DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!


Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

[woozlebear]

Thing is when he is nice its great. I know i know it should be nice all the time.

He does this thing which is he will say the most nasty, unkind things and not really mean them. (He told me in counselling he just said it for effect

I haven't read whole thread yet, but read this and just had to say....Sorry if I'm cross posting.

This is abusive behaviour. This is not what normal, nice people who care about other people do.

This is exactly what my mother (who beat me) and my ex (who beat me and raped me) were like. Sweetness and light in playacting mode and then would say the most vicious thing they possibly could to...I dunno. Get a reaction, test people, push boundaries, destroy people and beat them down, amuse themselves, a mixture of all the above...who knows.

His motives are fairly irrelevant, and whether or not he means what he says is also irrelevant. I don't think it's any better to say vicious hurtful stuff (not as a repeated conscious behaviour pattern anyway) but not mean it. In fact, it's probably worse - more calculated and certainly more fucked up.

Sorry OP. It sounds shit.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh my goodness. Yes. What mad says above ^

That's exactly it. You are stronger than you know.

'The size 13 on your soul'...that's exactly it!

[MaeveORave]

My self-esteem was in the gutter back then, i can recognise thaat now.

Also, I realise, that the same 'anaesthetic' that got me through each day also numbed me and prevented me from taking action.

It got to the point though where I was just so miserable that I knew that no matter what came next it couldn't be worse.

From the moment I left him I never, ever regretted it! Even when he was texting me abusive threats "come back here now, enough of this tin pot parade, if you don't come home tonight then you've burnt your bridges here". ha ha ha ha. Meanwhile, I was safe (finally) with my family, just drinking a cup of tea in peace, no sarcasm, no digs, no criticism, my Mum helping with the baby, my Dad downloading forms off the internet for me.

Tell your family, tell your friends, let them help.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

He put his hands around your neck?

Wake up, wake the fuck up.

By the way, your kids won't be gone every weekend. You don't actually believe that he will want access to them do you?

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

i want him to go. We have just moved into a new house. It was awful sellung and buying, I have pretty.much spent my mat.leave calling estate agents and sols.
My family all live 100miles away and I am due back to work in Jan.

Can I stay?

He will want to sell and I just want stability for my dcs...

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

Just want to say thanks so much for being there x

[mammadiggingdeep]

If you're joint owners he can't sell without your say so.

[MaeveORave]

You are welcome Malcolm, and you're worth it

I owe a huge huge debt to posters (People! real people) like Mathanxiety and Anniegetyourgun and bertiebotts and Anyfucker and SGB and plenty more.

I agree it's not easy to split up. I understand that. I told my x a few times that I wanted to split up and he roared back at me "the fuck we will split up ". Like i had no say in it! and I was there nervously asking his permission to split up.

It's a great sign for you when you start thinking about the practicalities.
Is the house in your name too?

[MerryFuckingChristmas]

Oh, you poor love. No wonder the counselling was less than useless because you couldn't tell the truth.

This is precisely why joint counselling is not recommended where abuse is present

he was making it a "good patch" because he knew precisely that he crossed the line when he put his hands around your throat, and he wanted you to STFU

someone in a stronger place would have had him up for assault on that one incident alone, and he knows it

please, please call the police next time he does that

[themidwife]

What he wants ain't necessarily what he gets! I recommend you read Lundy Bancroft's. "Why Does He Do That....." You'll recognise him in there I guarantee. Could you report him for the assault now? Phone the DA team at your local police & say you were too scared to before. Women's Aid can help you through this.

My ex was DA & although not enormously violent in general he also pushed me over when I was holding a small baby to take my phone off me. I called the police. He spent the night in the cells & was bound over to keep the police. Next time he pushed me he was arrested again & was made to leave the house & hand over his keys. Tax credits, council tax rebate, interest only mortgage for a while until divorce settled etc meant I was not that much worse off & with 3 DCs I got most of my childcare paid when I returned to work.

You will be fine, honestly. The kids will still have a relationship with their Dad. He just won't be allowed to bully you anymore.

[mumtosome61]

Can you stay? I can't answer that question but as the house is joint, he would need you to sell too. You've got children and a house and that will be looked at.

After Christmas, and I know it's a horrible time, try and get some legal aid to find out what you can do next. Free legal advice is offered by a lot of solicitors normally on a "fee-free" half hour basis, and then if you need legal aid that can be sorted. Whilst I don't condone "playing" the victim legally, you ARE a victim and everything you tell them will help.

You deserve so, so much more than this utter shite, and you will find it. It's going to be tough, but I absolutely promise you it'll be a whole heap better than sticking out with this buttache for the next ten years.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Doesn't matter what he wants. He isn't the boss of you.

[mammadiggingdeep]

"He isn't the boss of you"

This!

[Rachelx92]

What an awful man he is. How does he think you feel bringing up 3 kids single handedly?! Leave him you're worth a million of him x

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

it is just me 2 youngest dc and my step mum tonight. And im only just.putting baby down, house is a tip and i feel so relaxed.

[themidwife]

This is how your life could be every night. No twuntishness ever.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

bliss

[Tralalalalaaalalalalaaaaa]

Do it OP, honestly!

You won't look back.

I've been reading through the thread and I recognise a lot of it. It's too much to change. It can't be done unless he's willing to fight his natural urges to be a twat every single day for the rest of his life. And why would he? Because if he did, he'd have to spend nights up to his elbows in puke and give up his precious man-time.

You deserve so much better.

Good luck x

[MaeveORave]

Oh yeh , when i heard his key in the door my heart used to sink. I used to long for my own home, just me and the chilfren. Have that now.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Report his assaults, talk to the DV unit at your local police station, talk to Women's Aid. A violent man can be forcibly removed from the family home and kept out. He will also be obliged to keep paying the mortgage. (Though it's best to consult a solicitor on this.)
Good luck. You can do it. You and your DC will be much happier once you are rid of him.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

thanks everyone.
I have alot ro think about over the next few days.

Had a strange conversation with my step mum
She wad telling me about when she left her husband. She said as soon as she pit her key in the ignition to go home it was like there was someone sitting on her shoulder saying "what are you doing?" she drove ho.e and told him she didnt want to be with him any more.

It might have just been a story bit it was odd that she brought it up tonight...

Anyway off to sleep
night all

[MaeveORave]

Malcolm, start another thread whwn u need to know how to make him understand its over..... maybe talk to hr at work. Just tell them you r leaving a disfuntional marriage and might need compassionate leave to move. Tell your mum, step mum and father u r going to need them over the next few months. Line up your ducks now.
X

[MaeveORave]

Glad yr step mum gets it.

[themidwife]

You need to start being honest with those close to you about what you've been going through love. They will then be able to support you. I remember that feeling of shame at admitting it all, but it's not our fault it's theirs!

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

quick update

it just good to get it out.

i went to Sainsburys and came home to dcs in one room wrapping presents (stuff found in the house) for their Dad. its heartbreaking. he was sat in the lounge watching the darts. Apparently trying to het the baby to sleep.

I said we need to talk, he was calm, polite and informed me how boring I am and he is so depressed and lonely because he cant talk to me becauase I have nothing interrsting to say. He is soooo bored. Hes not inyerested in anything I say because its baby crap. He doesnt care about my friends or their kids.

I asked him exactly what would make me.less boring but strangly he could give me a specific answer...

He wants to have fun with me again, Ive lost spark.

Dont worry I was not upset. I told him I wasnt boring in the least, and out of the 2 of us I am the one with loads of friends who want to spend time with me.

He kept saying he wanted an adult conversation but I keep insulting him (half right, I said he was opting out of family life and he didnt want us)

I said I want him to leave. He said we cant afford to split! errrr he takes home nearly £4000 a month!!!!!

I am not backing down.

He said he had wanted a plan to get us back track. I said i was fed up of being told im not good enough

I yold him