Can mixed class marriages work?

[Woolmark]

Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 DC. We are from very different social backgrounds and while at first it was good and made it more of a novelty, it's now beginning to grate. There are such massive cultural differences and expectations. I'm assuming this is as we both age and become more like our respective parents... So I'm wondering, how often do things work out well for people in mixed class relationships?

I suppose it depends how much you care about class.

Might need a bit more detail on the actual dynamics?

Which side of the fence are you wooly? Are you middle class and he working class? What differences are grating? I'm in similar situation but doing ok on that front, others drive me mental but that bit it ok.

It's the cultural differences which come with it which cause problems for us. There are big cultural differences which we didn't really notice/care about before settling down and having children.

So which of you thinks you're better than the other?

Have we gone back in time? I don't know of anyone who this would possibly be a problem for. Even Prince William married a commoner.

Umm, I don't think either of us thinking we are better than the other has anything to do with it.

Did he used to be your butler or did you used to be his maid?

i don't have a degree my husband does
it did bother me that i wasn't academic
I have had to start lowering my expectations of being a sexy working mum it's just not me
Its taken me a while but I'm getting there.
maybe talking through your expectations might help I think otherwise it does leave resentment.

Surely the same argument could be applied to any differences in background?

Personally I think it is tosh, but then our family is made up of multiple nationalities (and therefore a mix of cultural backgrounds).

Is it his ferrets and flat cap that are the problem?

it depends on your expectations
ie boarding school vs state school/ private school

a nanny vs doing it all yourself

the point is you need to talk about your expectations to make it work

Prior to kids did you discuss expectation,preferences,school.the core beliefs you both have
Is it class or are you simply growing apart?

It's not so much financial expectations, he has a degree I don't, he has a good job, I'm a SAHM, we're both happy with that.

It's more that as we are getting older we are both becoming more like our parents and drawing on our experiences for child rearing, lifestyle & working at our relationship. No one's at fault here.

So what you want. To do?

I'm in this situation too. I never ever considered it to be a problem, til we had children! You have to compromise lots... For example, the way we teach our children table manners, holiday destinations, even Christmas traditions are all different.

Are people really denying that there are class-based differences in cultural norms and expectations in the UK, beyond glib references to ferrets and flat caps? If so you are living in a different country to the one I know! No experience op, except to commiserate at disingenuous responses so far.

I think many marriages have issues after you are a few years in and have had children.

I have thie class difference to a slight extent. DHs family have always had money and I feel he spoils the children materially. I feel growing up poor was a great motivator and I also slightly despise (sorry!!) people who just don't understand poverty UK style; they do grate my carrot! Having said that I am protecting my kids from the tough environment and crime that I experienced growing upand contributing to their living in a bubble. Gah!

By class do you mean cultural differences or just plain old working vs middle class type of thing?

DH and I from very different backgrounds both class wise and culturally but we generally manage to muddle along. He gets v frustrated at times by our v middle class lifestyle and friends whilst I, the foreigner, am quite comfy with all sorts as I was not brought up here with all the class preconceptions that entails.

Take out class and think beliefs, values, morals, standards they're the crux of it surely?

Well, they can, if you can let go some of the stuff you thought was important. For example, it is more important that I am with dh (working class) than that my children say are not exposed to the word 'settee'.
Some of this grates - loo, sofa, we were etc are all the way I want them to speak. I am putting aside the mild irritation at toilet, settee and we was for the bigger picture.

Can you give an example, has something made you think about this more over Christmas? Are your backgrounds very different? Sometimes that can feel poles apart but are often not too far? Like someone said up the thread, is it private school versus state? Or different expectations on something else?

What are the actual differences, that you've encountered?

What sort of things? Examples?

DH and I have different upbringings but fundamentally we agree on parenting strategies which helps. However I can't think of at major differences that have caused conflict between us.