Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

[Livingtothefull]

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

Yes you're right. I am feeling self pity again and I don't have a place for that anymore. I know I have to do....wish I did not have to be so fearful doing it but there you go.

When do you hear about the MA?

Soon. That's all I know at the moment really. It should be within weeks rather than months. Please wish me luck.

You might be able to find out from your university's website. There should be a departmental board of studies meeting at which results are agreed officially. Or ask your supervisor.

Just thought knowing roughly when might ease your worried mind

I followed up with the university as you recommended Sparkly..apparently the marking is due to be confirmed 11 Feb & I should hear shortly after, so around mid Feb.

I had another interview today...again a good job with a good company. I am still being fairly picky about the roles I go for, maybe that will change as I get more desperate! But I do want to find something good & I don't mean just money.

DS had post op appointment today...they are very concerned about his spontaneous shoulder dislocation so will have to wait a little longer for the outcome. He may have osteoporosis! (though barely a teenager!!) & needs a bone density scan. We will have to take this one step at a time.

It seems sometimes as though the enormity of the situation with DS, the implications of it all, haven't sunk in. I feel as if I have to be cold, and distance myself from it, is the only way to cope. Does that make me a terrible person? Am i just in denial, & should forget about distracting myself with other things, & just focus on DS situation to the exclusion of all else?

A friend asked me a little while ago 'what DS life expectancy was'; I have never thought of him in those terms. I know that there will be issue after issue with him & that's the way it will always be. I am not the saintly, self sacrificing kind; I want to try to balance caring for DS with having a reasonably good life (at least some of the time), I don't know yet whether that kind of balance is possible.

Not too long now then somewhere someone is panicking over a pile of essays to mark which includes yours lol

IMHO picky is the right thing to be atm re jobs, especially as you seem to be succeeding in getting interviews. And at every interview you'll be learning something.

As for DS, it will do him more good to have a well-rounded fulfilled DM than a saintly self-sacrificing one. Are you able to have any fun together or is he above that (as he might be at his age)?

My beautiful boy is not averse to our having fun together. When I met up with him today I got an 'I love you DMummy so much' and a big hug. He is the most unbelievably wonderful boy. He got lunch in his favourite restaurant and he was SO happy. He really seems to get happiness. All the terrible times he has been through......yet he is happy. I think he is miraculous.

And yes I suppose I could do self sacrifice if I thought it appropriate but I am just not so sure. To eschew happiness forever....I'm not sure about that. Saintly I am not. I think I am quite a bad person.

Yes doing lots of interviews is good. The same questions crop up over and over so yes I am getting better. I do hope I get a job soon. I promised DS that when I was in work again I would take him (& DS) out for dinner so he is looking forward to it already

Dear All

Just a quick update....I found out today that my project has been passed so in due course I will have my MA. It is such a relief...beyond that it has not really sunk in. Not a spectacular mark but I wasn't really expecting that in the circumstances, but it is a pass mark & that's all that matters.

Hoooooooorrrrrayyyy!!!! I'm so happy!!!

Ohhhhhhhh my god I'm soooooooo happy for you ! Read your post at Xmas and was moved re the plight of your little chap similar age to mine. Well done go get that great job !

Thanks Parsley, I am really happy about this. I can throw away all my notes/paperwork! I won't need it again!!

I hope it helps with the jobhunting which, alas, is not going well - but will get depressed about that some other time - not today. At least one piece of the 'happiness puzzle' is firmly in place.

Oh living well done it's truly amazing what you can achieve even when faced with such difficult circumstances, as Beaty from the old BT adverts would say you've got an ology and if you've got one of those you can do anything.

Great news living :)

Thanks all. We are not out of the woods yet, I am still unemployed....it is proving hellishly difficult to find the right job. DS has his bone density scan tomorrow so will find out if he has osteoporosis. But at least this one thing has gone right so I am happy for now.

So glad to read that update and glad to hear you feel a little brighter. I can't imagine how stressful it all must feel sometimes but I think you're amazing!

I had quite a bad setback yesterday…..have been sobbing, I feel again that it is all getting to be too much.

DS has had his bone density scan so will have to wait & see what it reveals. He was playing up this morning, the next door neighbour was banging on the wall demanding we get him to be quiet.

I did another interview yesterday…..another interim role but for an organisation which works with vulnerable children so I felt an affinity. I was notified this afternoon that I hadn't got the role. Apparently I did a really good interview but didn't score as highly as another candidate on the diversity-based question so did not demonstrate as much diversity awareness.

I am so fed up with this. I answered the question as honestly as I can, shall I just make up a pack of lies to sound impressive at interview? Few people are more diversity-aware than I am. Of course I can ensure I give a better answer to such a question in future; then I will be rejected due to something else. If I had been told that another candidate was better suited overall to the role, then I would be disappointed but at east the outcome would make sense. I don't believe that an otherwise highly suitable candidate would be rejected on the basis of one below-par interview answer.

I am tired of working hard and getting qualified, all for nothing. I think I am still very close to the edge and could unravel very quickly……have to be really careful with myself now.

I have just put DS in the bath…..he peed/pooed on the floor & all over me whilst I was undressing him so will have to strip & wash/dry clean everything i was wearing. DS didn't feel like cooperating so I had to struggle to clean him and lift him bodily into the bath then disinfect the floor. All to his favourite, constant refrain of 'You stupid fucking bitch'.

I think something has broken in me today. My faith in God, an ultimately benign universe, has just died.

Living it must be so hard for you and DS

As to the diversity thing, yes, big it up!

During my Year of Applying for Jobs (applied for 14, 12 interviews, 1 job landed) ! was over-honest about some of my thoughts on confidentiality, but thought I had made it crystal clear that whatever job I was in, I complied wholeheartedly and professionally with the confidentiality protocol that went with it. I might well have got the job had I given a more 'expected' reply; so made a note not to repeat this if similar came up in future.

What am I saying? It's alright to show yourself in your best light, and that you are the right person for the job, by emphasising somethings and leaving out others.

Enough of jobs for the time being though: it's the weekend. Time to be kind to yourself. Warm wishes to you and yours...

Should have read before posting: over-honesty was in one interview, didn't make mistake more than once...

congratulations on your MA

can social services give you any help?

you realise you are doing brilliantly well, don't you?

I hope so Julia….I am thinking maybe I had built up in my head that if I got my MA everything would be wonderful. Now I have achieved it yet there are so many things that aren't OK yet & it isn't so simple. Ranting and moaning aside though, I know there is nothing to do but keep on going and for DS sake that's what I will do.

Thanks for the great advice Tempermental….yes there is much I can do to enhance my interview performance and give better responses, so will have a good think about how to perform better. It all seems such a farce/pantomime though, I feel like screaming!

Some advice please: I would like to put the MA on my CV asap…..the results are confirmed online but it has not been awarded yet, do you think I should wait until it is or put it on there now regardless?

There is probably an 'official' way to write this on your CV, pending it actually being conferred. You could email your tutor, perhaps.

But twould be alright to put it on anyway, if you aren't as much of a pedant as me...

OP, I've just read through your post in its entirety and had to pop on and let you know that I think you are an absolute warrior. One day you'll reflect back on these (very) testing times and appreciate the extent of your strength. And yyy to the CV. You could always add a footnote to explain until the official award comes through.

Thanks mrssmith for your kind words. Yes I live in hope that my life will somehow do a 'shape-shift', that I will one day wake up and realise that I have moved on to better times. It is so frustrating that those times don't seem to come, and things seem to refuse to get easier. So I get sad then angry, and lash out.

It is not all bad and some is so so good. I have quoted DS at his worst so may as well quote him again at his best: 'I love you DMummy, you are my sweetheart, you are my Valentine'. (This afternoon, as I cooked him his favourite meal).

I will review my CV and decide how/whether to add the MA now…..hopefully will get something in writing from the Uni soon.

Whenever you mention DS, I have a vision of him smiling ?outside a pub - created from you talking about him last year, I think?

DS smiles a lot, he is a happy boy. In Summer we sit outside in pub gardens, he keeps offering to get other people drinks. When we try to restrain him he gets really indignant: 'But I'm socialising'.