Sort of date tomorrow

[bedhead2008]

Posted a few weeks ago about a one night stand and how to pursue things.

Well, it's a long story but I accidentally contacted him and we have been texting. I feel like I am doing all the 'running' but he is replying lots and agreed to meet for a drink tomorrow night.

It's kind of an unofficial date I suppose, I didn't call it a date and just asked if he was out in the town tomorrow which he was so I suggested meeting. This kind of turned into 'sex chat' so I need to be careful that this doesn't lead into NSA sex.

I have never really been on a date before and I am so nervous! I don't know what to talk to him about! He is rather quiet, I don't want to talk about work but that's all I know that we have in common. I don't want to do the whole "so what are your hobbies" chat, it feels unnatural.

I don't know, I'm over thinking it I'm sure but what the hell do I talk to him about?! I really like him and want to be flirty but fun etc and seem appealing! Help!

[Dirtybadger]

There was a more recent post. Different person. Not an ex.
She was very drunk (too drunk to form consent IMO)- and it was after a works 'do'. I think that's about right anyway.

[bedhead2008]

Ooh sorry I am seeing the confusion.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1942114-One-night-stand

This is my previous thread about this man!

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Ok - sorry for my posts, getting everything mixed up.

[bedhead2008]

No I was confused wondering why people kept thinking I was talking about my ex, just clicked that it was because I was talking about a previous thread!

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I've just read the proper post about this man, the one you work with.

I'm gathering my thoughts. :)

[bedhead2008]

Haha, I look forward to hearing them!

[AnuvvaMuvva]

My thoughts! :)

1. You sound sweet, he sounds funny.

1. We will never know what really happened in that hotel room, but he should NOT have shagged you when you were that drunk. And no, most blokes do NOT take advantage of drunk women. Really. Honestly. They might do on Geordie Shore but they don't in real life. ;)

1. You need to work on feeling like you're a catch. Why do you hate your body so much? Could you improve it, so YOU like it more? (How you feel about yourself directly affects your relationships, and will do forever.) Is it just because you've had kids? Two kids messed up my stomach but when I'm at the right weight and going to the gym regularly, it looks fine - even good! And I'm twice your age almost. :(

1. I don't think it's such a crime to leave at 5am. In fact, I think it's quite cool and elusive. :) But you should've waited for him to contact you first.

1. I don't think he's wildly interested in you, I'm afraid. If he were, I think he'd have resisted shagging you for the first time when you were both drunk (he'd have wanted to impress you), and I think he'd have contacted you again before now.

1. I think you're always going to feel he's out of your league. I'm sure he's NOT out of your league at ALL, but you need to believe that. And your putting him on a pedestal will make any relationship you do have with him tricky. You'll put up with stuff you know is wrong.

1. You need to put this one on the back burner and wait for him to do some of the running. In the meantime, you should actively work on improving the things about yourself that make you lack self-confidence, so you begin to have higher self-esteem.

1. Read a couple of dating books, so you stop second-guessing yourself. I think you have good instincts but you allow your lack of confidence to make excuses for stuff. Why Men Love Bitches is awesome, as is He's Just Not Into You (for bluntness) and Not Your Mother's Rules (although it gets slagged off on here, it's still a great manual for girls your age, who date 20something blokes who can be tricky).

1. Everything will be fine in the long run - if it doesn't work out with this man, that's only because the Universe has a MUCH BETTER man in mind for you.

10. Stop drinking so much.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Please feel free to ignore all my advice if I sound like I'm preaching. I get carried away on the Relationships threads.

And on your non-dates date thing, I think you should:

11. Turn up with some friends. Wear a nice dress and heels and an elegant coat. Hair down, pretty make-up. Make yourself feel stunning. Dress for you, not him.

12. Mingle with everyone, don't hang off this bloke's arm. Be friendly and sociable with the whole world in a calm, not-drunk way.

13. When HE approaches YOU, make light-hearted conversation with him for 10-15 minutes that DOES NOT mention the shag, DOES NOT involve your apologising for your behaviour, the sex or leaving at 5am, and DOES NOT involve your pushing him away again. Ever see a cat fall off a walk? It doesn't talk about how embarrassed it is, it just gets back on the wall like nothing happened. That's a good way to handle Love Issues. Be the cat. Stay neutral. Don't pull or push. Let him be the one to mention seeing you again and if he doesn't, let it go.

14. After 10-15 minutes, find a reason to go off and talk to your friends again, or get a drink, go to the loo, something. Let him miss talking to you. "Aww she's really fun - where is she?" He won't realise how much he likes you till he misses you a little bit.

15. Go home early, like 11.30. It's classier. He can see you home but leave him at the front door. Thank him for seeing you safely home, kiss his cheek and let him suggest going out on a date. If he does, no you don't let him stay the night. See him on the date. And if he doesn't, be chilled about it.

[bedhead2008]

Thank you AnuvvaMuvva what a brilliant post! I have done my hair all pretty and curled. What you say about my self-esteem makes a lot of sense. My friends were all laughing when I said he was out of my league and gorgeous, they think he is 'ok' and that I am 'out of his league' (these girls are usually brutally honest).

I feel ugly most of the time, and this does ruin my confidence but I think, for my age, I have a very good knob head radar (reading multiple MN threads and encountering several so far have helped).

I am just so nervous! Hoping after 1 or 2 drinks I will relax. I won't drink more than that, and don't drink very often, but my job had become incredibly demanding recently so I have developed a work hard play hard mentality.

Thank you again for your wonderful post, I am going to look into those books, they sounds really interesting.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Thanks - that was really sweet.

SO? What happened? Hope everything went well and that you have a lovely fun weekend planned.

[bedhead2008]

No more clear today I am afraid. It was ok, we met, we chatted, we flirted. No kissing or anything else. He had to leave after about an hour as his friends wanted to get back - they live quite far away and had driven so weren't drinking.

He mentioned seeing me today but we have been texting this morning and it hasn't come up so I am not holding my breath.

I'm just going to leave it now and if he chases it up that's great. If not, that's rubbish but I don't have the energy to carry on.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I like your attitude about it - not having the energy to sustain a one-way relationship is very healthy!

Who texted whom first this morning?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I can't recommend this enough. Really good on why we don't text menz all day when they're not asking us out.

[Vivacia]

By the same authors who wrote The Rules?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Do you have something else fun, engaging and sociable to do tonight if you don't hear from him? It'll make it much easier to turn him down at 5pm if he makes a lazy, last-minute suggestion, if you have something lovely to do instead.

Give him till 1pm, 2pm LATEST to suggest a date tonight, and if he misses the deadline, get busy finding something else to do instead. I know you feel fugly so you don't believe you can expect men to pursue you, but they WILL pursue you if you believe in yourself and believe you are worthy of being asked out in advance.

It's nicer being asked out in advance - you can plan your week, prepare your outfit, know when you're free to see your friends/work on your novel/do your laundry/catch up on Netflix etc. being asked-out last minute is a real stress.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Yes, them.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Everyone here hates The Rules but I love them. They're agonisingly strict, but they cut out so much crap. I belong to several messageboards about The Rules, and the women there support each other doing them (because they're hard). You wouldn't believe how well those women get treated. Cherished during the dating process, the men are open and honest right from the start, the dates are lovely, the proposals are romantic and the marriages are BLISSFUL.

Seriously, no woman from those message boards has ever had a DH cheat on her. And I've been on those boards since the 90s. There is NO cheating. No crap. Or if there is any crap during the dating process, it doesn't affect the women because they haven't been getting too involved with the men too soon so it doesn't bother them - they can just dump the guy on and move on. It's easy.

[Vivacia]

Well, I'm pleased for them and pleased for myself that I've had all of that too, without playing games.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

:) I'm glad too! The women on these boards are naturally non-Rulesy - left to their own devices, they'd chase men around, bake cakes, initiate long Tawks about the relationship (after like one date), etc... That's why TR work well for them - it's the only thing that's ever given them boundaries.

You're probably naturally "Rulesy" and conduct relationships with natural poise and no desperation, which is why you wouldn't need them.

[Vivacia]

I was just thinking about that - I am naturally rulesy. The poise and no desperation is something I'm, erm, working on.

Can you recommend one of these The Rules forums?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

:) Are you on FB? There are a few on there, if you do a search for The Rules. Or "like" TheRulesBook page and I think there are links there somewhere.

I've PMed you the address of my favourite one.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I was naturally Rulesy growing up, and my aunt was the natural epitome of the "Melanie" that the books hold up as an example.

Then I went off to uni and it all went wrong. Ended up marrying a twat (the message boards women told me how wrong he was for me but I refused to listen), endured a horrible marriage for 10 years, then finally split up 5 years ago.

I'm now 40 and engaged, but work on doing TR every day because they just WORK. Left to my own devices, panic creeps in and I do things from a place of loneliness or fear.

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Anyway, I'm being horribly preachy again... Sorry bedhead2008.

Has he suggested a date yet? If not, have you found something else to do tonight? Something fun and sociable. A reason to get blamed up with lovely pretty hair again and a dress that you can wear in your early 20s, but I sadly no longer can. :(

[AnuvvaMuvva]

ARGH, glammed-up, not blamed up ffs

[Vivacia]

Thanks for the link, had a bit of a wander around. I'm afraid it did confirm my prejudices.