Can mixed class marriages work?

[Woolmark]

Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have 3 DC. We are from very different social backgrounds and while at first it was good and made it more of a novelty, it's now beginning to grate. There are such massive cultural differences and expectations. I'm assuming this is as we both age and become more like our respective parents... So I'm wondering, how often do things work out well for people in mixed class relationships?

I'm just trying to give the whole picture, reading it back it does make him sound worse than he is in RL.

But if went and got a degree he must value education

I persuaded him to go to uni as he is very intelligent and I knew he would do well. He won a scholarship to a fantastic public school as a child but his mum wasn't bothered if he went or not, so he didn't go.

Children tend to love their parents no matter what. Sometimes to a heartbreaking degree. They cling to whatever scraps of affection they can get, and want to be around them, whether that's in the pub or on a country walk.

Their affection for him doesn't 'prove' he's worthy of it and a 'good dad' if he's as lazy and detached as he sounds.

Woolmark, I have to agree with you. My dp is from the same part of the country as me, but from a different social class. It didn't cause a problem, until we had children. Those who say, it's not to do with class, but just different upbringings are wrong. From teaching our children table manners, to holiday destinations, to our children's future jobs /careers, we have completely different ideas.

It still just strikes me as different interests rather than class. My very working class DH loves going to museums and heritage sites, we discuss art and music, and yes we are National Trust members . He grew up to love books because his dad worked in a book depot and was allowed to take home anything slightly crumpled for his children. We have more in common than not.

Can't read all replies but sounds like he was a bit neglected and that is what he is doing with your dc, he grew up with problems in his family and is making the same problems in your family. I would find what you describe difficult to live with.

Interesting as some of those differences resonate in my relationship too. My husband is very intelligent and highly educated plus values education but will still resort to tv/DVDs quite a lot, does the no speaking if we are watching tv together thing, swears more and is stricter with our son than I am. These traits do come from his parents. He also came from a more traditional family-mother does housework even if working and father is breadwinner. Thought that these are the 'correct' roles. Whilst he does not fully buy into this, the behaviour does slip back in. My mum also did most in the house but it was more situational than 'that is your role, bring me a drink I'm thirsty'. I think it can work but as with any noticeable differences ,it makes it harder.

Yeah very much so. My mixed class relationships have worked very well. I upped when I went to a very good university for a working class girl. My lifestyle was very similar to everyone else by the time we had graduated - I even voted Tory at 20 - so I'm not sure that I'm the best example.

Yes, he and his family certainly have a much more traditional view of his role as a husband & father than my family and I do.

My parents have a mixed-class marriage, and on the whole it has worked well for them... mainly because my father is too much of a gentleman to ever comment on my mother's behaviour/mannerisms!

I think it is easier to have a relationship with someone who has a similar background as you. Because of where we went to university and later worked, DH and I have spent much of our life in quite privelidged circles and have both dated our fair share of posh people - in both of our cases it didn't work . I am sure there was more to it than class or backgrounds but I suspect it was a factor .

We both come from very poor quite dysfunctional backgrounds and therefore we just get each other, in a way that someone from a different background just wouldn't.

We have the same memory bank and experiences that have shaped who we are today.

Because we have both come from such difficult backgrounds we are both very passionate about equality and social justice - again someone from a different background may not get that. Am not saying you can't be middle class and have a social conscience but we gave both gone hungry , both visited parents in prison , both been ridiculed for our accents or lack of manners and both lost people to drink, poverty or drugs. That kind of shit binds you together .

I do think that shared values are the most important , however often those values are informed by your childhood.

Have read the later posts , this is not about your husband being working class- or coming from a working class background - it is about him not putting much effort into his parenting .

The issues raised don't seem to me to be about class more about how he sees his role as df. I think dumping dc infront of the tv is rampant across all classes not just working class, for instance, op.

But how he chooses to spend time with dc is up to him, they might like comfortable silence in front of the tv with dad.

The it her issue is how you feel he belittles your interest in opera etc. again, you don't have to be uc to like opera, you may have been exposed to it so appreciate it, but you don't have to like it or not like it.

He really shouldn't be rude about your choices of leisure time. The other thing is if he grew up seeing men treat their dw with contempt, he will sub consciously act it out as its a comfort for him. Just as you withdraw and get a bit frosty and seem superior to him- I'm not saying you are, its an example! Learning to argue is another.

You need to talk to each other in a non confrontational way, about how you are starting to judge each other on each other's behaviour instead of giving each other a chance to explain or compromise or just be themselves.

Well, values attitudes and expectations are important and the socialisation process is hugely influential, class aside it is difficult to break away from aspects of our upbringing. Seems here that OP wants opportunities and experiences for her family and her DH couldn't care less- probably as a result of his own dysfunctional childhood.

It's not about class as pp have already said. Your DH was parented really poorly with lots of neglect and abuse by today's standards.

He is parenting his kids much better than he was parented. That's a real achievement for him.

However his current attitude and input to parenting is not enough. I think a parenting course could be useful, or at least a real commitment to being more actively involved.

This is a big issue for your relationship and I think someone like Relate could really help. I do think some couples therapy would be beneficial to both of you, with knock on benefits for your kids.