Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

[Livingtothefull]

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

Lay out your circumstances clearly.

Give them options. If they like you enough they will consider it. This job (imo) isn't so important that you and your family have to 'suffer' and be under too much pressure.
See what they could do to make it work for both parties. And if it won't work for you and your family you may have to walk away.

Do what you need to do. I sense you are worried bout what they are going to think of you if you do whats best for you.
Give them a ring but say you are not able to come over until after the 20th (or whenever you want)
On the other hand consider why you would want to go and meet them? Do you really want to do this now or are you just doing it soyou don't feel you have failed?

If you had all the options in the world would you even look twice at this job?

It will be very alright for you to tell them what you need Why do you think that you are not worth looking after?x

Thank you. I have called the agent, been straight about my circs and explained that any meeting will have to be next week. I suppose I have nothing to lose by visiting them & seeing it at first hand (provided they pay for flights etc - I am assuming they will?) - that is really the only way to judge it, I need to see if I can envisage living out there for several months.

I think the key is to stay in control, Don't do anything that you aren't happy with and remember they want you more than you need themxx

Many thanks cjel. I am still waiting to hear back from them.....maybe they will come up with a plan, who knows. Or maybe I will just have to walk away.

I got a call re a job just up the road from me, maybe something will come of that. I am still searching & hoping the right job comes up.

In the meantime I am working on this assignment, such a massive thing to complete & it can only be done one nudge at a time to slowly push it into shape. Nudge after nudge after nudge afternudgeafternudge.....oh how I wish it was over.

I hope all is OK with you too.

Hope you have made some progress, however small. I was just thinking about something you said the other day.

If DH had said don't go, we need you, you might have felt trapped, denied a chance to spread your wings. He could have phrased it more cunningly, "DS needs you".

In the event he said the right thing, but you weren't sure he meant it sincerely, and resented the thought he was somehow making a big gesture, "doing you a favour". Perhaps he was trying to convince himself he would cope.

After the stresses and strains you have endured together, maybe you both tread gingerly, it is delicate teamwork. Each knows the other is battle weary. Neither wants to rock the boat.

This other job up the road you mention might fit the bill better. What good timing. But for now, your assignment.

I'm behind you -nudge,nudge,nudge

Hi DonkeysDontRide, many thanks that is very insightful. I must say that I am very worried, not so much that DH won't be able to cope but that he will really struggle & it will be at the expense of his mental & emotional health. As for me: I think that I will really suffer being away from my DFamily.

It doesn't help that DH gets very little support from elsewhere....from his family he is looked to to be the caregiver rather than otherwise, which I'm afraid I resent hugely. His DB is supportive on the other hand, but has demands of his own.

DH work is not helpful either....they are doing things like insisting everyone stays at their desks until 5pm, sighing & shrugging when he leaves for a DS hospital appointment, that kind of thing. Now I am sure that there is legislation that would protect him if he wanted to ask for flexibility, they would be obliged to accommodate him if possible. But I don't think he can face the aggro of insisting on more support from them. So it goes on.

So all in all, it is not as though I am leaving DH in a supportive nurturing environment. Factor in flights, accommodation, living costs etc and I really don't think we will be very much better off. In the cold light of day I think it will be a step too far.

Thanks cjel, I will get a few more nudges done of this thing later this evening (once DS is in bed) am sure that by some miracle it will get done & may actually even be quite good!

I'm sure it will be more than quite goodx

I hope so cjel. I have a Teflon brain at present, nothing sticks.

I think re this job that it is so flattering/compelling that they seem to be so positive & keen. I have become used to being treated with a fair amount of disdain. Attending interviews then never hearing from the company again, that kind of thing.

Just a little update.....a well earned interlude as I have been studying hard.

The project is taking shape though it is still too long; I keep wishing it was better. I am sick of the sight of it....every little bit of inspiration is having to be keel-hauled out of me now.

I can't wait until it is handed in on Monday and then I am FREE!!! I will go mad & spend a whole load of money I haven't got, probably.

I am at home at the moment, working on this thing, not going out anywhere, not bothering with makeup etc. I feel as if I am shut away from the world and Monday when I hand it in will be a 'rebirth'. I will be able to get on with the rest of my life...hopefully with a few new letters after my name.

I have to get back to it now.....how I wish it was over!!

So close now Living. Monday we will have and xxx

Go living!! Almost there. Stop judging how good it is; IMHE it is probably better than you can judge while writing it. (Has this been the case with previous work you've submitted?)

Looking forward to , though mine's a

Painful as it is it sounds like it has taken shape and you just have to finesse the overall result. Keep going!

I am getting there I am getting there....excruciatingly small steps but I know I just have to make this thing as good as it can be. Please let it be over soon & let it be worth it. There are a million & one things I would rather be doing but I know I have to do this.

Yes you are probably right Sparkly that it may be better than I give it credit for....up close to it like this, all I can see is its shortcomings.

Thanks all for your encouragement, it means a lot.

My poor DS had another seizure this evening, a really violent one. He is sleeping it off now so we are just hoping he is OK.

Not much I can do for him now so am trying to get some study done....do I sound callous?

Remaining calm through all of this is something I am turning into an art form....

Not callous at all. I have no experience of this but it must be distressing to deal with especially if you can't foresee a particular trigger.

No I can't foresee them DonkeysDontRide that's true, and that's what makes it scary. He seemed in good spirits this afternoon after school, and so affectionate. I hate that the sweet boy is having to go through this.

I haven't heard back re the Ireland job....think I have put them off with all my requests/explanations.

It was a great idea but I really don't think it is going to be feasible. What if DS gets ill? I know it could happen any time whenever I am away but that would be just chance. If I am living away from home there is a very real likelihood of it happening. I am going to feel terrible every time this happens, but I will want DH to keep me honestly informed how DS is.

My little DS is still asleep...hopefully he will be well tomorrow.

I am still working on this thing. 16000 words & I have to cut it down to 12000. It's a distillation process, trying to get it to the essence of what needs to be there. No intelligence required, just hard hard work. There is nothing of substance I need to add though I may give it the odd tweak. I just want this finally to be over!!

Little boy is better & gone to school....another day's work ahead of me. I need to get this thing effectively finished today.

I bit DH head off this morning because he said 'you should have got it done by 7 Jan (original deadline), then you wouldn't be stressing now'. I'm afraid I bit his head off at this; he said he was 'only trying to be helpful'. I have already warned him that I am a nightmare at present; once this thing is finished I can revert to being a normal human being again.

Glad DS is at school and you have a 'free' day. H was an idiot saying that - does he think you don't wish it was done?

Wishing you a productive day so you can start to think straight againxx

I seem to recall you saying once that DH has lectured you on things many a time so sadly that remark doesn't surprise me.

You are both coping with a very stressful time so perhaps it is a case of you letting rip occasionally at each other to alleviate the strain.