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Original poster

Can mixed class marriages work?

92 replies

Woolmark · 27/12/2013 19:58

Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 DC. We are from very different social backgrounds and while at first it was good and made it more of a novelty, it's now beginning to grate. There are such massive cultural differences and expectations. I'm assuming this is as we both age and become more like our respective parents... So I'm wondering, how often do things work out well for people in mixed class relationships?

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 27/12/2013 20:40

he sounds like a lazy parent, even if he isn't lazy about other things. Clearly, as it sounds like he has done well in life, he doesn't think those things are an issue, and perhaps they aren't. If things are mixed up enough (some days are TV days, others are out-and-about days) it should work out fine. But belittling you for your background and values isn't on.

Sounds like you need a good long chat about things.

haveyourselfashandy · 27/12/2013 20:40

What class do you think your partner is woolmark? I'm working class and I do non of those things you describe sooo...

thornrose · 27/12/2013 20:41

Peaceful We both work hard and have a shared vision for our future, but he needs more encouragement to believe that it might actually happen and that he deserves it. So for us it may not be class as such but more a question of how early experiences and lack / availability of opportunity shapes a person's expectations.

What a great post.

Original poster
Woolmark · 27/12/2013 20:42

He left school without GCSE's but after we got together went back to uni and got a first. He's done really well professionally too so he's come a long way from where he started.

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 27/12/2013 20:42

Oh yes. My DH is very common.

Hawkmoth · 27/12/2013 20:43

Now will RTFT...

Winterbluessummersoonish · 27/12/2013 20:43

They are not class issues, I have a wide range of friends that are parents, working class, very middle and a few that are genuine upper and they all take their children on walks, go to the theatre, use CBBC for childcare - the class divides are much more subtle when it comes to the children, but having the TV on all day, not wanting to go out to the theatre or Opera with you, these are relationship issues not class. He may not know how to parent? He may need some ideas and you may have to take the lead? Join the national trust go as a family, show him how fun being outside can be. Make a treasure map tomorrow and all go for a walk. And if you want to go to the opera, go with girlfriends. Or take him to a theatre show he would enjoy.

Loopylouu · 27/12/2013 20:44

I have noticed the same thing.

Dh and I have vastly different views on life, from holiday destinations to Christmas, family expectations, sports etc.

E.g, on holiday I like to travel independently to see the world and learn about different cultures. His idea of a holiday is getting drunk in a caravan in the uk for a week...we have learned to compromise though.

scottishmummy · 27/12/2013 20:45

He's uni educated,in professional job,he isn't working class then
The professional job,uni education give him choice,oppurtunity,protection
A working class man doesn't have professional privilege that your do has

Original poster
Woolmark · 27/12/2013 20:46

I would say he comes from a underclass background, but is now working/middle class? Who knows. I think his parents would likely be considered 'underclass' though.

OP posts:
Snapperz · 27/12/2013 20:47

Have you tried talking and compromising over these things? I expect his attitude will be that children are best left to learn for themselves, like he did, and will work out fine. If you are communicating properly you could work out a happy medium, but it sounds like you're not, or rather he's not?

scottishmummy · 27/12/2013 20:47

You're confused,he's not working class.he middle class can't be arsed dad

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 27/12/2013 20:47

Um, they are kind of class issues.

The idea of joining the national trust would have been hilarious to my family. We were telly watchers extraordinaire.

Clunch · 27/12/2013 20:48

Agree with whoever said upthread that being an oaf isn't class-specific. My husband and I are working class, but neither of us would think that the behaviours you describe are normal or desirable. Neither do I go about aping middle-class norms of speech or parenting, on the other hand. I can't get excited about shibboleths like 'pardon' or 'settee'.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who sounds as if he has an alcohol problem and a total lack of interest in your children? And who never seems to talk to you?

Winterbluessummersoonish · 27/12/2013 20:51

Joining the national trust was just a suggestion for the family now, not about the parents as children, but a suggestion to try and encourage/help offer outing ideas, NT may not be right, but finding something similar to go to in the local area, as a family may help when your OH parents the children alone.

Winterbluessummersoonish · 27/12/2013 20:53

If he is making you unhappy and no effort to parent together, then you need to have a serious chat together. Is he open to changing?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 27/12/2013 20:54

Mm, maybe he's been letting his background be an excuse for being crap - and maybe you've been inclined to let him.

You don't need to.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 27/12/2013 20:54

I think his behaviour is more a relic of his dysfunctional upbringing than anything to do with class, to be honest. He's overcome a lot, but that doesn't mean he is now allowed to hang on to the rest of his bad habits - he does sound as if he feels his parental responsibilities end with him bringing home a big pay packet. I would not put up with it, but I wouldn't put it down to class.

DH and I definitely come from different social backgrounds - his parents were very working class with his mum a SAHM, mine both middle class - my mum a teacher, my dad a university lecturer. I have a degree, he doesn't. That has not however been the main source of trouble in our relationship - the main issue we've had has always been around parenting. He was brought up in a very 1950s model, my parents were very liberal 70s types. We've really had to work at it to make a go of it and we have both had to make changes and reassess what we believed, but it has worked and both of us are better people for it.

BitOfFunWithSanta · 27/12/2013 20:55

I'm not convinced it's a class issue either- plenty of working class families value education and hate sitting on their arse all weekend. And how many middle class fathers on here drink too much and prefer their playstations to family days out? Plenty that I've noticed.

People can be different in their attitudes and personalities without it having anything to do with class.

SaltySeaBird · 27/12/2013 20:55

Hmm well me and my DH are from very different backgrounds. You could say I was brought up in a very posh environment. My DH was the opposite.

We've been together approaching 14 years, it has honestly never been an issue. He fits in with my family, I fit in with his - both families are very different, both are lovely.

DH works hard and definitely appreciates what you might say are higher end products, not sure if that's my influence.

However he is equally happy going going to watch football and having a few beers as he is going to the theatre or a posh restaurant and appreciating a nice wine. He is pretty classless and gets on with people from all walks of life.

I really never see class issues. It is personality and differences in taste / parenting styles being attributed to class.

KouignAmann · 27/12/2013 20:55

I live with a working class DP and he does none of those things OP. Your DH sounds like he is over involved with alcohol if not actually a functioning alcoholic. The rest is part of a spectrum of attitude to education with you at one end and him at the other. Neither is wrong just different.

The crux of this is whether he will discuss things with you, and compromise, or whether he believes he is right. Can you talk things over or does he get defensive?

Original poster
Woolmark · 27/12/2013 20:56

I just feel like giving the kids new experiences, buying them books and coming up with ideas on where to go/what to do/how to behave is all down to me. I guess he doesn't have much to draw on given his upbringing but it just gets so tiring having to be the inspiration.

He is a good Dad, the children adore him and rather enjoy sitting watching TV all day. This is how he was brought up too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woolmark · 27/12/2013 20:56

He doesn't drink everyday, just weekends but he comes from a family with alcohol problems.

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scottishmummy · 27/12/2013 20:57

You're getting defensive,you said he's not a good dad?

Original poster
Woolmark · 27/12/2013 20:58

The rest is part of a spectrum of attitude to education with you at one end and him at the other. Neither is wrong just different.

The funny thing is he has a degree and I don't, although I do value education more than he does Confused

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