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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sort of date tomorrow

121 replies

bedhead2008 · 27/12/2013 00:25

Posted a few weeks ago about a one night stand and how to pursue things.

Well, it's a long story but I accidentally contacted him and we have been texting. I feel like I am doing all the 'running' but he is replying lots and agreed to meet for a drink tomorrow night.

It's kind of an unofficial date I suppose, I didn't call it a date and just asked if he was out in the town tomorrow which he was so I suggested meeting. This kind of turned into 'sex chat' so I need to be careful that this doesn't lead into NSA sex.

I have never really been on a date before and I am so nervous! I don't know what to talk to him about! He is rather quiet, I don't want to talk about work but that's all I know that we have in common. I don't want to do the whole "so what are your hobbies" chat, it feels unnatural.

I don't know, I'm over thinking it I'm sure but what the hell do I talk to him about?! I really like him and want to be flirty but fun etc and seem appealing! Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

bedhead2008 · 29/12/2013 13:13

Ok this is what I need to hear, because my mind was starting to wonder and think that by sending a half jokey "where were you?!" text it would look like I wasn't bothered enough to ignore? By ignoring, aren't I showing him I'm angry as I was texting him most days?

I don't want to out myself on here but it is the worst possible job to have with this kind of thing, very much about 'team work' and practical things.

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 13:24

I know why you'd be starting to think that NOT texting him would appear frostier than texting him, but consider this: when someone doesn't contact you, do you immediately assume they're in a strop with you? Or do you assume that they're busy, away from their phone, busy, asleep, busy or just busy?

You're not assuming that he's in a strop with you now, are you? No, you are worried he's dead :), in hospital, with someone else, or got caught up in something somewhere.

The thing with not texting is that the recipient of your silence DOESNT HAVE ANY IDEA why you haven't contacted them. Which is why they always crack and send follow-up texts like, did you get my message? Everything ok? Are you busy?, to get some clarity.

And anyway, you don't have to reassure him today that you're ok with being stood up. You don't have to be the Nice Girl all the time. You can be the Mysterious Woman whenever you like.

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 13:29

But this is why I told you to get busy with something else. Your mind will create a million reasons to text him, and one of them will eventually sound so plausible that you'll do it. And then feel awful. And then be the girl who's sent TWO texts to a guy who's stood her up. :(

Honestly? Go lock your phone in the boot of your car and get out into the sunshine. Go for a walk, or to the gym, or for a swim, or to the cinema, or to the sales (yes that), or get your nails done, or buy a load of beauty products to create a Home Spa evening tonight.

MOVE AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 13:32

You don't have to do this hard work all alone. I'm not going to text him either. :)

macygracy · 29/12/2013 13:53

Bedhead, just a quick bit of input. I have a bit of a fuckwit that I love messing me around a bit, it's much more complicated that yours though...

Anyway he took a week to reply to a simple facebook message I know he had seen so I didn't reply to him for 10 days and when I did he instantly replied and we had a 2 hour chat which he brought up meeting up and signed off last (normally me). I think by not replying for a good amount of time had him worried (hope so anyway!!)

But for your one I definitely would not contact and would act completely unbothered!

I LOVE AnuvvaMuvva's advice and am trying to use much of it for my situation!

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 14:22

By ignoring, aren't I showing him I'm angry as I was texting him most days?

No, you're showing him that you've got far better things to be doing today than thinking about him. Let him think you pulled last night and you're all loved up.

MasterP0 · 29/12/2013 14:37

You are investing way too much of your energy and time on this guy! What is it going to take for you to WALK AWAY and try to never let a one night stand make you feel the way you're feeling??

If he wanted you NOTHING AND NO ONE would stand in his way, bitter pill to swallow I know, I've been there many a times!!

And that .....I'm a nice guy..... text is his way of mind fucking you, because he knows he's behaving like a tosser!

I think know the guy isn't interested and is just being polite as he has to still work with you. The thought of him showing his friends your texts and laughing at you behind your back is enough to make me cringe!

Original poster

bedhead2008 · 29/12/2013 17:57

I'm happy to walk away I just hate the way it's ended. It makes no sense...

I went to my phone provider today as I had a problem with memory (wouldn't let me take any new photos) and she said I may have problems receiving texts. One of my friends rang me yesterday to ask why I hadn't replied to her, but I didn't receive anything! So now I am wondering if he did text and I didn't get it?! Which is unlikely as I got all of his other texts but neither from my friend. But it's planted a seed of doubt.

Still haven't heard a thing... I don't think I am going to Again it's fine that he isn't interested, it will feel crap for a week but I'll get over it. It's the way last night went.

Why did he bother to text when his meal had finished to say it had finished and he'd be leaving soon?! Surely he'd just leave it, I hadn't chased him or mentioned it, he did that off his own accord.

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 18:49

I understand why you're confused/annoyed. But remember that your friend called you to see why you hadn't replied to their texts... This guy didn't. And he would've done if he wanted to meet up.

Sorry. PLEASE get busy with something else -- I PROMISE you it will help!

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 18:50

I just hate the way it's ended. It makes no sense.

It didn't really start though, did it? Don't try to make sense of his behaviour. There may be a perfectly reasonable explanation, but it may be that he just doesn't feel the same way about you or it may be that he's a complete headfuck.

Whatever. You have to focus your energies, time and thoughts elsewhere. Anywhere.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2013 19:03

What Vivacia said. It really didn't begin to have 'ended'. He could have texted you so as not to keep you hanging around for him. He didn't. He's not a nice person and not worth your questioning and second-guessing for another minute.

Nobody else can answer your questions and he won't. Stop asking them for your own sake.

Original poster

bedhead2008 · 29/12/2013 19:05

I am keeping busy! Going to a friend's soon. No it didn't start you are right. If I didn't have low self esteem before, I do now! Every time my phone goes off I think it's him, at least if he told me outright he wasn't interested I wouldn't be jumping every time.

Mince pies are helping.

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 19:14

Nobody else can take away your self-esteem. Only you. So don't you dare!

macygracy · 29/12/2013 19:58

You will start to feel a little bit better in a couple of weeks, it may get worse in the next few days though. One day at a time!

bringoutthepringles · 29/12/2013 23:50

Problem with texting is that message may not get through or it might get misread. As you sort of know him through work, then if it was me, I would phone him tomorrow to politely say that you had both arranged to meet and as he hadn't turned up, to ask if he is ok? Unless he has a genuine reason for not having the decency to contact you, you politely say that you don't appreciate being left in the lurch but you are glad he is ok. Then say goodbye (also politely). If there is a genuine reason and he is keen, he should apologise and offer to make it up to you. If not, thank your lucky stars that you didn't get pregnant during the one-night stand and divert your attention to finding a quality man. Funny thing is, if this guy isn't interested then once you find a quality man, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

Original poster

bedhead2008 · 30/12/2013 00:35

Thanks for your replies. It's just odd how I feel like I have been dumped! For a reason I cannot fathom this has gotten under my skin. Just the sudden u-turn!

My friend suggested he hasn't actually 'stood me up' as he was aware I was out with other friends and we didn't have a specific time and place arranged.

OP posts:

melanie58 · 30/12/2013 00:56

No, Bedhead - your friend is trying to make you feel better, but you mustn't start thinking the way this man behaved was in any way acceptable. He was incredibly rude. (Not to mention the way he behaved on your drunken night out.) This really is not going to go anywhere. Keep your dignity and treat him with the indifference he deserves!

beaglesaresweet · 30/12/2013 01:27

OP, do you have any doubt that he wolud've phoned if he genuinely wanted to meet that evening (and/or texted you but heard nothing back from you)?!
If anything happened to him, you'd presumably hear at work tomorrow.

fiftyandfab · 30/12/2013 06:03

My friend suggested he hasn't actually 'stood me up' as he was aware I was out with other friends and we didn't have a specific time and place arranged.

If this is the case, how on earth were you supposed to find each other?

HairyGrotter · 30/12/2013 07:28

All this angst and emotion for basically fuck all is quite strange.

He's clearly not interested in you, have some dignity and leave him alone

penguinplease · 30/12/2013 08:18

Reading this is painful. Please get some self respect and move on. Even if he did text and you didn't receive it he hasn't exactly been attentive before that. You are probably lovely but you sound a bit needy and desperate.

Maybe he just isn't into you but doesn't have the guts to say so, and you snagged him once so he is keeping you on side for a repeat of that.

Wrt working with him, be professional and friendly outwardly, even if you are in knots inside.
Move on, you can do better than him.

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