Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

[Livingtothefull]

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

Thank you Living. I have so many positives in my life not least just had dd, ds and there families here for lunch The thought of DS thinking of bad words to say in theatre made me smile although I can imagine how hard it is in reality. My dd and her girls went to hipppodrome in bristol the other day, They said Louis Spence was funny! Also have a freind who is in panto in Exeter, although I haven't been my self this year obviously. I hope you have a wonderful time and ds behaves

Many thanks.... DS had a great time at the panto and behaved beautifully so all good. He is back to school today.

Now.....could I tell you about the next move I am contemplating? (No more than contemplating at present)? Please tell me if I am mad and/or a bad mother if I consider it?

I got contacted today by a job agency re a role that I might be suited for. For various reasons it may be q hard to fill and my skills/background match it closely....so I may have a really good chance of getting it. Telephone interview is set up for tomorrow.

But here's the thing....it would be in Ireland & I am in London. Interim contract role till September.

Do you think I am mad to be considering it? Would I be neglectful of DS? I have discussed with DH & he is OK for me to go for it (he says). Money would be good (even factoring in local accommodation for me) so I could send DH some home to help care for DS, would also hopefully be a career boost for me. I would be main breadwinner which I am happy with. I could get home probably every other weekend.

What do you think? Do you think I am mad & selfish to contemplate it?

So glad Panto was good. If you and DH think new job is doable then no I don't think you are mad going for it and if ds has his dad then you can but try it and see. I presume it would be possible to give it up if it didn't work out?
Would you all want to relocate eventually and could they visit you in holidays?x

I know my DM would disapprove of this, she is generally very supportive of me but I don't know if she would understand a move like this. I don't know at all whether or not it is reasonable to consider this.

It is reasonable to consider it, remember that it is up to you and dh to decide if its the best thing for you and your family. Unless it will impact your dm then the choice isn't hers.x

Hi cjel, yes DH & DS would get over to visit me as well as my getting home regularly. The plan would be to meet up whenever we could & have some treats/outings/ luxury weekends away for us incl DS.

It is an interim role to September, then I would come home. So we would not be considering a permanent move. DS care & schooling is set up now so would not look to change that.

No DM would not be directly affected but I think she would worry about it being too much for me. I on the other hand worry that it will be too much for DH to have sole charge of DS. I am brought up to understand that DMs do not leave their DC side.

Yes I could always come home if it just wasn't working. I would ask DH to be v honest with me & tell me if he was struggling & wanted me to come home.....not sure if it would be so easy though to act on this in real life. DH would not want to admit he is struggling & would not want me to have to pack in my job.

It is of course Ireland which is not far from home. If it were eg Australia it would be different - nothing wrong with Australia (Australia is wonderful!!) but then of course it would be much much further away & I couldn't get home easily.

Please be honest with me though & let me know if I am contemplating doing something that is destructive and morally wrong.

I do believe that DH wants me to be earning again, feels stressed out by being only breadwinner. I think that in his heart of hearts (though he has never complained direct to me) he believes that I should have just stuck it out during the workplace bullying episode, until I found another job. Maybe he was right...at the time though I felt I had enough to deal with & couldn't take on any more. I do feel I let him down though... but as I say he has never complained direct to me.

And to be fair, he is absolutely involved in DS care, as much as I am. I have never felt (as I know some mothers do) that I have the master plan, the primary responsibility, and that DH sees himself as 'helping out'. So he sees the breadwinner, as much as the childcare function, as likewise being a shared responsibility which is absolutely fair enough.

I think you may feel you let him down because f the way your dm has led you to believe about yourself and the bullying would have led you to think you had failed as well. I think in life we should push the doors and if its not meant to be they will close. Apart from the concern that ds will be too much for dh to have on his own I can't see anything wrong with going for it. It is short term so you will see and end to it if it is tough, and who knows it may not even happen! you may not get it

It sounds like a brilliant opportunity and Ireland is really only a hop away.

Glad the panto visit went well. Perhaps your DS plans naughty words as a way of showing he has control over his life? How's the work coming along?

I would never use the words mad or selfish and I know you are the last person to put yourself first .

My DH worked away in the UK and abroad, tbh I found it hard going - that was with two DCs who didn't have your DS's health issues. I was a SAHM, we didn't have paid help nor did we have family to help out. Of course lots of families function perfectly with one parent absent. The bond between the parent at home and DC can only get stronger. It is only temporary and you could talk on the phone/Skype. At the lowest ebb I couldn't help but feel he only had himself to cater to - it taught me not to take him for granted.

Returning every other weekend - sounds fair enough unless you are the one with a run of sleepless nights and nothing domestic getting done unless you do it. So if there is extra money coming in it is worth applying it to practical solutions. Planning is key. If you don't try you'll never know, it could be a real turning point.

I am honestly not trying to put you off and hope you pursue employment opportunities and develop your career.

And no disrespect to your DM but worrying about something being too much for a loved one is one thing, letting that colour your support and encouragement for them would be a different matter.

Many thanks all. thank you for reassuring me that I am not being mad or selfish. In all honesty I think DS would be OK, DH is absolutely as devoted to him as I am and just as involved in caring for him, he is at a brilliant school. I would get home whenever I could. I would miss him & my home of course but that would be my issue.

This may of course be academic as I may not get the job...but had the initial interview & all went well so who knows.....

It does seem that I have invested so much in my education/training both in hard work and hard cash (£1000's which I paid for myself out of savings) I should look for a return on the investment. Being unemployed is soul destroying for this reason.

Yes Donkeys, I will have to go into this (if indeed I do) with my eyes open....have already suggested to DH that he could get a cleaner & more respite care for DS with the money this could generate. But all this - together with accommodation/flights for Ireland - is going to cost money so need to be clear that it is worth it.

Sparkly - I think you may well be right about DS swearing to try to keep control. There is so little that he has control over in his life, he has had so many invasive 'things done to him' and suffered pain, it would challenge anyone even an adult. How does being a good boy benefit him?

He does seem to brag about the swear words he is going to use, and have a little gloat about how naughty he is being, to see how we react. EG he was talking to a Chinese neighbour the other day, and asked her over & over again to teach him some Chinese swear words. 'I'm going to swear to everyone in China' as if the whole Chinese nation would then reel back in shock at the enormity of DS naughtiness.

He doesn't realise though what these words mean, or how particularly ugly they sound coming out of his lovely mouth.

The work (studies) are going OK btw and I will get there, thanks for asking. As I now have the reprieve I am fitting the work around everything else I have to do rather than frantically trying to finish it, so am trying to set targets & get something accomplished per day. It is a little easier to think now!!

I am having another major wobbly....I am just plain scared at the prospect of moving away to do this job. I don't know if I can stand being so far away from my DS. And DH would be in charge of DS and I know it would be hard for him. However I think that DH will be annoyed with me if I turn down this opportunity. He has supported me through my studies & I am sure that he hopes to get a return on his investment, he would only be human for hoping that.

Is it normal to feel so much fear, to feel so totally inadequate?

I feel so unable and badly equipped to face down what life demands of me. I just wish I could discard all fear; I feel that life is so hard and challenging that I have to throw everything I have at it to make it work, and fear (fear of people; fear of the unknown) should just know when it's not wanted and just go away. I do feel inferior; but I wish I could just forget all about that for now and act, and above all think, as if I wasn't.

Please just GO fear; for God's sake isn't it enough that I have problems? I don't know why you have to be there at my elbow, telling me constantly that everything I am trying to do is 'pretty poor actually' and' why do you even try when you are so woefully unable and inadequate to the task? If I were you I wouldn't even bother'.'

Fear: I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you mean well, that you want to protect me, but really you just make anything worse, more difficult for me. I just want to get into the proactive mode of dealing with issues, doing what has to be done; and the fear forces me into contemplative, not proactive mode. You make me spend my energy sitting and reminding myself of everything that is wrong with me.

Worse: it (the Fear) makes me weak at the very time when I absolutely have to be strong. Life SCREAMS at me: 'Be strong, for God's sake you have to be. Your life absolutely insists that you be strong, confident and hard as nails'. And all I can do is gibber back at it: 'I am so so sorry. But I am weak.'

DS had another seizure today, while we were out with friends; it reminds me just how vulnerable he is and how I will be abandoning him if I go away. I can tell myself till I am blue in the face that I would not be abandoning him, that I am supporting him by providing for him; but that is no use when he is scared and tearful after a seizure. All he knows is who will be there for him; and I wouldn't be there.

I am just trying to find a place in the world where I can work, do something fulfilling, provide a valuable service, and be close by my boy when he needs me. There is no place for me at present, there never has been and I despair of ever finding a such place. I just feel so inadequate and inferior. Self pity is in the ascendant at present. I pray to God also but even God seems 'fuck off, stop bothering me, go away & be an atheist or whatever'. What DO you do when you just want to make everything right for your loved ones, you try to find a way to deliver that & every door seems to slam in your face

I mean that God SEEMs to say fuck off not that He does. But is is hard when even the divine door seems to slam in my face, along with all the others. I am tired of racking my brains and trying to be understanding and explain to myself why the latest rejection was not so brutal really, as I thought it was.

Morning Living. You write so well that is one area that I can see you are not inadequate. I have come on here this morning as I am wobbly too. I have started to suffer panic attacks again, Have an appointment with my counsellor tuesday for the first time in years.

I am sitting here typing with a 'holding cross' in my hand. I am blessed in that whatever I've gone trough I am still able to find comfort from my faith. I too rage at God that 'its not fair' and will I ever have the life I want and can't see a reason for my struggles.

I can't explain how I get reassurance and peace from him but I do.
Yesterday morning I spent and hour crying and moaning to God and then did some little daily reading I have and really sensed his comfort.

I think you are very strong and that its all normal reaction to your circumstances, have you a counsellor? just that space for yourself without your ds and dh expectations(even if the expectations are what you put on yourself) hindering you from being honest and open about your fears?

I know you have said before that night time is the worst for bad thoughts crowding in. Plus during winter there are shortened daylight hours so at the start of another challenging year I am not at all surprised you feel wobbly.You are full of plans which is good but can you slow down a little, allow yourself time to take it all in and digest.

You would be surprised how many capable people feel inadequate. And you are facing a future that is kind of blurry and scary. How about spending a little time looking at the logistics of Ireland - flight times, prices, accommodation, finances and so on - to make it a bit clearer? Imagine what a month might be like, in some detail. This does not commit you, it may allay your fears somewhat?

Thanks again.....I will try to look rationally at the practicalities. This is quite hard to do though. I am feeling very 'wobbly' indeed at the moment - about everything.

Counselling would be good if I could find the right counsellor that can help me. Have tried to source one in the past but, to cut a long story short, I got nowhere. Finding the right one now just seems like one more chore; I need to know precisely how I want to gain from counselling.

I very nearly feel broken by this, it just dawned on me today how hard the past few months have been and I think I actually am not very well. I am not concentrating on my studies, I wish I could knock that on the head at least but this project is refusing to get written.

Yes I need to look at the specifics of flights, accommodation costs etc to get an idea of the net benefit in financial terms as well as to my career. Everything that benefits me has to benefit my dfamily.

It is hard though as I had a conversation with DH and it is evident that he considers 'letting' me go to Ireland & caring for DS in my absence as 'doing me a favour' to fulfil myself career wise. I don't see it that way at all, if that is how he views it I would rather not go. I feel that I would be sacrificing at least as much.

I have serious misgivings as to whether this is the right thing for me. The worst is that somehow I feel that I would be letting myself down now if I do not grab this opportunity with both hands. Just another stick to beat myself with - maybe I do too much of that already?

DS has been unwell today & it just doesn't feel 'right' to be considering leaving him. We have just been turned down for funding for a mobility aid we had applied for, so will have to write begging letters to charities to try to get help elsewhere. That all takes time & I need to be here, don't see how I would be able to do this kind of thing if I was abroad trying to get to grips with a demanding new job.

I just don't want to have to make decisions like this. I am trying to concentrate on finishing my project, with all this going on I am finding it hard to be productive. At this rate I won't get it done. Cue guilt feelings & more disgust with myself.

I'm sorry Living, I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think you should contemplate moving so far away for work even temporarily.

Obviously just ignore if you don't want opinions now, 'tis just my opinion. But I've read your threads (and commented before, namechange) and I know that you tend to be an 'overachiever' to some extent. I mean that in a nice way, in that you tend to expect so much of yourself. (I know believe me, I do it too).

I think you need to ask yourself what you want. Put your DH and DS out of the equation for a moment. Is this the job you want? Would you actually enjoy it yourself? Living on your own? Putting everything into your job? If so, fair enough. If not, why give yourself more stress? Go for whatever is easiest for you.

PS well done on the dissertation. Hope it's going well still.

Looking at it in detail: I am scared that DH & I might get more resentful at having to deal alone with what we have on our respective plates, & might grow apart some more. I wish it was just a lot closer....it's a case of asking myself 'is it or isn't it just a step to far?'

The other thing I have looked at doing is finding a suitable role in my home town where my DM still lives. I could stay with her (paying her rent of course but it would be more affordable) would be easy for DH & DS to come & stay, & I would be a train, rather than a plane, journey away.

Again, not worth doing unless it is an excellent opportunity. Looking at the opportunities, there are fewer jobs but also fewer applicants so chances might be good. There is just so much competition where I am based.....lots of jobs but often with 100+ applicants.

Once I start to think outside the box other things become possible.

BUT before I deal with any of this I need to COMPLETE MY PROJECT! HOW DO I MAKE MYSELF GET THIS DONE???

7th has come and gone. Did you get it finished. What are you studying?x

Thanks bunchoffives for your message, I think the problem is that I am not convinced this is the job for me; by 'me' I mean 'me with the live commitments, problems and responsibilities I have right now'. If this opportunity had come to me as a single childless person with nothing to lose then it would be simple. As it is, whatever benefits it does bring me it is definitely going to pile on the stress. And I am stressed already.

I am trying to make the best decision here but I am not thinking straight at present. If this situation had come along when other things had been dealt with - DS better, my MA project complete and (hopefully) passed - it might be easier to rationally come to the right decision. But life never works like that. I told myself that I would complete my studies then deal with the next thing; find a suitable job. It is all a lot messier than I planned.

Sorry about my lengthy rambling posts (my thread title says it all); I am trying to think clearly and a lot of these posts are my thinking aloud. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the trouble to read them & offered advice, all of which I can assure you I am reading and heeding!

Hi morchoxplz, I got a 'reprieve' to 20 Jan so it has to be done by then. Don't want to out myself too much but I am studying for a postgraduate business qualification.