Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

[Livingtothefull]

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

Thinking further about it I know you have described DS's rich vocabulary and feisty nature, that kind of spirit probably keeps him going, and for all that you sometimes doubt yourself and feel (justifiably) almost overwhelmed, DS must get that from you two, surely? I'm struggling to find the right word or phrase here, true grit?

Thanks. I think DH means well but is not sure what best to say/do. He wants to have control of things....gets upset at things which are outside control, as DS condition of course is.

Yes, 'feisty nature' just about covers it re DS. He has a massive spirit and a positive approach to his life.....maybe some of it comes from us but a lot is just him. Quite independently of his being my DS, I can say that I just so admire him as a human being.

You're welcome. But i think more of your strength rubs off onto DS than you think. You are stronger than you think.

Ruthlessly take out all the waffly words and phrases like "it would appear that", it will scarily then read like you are more expert, don't be scared of this. I once had to do this when an essay turned out to have a word count of 1500 words instead of 3000. Surprising how many hedges (words that you put in to mitigate being wrong iyswim) creep in, and how much better work seems without them.

Thanks Sparkly I am doing that. It is scary...part of getting qualified is accepting that you ARE an expert. I am chopping out where I can...however there are still a few things I think I need to add....mostly tweaks at this stage but it is amazing what a few judicious words here & there can do to make sense of the whole. I am really trying to 'anchor' my thought processes....hard to do for a 'waffler and rambler' like myself!

Hi Donkeys, you may be right about DS deriving strength from us.....but regardless of where he got it from, it is nonetheless his now & I admire him for it. He is such a happy little boy and always has been, seems to have a real gift for happiness; it is a huge comfort.

I often found that I'd written all the right stuff but in the wrong order. Sometimes swapping paragraphs around, or even moving them to another part of the essay, can improve the flow without involving a major re-write.

Ignore me if this doesn't apply - don't want to start a hare that will make unnecessay work for you.

That's great advice, thanks. Today I am focusing on making sure that absolutely everything has gone in that needs to go in....I'm afraid the length is creeping up again! I am trying to get it more or less 'done by end today....then the weekend will be spent polishing & refining. I will take your advice & look for things that need moving around to make more sense, or dug out to be given the prominence they deserve.

On the home stretch now!!

Well? How did it go yesterday?x

OK here is the next instalment in my & DS lives:

Worked until 1am last night to get as far as possible with the project, it is pretty near done to the extent it might be OK if I handed it in as is - but probably not there yet.

Thought I would have a break from it this morning & come back to it fresh in the afternoon...however things did not work out this way.

When bathing DS this morning, I noticed his shoulder looked wrong, ie dislocated. Took him to A&E who confirmed this, also it seems that his shoulder joint is now so unstable it continually dislocates/relocates..... associated with seizures, he shakes so violently that it upsets the joint.

Now he has a huge sling to try to hold it in place until seen again in a couple of weeks, he can't get dressed properly over it with his arm sticking out in front of him etc. He will get reviewed in a few weeks, he might need MORE SURGERY to stabilise the joint. he has just got through the last lot of surgery, they are saying he might have to go through it ALL OVER AGAIN

Just home from hospital....DS is having a nap so I will try to get a bit of study done. I want to try to do at least as well as I can, I just want it over with now so I can get on & deal with the next thing.

I can't concentrate, can't work. I am trying to be positive and not let myself tell myself it is all hopeless. I have plenty of confident bright smiles but they are all for my boy.

Thank goodness you spotted this when you did and is it wrong to say, before the school OT or physio or whoever upset you with an ill-thought out letter a while ago noticed? obviously DS's comfort is of paramount importance. I do hope when the experts review his health in a few weeks' time they decide further surgery won't be required.

You have the courage of a lion, staying outwardly positive for your cub's sake. not sure what lions would like I guess floristry isn't their thing - sorry, weak humour.

Thanks Donkeys for the flowers, I appreciate them anyway!! I don't know if I really deserve praise actually, being positive & there for my boy is such an overwhelming moral obligation, I just have to do what must be done & that's that. Any other half way decent parent would do the same.

I am going to try again to study so wish me luck. This project is having an extremely difficult birth and I am a very inadequate, reluctant midwife.

Hi living :) I just wanted to say hello and offer my support as well. Have been following the thread and hope your lovely DS is better soon.

So sorry he might need more surgery. You truly are a lioness and are demonstrating amazing courage and strength. Your DS is lucky to have you and you're lucky to have the unique and feisty person that he is.

I hope you get your assignment to where you would like it before Monday. Feel free to PM me at any time. I can't promise to offer much in the way of experience but am here as a listening ear if you would like one x

Also, I have an MA and am an awesome proofreader . I am happy to look over the work if you would appreciate a fresh eye on it. If so, I will pm you my email x

Hi Living, happy New Year, sorry I have not been around for a while.

Keep your chin up. I am so sorry you've had, and continue to have, such a hard time. Your poor old DS. And poor you.

Well done for getting a version of your masters done. That's incredible given what you're living with.

Just keep at it. Keep being a lovely mum, and a vigilant one. XXXXXXXXX

Hope DS is alright now Living, it must be really hard trying to think of anything else.
So glad you got so much done already. Remember that a difficult birth always ends. You will complete this and wellxxx

So sorry to hear about DS's set-back.

Re your birth metaphor - I'm afraid there's no getting away from the fact that you're the one giving birth while us midwives help by shouting from the cybernet: "not long now", "just a few more pushes" plus an offer of expertise from grape :)

I'll boil some towels and get some on the go

Dear all, thank you so much for all the moral support (and cheerleading), it helps more than I can say! It won't be forgotten.

Sparkly - maybe your metaphor is more apt & this is more of a 'labour-with-complications'. I just want this to be over & for me to have done enough to scrape a pass.

Grape - thanks so much for your offer of help with the project. I have pm'd you.

Have pm d you back :)

Good luck. Last day before Monday. Just 24 hours to go through.

Good morning all

Yes I'm nearly there. The work is more or less complete.....not nearly as good I'm afraid as it might have been without all that has been happening, but hopefully good enough to be adequate for a pass. And that's all I need. The thing is largely what it is now...but I want to tweak it as much as I can to make it just a bit better.

Thanks so much grape, have messaged you back again.

DS is having a contented morning with his ipad & television. We are just getting back our happy boy again after months of upset & pain, the surgery affected him badly. I don't know how to face putting him through it all over again.

Morning Living, glad to hear this mornings news. Hope it definitely does get you that pass. I know its easier said than done, but try and park the worry about ds further surgery until the time you need to have it. Enjoy the peace and calm now.xx

Hallo

Just an update to confirm that I got the project done & handed in.....just received confirmation that it arrived safely.

I thought I would feel relieved but am really just exhausted. I spent much of today double checking that all the admin etc was correct & finalised before sending....it stuck to me like treacle & I thought I would never be done. It is such a relief to be rid. It is very very far from perfect but I am just hoping it is good enough.

I would just like to say that grape came through on her offer to help me & very generously offered her time & effort and talents to help me finalise the work. I hope you won't mind me saying on here how grateful I am.

I am sitting here with a glass of Prosecco......can't afford Champagne until I have a job. I'm too tired to celebrate really but I'll drink it anyway but not before I toast all of you.