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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I reacting like this?

78 replies

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 10:34

So last night we arrived home from visiting DH's family to find a card pushed through our door telling me my DH has been having an affair. I showed him straight away and I laughed it off, thinking he had upset someone and they were trying to create trouble. When I got to bed, he closed the door and told me it was true. He has been shagging someone down the rugby club for the past month, 4 occasions, but tried to finish it 2 weeks ago. He's devastated, promises he will do anything to make things right, and swears he loves me and doesn't know why he did it.

I just don't understand my reaction. I have cried a little bit, and feel sad, but otherwise I am just numb. I don't want to talk about it and don't want to think about it or make any decisions. I just want to carry on and pretend it never happened. I don't even want to hurt my DH or make him suffer, I'm worried I am abnormal. It's been such a shock, my husband is far from perfect, but the one thing I thought I had was his complete and unconditional love for me.I always thought he loved me much more than I loved him, and I trusted him completely. I just don't understand my lack of reaction, it's almost like a paralysis.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurseySA · 29/12/2013 10:49

No laundry/cooking/sexual favours planned for him! I will keep posting sporadically as I've still not told anyone in RL, still feel I need to protect him for some reason, maybe that will change over the next few days. The house is nice and clean and calm now, so perfect essay writing conditions. Will check in later Smile

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 29/12/2013 11:15

I think it's understandable to want to protect him actually.

Maybe you're thinking if you get through this, you don't want him to be the man who cheated on you in the future?

I knew he was lying. That's not me being smug. They always lie to minimise it. Always.

The absolute best thing you could have done is kick him out. I would urge you to have NO contact. None. For at least a week.

He didn't fall into anything. He made a conscious decision to betray you. And you need space to even start to think about whether you want to find out why he did it and of you think he'll do it again. And, most of all, if you even want him around to give him the chance to!

I'm so sorry.

WinterBlondie83 · 30/12/2013 12:10

How are you today Nursey?

Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 15:31

Hi WinterBlondie and thank you for your concern. I wasn't going to post anymore as I think you'll all be mad with me! I feel awful still, but I really want him to come back home. I spoke to him this morning and he's coming back tomorrow. I really need to speak to him face-to-face and get some more answers. I also really want us to work things out. I am not making excuses for him, but we've had a difficult year with various events, and I want to try and work through this. He's not a bad person, he's a good person who has done a really bad thing. I just need to try.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/12/2013 15:47

I don't think anyone can be angry with you for any of that. And of course he's not a bad person. The bit that really stuck out for me was I just need to try because I think that this really has to be about him trying. Him coming up with the answers and ideas, him making an effort and him still trying when he's bored and resentful of trying and feels he's done enough by now.

tribpot · 30/12/2013 15:52

Nursey, there's lots of people on MN who have successfully repaired marriages after infidelity. Please do keep posting, you will get excellent advice.

I think various people have said above that the key thing is not to rush him back into the house but keep him out whilst you really process this event. Is he coming back tomorrow to talk or to stay?

How are you getting on with practical matters like having yourself tested for STIs? Has he been tested?

I would say the critical thing, as Vivacia says, is that this is his problem to solve. He has to work out how to win your trust again, how he respects your anger and hurt. This must come from him to be successful - you didn't break the marriage, you can't mend it.

Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 15:57

Hi Vivacia you are completely right. I don't intend to rollover and pretend nothing has happened. But we need to work on this together. I am still consumed with disbelief and a rumbling anger, and I desperately need to talk to him and see his reactions. I know this might not work out and I may never be able to forgive him, but I can't throw away what I thought was a good and happy marriage for the sake of his seedy affair with that awful woman. I really appreciate everybody on here being so kind and taking the time to talk to me when I've been at my lowest ever, it's truly been a lifesaver Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 16:03

Sorry tribpot I didn't see your post. I've not decided about him staying, I've just asked him to come over to talk. I will definitely arrange for us both to go for STI testing, unfortunately we were having unprotected sex during this whole period, so it's completely non-negotiable. As to anything else, I really don't know. Scenarios keep going through my head, I just need him here to talk.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 30/12/2013 16:04

The main question I'd have to ask him would be what would have happened next if you hadn't found out.

Good luck to you Nursey, it's not un-fixable, if that's what you both want. Please keep posting, though x

ParenthoodJourney · 30/12/2013 16:05

Wishing you the best of luck and strength OP hoping you guys can get through this and come out stronger and happier

Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 16:13

I will keep posting and let you all know how things work out, for better or worse! It's going to be a bumpy road no doubt x

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 16:20

Good luck Nursery.

Please don't make any decisions out of fear of the unknown!

Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 16:26

I wont waltermittymissus, I actually love being alone and am very self-sufficient, it's just the break-up that scares me. I just need to get some answers and move on. It's so funny, I have been on this forum all day following the thread about telling the other man that his wife has been unfaithful. I was always in the camp on remaining dignified and keeping quiet, but right now all I can think about is revenge! If nothing else MN is at least keeping my revenge fantasies reigned in for now!

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 16:30

Oh the temptation is huge, isn't it!

But don't even give it head space. At least not right now. Right now you need to concentrate on you.

Don't let him make this about him. He'll try to garner your sympathy. He'll paint himself as a pathetic victim of circumstance. He'll use those difficulties you've mentioned from this year as his excuse.

But remember, YOU'VE had difficulties too and YOU managed not to betray the one person in the world you're supposed to never hurt.

I'm not saying don't move on from this. I'm not saying you can't move on from this. Plenty do.

Just, right now, make decisions for YOU and you alone.

Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 16:38

I promise I will take all the advice I have been given on here and make any decisions at my own pace. Thank you so much for your help and concern, you have all been ace.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 16:50

Best of luck! And keep posting for support, no matter what you decide! Flowers

Christmascandles · 30/12/2013 17:24

Hi Nursey, I've just caught up with your thread and I'm so sorry that my earlier predictions came true Hmm

No one will think you stupid for allowing him to come back after a short period away. Remember a lot of us have walked this path before you. Shock

Revenge, oh yes revenge.... I have been tempted I can assure you, but I remember reading on here once that if you go down the revenge route then you need to dig two graves, and that has always stuck in my mind. Hence I've never done anything.....

When you talk to him remember that he will more than likely continue to drip feed and minimise. When you ask him a question there will be silence. Do not be tempted to talk, to fill this silence. Just remain quiet and let him talk.

Thinking of you and keep talking to us Thanks

Vivacia · 30/12/2013 17:58

unfortunately we were having unprotected sex during this whole period, so it's completely non-negotiable

Grrr, I feel so angry on your behalf. I read this and thought that's it's not exactly "unlucky". He knowingly risked your sexual health in this way. He knowingly took that decision away from you.

Does the OW have a partner then? Seems strange that she would risk you telling her partner with her poison pen letter. Unless she didn't realise your partner would identify her?

Original poster
NurseySA · 30/12/2013 18:12

Yes Vivacia, the OW has a husband who she is allegedly leaving in the New Year. I think she was hoping to make my husband flee into her arms after he told her it was over. She didn't identify herself in her lovely card, it was all anonymous, but he told me straight away who she was.
At this moment in time I can't imagine having sex with my husband ever again (sorry, can't bring myself to type DH at this time!), but the STI testing will have to be done in the New Year I guess, what fun!

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 30/12/2013 19:09

I am one of the few whose marriage was repaired after my DH's affair - OW was also someone we both knew socially. In order for things to work the following needs to take place:

He has to do all the work in helping you recover and this includes total transparency - phones, emails etc.

He needs to work out what was in him that permitted the affair, usually traits such as selfishness, sense of entitlement etc and then he has to work on these flaws.

He needs to be honest and willing to answer all your questions - over and over again.

I second the recommendation for Not Just Friends by Glass - he needs to read this as well.

As for OW looking plain - it shows that the affair was all about boosting his ego, nothing to do with not being happy with you.

Original poster
NurseySA · 02/01/2014 21:12

Hi all, just a quick update. He came home on NYE, we actually ended up having a few friends come over and had a nice evening. Things between us are strange, eerily calm! We have talked a bit about what happened, and he has given specific answers to all my questions. I have talked a lot about the evening he persuaded me to go over to her house for dinner, and how this sticks in my gut as the most humiliating aspect of the whole affair. Basically everyone who was there that evening, apart from me and her husband, knew they were shagging. The level of deceit and selfishness involved for them both to do this to me is just too much for me to work out.
However a lot of the time things are normal. We went out shopping/browsing today together and had a nice drive into London. I haven't cried since NYE, just need to talk about details a lot. He went for STI testing on NYE before he came home. He has been doing more around the house than usual. Has agreed to never step foot in the rugby club again, which to him is a huge sacrifice as he bloody loves the place, we even had our wedding reception there.
Tried to talk about our relationship and what I had done to precipitate this, but he wouldn't, said it was nothing I had done and it was all his fault. This year he gave up drinking, his relationship with alcohol has always been troubled, and he was a huge binger. It transpires now that he replaced alcohol with cocaine, and he was doing a lot with her. He is not blaming the cocaine, but he feels it changed his behavior and lowered his inhibitions. Ironically if I hadn't encouraged him to cut out the alcohol maybe none of this would have happened.
I can see that I am a lot more withdrawn than usual and introspective which is my default setting when things are hard. I still haven't told anyone in RL although I did text a work friend today and she's being very sweet, will call her when the time is right. Today was the first time I have been out the house, I have felt very anxious about being out, don't know why, but it was ok today and I know now I will be fine. I haven't decided what I'm going to do next, just bumbling along and trying to work it out. I still love him, just don't know if I can forgive his behavior.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 02/01/2014 21:25

You won't know if you can forgive his behaviour yet - it will take months and a lot of hard work on his part. Don't make any long term decisions.

He is right that there is probably nothing in the marriage that would have led to the affair. Affairs are all about the cheater's coping mechanisms, flaws and beliefs.

It seems he has a lot of issues if he is a boozer and a drug user. Is he going to seek help?

The dinner at OW sounds really awful Sad I hope you are dropping these so called friends.

Original poster
NurseySA · 02/01/2014 21:34

MadAboutHotChoc they were all his friends from rugby, nothing really to do with me, but they are off my list! He has demons definitely, I am going to insist on him seeking help. The cocaine was a very new thing, I knew he'd dabbled in the past but had no idea he had been using nearly every weekend. He's a very extreme person, nothing can ever be done in moderation and he is a huge risk taker, we're poles apart personality-wise.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 03/01/2014 08:42

If I were you, I would not insist on him getting help - he needs to take responsibility and do all this himself.

You need to focus on yourself and on rebuilding yourself, investing in your own life eg work, hobbies, friends etc.

Logg1e · 03/01/2014 08:57

Ironically if I hadn't encouraged him to cut out the alcohol maybe none of this would have happened.

No, no, no don't even consider for a moment, even jokingly, that any of this is caused by you.