get angry, that's fine, normal and utterly necessary too. Please allow your emotions to flow, they need to be expressed.

This really is a big deal, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Original poster

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 11:16

We don't have children unfortunately, things never worked out that way. I just feel very sad and lost. At least I'm crying now which is good. I just feel sick and nervous.

OP posts:

HanselandGretel · 28/12/2013 11:23

I can understand you trying to protect him from your family's reaction...but this is about YOU now, what YOU need, what will get YOU through this. He has stepped away from the sanctity of your relationship and broken your trust, he is not the person you thought / think he is anymore.
Give yourself time to process all this, if you want him out of the house then you have every right to insist he goes, if you can't face making any decisions, then don't....you need time to get your head around this whatever way works for you.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 11:25

I feel like I want to protect him from my family which I know sounds crazy.

I don't think that's crazy, I think it's very common (and normal and loving). However, the problem is that it might make it very difficult for you to cope; it cuts off possible sources of support; and, when the anger comes it makes you look unreasonable to others.

waltermittymissus · 28/12/2013 11:26

What does he mean he tried to finish it?

So, not only has he shagged someone else behind your back but he hasn't even the decency to come completely clean?

You don't try to end it.

Your reaction is normal. But next you need to get very fucking angry.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 11:26

I agree with Hissy that if you've got a chance of keeping his respect and saving your relationship (if that's what you want in the long run) he has to experience what he's risked.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 11:27

(Grr, "risked losing").

Original poster

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 11:44

Thank you again everyone, your messages have helped so much. I'm going to go and blitz the house now, get rid of all the Christmas carp. I will come on here again later if that's ok, this has helped me immeasurably, thank you so much.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 11:47

Take care Nursey and "see you" later.

sarajane231 · 28/12/2013 12:12

I think that the fact that he toldyou honestly showed that he loves you and regrets it. If he had lied it would be far worse.

If you have no kids I would suggest finding one friend to confide in and perhaps gettinh away for a few days.

He does need consequences and you do need time to think and react once the shock is gone.

Just dont assume too much. I am sure he does love you very much and feels he has made a mistake. I am not defending him but I know many men as friends who have done things like this and genuinely regretted it.

I can totally understand the desire to protect him from your family....this is because you love him and you're obviously such a lovely person.

I am so sorry this has happenned to you. Its unfair how these moments come up where people make the wrong choice and it ruins lives.

waltermittymissus · 28/12/2013 12:18

He didn't tell her. He got caught. And it was half a confession.

MillyChristmas · 28/12/2013 12:21

Good idea. Blitz the house until its a shiny new pin then you will feel more in control. It is going to be hell for you at some point when it dawns on you exactly what he has been doing with her. BUT you will get through it eventually.

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