DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!


Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

[mammadiggingdeep]

Been there, got the t shirt. Reading the op sets off bad memories. Op is in 'the fog'. You can see it so clearly once you've broken out of it.

Shit at Xmas especially...I spent last Xmas fighting back tears and biting my bottom lip :(

[MerryFuckingChristmas]

Sorry to hear that

Things are better this year ?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yep...

Mamma dig deep and found my life again :)

Not the best year ever but the pain and upset of ending it and doing it alone (2 young dd) is nothing compared to living it!!
X

[MerryFuckingChristmas]

Good for you

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

He pushed you when you were holding your tiny baby. That could've killed your child. A man like that should not be around children. Or anyone, frankly. Why are you with this abuser? By wanting to keep the family together, you are actually insisting on helping this piece of shit damage his children as much as possible. The cruellest fact of abuse is that by staying, the mother cannot avoid colluding in the damage of her children. Abuse of the mother is abuse of the children. I say it weekly on Mn, and I will keep on saying it until people stop sacrificing their children to the lie that a man who treats them like shit is not, and cannot be a good father. Sorry to be harsh, but if you will not leave a man who risks his own baby's life, then you are clearly going to stay and just keep posting worse and worse stuff on here, instead of taking real action. It breaks my heart for you, OP.but not as much as it does for your DC.

[Whatnext074]

mamma gives good advice, has got me through some difficult times on here.

Malcolm - I get where you are about not wanting to end your marriage, especially after experiencing the pain of divorce through your parents but, this is no way to live for you or your DCs. You need to show your DCs that you respect yourself enough not to put up with this shit (and I don't often swear).

Right now you are existing, getting by and not living. Dig deep, find some self esteem and do what you can for the long term benefit of you and your DCs.

I hope you feel better soon and maybe shoving the wrapping paper where the sun doesn't shine might be a good start.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yep...

Mamma dig deep and found my life again :)

Not the best year ever but the pain and upset of ending it and doing it alone (2 young dd) is nothing compared to living it!!
X

[mumtosome61]

Divorce is better than this abusive arsehole, lovely. I am a product of a divorce - and it was shit - but guess what? The decade long "keeping up appearances" was way, way harder and the thing that lives with me now, not the divorce and final separation - I was elated when that happened and I still am.

Do NOT allow your children to see what a father represents - it skewers perceptions for future life. It will be fucking hard to get out there, be a single Mum and deal with it but I am telling you now, from the horses mouth, that it is a far far better option than putting up with this for another X amount of years until you are conditioned into thinking it is normal - it's not, and you do not have to put up with it.

[crazyspaniel]

He wants "man time". And I bet he felt like a proper man walking out and then coming back and issuing the little woman with a "non-negotiable" ultimatum.

A real man would be pulling his weight when his kids are ill.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

hello
Sorry I managed to hide my own thread! what a wally!
Im just getting house tidy then putting dc to bed.

I really am listening to you all. It is hard to hear, I know.I need to though.

My friend in rl knows and its a relief to vent to hwr as well.
I told my dad and his partner last xmas, they were horrified.
DH was livid i had spoken to them.

I might spead to ddads partner tonight...

[MerryFuckingChristmas]

You do what you need to do, love

If he has a problem with that, well...remind him he wants out anyway so why not just fuck off right now

[Clutterbugsmum]

Yes tell anybody and everybody so you get support in real life, he doesn't want people to know how much of a shit he is, and keep you isolated.

I would also stop doing things for him. If he want 'man time' then he can fit in around doing his washing,cleaning and cooking. Until he finds his own 'man time home'.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Does he pester for sex, as well? Does he have sex with you whether you like it or not? Or does he have it with other women, or threaten to?
THis man is fundamentally selfish and you will be a lot better off without him. Make getting rid of him your New Year resolution.

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

Is this the hypochondriac DH who kept being too poorly to help out and had a nasty turn of phrase whenever he wanted to let off steam? I remember you were very worried about telling him he'd got you pregnant with DC3?

You are trying to push water up hill with this person. He is not cut out to be a partner, he is going to loathe anything that eats into what he sees as his time, as far as parenting goes he won't lift a finger unless it's in front of an audience.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

yes donkey

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

we tried counselling after the pushing incident but, we only did a few sessions. We were going through a good patch. I was not completly honest with her though, she knew he pushed me and that DCs saw. but i didnt tell her he put his hands around my neck.

I really am pathetic


I just want the good bits for me and the dcs. I know im weak. I just dont know how I could afford.to be a single mum...

[MadhbhORave]

It just all sounds so exhausting......... you're trying to please him. You're jumping through his hoops.

You can be a single mother. You won't recover financially overnight but if you're prepared to endure a few years where you just have enough and no more then you will get through it. I am so much happier now. I could never please my x no matter how hard I tried. It was exhausting. He told me to shape up or ship out when I had a 7 week old baby. (house was too messy, I hadn't been paying him enough attention, no food he liked in the house, we hadn't had sex post partum).

When I think of it now, the effort I put in to pleasing him and he just made me miserable and never did a single thing to please me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Ps, I hardly had the proverbial pot to piss in when I left, but we always had food and clothes and a roof and somehow we always, always had "enough" and now things are pretty good and I'm very grateful actually. So, don't let fear of being a single mother tie you to this dreadful man.

[mammadiggingdeep]

You could afford it. Tax credits. Council tax discount. Maintenance. Housing benefit. You can do it.

He put his hands around your neck?

He is a piece of shit op. what good bits do you have? The times when you're having a laugh and getting along are times when you're having a laugh and getting along with a man capable of watching you throw up all night without helping and a man capable of putting hands around your neck. They are fake good times really. They're not good times if you're wondering when the next nasty comment, push, argument, flounce off will happen.

Jeez. He really is an arse. Tell your dad/brothers/make friends how he likes to put his hands round your throat. Then see what a man he is.

What.a.cock!!!

[mammadiggingdeep]

• male friends...

[mammadiggingdeep]

Ps. You are not pathetic. Come on op- dig deep here. Find your fighting spirit.

[MadhbhORave]

NO you're not pathetic.

I had counselling too but it was a sham as I couldn't tell the counsellor how dreadful he was either. But you know what it doesn't matter now.

Counselling shmounselling, what really really really helped me was the psychotherapy I had after I left him.

To hell with the sham couple counselling. It's not worth trying to save.

[badasahatter]

My sister had an abusive husband and she took years to leave him. She has been with her new partner now for over 12 years and he treats her like a queen. He has helped her to raise her two children like his own and more importantly, he loves her and cares for her, no matter what. My lovely sister says that it's like she moved somewhere new. She likes some things better, she misses some old things too, of course, but the fact that she's safe in her own home, that she doesn't have to hide her husband's actions from the kids all the time and the fact that she's not constantly on edge, just in case her ex-h has one drink too many and ends up screaming at either her or kids any more is worth more than all the tea in China.

I kept telling her, you need to change things, cos if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. Having said that, I know it wasn't easy for her and I'm sure you'll be doing the same toing and froing in your head. She left her ex-H on Christmas Eve by the way...came up to our house with the kids and we catered her Christmas Dinner and pulled some gifts out of the bag for the kids, so they could have a good day. Hope you manage to sort out your priorities.

[bigbuttons]

They aren't good times. They are simply not the worst times. When you are being abused any tiny space when there is a lack of abuse seems like heaven on earth. It's like being bashed with a saucepan and thinking the few minutes when it stops are wonderful. No they are not wonderful they are what most people would think of as NORMAL.
For you the abuse is normal and the periods of calm are good times.
I know that I have been there.

[neiljames77]

You're not pathetic at all. You're putting what you believe to be best for your children before your own well being and happiness.

[MadhbhORave]

Just figure out how to get safe first. I moved to my parents and I was entitled to some benefits. Just get safe first and take it from there. You will be ok.

Do you know what I know firsthand??? that you have to be incredibly strong to live with this level of torture. All the normal things that are easy for women who're married to regular normal nice men are a million billion times harder when you're tiptoeing around an asswipe like this man and like my x.

But somehow you're doing it, with small children!

Get away from him, the albatross around your neck, the size 13 boot on your soul and channel your strength and your energy in to getting back on your feet and repairing your self-esteem, cos he will have damaged it.