I'm an ow

[fuckitanyway]

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

to cope with what, Arguments? Surely if her marriae was crap, she would have mentioned it - she says instead she has a lovely life and olves her H. She may ne lying, yes, but then for his thread to have any benefit, she meeds to tell the truth on this and be honest. I don't think she's just 'being honourable towards her H', it's not that she has a hard marriage to cope with, IMO it's her boss that's probably a charmer and it's obvious that he controld her and the situation (HE is not struggling or suffering, and has no care that OP does! a bloody cold-hearted twat). I think she's fallen for him due to him being exciting/amourous but she never planned it and as a weaker person, been brain-washed and manipulated. I'm not saying she's blaneless at all, but she may not be that worldly or even intelligent (sorry OP), or experienced - some people are masters of seduction and he may habe been subtle and very good.

More to the point there is NO HAPPINESS for her quite clearly, I bet she's not smiling much at home or whatever, and not just because it's against the usual morality, I think she feels bad not only for cheating but also that the MM doesn't really care/love her. There is nothing good in there for her. it's like a drinking addiction - and he's in front of her all the time. OP, I agree that the only way is to lose the job.

Some people can take a 'little happiness' on the side in the form of fantasy and being used to prop someone's ego, or a bit of sex - I'm not judging if it works for them both within the affair, but I bet OP is not that type. Many women (most, imo!) would actually want real love if the do go as far as cheating and risking their family life/work/everything.

Arguments has!

Why does someone have to be a cold hearted twat? Things end, people don't do the right thing, they probably wished they did but it doesn't mean they are weak? so you are saying the op is weak and this man has turned her head? She had a perfectly good marriage and along came this satan type person? really...

Op I have only read the op, where you say no one is leaving anyone. If your husband finds out, that decision will no longer be yours.

OP, you're at a crossroads and that's what this is all about. We all have them at certain points in our lives, this is one of yours.

Look, people in good marriages have affairs. Women too.

It's just so reductive to peddle the hackneyed old myths about deep marital unhappiness, women needing it to be love before they'll have sex or affairs being a symptom of neglect at home especially on a thread where just for once the OP is saying none of that and in fact quite the opposite.

I don't know why posters can't get their heads around people- and women especially- who just fancy something extra to spice up their lives and are selfish enough to have it, despite no neglect, marital or sexual difficulties, huge personal traumas or One True Love Who Happened To Be My Boss fantasies.

A lot of people have affairs because they fancy sex and/or romance with someone new and because they get the opportunity. It's no more complex than that.

Best to listen to what the OP is saying anyway, when she gets around to it.

OP - in response to you no, you didnt ask for the 'violins' but why put the post up if you're going to pick up on opinions? Im not the one messing around on my husband - you are. So there's zero sense in picking up on anything in my opinion. Its mine, not yours. This is what you said about your life

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife

This, together with all else you've said, is why I said what I did and my opinion stands. What you or anyone else thinks is entirely up to you.

& a lot of this thread is absolutely ridiculous bordering on justification and condoning. Had it been a man who put up post saying he has a lovely wife & kids and was having an affair Id probably have felt the heat through the screen, the absolute flaming he'd get.

You're being softsoaped in some quarters simply because you're a woman, as if its somehow different and understandable for you. No, it isnt. A lying cheat, is a cheat. You have a lovely life with your husband & children? Yet you're fucking around on your husband. If caught, you'd run like a rat back to him because you want to have your cake & eat it too, you dont want to disrupt your lifestyle, and its the same way with the man you're cheating with. You both deserve to get dumped..then again you'll continue hiding your tracks well so there's no risk of that won't you?

You're not asking posters for ways to stop what you're doing at all. You're just talking. If you cant stand the heat - get out of the kitchen.

Leaven, I have no doubt at all that there are people who wat to spice their life and are HAPPY with their affairs. The crucial point here is, OP is in love (or thinks she is) with the man who is obviously not in love (and not hiding it either) with OP. She's miserable, not excited about her secret and winking at her mirror reflection, she bloody says she hates herself and can't even look. She is obviously not cut out to be a detached person who can enjoy their little sex on the side - emotions got involved and as I said, I'm sure that deep down she's unhappy that the MM isn't in love with her, hence feeling she's been hooked and addicted.
If she quietly enjoyed the affair, there wouldn't be a thread!
Tinks, not a 'satan', but he is bad, not because of just having an affair, but because he enjoys the little secret (and says so in so many words), while he well knows hat OP is struggling and miserable, he's a twat because he doesn't give a damn about either deciving his wife, or about the misery of OP. He's a boss, probably older and experiencd, and of course he could turn her head if he's charming - dime a dozen of such examples where the foolish woman (or maybe a man in some cases) is being subtly hooked. You can't deny that some people have that 'talent'. OP is better even because she's desperately looking for advice, struggling with her 'love' emotions, while he is smug and shallow. Obviously if she never does anything about it, she is weak (as she wants to stop), let's hope not.

And for those of you shouting out about the spouses - do you seriously suppose they don't know? Trust me, the spouses know

Yes. The spouse will firstly suspect. They might question and they will be lied to. That's when they are really shat on. That's when the deceit really hits its target and damages the trust and respect.

If you stand back and look at this, the OP has not broken up families, she has not disrupted any child's life

What a naïve view.

I didn't say anything about people being 'happy' with this type of affair, or even that they enjoy them. You've misunderstood me.

I was referring to why some people get involved in them in the first place.

I reckon quite a few affairs that start out as a 'bit of fun' end up like this, but I was responding to posts that seemed to be projecting why this one even started.

Is it okay with you if your husband has a little something on the side, just for him, that makes him happier at home and makes him smile?

And your lover? He's just fine with his wife doing the same?

If so, why not tell them and let them get their jollies too?

Then you can all pretend that you put your marriages and your children 'first' and only the kids will be any the wiser...

I would also like to know OP's opinion on these very valid points.

madameconflicted well done to you. You've been the OW, been through the hurt and damage it caused, and hard as I can see it is for you, you're trying your best to deal with it. You are brave.

I know women can fall into being the OW; although I still say its wrong, because lets face it nobody is pressganged into it. Its a selfish choice based on love and infatuation and this thing of people believing they MUST have who they want at all costs.

I dont admire people who come across as half-hearted in deciding whether theyre going to stop what theyre doing or not (theyre not going to), people who feel theyre honourable by taking the absolute piss out of their partners. Theres nothing to admire in that for me. & children are hurt by these things too - its not impossible for them to find out.

We're not talking teens here, this is a grown woman who's already married and had children so she knows what life's all about, playing the wide-eyed innocent doesnt wash with me. Anyone who thinks this is cool tho - after all she's a woman so thats ok, its only bad when men do it so hey, lets look at the OM being a cheat, not her - I wonder if, if your or a mate's man cheated, it would be ok? If you'd wring your hands and think of the other woman as an 'innocent' taken advantage of. Even condone the hubby having a bit on the side after all, its adds spice to life doesnt it...? Poor old OW, eh. Hold her hand. eff the wifey, as a woman like you who is she to matter?

It beggars belief, really...the skewered moral standards based on gender.

I agree with you 100% about the OP's actions being no more or less blameworthy or excuseable than the OM's and also that women don't have to need special reasons to be unfaithful. It's always baffled me why there's so much projection about women having to be miserable, neglected or seeking true love before they'll get into bed with another man. It's probably a throwback from the crap about women being the gatekeepers of sexual morality and needing to be loved to have sex, but it bears no real resemblance to UK women's lives in 2013, thank fuck

That said, although it's a shame the OP has engaged so infrequently on her own thread, even if she's not going to answer any difficult questions some of what's been said might be seeping in- and let's not forget lurkers who might be in the same boat and are getting more from it than we know.

I think the best threads about this subject are when the OP engages, posters actually listen to what she's saying, there aren't any projections about other affairs or stereotypes about men or women- and when there is straight talking, opinions and advice given.

Leavenheath - agree 100%. Its the lack of engagement in thread mostly though, that made me think We're mostly women here we can listen/empathise, Mumsnet is brill for women advising and listening to each other. But personally for me if there appears to be not much interest in that from the poster, then whats to do...the post is there so opinions are formed..and mine is...hmmm...

Carpe has all the right answers as usual.

You are telling yourself you love him because you are addicted to the thrill of illicit sex. If you truly loved him you would not be able to stay in your marriage, no matter how bad the fallout.

Tinks my brother had an affair at a time when his long term relationship was in deep trouble. I love my brother very much, and he is in general a very good person, but when he told me I certainly didn't hold back on what I thought about his behaviour.

Affairs are always destructive, no matter the reasons. He was another who felt that no one would ever find out, and that his relationship was so dead that it didn't really matter in any case. Unfortunately it did. Very much, there was a very big fall out right across the family that hurt his (now) ex, his new partner, his child and parents. It has taken years to put some of that right, in particular I'm not sure his son will ever trust him again. It's a very very big risk to take.

Also you've been married 25 years so I assume your children are pretty much grown up? Just do what you have to do, or accept that you are married for life and make the best of it. Living like this is not making you any happier, is it?

Why on earth are you putting yourself through this thread? You knew the responses you would get. Do you want to finish it? If not what do you want from this?

^^ "That said, although it's a shame the OP has engaged so infrequently on her own thread, even if she's not going to answer any difficult questions some of what's been said might be seeping in- and let's not forget lurkers who might be in the same boat and are getting more from it than we know"

Thank you Leavenheath, I'm a lurker and have been following this thread. I'm an OW, going into 6 years. I love OM and I believe he loves me. Both married, both have children. But I'm not happy and I feel wretched most of the time.

I know people will hate me for the position I've chosen to be in. I too never ever thought I'd have an affair.... I wish I wasn't me. I desperately want to get to the point where Madameconflicted is (page7) and to feel like I did before all of this. I'm sure people will say stop being selfish and just end it. But it really isn't always as simple as that.

Actually this is ringing a bell now. I suspect the OP may have posted recently about the same relationship and didn't really engage much with the responding posters then either.

Just because you've had a good long run at not getting caught!...( is that part of the thrill)? Doesn't mean you won't get caught sooner or later..
.. Ask yourself is this man worth losing your husband for??! Not to mention the respect of your children & family & friends!! Just thinking about the upset & trauma it would all cause should be enough to make you give him up if you are so in love with your husband!!!

iwishiwasntme - it does ring true at least when you say you feel wretched. But as for " it really isn't always as simple as that".

Oh yes it is. We're not talking a life or death situation here. You won't die for lack of this man. But you don't want to go through the wrench and heartache of leaving him. & you think that justifies saying "its not that simple". He's just a man fucking around on his wife. Not of God-like status.

You love him. So instead of taking the piss out of your husband/marriage why don't you leave your husband? Or do you want the ease, familiarity, and comfort of having your "fallback husband" whilst you sneak around with wonderboy?

God..no wonder the relationship boards are full. I don't get it. If people are going to have affairs that's up to them if they don't want more for themselves out of life, & their self-esteem can cope. But the bullshit justifications when they're lying and cheating and deceiving others to get what they want, amazes me.

Don't dress it up as more than it is. Its 2 people cheating and that's that.

2 people in love but can't leave (but CAN cheat on) their respective partners?. Why can't you leave? Are you both in chains?

This is feeling a bit like a wallow in self pity so....OP you've read what everyone has to say. What do you want to do? And more importantly what ate you going to do? And how can we help you with that?