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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why am I reacting like this?

78 replies

NurseySA · 28/12/2013 10:34

So last night we arrived home from visiting DH's family to find a card pushed through our door telling me my DH has been having an affair. I showed him straight away and I laughed it off, thinking he had upset someone and they were trying to create trouble. When I got to bed, he closed the door and told me it was true. He has been shagging someone down the rugby club for the past month, 4 occasions, but tried to finish it 2 weeks ago. He's devastated, promises he will do anything to make things right, and swears he loves me and doesn't know why he did it.

I just don't understand my reaction. I have cried a little bit, and feel sad, but otherwise I am just numb. I don't want to talk about it and don't want to think about it or make any decisions. I just want to carry on and pretend it never happened. I don't even want to hurt my DH or make him suffer, I'm worried I am abnormal. It's been such a shock, my husband is far from perfect, but the one thing I thought I had was his complete and unconditional love for me.I always thought he loved me much more than I loved him, and I trusted him completely. I just don't understand my lack of reaction, it's almost like a paralysis.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 12:42

I think that the fact that he told you honestly...

That isn't a fact because he didn't say anything until she'd already been told. I bet there's more to come out too.

... showed that he loves you and regrets it.

Telling someone you've had sex with someone else 4 times is not how you show love. He sounds relieved that having to keep a secret is over not that he regrets it in the first place.

There's still a lot to come out - the risk of STDs, a thousand little lies, the little niggles which suddenly make sense...

oldgrandmama · 28/12/2013 12:48

Agree with the other posters - you are in total shock at the moment ... numb and incapable of rational thought. This will change ... when the shock wears off, you'll begin to think rationally of where you go now.

GreenShadow · 28/12/2013 12:53

Of course you shouldn't automatically ask him to go.
An affair, especially one this short, isn't necessarily the end of a marriage.
Yes, it'll change the dynamics of the relationship, but you can work things out if you both want to.

Good Luck Nursey.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 13:03

GreenShadow what do you think of the school of thought that if he isn't asked to leave, it doesn't give her the time and space to think? That she needs a break from how he feels and what he thinks (and washing his dirty underpants).

How do you see the dynamics changing?

Shitballs · 28/12/2013 14:37

We have no details on the type if affair this is. What a strange thing to say...

Original poster

NurseySA · 29/12/2013 02:06

I'm not expecting any replies, but couldn't sleep! He's told me more as the day has gone on. The affair with her has been going on since August and he had sex with her 7 times now, last time 2 weeks ago. He met up with her yesterday morning before we drove to his parents, and told her it was over, so obviously it was her who out the card through my door. Been feeling sick and nervous all day, but now I'm angry. All the lies and deceits over this time are just mind blowing. He even took me round to her house a couple of months ago for dinner ffs.
Right now I fucking hate the pair of them and have just been laying in bed fantasizing about how to hurt them both. He just has completely broken everything I thought we had, just to have sex with some thick as mince, hard-faced cow. When we went to her house for dinner I remember a couple of little digs she had at me, one for my smoking, and the other for me not liking sport or rugby. For some reason this is making me even more livid! I spent the whole night there admiring her stupid kitchen and cooing over her rude child, and I hate her for it!

OP posts:

sparklysilversequins · 29/12/2013 02:13

He took you to his OW house for dinner?

I cannot see a way you can possibly continue with this man. It is utterly disrespectful. You sat there and ate her food while the two of them knew they were sleeping together. It's one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard.

Original poster

NurseySA · 29/12/2013 02:20

I know, it's awful. I'm going to ask him to leave tomorrow and I'll just have to deal with all of this.

OP posts:

PassAFist · 29/12/2013 02:22

Jesus Christ, he took you to her house for dinner?! I would be absolutely livid now and kick him out - right now! Just, wow! How fucking nervy of both of them!

Rosencrantz · 29/12/2013 02:41

Kick him out for a while, you need your space and he needs to understand the gravity of the situation whilst you collect your thoughts.

Best of luck OP, whatever choice you make in the end. Don't feel rushed, take your time to rebuild trust or call it a day.

MillyRules · 29/12/2013 03:02

Nursery I'm sorry, this is so awful for you. It's like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Try and sleep, you need it.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 29/12/2013 03:05

Op just sort of place marking for now (I'll be honest) but hope I can sort of help you.
Your situation almost identical to mine, almost five years ago, right up to him inviting ow to my house for a cup of tea
It's to throw you off the scent. After all, if he's open about them being 'friends' then you won't suspect any funny business, right?
I know you're feeling sick and want to scream. You probably will want to batter him if he's lying there asleep while lying next to him you are breaking your heart and crying.

My honest advice which I wish I had done in hindsight would be to chuck him out and go no contact .. He will probably want to cling to you and bombard you with apologies all the while minimising what he's done.
The only way (and this comes from a forgiver) is to be kind to yourself and create space to breathe, think, get angry.
I got a book called not just friends, recommended on here often and it was extremely helpful (brought in Amazon) Lundy something the author is I believe,
So sorry op what a complete bell end he is

mrsspagbol · 29/12/2013 05:51

So sorry this has happened OP. I honestly cant imagine what you must be going through but I just wanted to say I am so very sorry your husband has been SUCH a shit

feelingvunerable · 29/12/2013 06:05

What a crap situation for you op.

Kick him out. Please tell a friend in rl, they will not judge you. You need someone who knows you well to help you through this.

Remember that your dh is a liar and will lie through his teeth to get what he wants. Right now he will try and cling on to his marriage, the ow has probably told him to piss off, not the other way around. He has been having his cake and eating it, now the bit on the side has gone so of course he still wants good old wifey.

Listen to advice thousands of other women have been through the same disgusting episode as you.

Think of your own well being from now on.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 06:20

I am always wary of profuse apologies and declarations of remorse and love after they've been found out.

I think as it as only a very short-lived thing there is a good chance you can come through this and save the relationship, but you have to be prepared for your reactions to change over time and for lots of anger and confusion and pain to kick in later, once the shock has worn off. Your numb reaction now will not last forever, and he needs to be prepared to put up with flack from you next month, next year, or even in five years time if need be. It won't be easy.

However, it's easy for him to say it only happened 4 times and he tried to end it, (whatever the hell that means) but that is what people always say after they've been found out. You might want to consider speaking to the OW and getting her side of the story to see if it matches up with what he is telling you. Do it without him knowing, and do it asap so he can't get to her first and prep her.

Don't rage at her or get emotional. Stay calm and dignified, and rather dismissive of her, as though she's not actually that important in all of this, but ask tell her that now you know the least she can do is to tell you exactly what has gone on so you can decide where you want to go from here.

If he is lying to cover his own arse then you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 07:34

Oh god, no, don't go to the ow for facts.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 07:42

Why not? Saying that, I am pretty non-confrontational, but I would really want to know whether he was pulling the wool over my eyes about the extent of it and whether or not he 'tried' to end it. Although how you 'try' to end a sordid short-lived fling, I really have no idea.

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 08:03

This is the book mentioned upthread: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

Your feelings are totally normal, expected and necessary for you to heal, every one of them is valid.

Thinking of you. There will probably be more info to come

I'm so sorry :(

tribpot · 29/12/2013 08:15

Oh OP. The breathtaking cruelty of taking you to her house. Frankly, of having an affair with someone you know at all (did you know that when you first posted? I had assumed a complete stranger).

Time to go nuclear in my opinion, tell your family, tell his family. Tell your friends. Reach out and accept real life support - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 08:55

OK, sorry didn't see the post from Nursey where she says her H has told her more in depth info. It sounds as though he is being honest about the extent of it, so probably no need to speak to the OW, especially as it would appear to be her who put the letter through the door. i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of becoming a key part in whatever happens next, as that's clearly what she wants.

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 09:00

SoWhatDoWeDoNow I'm one for confronting, but not aggression. However, I wouldn't advise talking to the OW because

She'll have her own agenda
She may use the opportunity to cause me even more hurt or humiliation.
How reliable would any "information" be from her?
I think this is between me and my 'partner'. It doesn't involve her.

tribpot · 29/12/2013 09:19

It sounds as though he is being honest about the extent of it

Except in 24 hours he's already told two different stories:

lasted a month, happened 4 times, tried to finish it 2 weeks ago
lasted since August, happened 7 times, tried to finish it day before yesterday

Maybe this second story is true, maybe it isn't. I would suspect he has had some contact with the OW yesterday and she is threatening to tell a different story, so he modified his to match. Who knows what today will bring, unfortunately.

ParenthoodJourney · 29/12/2013 09:52

Nursery I feel your pain, I'm so sorry you are going through this

A similar thing happened to me when I received a message on Facebook from a girl saying the same thing. I also laughed it off, DP then admitted it. Turned out to be a friend of mine, and it went from just the 'once' to quite regularly for a few months. I was utterly heartbroken and numb I couldn't get out of bed! It's grief, everything you believed was true and life seems a lie and you have lost something.

But like you, I also didn't want DP to suffer. It was obvious it was hurting him and she had come forward when he had tried to stop it. What he did was awful and I've bumped into the lady a couple of times who used to cry on my shoulder about her own DP which stabs me in the heart each time. But I think the fact that he had done something so awful to me, and I still didn't want him to be hurting showed how much I really loved him.

Very long story short we worked things out, we worked through a very difficult time and came out stronger. We are 3 years on now, and I can almost say I'm thankful it really made us look at our relationship and put ourselves in each others shoes and really work at it - we know each other better than ever now, and we love each other more than we did and we got through something very difficult together - I haven't forgotten but I have forgiven. We do have a DS though and I'm not sure if we would have tried so hard if we didn't I probably would have walked away, I don't know.

I know the reaction is men who do this are heartless arseholes and we should throw them out - and I understand this reaction - but if there is something worth fighting for, and it was truly a mistake and it can be spoke about and you think in time you can forgive and trust - then my way of thinking was what have I got to lose that I haven't already lost.

It worked for us, but every scenario is different and I wish you all the best.

I wouldn't speak to the other girl in my opinion. This is a situation where you won't know who is speaking the truth and just need to step away from it all to give yourself some space - maybe get away for a few days if you are able to.
X

Original poster

NurseySA · 29/12/2013 10:20

Thanks everyone for your messages of support. After I posted on here last night we had another long talk. He's now gone to stay with a friend and is giving me some space. He hasn't really got any answers except he kind of fell into this situation and then couldn't get out, which I know is a pathetic excuse. He swears he wants nothing to do with her, even if we split up he will not go to her. I was looking at a photo of her last night on the rugby club website and I swear, she is just so plain and manly looking, I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse!! Today I am going to crack on with an essay I need to do for a course I'm on at the moment, throw all my nervous energy into something constructive. I really appreciate you all taking time to answer me and tell me your stories, you're all so kind.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 10:41

I hope you keep posting Nursey and I hope that you manage to get some "space" away from it all by focusing on your essay today.

(Please tell me you won't be doing his laundry).

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