Can mixed class marriages work?

[Woolmark]

Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 DC. We are from very different social backgrounds and while at first it was good and made it more of a novelty, it's now beginning to grate. There are such massive cultural differences and expectations. I'm assuming this is as we both age and become more like our respective parents... So I'm wondering, how often do things work out well for people in mixed class relationships?

DH and I come from different social backgrounds. There are pros and cons of both. We respect each other, but social differences do crop up and then we either discuss it or tease each other. Neither of us necessarily agree that the way our parents did things were right, so we are working out our own way of doing things. I think the secret lies in being honest with each other and recognising that neither of you is better than the other (although I do hold my knife and fork better ).

My dp and I had diametrically opposed upbringings,but we are similar in drive,outlook
Pre-kids every couple needs to have the big discussion,about work,schooling,values

I think it can work. DH and I are from very different social backgrounds. There are times when things he does or assumes grate on me and I'm sure the reverse is also true. But we do OK I think - it helps that we aren't precious about it and often talk about class and the cultural differences between us, without assuming that one way is better than the other and working on the assumption that we'll come up with a composite approach that has something of both of us.

It's all about the compromise to make any relationship work, and that's on both sides.
The class thing is really a bit of a red herring. People will always have different opinions on things.
The main thing is to keep talking so problems can be worked through. That also means keep listening to each other as well.
Depends how much you love each other I guess.

Ok, I'll lay it on the line.

He will stick the DC in front of the TV all day and buy them DVD's. I tend to take them on walks/out of the house doesn't matter where, read to them & buy them books. (Our respective parents do the same)

He is quite happy to drink can after can of lager in front of the TV in silence at the weekend and spend Sat/Sun with a hangover. I'll have a glass of wine and want to talk (again, our parents are the same).

He'll swear in front of the DC and has no time for their ideas or feelings (his Dad's the same)

He thinks they should learn boxing. I would rather they didn't.

He gets really annoyed with me for being so 'posh' and puts me down for it.

If we go out he binge drinks (his parents still do) and I think he should have grown out of it by now.

I'd like to go to the theater or opera once in a while, (or just do something different) but he thinks it's 'shit'.

Those are not class issues. He just sounds lazy! I'm the lower class of the two and wouldn't stick the tv on, drink lager etc!!!

Being an oaf is not class specific.

It can work....back in the days before the 'creation' of the middle class my ILs married. FIL very much upper class (in fact still doesn't recognise that middle class exists - you're either upper or 'other') and MIL real working class.

Still very much in love and together after 40+ years, but it has been hard. PILs parents never ever accepted my MIL as she was beneath them. Though her parents accepted him without hesitance. Issues such as boarding school she deferred to his thinking so the children were in boarding school from a young age (below 10) and I know she has always regretted that.

Ignore the glib comments above - the cultural digferences between class can be as great as between other sections of society, such as religion, nationality etc. All such differences require understanding and compromise, often about things you never realised would be an issue until you face them.

Is it really a class thing or a differences in personality and expectations. Unless you have somebody from the landed gentry marrying someone from a council estate I dont see the working class being that different from the lower middle class however people might like to think otherwise. My DH had a very middle middle class upbringing but it was all done on borrowed money and debt. His parents are in a very perilous position now they are coming to retirement

That's not class,he's an indifferent can't be arsed dad who boozes too much
Not all working class parents have those attributes
You're mistaking his boorish behaviour for his class background

And you've been together 8 years! I think you need to have a discussion about your relationship.

Hmm, sounds like your parenting style is different, op - not necessarily a class issue, although I can see that it could be. And he doesn't respect you, which is a major issue . Maybe he thinks you look down on him?

He's definitely not lazy or stupid. He's really intelligent but has just had a very different upbringing. He works like a trojan at work, but then so do his parents.

Sorry but they are not class issues

Unless you think all WC people are the same as him

Oh, was typing out my reply whilst you gave further details. Agree with scottismummy - that is not a class issue.

Op those examples are attitudinal,and behavioural not class
My upbringing was working class,in scheme.my parents would never have behaved like him
When was all this apparent?1st child,or as they got older. Were you ever compatible?

I agree with thornrose, beliefs, values, morals and standards are where you differ.

Agree that that's nothing to do with class - it isn't even entirely down to upbringing, because plenty of people who were badly parented themselves go on to become great parents. It's maybe harder to do a good job, because you have no example to follow, but it's doable.

DH and I come from very different backgrounds - but we both had parents who wanted the best for us and who worked hard to spend quality time with us.

This has to do with him being lazy and self-centred.

We have "class" issues about unimportant matters . like what you call things- but our values and attitudes are similar. Otherwise we would not be raising children together....

Wow! I was going to echo Quietly, but then reflected for a moment on my own relationship. We're from very different backgrounds, and whereas class has never really featured much in my thinking, being from a country which doesn't have such a peculiar preoccupation with social class, I know it has concerned friends and relatives here. DP jokingly refers to himself as trailer trash done good, having been brought up by a single mother in a static caravan, very much on the bread line and the margins of society. My family background is unremarkable in my country, educated socialist self-employed sums it up. What our backgrounds have in common is a love of learning and the idea of betterment through education. We have had differences in terms of expectation, I suppose. On some subconscious level, DP still can't quite believe he can have the things we have achieved and still aspire to, whereas I see no limit to or restriction on what I might do or acquire, if I put my mind to it. We both work hard and have a shared vision for our future, but he needs more encouragement to believe that it might actually happen and that he deserves it. So for us it may not be class as such but more a question of how early experiences and lack / availability of opportunity shapes a person's expectations. Not sure if this is helpful or not, perhaps more of a musing.

"He's definitely not lazy or stupid." - but look at what you've written. An intelligent man would work out that binge-drinking, swearing and endless DVD watching is maybe not what he could be doing for the best in terms of parenting. An intelligent man would have the imagination to be able to deviate from the norm - from how he was brought up. Or is he intelligent enough that he knows that, and doesn't care?

Oh op, this sounds grim for you.

What a loser. Do consider divorce. I thought it would be horrible but it was the best thing for this family.

Some of how he is reflects his class but not all of it. Can't you just tell him to adopt your value or he's out on his ear? Yours are the better values.

It doesn't sound like your issues have anything to do with class, and everything to do with the family dynamics you grew up with.

You could try finding a parenting course for you both to attend - so you can try and find some new ways of parenting together (and breakdown some of those age old habits and assumptions). Do you think he is open to changing things if it improves the way your relationship works, or is he not bothered?

I think it's more as we've got older.

He was raised on a really rough estate, his Mum gave him cola in his bottle and he had rotten front teeth until he was 8. Him and the other kids on his estate would roam around until all hours and his Mum would have drunken parties most nights of the week and he spent a lot of his childhood in pubs. He even said his mum's friends would give him shots when he was about 10 years old.

This said he is a world away from her (and his Dad's side who aren't much better) but some of the attitudes remain.

My mum comes from a working class background but her family are completely different to his.