Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

[Livingtothefull]

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

I think that I would feel wretched bunchofolives at having to move away from home. Of course there is the chance though that I might find it really rewarding and love the work.

Yes I really feel that I can't turn down an opportunity like this if offered...will feel I have failed myself if I do so. But I do want to find satisfying and rewarding work which incidentally benefits my family. Being unemployed is soul destroying.....to have put money & hard work into my studies, and then have absolutely nothing at the end of it?

I feel overwhelmed and rather depressed at the moment. If only I felt better the way would be clearer. I could have some critical distance from my emotional upset. If only I had to deal with just one thing at a time....first get DS better & secure his care, then complete MA, then find the job without having to worry about money. But....my situation is what it is. I just wish it wasn't.

I am going to be directive here and go against everything I should say , BUT If the only reason you would take the job is because you will feel a failure if you don't then let go of it and give yourself a break. If it is meant to be you will get offered again when the timing is right.

There is no way you are a failure and making a positive choice to turn down this job today isn't failing. it is succeeding in putting yourself and your family first.You have made a positive choice.

THAT IS A SUCCESS NOT FAILURE!!!!

You could do with a mentor, someone with a similar home life situation, who has taken that step and realised ambitions.

Thank you. I can't think clearly and decide whether I want the job because it is the best thing for me & family, or whether I just have to prove to myself that I can do it.

Would love a mentor but don't know where to find one.....have never known somebody with comparable circumstances to mine who has worked through it & got their life more or less the way I want.

I know that my immediate priority is getting my project done & somehow I am contriving not to do it. I am a panic-stricken rabbit in headlights at present.

Sorry I don't mean to be so negative. I feel that life is coming at me all at once now.....my brain is not working well for me. I want it all to just go away for a time.

I meant of course....I never met somebody in similar circs who got their life the way THEY want.

DS has an appointment with the neurologist later this week to address his seizures, that will be another day taken out of studies. This is an entirely separate issue from his surgery.....he has such profound and complex needs. I just don't think I can bear to be so far away from him for so long.

DH is also severely stressed, this is affecting him very badly. With a few exceptions, DH family are not supportive and actually I am very unhappy with the way they have treated him (long story) and I have told him so. His response: 'Well you are always unhappy'.

I feel that my moving away like this could damage us, it feels wrong. I am worried that I am trying to talk myself out of doing something I desperately want to do really. But at the moment I just don't feel it.

Well, no matter how much anyone thinks they decide things "logically" gut feeling is usually how most people actually do decide. I have found that decisions kind of creep up on me - there is no "deciding moment", more a realisation that I have made a decision without being aware of it iyswim. Is there a deadline for the Ireland job?

It does sound from your most recent posts that your gut is saying no to working so far away. If you find that is what you have decided, please do not beat yourself up about it later - 'if-only's' are of no use to anyone. Something that suits you will appear on the horizon.

For now, it does seem perhaps that you need to focus on your DS and your studies. How much do you have left to do? Also, are you a deadline person like I am? It is almost like my brain doesn't function at the high level needed unless under the stress of a very very impending deadline.

Yes sparkly, I need a non-negotiable deadline which I know I HAVE to meet to force me to deliver. With this other issue I feel I am losing awareness of this deadline which should be looming very large right now....I am panicking at my lack of panic if that makes sense.

A couple of things have happened also to make me think that, devoted and loving towards DS as DH is, he may really struggle on his own.....we could end up bitterly resenting each other. Neither of us have been coping well with the pressures on us, I don't feel secure enough in our relationship, to go away...we need to be rock solid and despite our best intentions we are not.

I am afraid I have LOADS of the project left to do, it scares me how much. And I do wish the right job would come along, am sick of all the rejections.

Livingtothefull there is a job out there with your name on it I'm sure. The constant rejections are just part of someone's master plan and in a few years you will reflect on this testing time. You must complete your Master's you are so very close, get your head down and give it your best shot, you are so close.
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Thank you mumofthemonsters, you're right I just have to get this assignment done. I have said so many times I would do it & I have to mean what I say. Words are cheap on their own, they need to blaze a trail for my heart & mind to follow or else they are meaningless. I don't want to be a knot of well-meaning good intentions & nothing else.

How do I make myself just DO it?

I think this job opportunity was good in that it has helped me think about wider opportunities. But on careful reflection I'm not sure it is the right solution for me or my family.

I have every reason in the world to just do the assignment, complete it over the next week, hand it in and get on with the rest of my life. What is stopping me doing it? I have a heavy dose of 'procrastinitis' with a secondary infection of severe guilt.

Remember how someone said up thread that you just have to start putting words out there and soon you will have something to work on. Decide to think about the job on thursday and then concentrate on putting some words either on paper or on computer however you write.

Yes I have been doing that, just getting everything written down.... and so what I have is a very badly written project. Almost everything is out there on the page but expressed really badly....I need to turn it into a coherent piece of work. I am getting there but frighteningly slowly.

I think I just need to focus on this even to the extent of putting off decisions about the job until the following week. if they want me to fly over to attend an interview (which they will, if they want to proceed) then that will just have to be next week after the project deadline. If they say that's too late and withdraw the opportunity then so be it.

Loads? How many words do you have to deliver, and how many have you done so far?

How much were the course fees? Divide this by the number of words left to write, and this gives you a monetary figure for each word you get down. This is what I had to resort to to get my last MA essay finished!

Sparkly I actually have too many words, I have to reduce the word count by about 2000. I have to sharpen it up and eliminate everything that doesn't belong in it. There is plenty of dross in there....need to define the sharp thread/s running through it and ensure that it is structured closely around these. Nothing that will not require hard work and forensic concentration!

It's really not fair is it?

Studying is not a level playing field. You should be allowed an extension - if you require an extension of a couple of months it should be granted.

The world of Academia is out of touch with the real world.

2000 out of how many? Is it long enough to have chapters or sections? This is doable!

Yes I have the sections and subsections more or less set out.....but like everything, these need sharpening up. It is waffle at the moment...you will have gathered from this thread that waffle is my weakness. I just need to nail the structure so the purpose is clear.

A reader would ask 'What is the point of all this? What exactly is it for?'.
I need to do the hard work of making the 'what it's for' extremely clear to the reader....hours & hours of work to go to make it read as though I put it together in half an hour, it must read so naturally & coherently..

ArticFunky - I know you're right, I have to deal with the situation though as I find it. Don't know if I would get an extension & anyway I really just want to get this done now. I sincerely hope Sparkly is right & it is doable in a week!

You have too many words, that's a good thing. As you edit remember your own questions along with your intended section content. What is your reader supposed to get out of this and then cut away anything which doesn't aid that.

You are in the middle of a maelstrom of stress no wonder you don't know which way is up. Take it a section at a time and just keep plodding on with it.

And leave the Introduction and Conclusion till last...

Thanks so much, yes I know I have to just chip away at it now until it is right. No way through but painstaking hard work. I will work on it today.

Another bad night I am afraid....I have barely slept worrying about everything & have a permanent headache.

Morning Living. Just catching up and want to say that it sounds almost complete to me. This can be done quite quickly and I would encourage you to focus on settling to it I think because of the million and one things you want to achieve you can't think which one to focus on. Leave job, ds health and you being a failure in a box to open another day and try and think this essay is the only thing in your life.
YOur headache will subside the more you get done on your essay.

You are doing fantastic and are nearly there. Look forward to hearing how much you manage todayxx

I just missed a call from the agency re the Irish job.....they liked me apparently! They want to invite me over for interview!! Help!!!

I think that I just have to wait till next week to do this (after assignment is done) or else I will go mad. Maybe I should just be really straight about my circs with my DS and explain that I would need more flexibility and can't do a 5 day week there....perhaps see if we could arrange compressed hours over a fortnight, or work from home a few days.

Do you think that is reasonable to ask? Please let me know....I am going to need to call back shortly. I don't want to mess them around.

I know they are in a hurry to get somebody on board...but don't think I can spend a precious day this week flying over. I need to study.