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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

547 replies

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 23/12/2013 10:28

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!

Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/12/2013 16:07

Entitledto.com will help you find out.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 16:09

thank you. Bedtime reading for me

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 16:48

Keep planning and keep watching. If he starts using the kids to get at you, turf him the fuck out.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 16:57

i will, and will prob use this thread as a sounding board so I can read back when im feeling wobbly!

would love to know how you get them out though... I know he would just say no. I have asked him to go before just for the night and he has always said no

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 17:05

It depends how serious you are. Starting divorce proceedings may have to happen before he will go. Despite his whining, he does know what side his bread is buttered on. He wants you abject and pleading, wailing "why aren't we goooooood enough??"

the fact is, you are way too good for him, and he knows it deep down. You will never convince him of that though. His ego needs to keep you underfoot and hanging on in the hope that he will become the man he should be.

I expect he will leave you, however, when some other woman takes him on. A nice shiny new one, who doesn't dare to expect him to be a grown up. Unfortunately, that is likely to happen when you least expect/can cope with it.

This is why it is so very important that you take control and manage a split. Because one day soon he is just going to walk and you will be devastated all over again.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 17:30

He has always said he was "punching above his weight" which is ironic as in the next argument he will say how boring I am?! Its all about my looks. Im no supermodel he just tells me Im very attractive, so then I feel like he only likes me now because of my looks as i have a rather crap personality...

There is someone at his.work who has a crush on him. Its well known, and the crush is on our family.too as she is unhappily married and unsuccessfully trying to concieve. So she wants the whole package. I like her, and I know he doesnt fancy her. But it proves woman do as he tells me he couldnt get anyone else...

I think you are probably right about him meeting someone else. There is plenty of oppotunity with lots of young woman in his line of work.

I really want the house sorted first though... If I cant stay here and we have to sell it needs doing. No one would buy it like it is!!!

Im going to speak to 2 friend

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 17:31

oops 2 friends this week. They will support me im sure. One knows everytjing already the other knows nothing yet.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 17:37

Good plan to get some more support for yourself.

This thing with insecure men. They have to bring you down to their level. It's all about projection. He is the boring one with the poor self esteem. He just don't know it, he is too stupid to realise.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 17:58

sad innit

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 18:00

Very sad. It's his problem though, not yours.

3mum · 26/12/2013 21:59

Just remember the old saying - only boring people are bored. Or to put it another way, it's not you, it's him. He is the one who lacks the inner resources and the decency to behave well to his family. It wouldn't matter who you were and whether you were the most sparkling conversationalist in the world, he would still find fault because the fault lies with him.

My exH used to tell me I was boring sometimes. Frankly I never believed him because he was the one who never followed current affairs, never read a book and never had any conversation that was not about him and what he wanted. What he actually meant, I eventually realised, was that it was more exciting chasing other women and having a new audience because all the attention was on him. I suspect your H is cut from the same cloth. You will be well rid.

fancyanotherfez · 27/12/2013 07:57

My parents have been married for 45 years. They openly loathe each other. It makes me unhappy to see it. Just because you are married it doesn't mean its better.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 08:38

sorry to hear that fancy, that must be awful...

OP posts:
fancyanotherfez · 27/12/2013 09:34

It's not nice hearing them slag each other off. The point for you is that they stuck together and now they are in their 70's it seems pointless to start again. Thats not the case for you now. I know you have decided you are definitely going but just know that you being happy will be best for the kids whether you are married to their dad or not

MaeveORave · 27/12/2013 09:50

I used to ask my x if we could split up then ( during arguments) and he would roar "no" at me.
I would have needed "heavies" to get him out of the house.
I left. But unlike u i had no claim on hse so vetter to just escape.
Do u have a brother who could move in with u for a while? Til divorce well under way?

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 09:55

no brother unfortunately.

The thought of living under the same roof when it all kicks off fills me with dread...

OP posts:
Mosman · 27/12/2013 12:29

You have to plan carefully ... It's taken me nine nearly ten months to get mine out snd he had the bloody affair ... I think you have to save up a running away fund and then run away.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 12:31

I read his facebook messages

what a fucking cliche

Snogged someone else on fri night from work

Didnt deny it

they have been messaging all week but he has been deleting. They were going to meet up "to sort.out how to make it not awkward" when they go back to work.

Bollox

He said we have not been right, he enjoyed the excitement and fun

OP posts:
clam · 27/12/2013 12:46

Wouldn't happen to be this woman with the crush on him that he "doesn't fancy," would it?
He wouldn't be the first arsehole to shag someone because he's flattered.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 12:49

no not her!!

they didnt shag bit were meeting up so would have happened.

ironically i know her, i suggested she go for the job at dh work

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 12:50

No big surprise. Sorry. You were warned about this.

There will be more to it, and the timeline of when he first started to say he "wasn't sure he wanted to be married" and he started to set you up to fail in the task of pleasing him will be when he met this woman, or if not this one a different one

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 12:52

tell me what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 12:53

i used the mn line

you have one chance to tell me who ... is. dont lie

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 12:55

I can't tell you what to do, love x

My advice however has been consistent all the way through.

OW or not, this bloke is a cunt and you need rid.

Start divorce proceedings...that is what I would do.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 27/12/2013 12:56

oh dont worry i will!!! i mean literally what do i do... tell him to move out, money etc

OP posts: