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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an ow

406 replies

fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:08

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 28/12/2013 20:34

It's actually quite simple in terms of processes. The emotions behind them might not be, but they are also likely to be replaced by some relief at living an honest life again and being without the stress of telling so many lies and running the risk of discovery.

So you stick to business only- while continuing to look for opportunities elsewhere either in the company or in another. No non-business phone contact, no e mails and no messages. A bit of bravery and a word with someone senior might help- it's quite easy in most workplaces to avoid being paired with people we'd rather not

You can only speak for yourself re compartmentalisation. You're clearly not a compartmentaliser and he's probably not, but he might be a cold fish who's able to 'love' the woman he's with and keep the two worlds separate. Neither that nor the bloke who's right now shouting at the kids and treating his wife like shit to her face are appealing in a person though are they? Cold fish compartmentaliser versus incontinent who makes everyone suffer for his folly?

Why are you being this person right now? Have you worked that out yet?

ChateauCollapso · 28/12/2013 20:39

Haven't bothered reading the whole thread. I am a wife & would hate you. It's only a fantasy & if you got together all the secrecy & excitement would be gone. You'd just be like other 'soulmates' who found true happiness together...

Tinks42 · 28/12/2013 22:01

You're human OP.. that's all.

MistressDeeCee · 28/12/2013 23:03

Just thought I'd read back thru thread . OP you've listed it all, inc you hate looking at yourself in the mirror etc.

Spare me the violins..couldn't care less what the million +1 explanations, theories, whatever are.
You're 2 people fucking each other behind your respective partners' backs. If either of you were caught you'd scurry like rats back to your partners to beg forgiveness, because selfishly you wouldn't want your lifestyle upset. You want to have your cake and eat it.

Hardly Mills & Boon is it? Its just sordid crap. You sound as if you want to think aloud - probably missing lover boy as its the festive season he's with his wife & family - but you don't appear to be planning to end it with him

As to the poster who said most people think it wouldn't happen to them, but:.. in all the years I was single, NEVER did I date a married man. Why would I? Single men weren't extinct! Women aren't all here as weak sitting targets for married men - we do have brains and are perfectly capable of saying "No". The ones who say "Yes" get into that sordid crap because they want to. It didn't happen to me as I don't want somebody else's man thanks, & I doubt I'm unique in that. You can't speak for "most women".

I'm in a LTR and wouldn't cheat as I'm not into it morally and no way am i allocating any of my precious time to being sneaky and lying,fucking someone else's husband. I'm not that needy & I have better things to apply my mind and life to. That's all.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 28/12/2013 23:15

I think you started this thread to beat yourself up a bit, or to get others to beat you up.

Once I had a conversation with a lively stimulating lady in her seventies. In her heyday she was amazing in our shared field. She said to me once 'What's wrong with a little bit of adultery? It keeps many marriages going.'

In my salad days, I would have been shocked and appalled. Now I understand more what she meant. You need something. You need something that your current life (work/husband/children) is not giving you.

I have had a couple of affairs myself now. They kept me going. Moving onwards.

And for those of you shouting out about the spouses - do you seriously suppose they don't know? Trust me, the spouses know.

There will come a point, OP, in your affair where the dynamic changes. You are neither of you proposing to leave your spouses. So far, so sensible. I am worrying more about the work implications of all this. If you had to have an affair, you should have kept it out of the workplace. Because when it is over it will have serious implications for you. Could you cool it down a little?

Original poster
fuckitanyway · 28/12/2013 23:17

Mistress - I don't understand why or what I've said to make you think I don't agree with absolutely everything you've said? I'm genuinely confused - I haven't made any excuses because I know there isn't any at all, I don't want the violins because I know they aren't warranted here. I've been discussing exactly how to stop it all, so I don't understand, if you have read the entire thread how you have came to this conclusion.

I fully accept any anger towards me - I understand I deserve it - completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckitanyway · 28/12/2013 23:26

Arguments - thank you for your understanding. I have probably done just that- started this to berate myself and for others to do so too - to make me understand fully (although ironically I feel I already do) the magnitude of what I'm doing and to help me to stop. The guilt is crippling.

He says a lot of what you say - I think- when i get upset and show him how much I'm struggling - he says it's ok to have something of your own, on the side, that no one ever needs to know about, that maybe makes me smile from time to time or makes me even happier at home providing that my husband and children always come first - as does his, and that I continue to do and be what I need to be for them.

I don't know if I'm just getting swallowed by a line though

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 28/12/2013 23:26

ArgumentsatChristmas, so you think her job prospects are more important than her husband and children?

ArgumentsatChristmas · 28/12/2013 23:31

No, I think along with the OP that her husband and children are paramount. She is putting them first actually. Many a marriage has dissolved through boredom, or knowing one another too well. The OP's needs are not being met. I am saying that it is okay for her to snatch a little happiness. It really is. It will keep her going. I am worried a bit about the workplace thing though.

neiljames77 · 28/12/2013 23:41

It'd take me too long to go through how wrong that argument is.

Tinks42 · 28/12/2013 23:44

ArgumentChristmas, stick your armour on here as you will get some pelleting for being human. I applaud your honesty.

waltermittymissus · 28/12/2013 23:45

The first thing you should do is stop imaging yourself in love with this man.

You don't love him because you don't know him. All of him. The husband, the man outside work, the boyfriend. He's none of those things.

He's a penis you have access to.

Once you remove the rose tinted glasses and see this for what it is (no big love story here, no star crossed lovers, just two bored people thrown together by circumstances) and stop projecting feelings and emotions that don't exist in the real world, you'll be able to break the habit and start rebuilding your life.

You need to decide if your dh deserves to be saddled with you for the rest of his life. I'm sorry that's blunt but there you have it. Who are you to make the decision for him?

Isn't he entitled to know that he's not enough for you? That you need to get your kicks from somewhere else?

There could be someone out there with whom he could be very happy for the rest of his life.

If you decide you're not willing to give him that chance, then the very least you can do is to stop this fantasy world, put on your big girl panties and start working on the real stuff.

Maybe, if it stops now, your dh will never find out. But I can guarantee that if it continues, one day it will all unfold.

Tinks42 · 28/12/2013 23:46

It takes two most of the time to end a relationship, whether it be through neglect or whatever, an affair is quite often a symptom.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 28/12/2013 23:47

Yeah well, I'm here to work through any arguments or discussions. If you ever find the time then you can PM me and I can put you in touch with my PA. The first week of February is looking good. :)

Meanwhile, back to the OP who is torturing herself. This is not a good thing. How long have you been married, OP?

AlaskaNebraska · 28/12/2013 23:53

You have sex at work then?!

Tinks42 · 28/12/2013 23:57

Ive had sex at work, pretty cool really..... Smile

Leavenheath · 28/12/2013 23:58

OP still not answering questions about why?

Here's another few for you though OP.

Is it okay with you if your husband has a little something on the side, just for him, that makes him happier at home and makes him smile?

And your lover? He's just fine with his wife doing the same?

If so, why not tell them and let them get their jollies too?

Then you can all pretend that you put your marriages and your children 'first' and only the kids will be any the wiser...

Tinks42 · 29/12/2013 00:03

Ok then, what if your best friend that was very unhappy for whatever reason had an affair, would you say, right that's it I never want to be your friend ever again? no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and no one has the right to judge. No one has the right to judge this poster either.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 29/12/2013 00:05

I do think that the OP wants people to throw stones at her - but I would still ask you to reflect upon your posts. They are unkind.

There are many things in life and marriage that are unsaid. Usually, this falls into that category. I imagine the OP would actually be sanguine if her DH had an affair - how could she not be, logically?

If you stand back and look at this, the OP has not broken up families, she has not disrupted any child's life. She has taken the opportunity to have some happiness. Would you want her progressively less happy? Taking to the bottle to cope? We all have a lot to cope with. I do not judge the OP.

madameconflicted · 29/12/2013 00:09

This was me. Worst thing I've ever done. 2 years of no contact and counselling and putting my energy into my family life and marriage and I feel such a lot of shame every single day but at least feel myself again in some respects as though I am slowly building my sense of self again. I did not ever believe that I would ever put myself in that position. I believed it was love. It was actually 2 people in a very vulnerable state selfishly flailing around and trying to find something to escape the realities and difficulties of everyday life and wanting to feel good sodding eberybody else. When the fog lifts you will hate yourself. Most selfish thing I have EVER done. Somebdody on here said I was 'elevating the sordid to the sacred' - that was right and when I feel the ache of missing that person I remind myself of that. I repeat it to myself. Sordid sordid sordid. Love should be a force for good - if you are keeping secrets it is not good for you or for your family. It is wrong. It is sordid. 2 selfish people putting so many in harms way. Leave your job.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 29/12/2013 00:11

Blimey! Extreme, much?

Tinks42 · 29/12/2013 00:11

No one owns another ever. A marriage is not ownership.

Leavenheath · 29/12/2013 00:13

There is nothing in the OP's posts to suggest she's unhappy in her marriage. On the contrary in her opening post she says:

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children.

Why then, are there these posts about anyone being very unhappy or suggesting she will become an alcoholic if she ends her affair? Confused

You also have no idea if the OP has or hasn't disrupted children's lives.

Neither have you any clue about the spouses knowing about this affair and apparently turning a blind eye.

This is all projection about other affairs and not the one that is being discussed on this thread.

CitrusSun · 29/12/2013 00:13

Hate that women do this shit to other women

Tinks42 · 29/12/2013 00:14

I doubt many people have affairs lightly

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