I'm an ow

[fuckitanyway]

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

Are not ate

Other woman = family wrecker. Plain and simple.

I have been through it all myself. I have never experienced hate till the OW entered our lives.

I don't know how a mother with children could do it to another woman with children tbh.

No empathy here. You need to respect the commitment that this man made to his wife and not get involved.

I wasn't dressing it up but whether you like it or not, it is absolutely possible to love more than one person at the same time. You may not accept that but in my life it is a reality.

And in answer to you question, no we are not in chains as it happens.... neither of us is prepared to leave our respective families because we love them.

Life isn't always perfect and simple.

Yes it is possible to love more than one person.

That does not mean it is right to devastate people's lives - children's lives.

Not just his wife and children- but believe me OW rip the entire wider family apart.

I really believe in karma and I believe you will get yours.

You sound very "oh, woe is me" when you say "I expect this reaction" and "I deserve this" - so what was the point of this thread? Was it for us to pat you on the head and send platitudes of how you should get out now, and focus on your husband and children? Or did you want the guilt and shame side, where you are forced to end the affair because a bunch of strangers on the internet say so?

Ultimately, you'll do what you want. You've chosen to have the affair - no one is forcing you to do so. You don't want to rock your bubble at home (and neither does the MM) but you want the side portion of whatever-it-is-you're-getting (and feel shameful for, what gives?) without disrupting the bubble.

This sounds so eerily familiar of those who are too cowardly to lose the trappings of the family life because they can't deal with the guilt and shame of being in the wrong - mainly because you know you'd be strung up by your nearest and dearest and lose the unit you had. That is so very cruel - not only for your family and friends, but it's cruel on you too. You deserve better than to put yourself through this charade and if that means divorcing and being lonely and poorer to work out what you really want, then you should do it. You won't though - you'll carry on seeing OM and lying to your family because you don't want to lose whatever it is they give you that you can't bear to be without.

I think it's entirely possible to love two people - we all have different identities with different people and it's not uncommon. But you have a bloody family. This kind of shit really screws up everyone concerned.

OP - I would think carefully about your stanse that you can't move jobs. I guess you are in some vocational role with only one employer in the area. Could you look into moving roles with the organisation so you don't work with him, or look at retraining/moving roles altogether, or even moving areas.

I say this because a) it sounds like so long as you are in close daily contact with OM, you aren't going to end it and b) if your DH finds out (which the longer it goes on the more likely your DH will get suspicious and find out), I will garentee one of the conditions he'll put on you staying together is you stop working with him. At least if you take action now, you can take your time a bit and look for something sutable.

Also, in my work place, there was a couple having an affair recently and her DH came in and made a scene, she was asked to look for a new job (he was more valuable to the company so funnily enough it was her that was expected to go). If her DH hadn't come in shouting the odds, I think the company would just have brushed the whole thing under the carpet. Is your DH the causing a fuss type? Is your OM's DW?

You might find you have options now to manage the situation that you won't have if you leave it until it comes out. An affair is distructive, you have already crossed the line so its too late to hope this won't have a negative effect on your career and marriage. You now can either sit back and wait for someone else to take the next action, or you can. If you take action, you get to limit some of the damage. (I say limit, because there is no way you get to end this situation with no damage)

Oh and I would think twice about telling OM you are looking for a new job, you might well find he scuppers your chances or tries to talk you out of it, he probably will be aware that when he's no longer around you every day, you'll end the relationship.

wishiwasntme I would think most people know its possible to love more than 1 person at a time. Thats nothing new. But - so what? Because you love someone you absolutely MUST have them even if they, and you, have taken vows with other people?

& anyway you dont have them, what you have is the part of them allocated to you during your sneaking around together time. Not much of a love, is it? Just a hole in a corner affair.

No, life isnt perfect and simple. & that has nothing to do with choosing to shag around on your husband. If he and your children found out though I bet you'd simplify it pretty damn sharpish and aim towards some kind of perfection, so as to not lose "The Fallback Husband". The speed of light would have nothing on you.

ditto OP.

Arguments

Oh give over. Really. Some of us have been happily maried for years, like the OP, and have felt a bit fed up at times. The answer is get a hobby, or something, not make our yearning for a thrill into our spouse's problem. That's called being an adult.

It really seems as if you have asked for a flaming because if you accept some consequences for your actions, in this case anger from complete strangers, it will absolve you of guilt.
You're not an idiot, you know what to do. If you really feel guilty, if you really believe this is wrong then stop. Just stop. If you don't then you're really not the moral person you thought you were and you really don't feel genuine guilt. You're just a selfish coward who used the anger of s bunch of strangers to avoid experiencing the anger she deserves in real life.

Guybrush

Yes, or uses the anger of strangers to get defensive so she can think to herself that nobody else, except the one or 2 who are condoning her actions, "understands her".

Sorry I have not read all the posts up to now. Are you just highly sexed and thus mismatched to your husbands?

I think you're asking to self destruct in my opinion.

Really where is your self respect and what sort of example are you setting your children?!!

The only way is to leave your job. You will not even begin to rebuild your life if you are in any kind of contact. Might seem drastic and a big upheaval but I believe that 'it' will never end if you see him.

How long do you want to live like this? Do you want to hate yourself for ever? Do you want this shadow over your relationship with your children? Can you really focus on your DC if he is taking up headspace? I told myself that it didn't impact on me in that way that I was still a really good Mum but I wasn't the parent I should have been during that time. Feeling all that angst and upset and shame and longing. The sad thing is that it wasn't some lust filled affair - in the entire 'affair' period - the act was committed twice. How we convinced ourselves it was just friendship for so long. But it wasn't. You don't keep friendships secret. Friendships don't consume you. Look - that is a whole other thread and not relevant. All I'm saying is however much you think that you can love each other and you are minimising the hurt to everyone else by making declarations that you'd never leave your family - it is all bollocks. The only thing which you can do to start rebuilding your self esteem and be able to look yourself in the face again is to cut all contact and be the best parent you can be. Get some counselling - it really helps. Cut him off. Don't allow yourself to be drawn in any longer.

I don't judge you OP. I stupidly got myself into a similar situation - I'll have to live with that forever. I'll have to know that I wasn't the person I thought I was but a stupid, vain, gullible, selfish, greedy one. You can't change what's done but you can change what happens next. Cut him off and keep putting one step in front of the other.

No real 'love story' needs to happen behind closed doors. Stop telling yourself you love him and he loves you. If he loved you he wouldn't be allowing this to happen. If he loved you he would want the very best for you and those close to you. If he loved you he would be ending it for you if you don't have the willpower to do it. Every time something happens with him it erodes your sense of self, hurts your family and your children. Is that love????

I grew up with a father who had affairs - falling in love and leaving for a few weeks and then begging for forgiveness and returning.

Even though my DM "forgave" and they are still together I consider our family life a sham. It was humiliating and embarrassing and I am still creeped out about it. I lost all respect and this has not been rectified. I keep them both at an emotional distance.

When you have an affair you say to your DCs that your sex life is more important than their emotional well being. The time you invest in your lover could be time you spend on your DCs and your home.

No ones life is perfect - having an affair isn't a right in this imperfect, sometimes lonely life. We all feel a bit crap at times - sort out why rather than distracting yourself with the excitement of sex with someone new.

It's funny how some people claim to be 'stuck' in an affair. It's been going on for some years and although they 'want' to stop, they can't - it's not that simple.

Yet, as soon as the affair is discovered, all of a sudden they swear undying love to their spouse, stop the affair, end all contact, change jobs and move heaven and earth in a effort to prove how much their home and family mean to them.

But until that catalytic occasion, which devastates the family they claim to love, they just absolve themselves of all responsibility and carry on their sordid deceit and double life.

It's not romantic, or special, or luuurve. It's selfish. They are the ones causing all the pain and then they look to strangers on the internet to absorb their guilt.

OP is not here to change. She is here to talk about her lover because she can't have contact with him over Christmas.

When her dh discovers that instead of enjoying this special time with her family on Christmas day, OP was thinking of her lover, counting the days until she can escape her family and get back to him, he will not feel love. When she says, 'But I love you and will do anything to make it up to you' he will say 'This doesn't feel like love'.

And he will be right.

If you can make the choices to begin and maintain an affair, you can also make the choices to end it.

If you decide not to, well, that's up to you. But own the responsibility for that decision and its consequences.

Fairenuff well said.

I think exactly that, amongst other things. Also that OP cant be with loverboy at christmas, so she is missing him and just needs to find a way to talk about him and her feelings for him. As she cant talk about him at home, can she? & probably not to mates either. Once the festive season is past, theyll be ok. Back to the sordid affair. This is her 2nd thread isnt it...

SauceForTheGander thats a sad and poignant story. The reality of the issues affairs can cause. I wish people wouldnt be selfish, and would remembr children matter too. Children are sometimes more seeing, more aware than we believe them to be. You can end up shaking their world, for the sake of a cheap thrill hole in the corner affair

What happened to taking up a hobby if you feel a bit bored in your marriage, or trying to spice things up with DH

Come back OP. The thread seems to have taken a bit of a bullying tone but put that to one side. Whatever OP's motives for posting it won't help her to be hounded away. It may only take one thing said here for the OP to start to see that her current situation is not much good for any of the parties involved.

Nothing will change unless you change it.
If you carry on doing the same things, you will never feel any better than you do now.
You will never be able to look back on your life with joy. How sad. Your loss.

madameconflicted, I've sent you a PM, I hope that's ok but if you'd rather not reply I fully understand.

I have been with my partner 10 yrs. We have a young son. Those boys are my world. The thought of an affair ruining our little family, everything that we have and have been through makes me want to cry.

I am not perfect, but I look at my little boy and I know that I will do everything in my power to keep his family intact.

Whilst I understand the theories and reasoning of some of these posts - I just want to scream "what about your family"!!

Come one OP, your job? Your mm? Feelings here and I have tried there.
What about your children?

madame

I am not sure what you mean by bullying tone. I think people are expressing strong opinions. Many of them opinions along the same lines. I don't think it's helpful to refer to that as bullying.

Involved in this, insulated in a bubble of narcissism, people tell themselves no one will get hurt. But they do. When the reality hits you, op, it will make the shame you feel now seem like a walk in the park in comparison. Not only are you taking huge risks with your own family, you are 50% responsible (and no one is going to convince me otherwise, so save your energy) for the indescribable pain and heartbreak of another woman, and her family, who have done nothing to hurt you. Maybe not you it would be someone else offering up no-ties cheap sex to a faithless man, but in that case it is you. In no way is this bullying - it's the reality of this situation in the cold light of day. It isn't personal to you - it's all too commonplace. You are not unique. No romance, no sighing, secret soul-mates, nothing cheerful or good or kind or wise. Face it, end it, and get help to work out why you did this. Respect yourself, have compassion for your stupid choices - but act now to change what you've become.

I am no saint, but one thing I couldn't do is cause this much misery to another woman for no other reason than to get a few dubious sexual thrills. Stop thinking of yourself and your needs for only an hour and put yourself in her place. Let that empathy stop you dead in your tracks.

And what a vile man he is. Really.

Good post saferniche and very wise words.

I have to say though in some ways I've got more respect for a bloke who's honest about what this is, than I've got for a woman who's feigning guilt and shame...and carrying on anyway. He doesn't feel guilty and doesn't feel the need to pretend that he does. There's something much naffer about someone handwringing, self-flagellating and moaning about how guilty she feels, while actually wanting this bloke and the odd poster to persuade her she needn't feel any guilt at all.

I want to know about the sex. I know this makes dm a pervert. I cannot imagine glam office sex. Surely a fumble in a stationery cupboard might run the risk of chafing by laminate?