Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

[Livingtothefull]

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

(in reality )

It will take time before you feel relieved. but Hey: You Did It!!!!

So pleased you competed it and handed it in. Another hurdle crossed. And grape well done.

Thanks all .....I am relieved it is all over & that I can get on with the rest of my life. I only hope I pass now. I am pleased with myself that I have done it and now, if I can only pass, my cup of happiness will be full at least for a time.

Yes an early night would be a good idea Gluezilla. If only I could tear myself away from this fizzy glass.

Just caught up and soooo pleased its all done. How exciting. Hope those bubbles have gone down wellxxx

Hallo

I had a bit of a rest this morning then got on with jobhunting etc.

Ireland job has fallen through it turns out today they found somebody else in the meantime. I think it is for the best to be honest, I'm not sure it would have worked & it would have been a hard decision to make so I'm almost glad it was taken out of my hands. I think due to my DS condition (especially in the light of his latest issue - really don't know yet what that is going to mean for him) I need to be near him at least for now.

Sorry this thread doesn't really have a theme does it? There is so much going on.....I hope my ramblings are not too confusing/boring.

Not confusing at all. I feel relief for you that you don't have to decide about Ireland. Time to stay close for a bit until you are clearer about Ds and his surgery.x

Yes cjel, now is just not the time to go away. DS is just too vulnerable & I need to be near my family. I really really really need a job though (near home).

I should find out by Feb if my project has made the grade. If it does & I pass and I have my MA....bliss. At least for a time. My cup of happiness is tentatively held out, hoping that certain things (effective treatment plan for DS, job, MA) drop into it. Wish me luck.

I will wish you all the best,can't promise everything but at least a plan for ds, an MA and a suitable job doesn't sound too much to ask

Dear all, I have a job interview tomorrow. Quite a good job actually and near home this time. Wish me luck!

I am still so hoping I have done enough with the project to scrape a pass....am waiting on tenterhooks.

I haven't heard anything yet re DS proposed course of action so have arranged an appointment with his new GP (his old one retired end last year). Really I just want to get somebody on side and really fighting his corner re his care, at the moment things are being allowed to drift too much.

I am hoping that all these issues/problems are the birth pangs of a new life. Sorry this is a rather overused metaphor ( I have already used a similar one up thread) but I am really trying to be optimistic and I want better times to come. Nowhere to go but forward and no acceptable state to be in except happy. Or happy-ish.

So: new job, new qualification, new financial security - especially, new happy healthy DS = new life.

Lurker here, rooting for you. Xxx

Good luck with tomorrow's interview!

Wow them - and do Not repeat Not diss your last essay (I have done equivalent in interviews ) Your essay was great

All the best!

OK I did the interview and have just been informed I didn't get the job. Apparently I interviewed well & the feedback was positive - the reason for not being successful was 'lack of cultural fit' which of course I can't control.

I'm afraid I am feeling rather downhearted today. I am worried I won't get the MA or a job, feel that life is on hold until I do. It makes no difference to what I have to do - keep plugging away until I get the job, retake until I pass MA - but I am tired of it all being so hard.

We can't get respite for DS until we sort out action plan re his shoulder problem, for health & safety reasons respite carers can't look after him until this is in place.

I have appointment today with new GP, just want to get someone fighting his corner.

How do you keep going through a hard time?

That is brilliant feedback, and actually v encouraging. There is no other way but to keep plugging away on the job front, and let the MA take care of itself...

Focus on DS for a bit, perhaps, have some fun together if you can - you both deserve it :)

Thanks Sparkly, you are quite right & actually it is good feedback. They actually said that I was definitely of the right calibre to do a role of this seniority & that I should not be downhearted. The agent actually said that they were very honest & had given negative feedback to other candidates, that I had obviously done well & they would be pleased to put me forward for other roles.

So I suppose I should regard it as a good second best to actually getting the job. The trouble is, I NEED a job. But it us just a week that I have been going all out (since handing in the assignment) so I suppose is early days.

I will get on & continue the job search, moans and groans notwithstanding.

OK I went to the GP appointment and explained my concerns. I referred to the visit to A&E, was quite shocked to find out that she was not aware of this situation....had just been sent a confirmation that DS had attended A&E with a dislocated shoulder, no further details of the complications or any recommendations for treatment/actions to be taken....just 'dislocated shoulder' as if it had all been sorted.

At the moment his school are contacting us to ask what to do, how to handle him etc & we don't know what to tell them. I don't know what to do re lifting him into his wheelchair.

It looks as though DS will need surgery at some stage, though we want to ensure he is recovered from the last surgery. This gives me a heavy heart as he has been through so much already.

I think I could follow this up with a letter to the GP confirming our discussion & detailing all the issues we have ( it is a long list, including concern about his emotional well being, I think he has been traumatised by his last surgery). Do you think this is OK to do? I just want to get someone fighting his corner. At the moment we are doing all the pushing, it would be such a relief to feel that someone was on our side.

Yes, I think writing such a letter would be a good idea.

You can also ask to see the GP's notes about DS.

Btw: Not suggesting you should do so, necessarily. But these days it is all supposed to be co-managing of conditions, not the doctors speaking from on high.

Sounds like your GP is on the ball, though, now she has more info.

I hope so Sparkly. I want to give her the chance so will put the letter together tomorrow & see what comes of it.

Setting out what concerns you or highlighting particular areas DS needs help with sounds quite reasonable Living, plus you then know you have kept the GP in the loop.

Forgot to add, althugh that job didn't work out, the fact you were called for interview, and given positive feedback, made it worthwhile imo.

Thanks for that Donkeys, I know that getting positive feedback is good, which I am getting for several of these interviews.

I wish that I could just get a firm job offer....am trusting it will happen soon. Even positive feedback is no real substitute for being turned down.

I am battling feelings of inadequacy that I wish I could just be rid of....have had them for as long as I can remember, maybe they are true and it is the pride in myself that is the illusion. But on balance i prefer the illusion to the truth, and function better with it; what matters is what works.

How is it possible to ever be free of an inferiority complex? Supposing it is not a 'complex' but true?

I wish I could be hard as nails and not be hurt by things so much.

We all think we wish that - but we don't really.

And as I said upthread, most people battle feelings of inadequacy.