Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

547 replies

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 23/12/2013 10:28

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!

Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 00:35

just posted and deleted.by.mistake. I cant stop crying

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 00:42

Why cant we be enough for him. Why do my children have to suffer because of him.

His oldest friend is trying to have a baby. They have paid for 3 rounds of IVF and now r travelling abroad to have one last go.
He sat with my angel in his arms telling me I ruined everything by getting pregnant. He knows i did it.on purpose. We were sorted with Dcs getting older. He knows he hates the baby stage and we have it for years. All while holding this precious gift that his friends can only dream of...

Why wnt he wake up as excited about a trip to the park to play football and lego building as his dcs? why is it an effort, where is the joy? its killing me

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/12/2013 00:49

Look - get rid of this man. You're WITH him & you feel like shit? Doesnt that tell you something? Im sorry I really dont mean to sound hard. Ive been there, in a relationship thats crumbling and there's nothing to stop it, because your partner is absolutely hellbent on causing you misery, and then leaving. You being miserable and wondering why he isnt happy with you, isnt going to change 1 single thing. Get him out, and yes you will have to go through the misery of the end of your relationship but its nothing to the emotional torture you will endure if you let this prick hang around gaslighting you. Make YOUR new resolution to aim towards a new and better life for yourself and your children - that doesnt include someone who so blatantly shows, you're all not enough to make his life happy. He needs the short sharp shock of getting his arse kicked out of the door. & even if you do that he'll still come back eventually to sweet talk you, so he can crush you emotionally again. If you want to delay the inevitable, its up to you. But the misery you will endure by being with such a man, as opposed to being miserable without him anyway, will sink you if you're not careful. & you've got your children to think of.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 00:56

when we rowed he said he wouldnt leave the house until he was ready

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/12/2013 01:01

He has already left you. He is only staying to torment you. I am sure you know of the ways to get him to leave, if not you can be advised. Of course its up to you if you want to wait till he makes you a wreck. Again I dont mean to sound hard. Its a crap situation to be in. But when a man tells you and shows you he does not want you - you would be wise to listen. & act accordingly.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 01:05

is he gaslighting me?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/12/2013 02:01

Yes, he is gaslighting you. Im sure you know all about that but if you dont, look it up online as there are bound to be lots of articles about it. He wants to cause you maximum distress. He may or may not leave. But if you're the one to get him out (which you should, before the emotional torment he inflicts on you disrupts your life & that of your DDs) he will be enraged, although he may or may not show you that. If you give in to his demands, or pleading, or softsoaping to take him back - then he'll come back only as a subtle revenge ie, to start the process all over again. Gaslighters/narcissists need victims. No fun in the 'game' if you as the victim wont play. Sorry...Ive read through this thread and thats all I can conclude. This man is gaslighting you. You need to remember that doesnt make him strong. Neither does it make you weak. Dont let him subject you to treatment you dont deserve.

MaeveORave · 26/12/2013 08:37

Yeh.
. Your life sounds like he is interviewing you for the position of family. He is implying u shouldnt get your hopes uo tho. And he never finally concludes "im in! This is it! My family! We r a team".

I am waiting to hear about i job i went for b4 xmas. This thread gives me the same feeling.
I couldnt live with that feeling indefinitely
Torturre!
So take control and tell him u want to break up. U have had enuf of him sapping the joy out of life

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 10:31

the boys came in to me first thing followed by him. He took them all downsatirs and ive only just got.up. And he made me a cup of tea and brought it upstairs...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/12/2013 10:33

Are you surprised by this? I'm not and I don't even know him. But I know the cycle - nasty, kind, nasty, kind, nasty, kind - of an abusive man.

So you know what to expect right? He will be nasty again.

Or are you expecting something different?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/12/2013 10:34

Stop focussing on him making you a fucking cup of tea and tell him it is over and he needs to leave or you do. He is taking the piss and you are letting him. Where has your strength gone? Sad

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 10:38

I feel like I want to plan it properly.

He is VERY hot with money and I want to be sure I will be ok. I think now I have decided its ok to focus on a plan and get myself sorted. Im back to work in 2 weeks and I will need to settle back into that before I can do anything.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2013 10:51

I stayed with XH for 25 years, for most of which we'd have a problem and I'd either weep or blow up and after a while he seemed to "get it" and things seemed to be going well. Then some other issue would crop up. I'd actually given up and decided to divorce before one person sent me a page about abusive relationships and another advised me to look at MN. And there was the entirety of our quarter century together all written out in black and white, according to the script. It was one hell of a shock. We not only weren't unique, we were clichéd. Damn.

I think you're wise to get yourself back to work and do your sums before taking action, but don't let things slide. This relationship NEEDS to end and it will end, when you're ready. I hope it will be quite soon.

One more thought: abusers like to press your most sensitive buttons. As a loving mother you can most easily be upset through your children. Sitting his precious baby on his knee while telling you what a mistake her very existence was is deliberate emotional cruelty to you. It doesn't necessarily prove anything about how he really feels towards the child (although if he can even think those things it can't be totally healthy). He probably does love her in his somewhat selfish way, but can't resist the opportunity to wind you up. That's my theory at least.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 10:58

thanks for that Annie.
Life is too short to spend it unhappy. I am just so disapointed that my children will grow up in a broken home. I am a strong believer in trying, I wouldnt give up on my marraige easily. But im not giving up am I! I just cant continue

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/12/2013 11:01

You don't have a marriage and you can't fix something on your own.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2013 11:07

It is already a broken home if someone living in it is constantly sabotaging the comfort and happiness of the others.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/12/2013 11:12

I think my answer to every comment and complaint would be 'why don't you fuck off then'.

This is no marriage.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 13:25

He has already broken your home love

When one partner makes another jump through hoops to hang on to them, it's game over

He's told you he doesn't want you

Why are you not listening ?

Your desperation allows him to treat you like shit

You know this

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 13:58

sorry,
My last post was confusing, I just read it back.
When I said i believed in trying, Ieant tjat is what I have been doing for the last year.
NOT that I want to try now.

I think i have tried enough.

I do however want to get settled back to work, (its a demanding job)

and I also want to continue the work on the house. Its a wreck and we have the money put aside for it. If it doesnt get done I will be stuck here unable to afford to ever do it.

Biding my time gives me time to plan.
I can see a sol and plan how its going to work

I need to really sit down and find out what benefits I will be entitled to. As it stands my take home pay is the total cost of the mortgage, with £70 left over!

Dont worry, I am still doing it.

OP posts:
MaeveORave · 26/12/2013 14:24

Can your mum help with childcare?
Its good to have a plan . X

HorsePetal · 26/12/2013 14:25

Your home is already broken OP and your children are already suffering as a result.

LineRunner · 26/12/2013 14:39

Good for you, having a plan.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 14:44

shr lives along way away but she can come up and help when i need it just not regular work days.

he is so grumpy with the kids

nob

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 26/12/2013 14:51

Just wanted to add that divorce isn't always bad for the children. My parent split up. My mum remarried when i wss 9. I have got the most AMAZING step dad. I can honestly say that the divorce only affected me in a positive way. Good luck

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 26/12/2013 15:00

thanks notta that helps x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread